To understand this story, one must first look up a user of this website, a fellow writer by the name of BobCat. Then, one must read his incredibly funny story The Ballad of the Physics Police, which remains unfinished and probably will always be.

Done? Okay, welcome back. This story is a hypothetical conclusion to that story. Call it a divergent timeline, a Retcon Punch, or whatever you like. Perhaps just a wizzard did it. Nevertheless, here it is.


Ballad of the Physics Police
Chapter 67: Didn't See That One Coming

Erik and Celeste finally escaped from the insane series of games and obstacles that the Physics Police used as entertainment, and found themselves in a hallway oddly identical to every other hall in the massive HQ.

"Is it just me," asked Celeste, "or are we back where we started from?"

Erik sighed. "When your building is as big as a continent, it's probably hard to afford an interior decorator. Come on..."

Erik and Celeste took a right down the hall and ran past a crowd of Barabels and some Ferengi and made it to a bulkhead, when suddenly, doors slammed behind them and in front, and Phil and Ralph suddenly teleported between them and the two exits.

"It's over Erik," Phil said, pointing two open hands charged with chi at the vigilante couple.

"Don't even think of trying to go through us. Omi, GoChibi, and Ryoko's brat are on the other side of the doors," Ralph warned, emphasizing his words with the Force. He repaired the Valkyrie Beam in case he had to use it on the runaway extra-universal fugitives.

"Well, this isn't really what I'd had in mind. We should have stayed in the labyrinth. It would have given us more options." Erik looked around, and then glanced up quickly, and back down. The motion was so quick that Phil and Ralph both thought he had merely blinked.

But it had given Erik enough time to notice both a sprinkler nozzle and an air vent shaft on the ceiling.

"Look," Celeste said, "We don't want—"

But before she could finished, Erik grabbed her. "Come on, Raven!" He jumped, wife in hand, into the vent, knocking the covering away and quickly crawling down the space.

"We fell for the oldest cliché in the book!" Phil blurted. As if there was a cruel manipulator of fate, Erik decided at that moment to use the flamethrower in his cyborg arm to activate the sprinkler and douse Phil and Ralph with water.

Phil's chest swelled up, his hair grew longer, and Phil became female once again.

She cursed Bobcat. "I swear I'm going to... hurt you!"

Hardly a chivalrous way to behave, admonished King Arthur within Phil's skull.

Isn't cursing the Author what us all into this mess in the first place? asked Sailor Io?

"Doesn't matter, guys. It's not me, this time," Bobcat's voice came from above. "This time, it's Chaltab."

0000

Back in Ecks' room, she staggered over to a mirror. "What is wrong with me?" Her headache from earlier had gotten worse, but even more troubling was that she was beginning to feel positively EVIL inside. And it was giving her quite the case of nausea.

Her eyes—they were not even hers. It was like they were bottomless pits of pure LUST. They weren't her eyes... And suddenly, her skin began to literally crawl, and it went from it's normal tan Japanese tone to a fair white shade, just short of making her look like Powder... But her eyes. They didn't change. Pits of endless evil.

They weren't her eyes, she realized.

THEY WERE AGONY'S!

0000

By the time Erik and Celeste got out of the vent system, the Physics Police and the future girls had almost caught up with them, and they took of into a dead run, eventually coming into an open garden lit by simulated sunlight. It was a nice place in a very dull building.

Erik and his wife slowed and stopped in the middle of the garden. Celeste had been right; Erik needed rest.

He breathed heavily, and said, "Maybe we should give up, and just strike a deal that involves us getting our minds wiped and us sent back home... or something."

"Are you OK, dear?" she asked. It was unlike Erik to give up.

Then, the five pursuers entered the garden. If they had to, she and Erik could run one of four directions.

"Will you PLEASE just give up, Ravensky?" Phil complained, tossing her hair back with a flick of her head. "I AM authorized to go Super Saiyan while I'm a woman. So.. don't mess with me!"

"Funny. I thought that Spider-girl was someone else. It was YOU wasn't it."

Phil growled.

Erik smirked knowingly. "Sorry. I just..." And suddenly, Erik keeled over, his hands hitting the floor hard enough to dig up divots. "No!" he whispered. "NO!"

"What is it?" Celeste gasped, bending down to comfort her husband.

"No... NOT HER! NOT HERE!" Erik began sweating profusely—so much that the capillaries in his skin burst and blood seeped from his pores...

And in that moment, Celeste realized in horror what was Erik was talking about, and an instant later, refused to believe it.

Erik seemed paralyzed with fear, not moving except for long, shallow breaths. Ralph and Phil ran over to him. "What's wrong? This had better not be another..."

"She is here," Erik said, his voice a hollow shell of what it had been. "I don't know how. I don't know where. But she is in this building."

"Who?" Phil asked.

"AGONY."

