ZEDD - THE FOLLOWING MONDAY

I've been watching Thomas more closely than usual since he recounted his traumatic experiences. To someone who doesn't know him at all, he does appear to 'bounce back' fairly quickly. Even without remembering him as thoroughly as I'd like, I can still see his struggle. Not to mention his nightmares. Although once he wakes or is awoken from or by them, he quickly curls up tightly against me, shakes for a few minutes while I hold him tightly before finally drifting off again - leaving me to my guilt ridden thoughts. If only I hadn't asked!

Mara Jane has her finals this week and then she and Jacob are finished for the year. Jimmy's prom thing is this weekend. Mara Jane and he still aren't speaking - aside from extremely polite exchanges when necessary. According to Jason, Jimmy has no idea why my daughter is upset with him. However, we all (reluctantly) agreed not to clue him in until after prom as nobody (except me) wants his experience to be tainted by the understanding that he's hurt her so deeply with his apparent lack of trust.

I hear Thomas' phone ring in the other room and mentally cross my fingers that it's not the school again. While I wait to hear what's going on now, I think back to the day we talked.

Thomas has finished telling me all that was done to him in that terrible place. Even without all my memories, those - creatures - went far beyond anything I ever did. As he talked, he became understandably more and more distressed. Instead of curling up with me for comfort, however, he's curled himself tightly into the far corner of the couch. I don't understand why, nor why the bond is so curiously blank. Not so much that he's not feeling anything, but more like he's telling something that happened to someone else - just relaying facts.

I'm barely able to keep control of my rage. How dare they touch him like that, force him to- and they were going to-! I can't even finish my thoughts, knowing that if I do I will very likely lose the little bit of control that I currently have. I take a deep breath, forcing myself to at least sound calm. "Come here, love."

"No." I'm stunned at his flat out refusal. He obviously needs the comfort, so why is he denying himself again? "Please understand. I need a few minutes to get myself together or I'm going to completely fall apart. I'm balanced on a knife edge right now and I could get a grip or I could have a total meltdown."

I don't know what to say or do, so I wait as patiently as I can. After several minutes he speaks again, softly. "I know that what happened wasn't my fault. I know that there wasn't anything I could do to stop them. I know that a body will react to a certain kind of stimulus whether you want it to or not. I know all of that and it doesn't stop me from feeling the way I do whenever I talk about it or have a flashback."

I speak just as softly. "I don't know how you feel right now, Thomas. You have me blocked."

"No, I don't, Zedd. It just seems like it because I have such a tight hold on my feelings right now."

I'm snapped out of my thoughts when Thomas appears in the doorway, looking more than a little stressed. I'm on my feet instantly. "What's wrong?"

"Zedd - it's Sam. He's had a heart attack and he's in bad shape. David says that he doesn't know how long he'll last. I have to go."

"I'll call Hayley and-"

"No. You stay here with the kids. Mara Jane needs to be able to focus on her studying and finals and I really don't think she'll be able to do that over there. I know you can do this. Please Zedd."

Okay he has a point. "But, Thomas-"

"At least give me a few days to see how things are, okay?" I'm really hesitant to let him go alone with his current nightly troubles. "I'll call you every night and keep you updated. If you need help with the kids before I'm home or I call, then call Hayley or Jason or Dar or Pina - depending on what the issue is." Well, it's not like I can call Kira or Serena since they left almost two weeks ago. I follow him as he heads out of the room. "There are meals in the freezer. Please don't order out every night - it's not good for any of you."

Once in the bedroom, he pulls out a duffel bag and starts packing it as he continues. "Remember that Jacob doesn't go to school Thursday or Friday. Mara Jane will be home early on Thursday and she's off on Friday. Remind them both to clean out their desks and lockers. Remind them both days, too. Double check with Mara Jane that she returned her library books. Call your parents and let them know that we might have to delay our visit slightly while I deal with this unless you want to go ahead after the kids are out and I can follow you later."

"We're not going without you, love."

He shakes his head. "Once the kids are out of school, they'll get bored very quickly - and so will you. I love you all, but I'm sure by the end of the weekend, you'll all be driving each other crazy."

He reaches to pick up the packed bag, but I stop him, pulling him into my arms. "Thomas, I love you."

My husband leans into me for a long minute. "I love you too, kalleimat." I kiss him firmly, hoping that I can convey the depth of my feelings through the simple gesture. When I finally release his delectable mouth, he smiles at me. "I needed that."

"One more for the road?" I murmur, before pressing my lips against his again. I manage to get and give several more before he finally pulls away.

"I have to get going." His cheeks are flushed and his eyes dark, but his stubborn nature isn't going to let me give him something else for the road, so to speak. I walk him to his car. "Love you, mate. I'll call you when I get there and know something."

