TOMMY - TWO DAYS LATER

I. Will. Not. Cry. Still I can't deny the lump in my throat as I watch the flames of the ceremonial fire climb and dance over the wood. I know I didn't know him as long or as well as David, but he was still my grandfather. Still, I'm grateful for the time I did have with him. Jacob stands in front of me, Mara Jane and Zedd on either side of me. The kids have been very well behaved today, in spite of the fact that much of this was probably boring for them.

An elder steps forward and, in the language of their people, offers a prayer for Sam's spirit. I glance over at David. He's the last direct link I have to my bloodline family, my people. Once he's gone… I push that away, even as I note the gray in his hair. My big brother and I'm going to outlive him - by a lot.

Ashamed at my temporary lapse, I return my thoughts to Sam. The first time I met him, how much he's taught me about my parents and my people, language and traditions. The first time I brought Zedd to meet him - god, he was so amused by Zedd! The blessings he bestowed on each of the children when they were born…

Come on, Tommy. Just hold it together. I glance around and realize that some people are leaving. David and I talked about this and we're going to stay until the last of the flames die down. Very softly, I say, "Zedd. Take the kids and go back to the cabin."

"We'll stay with you."

"Mate, there's nothing else that any of you can do here and I know that Jacob will be getting tired soon and I'm sure that they - and you - are all going to be bored soon."

"But-"

"Take them back, get them fed and I'll see you later." I kiss the kids and Zedd quickly and gently push them toward the cabin. "Stephanie is already headed back to S-Sam's house. I mean, David's house."

That wasn't even a discussion as far as I'm concerned. David still lives there and, really, I only was visiting once in a while. Granted, I'd thought more than once through the years about building a small cabin of my own, but with as little as I've been here, it's made no sense. I can sense Zedd's reluctance to leave me, but really, what does he think I'm going to do?

Some time later, David touches my arm. "Come, little brother. We've spent our time honoring his passing for today. Let's go back to the living."

We go back not another word passing between us. We enter the house silently and I see the children curled up on the couch, fast asleep. I brush Jacob's hair off his forehead and tuck a curl behind Mara Jane's ear. As I turn for the kitchen, I hear Zedd. "I just knew what to do to help him."

Stephanie sounds sympathetic. "Zedd, I understand, I really do. I want to help David much the same way. However, everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. You just have to be there for him when he's ready."

Zedd's next statement makes me smile, as it does David. "Patience really isn't my strong suit."

"So I've seen" she answers, amused.

"It doesn't help that the bond knows that he's distressed. All I want to do is fix it even though I know there's no logical way to do so." Crap. I've been trying not to let this affect him - especially since there's nothing he can do.

"Perhaps if he wasn't so closed in on himself, if he let go a little bit, then maybe he wouldn't be wound so damn tight."

"What do you mean?"

"Zedd, since he's been here, he hasn't laughed. Barely smiles and that seems like it's against his will and he's quick to control it. It's no disrespect to Sam or his memory to smile and laugh. He would have preferred it that way."

"As hurt as he obviously is right now, there's no way he's going to let go that easily."

Stephanie sighs. "I know. He hasn't gotten to have the same upbringing or time with Sam that David had, but they still became close. Tommy called Sam about once a week just to talk."

"He did? I didn't know that."

"Even when you had your accident, he made time one night to call just to let Sam know that he might not be calling for a while."

I feel a surge of guilt through the bond. "He shouldn't have done that. He wasn't with me every minute. He should have-"

"He still called" she assures him. "But if things turned for the worse, frankly, he'd have been in no shape to call anybody and I honestly don't know if his friends would have thought to call us. Thus the warning."

Zedd sighs again. "So on a related subject - I either don't know or don't remember what's appropriate here in regards to this kind of situation. I have something I want to talk to Thomas about, but I don't want to do something wrong and upset him."

"That depends on the subject and how urgently it needs to be addressed. Is it something that would be acceptable to discuss at this time where you're from?"

There's a pause while, I'm guessing, he's considering his answer. Unfortunately, it's just making me worry. "Well, it's not urgent and the subject matter is rather private. As for where I'm from, Thomas knows that I don't really hold to many of those rules and traditions. However, to answer your question, as close as he was to Sam, no, it wouldn't be acceptable."

"Then I would say if it's not urgent, nothing's wrong and potentially inappropriate, then you should wait for a future time to discuss it."

"All right. I was just hoping that it might take his mind off of things for a little while. On the other hand, I don't want him to feel obligated to ignore his own needs either."

"His needs?"

"The grieving that he needs to do. Honestly, I hope he doesn't fall into the pattern he did when his parents died."

"Oh?"

"Apparently, before I came back into his life, he would - once a year - go visit his parents' burial sites before returning home and drinking himself blind for a whole day."

"He might get away with that once, but I'd bet that if he were to try it again, Sam would return from the other side just to chew him out for it." Stephanie says it with such conviction, I find myself agreeing with her. "He doesn't still do that, does he?"

"He still goes to pay his respects, but he doesn't try and drown himself in alcohol afterward anymore. Not after the first time he did it after we were together."