0000

Heads turned when a shapely woman sheathed from neckline to toe in a black cat suit entered. Men stared at her perfectly sculpted face, and wondered why her eyes remained closed, and how she could still seem to know where she was going without looking...

None of that mattered when she opened her eyes, though; because there was no doubt when she did that she was a princess of hell.

Several men screamed at the sight of her; but those cries were soon cut off when her fingernails suddenly grew in length, cutting through cubicles and steel and flesh, spraying blood everywhere as they dug their way to the center of each body, and wrapped around a heart.

Screams of fear and pain erupted from the survivors, and were magnified when Agony retracted her claws, literally jerking the hearts of half the men in the room out of their chests, where she pulled them over to her, writhing in bliss as the blood dripped off and ran down her body.

Then, one by one, she unhinged her jaw and ate each cardiac muscle individually, slowly chewing until her hands were empty.

But they were hardly clean, and she licked her face and fingers of the blood.

"MONSTER!" Came a cry of a brave, foolish young man that looked like Orlando Bloom. He dived at Agony and, brandishing a 10-gage, shot her head off, chunks of bone and brain soup exploding allover the floors. The ensign Mather, sighed heavily, and started to the comm. to alert that the threat had been neutralized—already the alarms were blaring in the background from the survivors, gone to warn everyone...

But a sharp pain lashed through his shoulder and pinned him to the wall. He craned his neck, clawing to see what was behind him, and nearly tore his arm off, the crimson life flowing out of him as he tore his arm away from the dart that had pinned him..

And there she was, her head fully reformed by the dark evil that powered her. And her eyes—OH! Her eyes were a pit, an unending well of sheer cruelty.

"De... Demon!" Ensign Mather screamed. But it did not save him. The evil woman punched him in the chest, knocking him against the wall and ramming the opposite shoulder back through the spike that first drove him into the wall, cutting right through the nerve.

Mather shrieked in pain for ten full minutes as she tortured him, slowly killing him for her own sadistic pleasure... But he didn't DIE after ten minutes. He simply lost his voice from screaming...

It took a full thirty before he finally breathed his last...

0000

"You're sure?" Phil blurted.

Erik just nodded.

"HOW? I thought she was dead!"

"I don't know." Erik drew Redemption. "I cut her down with this blade. I watched her die. We are connected, and if she had survived I would have known…" His eyes grew wide for a moment. "She learned to sever that connection. It's back now, but it allowed her to survive. But I don't know how—I was so sure she was dead this time. Really gone."

Ralph spoke up, "What if her... soul, for lack of a better word, was contained IN the blade?"

"If that were the case, then where—" Erik's eyes suddenly shot wide. "Jun!" He blurted.

"Jun?" Phil asked. "You mean Ecks?"

The expression on Erik's face said it all.

Ralph reached out in the Force, searching for their under-the-weather companion... And found a well of evil, Jun's soul but a muffled whisper in an unending torrent of wickedness. He fell over, and almost vomited, barely able to sense Jun's murky presence in the ocean of darkness, and not wanting to delve any father into this depravity to make contact.

"Oh, no!" Suddenly, Ralph began to sweat like Erik had, though not quite as strenuous, as his perspiration did not become blood. "She's got Ecks! She—I can't explain it. But Agony... Not a woman," Ralph took a deep breath and stood up. "Phil. We are in deep excrement."

Phil nodded, and Ralph perceived that Phil was now gladder than ever to be something other than a Jedi. The Ultimate Warrior sat down and thought, clearly despairing. If Agony was half as bad as Erik said, how could they hope to defeat her?

"I'll go," Erik said. "I brought her into this place, and I will finish her off. It ends today." Erik cursed Agony and took off down one of the halls.

"Be careful, Chris," Celeste whispered once he was gone.

"Mrs. Ravensky," Ralph said. "Aside from the sword, does Agony have any weaknesses?"

Celeste blinked. "She... This sounds ridiculous, I know: Love hurts her. Love, Joy. Happiness, I suppose. Her power is strengthened by pain, but pain inflicted with no motivation but pure love—she can't draw strength from it."

"That could be useful information," Ralph said.

"It's hopeless. If Erik sweats blood at the thought of her, then what can we do? If hitting her just makes her stronger, then how can we hope to win?" Phil was obviously PMSing and seriously needed some testosterone. But Ralph sensed that even that might not console her.

What do you think you're doing? Io blurted within Phil's brain. You're the reincarnation of a Moon Kingdom warrior! Act like it.

The lady doth have a point, said Arthur. How canst thou call thyself a King of England if thou backest away from an enemy at hearsay?

Phil sighed inwardly. Her hope stopped falling, but it didn't rise any either. It's Erik's battle. We should just let him fight it.

Io and Arthur both were outraged, but Io was more vocal about it. Or... mental about it. Whatever. Where's your pride? Are you saying that you're going to let that cyborg vigilante show you up when you could have the biggest case of the century under YOUR belt and finally get both the respect and power you deserve?

