Ballad of the Physics Police
Chapter 68: Having a Plan

Ralph followed Phil to a terminal in the back of a cordoned off section of the Physics Police base, where he had told Ralph to use the Force in order to distract some guards. Finally, the duo had made it into a room with a big and very off limits computer. "Phil, you're not making any sense. Fanfiction isn't real! What do you hope to find here?"

"Answers," Phil said. "Answers to why the fan fiction in which Agony entered the Dragon Ball Z universe is real when all the others are not."

"That's what this probe is for?" Ralph asked, holding up the psychic detonator Phil had told him to carry. Mostly so he could walk around with clinched fists and arms locked in rigor mortis (but without the mortis part), just to look angry.

Ralph flashed a bit of resentment over the fact that the girls had been left alone with Celeste, still not having found the correct Dragon Ball Universe. But Phil insisted this was important.

"No, the probe is part of my plan, but first I need to know something."

As Phil approached the terminal, an officer Phil had never seen stepped out and told him a level-843 authorization was required to be admitted beyond this point. Phil glared at the man and then punched him across the room with a small burst of chi, and the guard collapsed to the floor unconscious upon hitting the wall of the far end.

This prompted a door to open and release a duo of armed Yuuzhan Vong Hunter battle droids. "Belgium!" Phil screamed, throwing up a ki shield to block the incoming blaster bolts.

"Phil!" Ralph waited till Phil looked his direction and tossed Phil the heavy probe, then cast a fireball at one droid, while simultaneously using the Force Power Destroy Droid on the other. The one hit by the fireball didn't go down, so Ralph repeated Destroy Droid, fusing circuits and breaking wires until it fell apart.

"Good job," Phil said. "I could have done that too, but... You know. I'm busy holding the probe."

Ralph rolled his eyes. "Sure."

Ignoring being upstaged yet again, Phil half flew, half walked over to the large terminal that was mercifully undamaged in the fight.

"Search for, Fanfiction," he said, typing it as he went.

FANFICTION IS NOT REAL.

"Search for Dead Universes."

YOU DO NOT HAVE CLEARANCE TO ACESS THESE FILES

"I bet I don't." Phil began hacking, occasionally asking Ralph to make predictions in the Force, to which Ralph normally replied that the Force could not be used that way.

"Fine," Phil said. "Ralph, use that destroy droid power on this thing."

"How will that help?" Ralph asked.

"Just do it. We'll find another terminal."

Ralph raised his hands and opened up to the Force...

The computer screen flickered: WAIT. THIS UNIT DOES NOT WISH TO BE DESTROYED.

"Ah ha!" Phil said. "I knew you were sentient. I can hack anything that isn't!"

Only thanks to our help, said Io. We raise your IQ by at least 20 points.

Lady Io speaketh the truth, Phil. said Arthur. Givest thou credit where thine credit is due.

Phil ignored the voices in his head. "Tell me what I want to know."

The computer, suitably scared by Ralph's threat, began displaying information on the giant screen—page after page of contraband information. Phil began reading the words, and suddenly, a whole new world seemed to be opening up.

Lies. Everything he thought he knew about the subject of fan fiction universes was a lie...

0000

"I've been thinking," Agony said after a while of the two just staring at each other in mutual antagonism. Erik was full of hate, Agony full of evil glee. "What would it be like from your perspective? If I was in your shoes and there was me running around. How angry it must make you..."

She didn't continue, so Erik asked, "What did you find?"

Agony smiled. "That I really don't give a—f" before she could finish, Erik pistoned out a mechanical fist into Agony's face, cutting her with his claws and sending her head spinning around in circles, breaking her neck several times over.

Then he drew Redemption, from which Agony jumped away. She extended a fingernail until it was about four feet long, and then broke it off and wielded it like a katana. The two blades clashed together in front of the elevator, and Erik dove away, springing off the wall and lunging forward trying to ram the sword through Agony's stomach. Agony stepped to the side, however, and swung her blade down at Erik as he passed...

