0823 hrs.Undisclosed Date
Cafeteria, NERV Headquarters
"Hey, pass the salt." Howard asked a NERV techie several seats down from him.
The man grabbed the salt, passing it to him. Howard began shaking the salt on, when the cap fell off, dumping the entire contents of the shaker onto his omelet. Howard starred at his food thoughtfully, then starred at tech, who was laughing his head off. Howard acted jovial about.
"Hey dude, that was good. Come on man, put'ere there." he said extending his hand.
The techie began to shake his hand, only to be hit with a relatively high voltage of electricity for a split second courtesy of his hand buzzer. The other soldiers laughed.
"I don't even WANT to know why he has one of those at work." Lampright muttered.
1238 hrs.Undisclosed Date
N-FOG Office, NERV Headquarters
There was a knock on the door. Lampright answered, a pizza man with over a dozen pizzas standing in front of him.
"Who ordered pizza?!" he shouted back into the room.
No response.
"Nobody ordered."
"Dude, it clearly says fifteen pineapple and anchovy pizzas to be delivered to NERV Headquarters, room 1545. That's you. I need my money dude." the pizza boy said.
What was happening suddenly dawned on him.
"Maloy! Howard! Get over here! I think we have a situation!"
The two ran over.
"Tell them what you just told me."
"I received an order for fifteen pineapple and anchovy pizzas for here."
Maloy and Howard looked at each other. Maloy grinned as Howard shook his head.
"Fuckin' amateurs." Howard said.
"I hope they realize that this means war." Maloy said.
Lampright broke into a grin.
2203 hrs.Undisclosed Date
N-FOG Office, NERV Headquarters
The soldiers are standing with Lampright addressing them.
"Gentlemen, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to conduct unconventional warfare against the targets. Make no mistake, this is a black op. If you are captured, I will deny all knowledge of your existence. Sergeant Howard will be taking command of this operation, due to his expertise." Lampright told the assembled group.
Howard took Lampright's position.
"I am sure that you are all aware of the slight that has been dealt to us by the enemy. Now we must reply in kind. Allow me to make one thing clear. This is total war. We must meet the enemy with overwhelming force on all fronts simultaneously. Assisting me in this operation is Gunnery Sergeant Maloy."
Maloy waved.
"Command element, your AO is the main male shower room and latrine. You will place dye packets in all of the shower heads, as well as put plastic wrap on all the toilets. First team, you will work in the cafeteria. I want the entire bottle of hot sauce dumped into an entree, as well several random tables booby-trapped with grenade simulators. Second team, you will place that cake, which is happens to be laced with ex-lax, in the control room lounge, as well as prep these stink bombs with remote detonators and place them in the ventilation shafts leading to the main control area. I will be doing some work with various electronic systems around NERV HQ. Maloy will be taking care of their coffee. He will also be rewiring several light switches to cause a wicked shock when activated. You have been assigned your objectives. Be on the look out for targets of opportunity. Any questions? Good. Take your supplies and move out." he said pointing to the table.
The table was covered with materials. Ex-lax, green and blue dye packets, plastic wrap, an empty coffee pot, grenade simulators, string, stink bombs, hot sauce, shoe polish, a very nice looking half-gone cake, dozens of other tools of prankery.
Howard turned to Lampright, snapped to attention and saluted. Lampright returned it.
"I won't fail you sir."
"I know Howard, I know." Lampright said with a smirk.
The various teams took the gear they needed and left the room, creeping through the halls of NERV headquarters.
0012 hrs.Undisclosed Date +1
N-FOG Office, NERV Headquarters
The last man finally straggled in. Maloy entered the room, grinning broadly.
"Anyone hit any targets of opportunity?"
"I put shoe polish on the rubber eye piece of several of the retinal scanners." Lampright said.
"I put Icy-Hot on the toilet seats." Jackson replied.
"Way to go! I didn't think you had it in you!" Howard said, slapping him on the back.
"I put pee-see in several of the urinals." Cooper said.
"You guys familiar with derma-bond?" Smith asked.
Everybody starred at him.
"It's great stuff. It only dries once it contacts flesh, and once it does, it's like super-glue. I put it on the palm scanner on the door to R&D." Smith said with a smirk.
"I tied a tampon to the antennae of the NERV field group's commander's car." Maloy said.
"That's MY car." Lampright said.
"I know."
"Maloy, did I ever tell you your mom shoulda swallowed?"
He turned to where Howard was leaning back in his chair, looking very pleased with himself.
"Howard, what exactly did you do?" Lampright asked.
"I arranged a remote activated audio-only copy 'Debbie Does Dallas' to be played over the PA. Then I changed the elevator music to the soundtrack from 'Mary Poppins'. I also crashed the NERV personal internet access server."
"Nice." Lampright responded.
"So what do we do now?" Larson asked.
"Just sit back and enjoy the ride." Lampright said.
0613 hrs.Undisclosed Date +1
Hallway, NERV Headquarters
Cooper stops a NERV tech, his skin dyed blue, from entering the elevator.
"I'm sorry, smurfs aren't allowed down there."
"Chief, let me through."
"I said no. Don't make me get Gargamel."
"The last laugh is ours, grunt. Major Katsuragi's on her way to talk to your commander RIGHT now."
"Oh shit."
Cooper pulled out his radio.
"Lampright, the maj is on her way to see you."
N-FOG Offices, NERV Headquarters
"Thanks." Lampright said through the radio, dripping sarcasm, before returning his attention to his superior.
"Captain, how do you justify this-this prank war?!" she yelled.
Lampright shrugged.
"Slow week."
"Slow week?! Someone urinated in the coffee pot!"
"Heh, yeah, that'll happen."
"Your troops are out of control."
"Hey, YOUR boys started it. You shouldn't dish if you can't take."
"Captain, we had to call a paramedic to help a researcher whose hand had been GLUED to a palm scanner pad."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"Captain, control your men. That's all I'm asking. Please."
"Fine, control yours and there won't be a problem.."
The Major sighed.
"A truce. I'll try to get them to stop."
"Then we will stop."
"Thank you."
'Man, I NEED some chocolate. Wasn't there part of a cake left in the lounge?' she though to herself as she left.
The major turned around and walked out, passing Jaeger who was on his way in.
"Well, it looks like she found one of your retinal scanners." he said after the door closed.
"Yeah, it was really hard not to laugh."