"Stay safe, love. I'll be waiting." I watch until he's out of sight, sighing heavily. Neither of us sleep well without the other even when things are okay, but now- I shake my head and decide on spur of the moment to call Jason and fill him in. If things go badly, Thomas may need me and I need to be ready to go.

A FEW HOURS LATER

Jacob is watching some mindless children's program and Mara Jane is at the kitchen table, studying. I'm trying desperately not to pace as I wait to hear from Thomas. "Papa, I'm getting hungry."

I smile at my son. "Well, Daddy said that there's meals in the freezer, but he forgot to leave me any other instructions about cooking them."

Jacob pulls a chair over to the chest freezer in the corner and climbs up on it as he says, "Well, I know that Daddy puts almost everything in the oven at three hundred and fifty degrees."

"Not everything, but most things" Mara Jane agrees. Well that might explain why the meatloaf exploded.

"Look, Papa. Daddy has everything labeled." I look over Jacob's shoulder and smile even as I shake my head. Thomas' preparedness has reached a whole new level, I swear. Not only does he have 'family sized' meals, but he also has individual servings packaged and ready to go. Each of them is labeled as to contents, time and temperature for heating. "It's neat! If we all don't want the same thing, everybody can have what they want!"

In a moment, Mara Jane is beside us, pawing through the selection as well. "Most of these are main dishes, but we can easily have salad or something to go with them like he does."

"All right, how about this - everybody can choose their own meal tonight, but tomorrow we'll have a family meal. Deal?"

The words are hardly out of my mouth when the children all but dive into the freezer and come up with their chosen provisions. It's amusing that Jacob has chosen enchiladas while Mara Jane has selected a pot pie - both reminding me of the cravings that Thomas and I had while carrying them. As I look over the offerings, Mara Jane is looking over the instructions. "Jacob, turn the oven on to the usual temperature. I know Daddy taught you how."

Less than an hour later, we're settling down with our meals and a big bowl of salad that we prepared together. My phone rings and I snatch it up. "Hello?"

"Hi, mate. I made it all right. David and I are heading over to the hospital now. Sam's - not very stable at the moment."

"If you need anything, love, just say the word. You know that."

He's silent for a minute. "I know and I love you for it. I'll call you later or tomorrow when I know some more. Give the kids a hug and a kiss for me and tell them I love them. I have to go. David's waiting."

He hangs up and I look at my children. All I told them was that Sam wasn't well and that David needed Thomas there. I take a breath. "Daddy made it to the reservation all right and he said to tell you that he loves you."

Dinner has turned into a somber affair, thoughts with Thomas instead of inside these walls. I know they realize that things are more serious than I let on, but none of us is willing to address the gondar in the room.

Once they're in bed, I settle in our bedroom myself, phone close by. I lay awake for a long time, missing my mate and worrying about his well being.

THURSDAY AFTERNOON

Thomas has called me every night to update me on Sam's progress, but there is no hope in his voice. Instead he sounds tired and stressed and it's getting worse. I asked him if he was still having nightmares, but he assured me that he wasn't. I can't help but feel that I missed something important. I know that something's either very wrong or very right when my phone rings before Mara Jane gets home. "Hello?"

"Zedd-" Oh hells. His voice sounds - hollow. "Sam's - gone."

"Oh, love, I'm sorry."

"I'm going to need some things. If you can get them together, take them to Hayley and tell her that they need to be overnight shipped."

"If there's going to be some kind of ceremony, shouldn't the children be there to pay their respects as well?"

He sighs. "I suppose they should. Get my things together and get some clothes together for them. I'm going to need some extra things. I'll need to stay a little longer. David and I have to go through Sam's belongings."

Quickly, I grab a pen and paper. "Tell me what you need, Thomas." He recites a list of things, along with the locations of some of the items. Swiftly, I make notes as he speaks, trying not to be sidetracked by the fact that he doesn't sound like himself. "Anything else, love?"

"Oh, I almost forgot." Although something in his tone says otherwise. "We'll need our tribal clothes - mine, yours and Mara Jane's. Hers should still fit since she hasn't grown that much."

"And Jacob?"

"His are here, mate. Sam hadn't had a chance to give them to him yet. I'd told him to wait since Jacob still had a lot of growing to do, but he'd said that he wanted to see us all dressed as members of the tribe…" His breath hitches and I hear another voice in the background. "Hold on, Zedd." He covers the phone, but I can still hear bits and pieces of the argument/discussion that he's having with David. Finally, he returns to me, sounding even more stressed. "We'll stay in the cabin that we've stayed in before."

"What was the argument about?"

"David wants us to stay here, but there's not enough room. Mara Jane and Jacob would have to share a room and I really don't see that going over well - even for a couple of nights."

"Considering they're both used to having their own space, probably not" I agree. "Jacob and I will start getting things together and once Mara Jane gets home, we'll finish up and head out. We'll see you as soon as we can, Thomas. I love you."