But Vengeance was too swift, bringing redemption around and blocking the blow that would have removed his foot without negating his forward motion. He rolled as he landed, and sprang back up, viciously assaulting the devil woman—he poured all his might and more into every blow, and for a moment, Agony was having trouble adjusting.

High.

Low.

Parry.

Erik whirled around and tried to claw out her eyes—he succeeded, but the wounds heal quickly. She was gaining strength, just as she had in the Dragon Ball Universe.

She had never seen such ferocity from him, at least not simultaneously with preternaturally precise technique and finesse, and suddenly, Agony found herself disarmed...

"My demand stands," Erik stated. "Die." He swung Redemption around, dragging it across her neck causing blood to pour out her jugular. Then he reversed it and rammed the blade through her stomach.

Agony's eyes bulged in surprise, and she staggered back. But Erik was suddenly alamred to realized she wasn't in any pain...

"This is... odd," Agony said. For once, she looked honest-to-God confused out of her mind. Well, as honest to God as any demon could be, at least...

"I feel the pain," she said, and inhaled in euphoria as she drew another breathed. "I enjoy this pain. But I can't draw strength from it." Erik's eyes flashed, and he realized what was going on: Once again, Agony had adapted—the Redemption was no longer powerful enough to affect her! "Curiosities," she shrugged. "Ta, Ta, Christopher," Agony said, making Erik furious at her for using his real first name, and suddenly, she melted into a pit of black and phased through the floor—off the find new victims.

Erik fell to his knees and looked at the blade.

Agony had been utterly destroyed before, in another Universe, by a Spirit Bomb made of all the love and hope of the Galaxy. But that had been undone when Erik had used his wish to the Eternal Dragon to reset time to the point before he'd thrown the evil woman into the portal, and had brought her back into his own world, just to save theirs.

Even if she had somehow become immune to Redemption, she could be beaten here...

But where would he find a Spirit Bomb?

0000

"Should I bring in the Skywalkers?" GoChibi asked Omi.

"Hm. I don't see why not..."

"NO!" blurted Tenchi's daughter Ryoko. "Ralph barely touched her with the Force and fell over. If she were to kill a Jedi or Sith—ANYONE with Force sensitivity, then she would gain that ability her self... And then..."

Omi and GoChibi looked at her.

"She could use the Force on others, baka," Ryoko said with a frustrated sigh.

"She might even kill your 'Force'," Celeste said. The statement hanged in the air for a moment.

"OK, no combat Jedi," Omi said. "But I'm bringing in a Jedi Healer in addition to some of E.T.'s race. We'll need healers."

The other girls nodded and continued searching. After a few minutes, Celeste said, "There it is!" pointing to a set of data on GoChibi's screen.

"You certain?"

"Mostly," the woman replied. It did not instill them with a lot of confidence.

Suddenly, Erik entered the Last Resort Room with a few minor scratches. "She is immune to Redemption," he said, and his wife gasped.

"What!" Celeste blurted.

Ryoko was more concerned about other issues, "How the heck did you get in here?"

"I followed the trail Celeste left for me," Erik stated. "Now, as I was saying..." Erik was clearly getting angry. "We have to stop her in a way that doesn't involve throwing large numbers of wimps at her. The more people she kills, the more powerful she will become."

GoChibi raised an eyebrow, "We're working on it OK. You're wife just helped us find the Dragon Ball Z dimension that Agony visited before."

Erik winced slightly at such an unceremonious description as 'visited' to denote what Agony had done there—the pain she had caused and death she'd brought, but he let it go. "Good. Goku remembers what happened there. He won't hold back."

"What about my dad?" GoChibi asked.

"Who's your dad?"

"Son Gohan," she stated proudly, then thought better of it, and shrugged. "The version you know isn't my father."

"I gathered that. Because Agony... killed him, he didn't remember anything that happened when the world reset—I have no idea why any of this happened, or even how I remember it. Agony remembers, though."