You're right, Phil suddenly told her. "What the frack was I thinking?"

"Huh?" was the consensus from Ralph and the girls.

"We're the Physics Police! We are better than this! We need to prepare for even the slightest chance Erik doesn't win. Or, we just steal his kill outright."

"Agony is... crafty to say the least," Celeste said. "Some of the things she's adapted to in the past, from what Erik has told me..." she trailed off.

"I understand," said Phil. "And that's why we have to get the ball rolling. If Erik loses, it's up to us." She walked over to a flowing aqueduct through the garden, stole a plastic cup from a child, emptied the soft drink therein, and dipped it in the water. Phil focused her chi to warm the water to nearly boiling, despite protests and shin kicks from the small human.

"What are you doing?" Ralph asked. He watched as Phil dumped the contents allover her body, which caused her chest to contract greatly, her frame to widen, and her brown hair to shorten to a much more masculine length... Phil was now male again.

He tossed the cup back to the child, who was now standing mouth hanging open, flabbergasted by what he'd just witnessed. (Some parents shielded their kids from the weirder going-ons around the HQ.)

"Contact O'Conners," Phil said. "Tell him with have a Omega Class emergency—infiltration by a near indestructible evil entity."

"Right," Ralph agreed, and did so.

"Omi, GoChibi, Ryoko," Phil said. "You too, Ralph. Come with me."

The five made their way to a small room labeled SU-8 LRR (Last Resort Room) . "Joe won't mind," Phil explained to the kids and Ralph. They're off on a mission to Chiss Space looking for an escaped Klingon mercenary.

"What is this room?" Ralph said.

"It's a mass transport unit—SU-8 prepared it for another possibility; we are going to use it against Agony. Get every superhero group you can find; The Justice League, The Justice Society, Titans, Outsiders, Doom Patrol, Avengers, Fantastic Four... Spider-man, the X-Men, The Z-Senshi, Sailor Senshi..."
"The 'Tenchi crew'?" asked Ryoko, referring to her father and the rest back in FC-1.

"Yeah."

"And Ranma, too?" Ralph asked.

"Anyone you can think of!" Phil pressed some buttons, and O'Conners transferred from Ralph's com to a large screen in the SU-8 LRR...

"Can you please explain to me what's going on here?" O'Conners blurted. "Why did Ralph request an Omega—"

Phil cut him off. "Agony. Ravensky's grief. She somehow survived, and has possessed Ecks, and she's currently in the base. Sorry, sir, but I'm taking some matters into my own hands. If you can, get EVERYTHING we can to slow her down. I have a plan, but it will take a while to put into effect."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Open the Big Gate, sir. Bring in EVERYONE. The Grand Army of the Republic—the Chiss Ascendancy Fleet---The TDC if you have to. This threat is bigger than even I really know, if Ralph and Erik are to be believed."

"How do we know this 'Vengeance' is trustworthy?"

"Sir, to speak frankly, when Erik sensed her, he began sweating blood."

Phil's statement hanged in the air, as O'Conners processed the seriousness of someone like Erik being THAT stressed.

"I'll do what I can."

"Phil," Ralph said, "I'm having trouble locating the Dragon Ball Universe that Agony previously visited." Ralph suddenly winced and his demeanor changed. "People are dying, Phil. I feel them crying out in the Force."

"I can't make the pain go away, but perhaps I can help find that Dragon Ball Universe," Celeste said.

"How'd you get in here?" Phil blurted.

"Did you expect me to just wait in the garden?"

"Right. Ralph, you and Celeste get to work on finding that Dragon Ball Universe. If nothing else, Goku and the others will have motivation, and are known to be SSJ4—which is REALLY odd since Dragon Ball GT doesn't exist, it being a big-budget fan fiction in and of itself. But I digress.

"Girls, keep beaming in those heroes. Get the FC-1 versions whenever you can to avoid culture shock, but NOT the FC-1 Z-Senshi."

"What are you going to do?" Ralph asked, glancing over his shoulder and seeing that Phil was clearly reading think it's time to fight apparent violations of Universal Law with more violations," he said. "Unless of course, Agony speaks German."

"You mean?"

"Yup. The Joke."

"I know Agony doesn't speak German," Celeste interjected. "What is 'the joke'?"

Phil explained it to her.

0000

The elevator fell to the bottom, all fifteen people on board dying instantly—except for Agony. She crawled out of the lift she had doomed, drenched in the blood of its former occupants.

"AGONY!" a familiar voice resounded. When Agony's eyes reformed after having been gouged out, Erik Ravensky was standing in front of her, Redemption drawn and ready to cut her down again.

Agony licked the blood from her face. She said nothing, but just stared at Erik, with her horrible lust-filled eyes.

Those eyes...