I'm trying very hard to ignore the looks that David's giving me, obviously not happy about this little tidbit of my past that he didn't know before. I just shrug but I can't meet his eyes. While it made perfect sense back then, it makes little to no sense now - especially since I have better ways to dull my pain these days. I take a breath and head into the kitchen to join my mate and sister in law, my brother right behind me.

I'm not hungry, but I eat as much of the food that she puts in front of me as I can. Even so, it's not all that long before I've had enough, the mere idea of eating any more making me feel nauseous. Once I reach that point, I fall back on my new habit of moving the food around so that it looks like I've eaten more than I really have. I glance up at Zedd, belatedly realizing that, while my ruse has been working on David and Stephanie, my husband's sharp eyed gaze isn't fooled.

Instead of addressing my deception, he asks my brother, "How much longer do you need to keep Thomas to settle Sam's affairs?"

"I'm not sure" he admits. "Possibly as little as three days, possibly as long as a week or ten days. For the most part, Sam was very organized so all the paperwork is fairly straightforward. The harder part will be the specific bequests."

"What do you mean?"

I speak up. "Like that painting in the living room. He wants that to go to someone specific so we need to contact that person - a cousin, I think - and make sure that it gets to them. Not to mention dealing with anything that isn't specified, although except for a few things I'm interested in, David can have it all."

"By the way, little brother, I've made arrangements for the old photo albums to be copied so that we both can have the pictures."

"Did you want to keep the originals?" I offer. "After all, with all the traveling we do, I'd hate to lose them or have them damaged."

"I was thinking that we could each have copies and put the originals in a safe deposit box or something so that they'd stay safe."

I nod before turning my attention to Zedd. "You and the kids don't have to stay. Like I said, you guys can go ahead and go see your parents and I'll join you after I'm done here."

"We'll argue about that later" he answers mildly. Uh oh. "Eat a bit more, love. You're turning into skin and bones, as Jason's mother likes to say. Unless you'd like me to call her or Jason?"

I roll my eyes. "I'm not a child, Zedd. Besides, compared to Jason, I am skin and bones."

"No, you aren't a child" he agrees. "Which actually makes this worse."

"I'm not punishing myself or anything like that. I'm eating, okay?"

"We can argue about that later, too."

I've finally managed to choke down enough to satisfy Zedd, we've gathered the children and returned to the cabin. Once they're tucked into their beds, hugs and kisses and good night wishes exchanged, I join my husband on the couch. I know I'll need to go to bed soon, but I want just a few minutes of peace with him. Hopefully, he'll not start an argument in those few minutes.

I curl up into his side and - for now - push away thoughts of Sam. I try instead to focus my thoughts on Zedd. He sighs. "What's wrong, mate?"

"I'm really not sure what your species considers appropriate behavior for this situation, Thomas."

I tilt my head up to see him. "What do you mean?"

"Do you talk about those that have passed? Do you remain in silent contemplation? Do you talk about anything and everything else except the missing loved one? I'm kind of at a loss here, love."

"Different people have different needs when it comes to grieving. There really isn't any hard and fast rules. What do you want to do?"

He shrugs. "I really don't know. I can think of any number of subjects to talk about ranging from Sam to mating. Take your pick."

I raise an eyebrow at him, smirking slightly. "Usually you don't want to talk about mating, you want to do it. What is there to talk about?"

"It's nothing so important that it needs to be discussed right now, love. Especially if it's inappropriate."

I shift slightly so that I can see him better without leaving his arms. "Now you've made me curious. Go ahead."

He hesitates briefly. "Do you remember the first time you took me after I came home from the hospital? When your hormones overwhelmed you?"

"With a little help from you? Yes, I remember. What about it?" I ignore the small twinge of guilt for now, forcing my focus to remain on my mate.

"When we talked a few days after, I suggested that you needed to get used to being more aggressive in our mating, the idea being that you might establish a pattern that would take over when you're overwhelmed like that." I nod, still doubting that it would help. "Well, it occurred to me that, in a way, you do already do that."

"Sorry, what?" I'm really not following him here.

"As I mentioned, even in that state, you still made sure that I was with you several times. I think that, on some level, the bond still recognizes that you're with your mate and, as a result, it causes you to perform in such a way that we both get something out of it. I think that the bond, even if only slightly, directs you so that the 'episode' as you call it is as pleasurable for me as it is for you."

"If that were true, then you wouldn't be getting hurt" I protest.

"Ah, but it's never enough to diminish or wipe out the pleasure that I do get. You always stopped short of truly hurting me" he points out.

"Except this last time." I still feel badly about that. "I choked you and probably tore you and that's the worst kind of hurting you."

"That's hardly the worst kind of hurting me, love."

Frowning, I try and think of a worst way to hurt him or anyone really, but truthfully I'm drawing a blank. "I'm not sure how I could have honestly hurt you worse, Zedd."

"Trust me, Thomas a few injuries is hardly a concern. If you truly wished to tear me apart you leaving me or taking the children from me would be the way to utterly break me beyond repair."