Omi stood up. "That doesn't matter. We're about to bring in the soldiers. Ravenskys. Follow us and join those who will fight against the evil one!"

As they went, GoChibi whispered to Omi, "Nice drama, there."

0000

Phil and Ralph stared in horror at the screen. So this was it. The truth. It read:

If you are reading this, then you know the underlying deception the Physics Police must maintain. We tell our operatives from the lowest recruits to section commanders the same thing: fan fictions are not real. We even place an annoying young ensign that they won't feel guilty about offing in every Monitor Room—and destroy him when they decide to demonstrate it in order to reinforce the belief that considering the fact that this story is indeed a fan fiction should negate our existence, yet it does not.

Fanfiction is controlled by the destruction of any unstable universe. These detestable but necessary procedures have come to be known as UNIVERSE ABORTIONS by those who perform them.

UNIVERSE ABORTIONS was clickable, so Phil clicked on it.

In order negate the levels of chaos produced by the Universes that eventually become fan fiction, all universes clearly matched with an existing fan fiction story are immediately destroyed. This rule has exceptions, primarily when destruction of a universe would at some point destroy a canon character from a non-fan fiction universe.

"That explains how Agony and Erik were able to enter the DBZ universe," Ralph said.

"Destroying that Universe would negate Erik and Agony's existence in Legacy after the events of Consuming Madness, let alone Atrocities."

Phil glanced at Ralph. "Then my plan can work. I only hope this will deliver."

"Where are we going?" Ralph asked.

"Get the probe. It's time to undo a universe abortion."

0000

The greatest group of superheroes ever assembled stood in an unrepentantly large sub-chamber of the Last Resort room—everyone from Superman to Captain Atom, and from Captain America to Doctor Strange.

The Sailor Senshi from FC-1 were there as well.

"Hi, sweetie!" Usagi waved at GoChibi as her daughter hovered above the room with Ryoko and Omi.

GoChibi blushed. "Hi, mom," she said quietly, and waved nervously.

Everyone stood awkwardly, all the heroes talking amongst themselves about what was going on. Nobody seemed to have an answer, and the air was full with a sense of panic, as if they could lash out and attack at any instant, which would be especially bad if any of the Z-Warriors did so.

Or Superman. Or Bruce Banner.

Thankfully, they had all been given Babel fish, so there were no language problems to work out. Someone had to take charge. "Attention," Omi said, loudly and clearly, using her ki to project her voice. "Hello. I'm sure all are wondering why you've been teleported here. I'm sure those in charge here will know of the Physics Police."

"Not those mean guys again!" Usagi blurted. Apparently, the time line shift that had made her smarter hadn't granted her any more tact.

"Unfortunately, yes," said Omi. "There is a reason you've been called here, and it is of utmost urgency. There is an unbeatable force of pure evil here, in this building, and she must be stopped."

"I warn you before hand; no pain you cause her will hurt her," said Ryoko, reciting what Celeste had told her. "She can regenerate all injuries, and the pain she inflicts on others as well as the pain you inflict on her only aids her in this ability. And she enjoys it."

"Really," said GoChibi, "We don't even think any of you can kill her. Her name is Agony."

On cue, Celeste turned on a hologram of the monstrously evil woman, and several shocked exclamations came from the side of the room containing the heroes of the Dragon Ball Universe.

"I thought she was dead," said Goku from the other side of the room.

Celeste walked forward and greeted the Z-Warriors. "I'm sorry, but she's back now. And she threatens to do the same thing here that she did to your world, Goku."

"Our best bet is to get her into a SERAI chamber," Omi said, "something like a Danger Room," she explained, which at least made sense to the X-Men. "It's a holographic chamber that distorts space and creates hard light illusions."

"Once she's inside, you can all unleash your powers without fear."

"Sounds like a plan," Wolverine said, extending a claw. "But how do we know you can be trusted?"

"Indeed," Question, the objectivist Justice League conspiracy theorist asked. "How do we know that you are who you say you are."