"Love you too." There's no real conviction in it and I can't help but frown as I hang up. The quicker I can get to him, the better.

Hours later, I'm silently thanking Jason and Hayley for the excellent directions to the reservation. Between the two of them, it was practically impossible to get lost unless absolutely not paying attention. I made sure to drive extra carefully, despite everything in me screaming that I need to get to my mate. We arrive before the sun sets, but not as much as I'd like. To my surprise, David meets us outside with Thomas nowhere in sight.

He greets the children briefly but not without affection, telling them that we'll go inside shortly. "Where's your wife?"

"Inside preparing dinner. I'm glad you're here. He needs you." Oh no.

"How bad is he?"

"I've never seen him like this." While concerning, I realize that he's not around Thomas all that much. "I don't think he's sleeping and he's barely eating."

Grateful that he kept his voice down, I'm still all too aware that Mara Jane has heard based on the concerned look on her face. I nod at David and shoot a look at my daughter, telling her by my gaze in no uncertain terms that I will deal with him. David leads us into the house. I pause for a moment, realizing that something about the house feels off. Memory returns of my first visit which helps me pinpoint why it feels wrong. When Sam was here, there was always the feeling of power - or something - around. With him gone, that sensation is missing, driving the point home forcefully that he's gone.

Before I can stop him, Jacob runs to the kitchen. "Daddy!"

"Hello, son." As we enter the kitchen, I see Thomas on his knees hugging Jacob tightly. "Were you good for Papa while I was gone?"

"Yes, Daddy." Jacob pulls back and looks at Thomas, gently setting his small hand on his father's cheek. "You look so sad."

Thomas smiles weakly. "I am, buddy. I'm going to miss Grandpa Sam a lot." He uses the table for support as he pulls himself off the floor. He hasn't looked like this since Dar, Pina and I all got sick all those years ago. Even when I was in the hospital, he hadn't run himself down this far. Once he's up, Mara Jane gets the next hug. She heeds my warning and says nothing about his appearance, instead assuring him that she did well on her exams and that he'd be proud of her. "I always am, baby girl."

Finally, he turns to me and I can see what I'm not feeling through the bond. He is torn up, both emotionally and physically. He almost feels frail when I take him in my arms and he sags against me. "We're here, love." And given the choice we won't be leaving until he does.

"Missed you, mate." He gives me a brief kiss.

"And I, you." I tighten my hold on him slightly and lower my voice. "You haven't been sleeping at all, have you?"

"Not much" he admits. That's what I missed before. That's why he isn't having nightmares - he's not even sleeping. "It's not so much that I'm not. It's that I can't. I have tried, but-" He shakes his head, exhaling heavily. "I don't know."

David's wife, Stephanie, speaks up. "If you want, after dinner, the children can stay with us and you could try going to bed early, Tommy."

"Thanks, Stephanie, but no. Now that they're here, I want to spend some time with them. I don't want to waste it sleeping. Do you need any help with dinner?"

"No, actually, we're ready to sit and eat." As Thomas guides the children to the table, I exchange a look with the other couple before taking my own seat. As the meal passes, stories are shared about Sam, making Thomas smile occasionally. He doesn't eat much, but by the relief on David and Stephanie's faces, it's more than he's had in a while.

After the meal, Stephanie shoos us out, commenting that there's a lot to do tomorrow and we all need the rest. In the cabin, the children settle on the floor with their books while Thomas curls into my side on the couch. I press a kiss to his forehead and he snuggles closer. I rub his back lightly, knowing that it will help him relax and hoping that it'll be enough for him to get some sleep. Softly, he says, "Missed you, kalleimat. That feels good."

"Missed you too, love. We're here now. Relax for a bit." Silence falls once more. I allow my mind to wander, truthfully trying to come up with ways to make sure he gets some rest and more food. Somehow, I'm not all that surprised when Mara Jane looks up at us, about to say something but closes her mouth abruptly and nods at Thomas. I breathe a silent sigh of relief at the sight of my husband sound asleep. I can only hope that he's tired enough that he won't suffer through any nightmares tonight.

Mara Jane nudges her brother, signals him to be quiet and points at Thomas. Quietly, they gather their things. Mara Jane gives me a quick kiss and whispers in my ear, "I'll take care of getting Jacob to bed tonight. Take care of Daddy."

She presses a light kiss to Thomas' cheek, whispers a good night before turning to her brother. A few gestures and he follows her lead and then they both disappear into the bedroom Jacob's using. Half an hour later, Mara Jane goes into her room.

I give her some time to get settled before I stand up and carefully lift him in my arms. He stays asleep, wrapping his arms around my neck and snuggling into my shoulder and neck. Quickly I undress him and tuck him under the covers. I take care of my own business and it's not long before I'm in bed with him. Softly I say, "You and I are going to have to have a long talk about taking care of yourself, my love. This is getting out of control."