"I would never leave you, Zedd, and even if something did happen between us I would never on my life keep you from the kids or them from you. I do understand what you mean, though."

"It doesn't help though does it?"

"Not really. I still feel badly about harming you regardless of how easily you bounced back from it."

"It was an unusual set of circumstances" Zedd responds easily. "And, as I told you, I'm not traumatized in the least by it. Based on things you've said and my own memories on the matter, it's - again - not the first time and there's been more than once that you've been aggressive that I needed it as much as you did."

"Oh really?" I ask skeptically. "And when was that?"

"Right after Annwyl visited the first time and you had to beat the hell out of him. The person I became would never have admitted this, but I needed you to claim me as yours after that."

"What?" Taken back by this and feeling his slight embarrassment through the bond, I give him my complete attention. "Why?"

"I needed to know that I was yours for one thing. For another I..." Trailing off and for the first time in ages blushing, he gives a slight shrug. "I needed you to take care of me. It hurt, what he said. It hurt bad enough that I thought he left me because he found someone else, but to find out it was all a lie because he didn't think I was good enough or worth his trouble at the time, I hadn't felt so worthless in a long time, love."

And I can feel his twinge of pain at the memory. I hold him tighter. "You are anything but worthless, my darling husband. I promise you that. But why didn't you tell me this before?"

"As I said, the person I became never would have. It shows a weakness and too many years of having to protect myself in all ways wouldn't have allowed me to - even to you, my love."

He sounds a bit ashamed, but I kiss him gently. "Centuries of habit are hard to break, mate, especially when it kept you alive and safe so long."

"I'm sorry, Thomas. It's not that I don't trust you, I do, but-"

"I'm not upset or angry, Zedd."

"You should be. I know that I'd be upset if you kept something like this from me. I know that I've told you in the past that this is the sort of thing that mates should be able to discuss. To have kept it from you is rather - what's the word?"

"Hypocritical, I think is the word you mean. Besides, if I remember correctly, you did tell me you needed me. At that moment, though, neither one of us was in a position to elaborate or to listen to any kind of explanation. Also, if I remember correctly again, that was the beginning of one hell of a mating session that lead to the first time you took me."

"When you let me have you" he corrects me gently.

"Either way, it was more amazing than I'd ever imagined my first time could be. Not that I had a lot of time to imagine it" I admit. "I mean, I kind of thought about it before then, but lots of times I shied away from thinking about it too much or I'd get nervous or worried or even a bit scared."

"I wish-" Zedd stops and shakes his head. "Never mind."

"No, tell me please. I want to know."

"I know that your first time was hormone driven. You've admitted that much. I just wish that it was more, well-" Suddenly, I know exactly what he's trying to say.

"Because I wanted it, not needed it." He nods. "Zedd, kalleimat, I did want it - wanted you. You obviously still don't remember, but you said then that we could try it if I was ready for it otherwise we could wait it out and the need would probably pass before too long. You offered to wait, I didn't want to. See, the need held back the fear and the worries and all that was left was want and then, when you agreed, anticipation."

He bites his lip as he absorbs this. "Really?"

I can't help but smile as I think back. "Oh yes. And even now, as experienced as I've become, I still can't imagine a better first time."

"I can."

I swing myself around to straddle his lap and wrap my arms around his neck. "Tell me. What do you think would have been the perfect first time for you to have had me?"

"A nice dinner, a bath together, low lights, soft music. Something more, I don't know, romantic than what you got."

I chuckle lightly. "I suppose, but at the time it really wouldn't have fit us, mate. Back then, neither of us was thinking much about romance, more like mating as often as we could. Not that I minded. Believe me, Zedd, it's quite the ego boost to know that someone as young and inexperienced as I was - and am - can satisfy someone with all your experience. And so thoroughly, too."

"There are times that I feel more like a burden since the accident. I still can't remember a lot of our time together, never mind the centuries I've lived before you. I mean, I can't help as much with the children as I'd like, I can't do anything with the business, I can't remember things you like and prefer during mating."

I sigh. "Zedd, I've lost my memory since we've been together too. It was only a couple of days, but that's because the powers healed me and at an accelerated rate. Your memories are coming back, but ten thousand years takes a bit of time, kalleimat. Quite frankly, when we're on Earth, I deal with most of the kids' stuff because there's a lot that you don't understand or can't handle. When we're on Eltar, you do it. At the castle, it's divided much more equally. The business is a bit trickier, but for some time now, you've been working to get it to the point that you didn't have to be involved all that much anymore anyway."

"But there's still you, Thomas. You're being neglected and shortchanged."

"I'm not" I object. "But if it will make you feel better, I'll let you experiment on me like you let me do to you in the beginning." I can feel and smell the surge of lust from him at my offer, but if I know him-

"Thomas, love, that's not necessary, really." -he's going to argue.

"I think it is. This is bothering you and it's something that I can do to help you. Besides, I benefit from it too." Not to mention it'll take my mind off of Sam for a while. I kiss him firmly. "Come on, Zedd. Let's go to the bedroom."

"But the kids-"

"Are sound asleep and will sleep through whatever noise we make. They have before."