Now it was Erik's turn to calm everyone. "Trust me," he said. "When you meet her, you won't be able to help but know she is evil. I'm just afraid this is too little too late. I feel her growing stronger as we speak..."

"I really need to know," Garfield Logan, the Titan known as Beast Boy and Changeling asked, "that if you beamed us here, why don't you just beam her where she won't hurt anyone?" His seasons on Space Trek had given him a repository of Science Fiction solutions. Things normally weren't that easy, of course.

"We've tried that," said Erik. "But her regenerative abilities reassemble her just as fast as the beam can take her apart."

Beast Boy blinked. "That sucks."

"Anyone who doesn't want to fight her is free to leave," Omi offered.

Everyone took one more look at the hologram, and the consensus was this: they were heroes. There was no turning back.

0000

The Sky Field, an enormous open room near the base of the Physics Police's massive HQ, sprawled out before Agony. And soldiers were everywhere. Before realizing the folly of it all, O'Conners had authorized the armies of the multiverse to attack Agony.

And she was winning.

Blaster bolts rained down as Arc troops charged the devil woman, being cut down where they stood by Agony's meta-morphing fingernails. Blood leaked onto the massive battle floor, and more blaster blots slammed into Agony, exploding on contact and tearing off her flesh, shattering her bone, and burning her to a crisp. Giant Star Destroyers above her rained down with turbo lasers, but every time she survived and kept on walking.

A line of Clone Troops blasted at her. The lasers tore her to shreds, but the dark power that give her life pulled her back together and sealed the wounds tight. Agony extended her hands outward, and her fingernails shot off in ten centimeter segments plowing through the troopers and then changing vector, blasting through more troopers, or the same ones, causing blood to explode out of the poor soldiers and energy to pour into Agony. As she continued to walk forwards towards the Big Gate that let all the ships and soldiers in, Agony stepped over a bleeding corpse of one commander Dibraq, removed his helmet, and tore off his ear. She ate it, and kept going, stepping on his head and crushing it as she went...

"TAKE THIS!" came a call from a nearby unit of medium tanks, and an Orange Star Army CO named Max blasted Agony with medium tank guns, shredding the body. But Agony yet lived, blasting across the distance and driving her extended index fingernail through his shoulder, slowly arcing it down to his heart, and sucking the blood therein into her own body through the orifice her hand had become.

Max was only saved from death when the Yamoto Cannon of a Confederate Battleship tore through Agony, knocking her from her perch on Max's tank and into a pile of reformed Yuuzhan Vong, who made short order of tearing into the evil femme fatal with characteristic battle-born glee.

They harrumphed a Vong battle cry, tearing Agony's body parts from the fray they had caused and spreading them out, howling in victory at her apparent death, covered in her blood, but not caring.

Then, said blood hovered off of them and pooled in the air, the veins that contained it pulled themselves together with dark energy; her body reconstructed itself in a matter of seconds.

Agony laughed sadistically, and through her fingernails out, extending them as they cut through Vong and human and any other race that got in her way, slicing them up, and whenever possible, launching edible organs her way.

Perhaps now that she was here, she would kill Bacchus and take his ability to generate wine, which she would apply to all future cuts, just to make them sting. Though, that would prevent potentially painful infections later, which she would enjoy. But normally, her victims didn't live long enough to get infections...

Agony shrugged. She didn't know where to find Bacchus anyway. She formed a fireball and hurled it at a nearby Galaxy Class Starship, and writhed in glee as she felt it's crew die while the ship fell apart and crashed into the ground, where it killed yet more people, making Agony stronger still.

0000

"Admiral Thrawn?" Gilad Pellaeon prompted the blue-skinned red eyed Chiss—the current leader of the Imperial Army. By his way of measuring time, anyway. "Orders?"

He still didn't really understand what was going on, but when a single woman had began tearing through the armies gathered here for no reason, the Chimaera had begun firing at her. Now it seemed she was more than any one could handle. Thrawn would know what to do, of course. Even if it was a strategic retreat back through The Big Gate.

Right now, Thrawn really wished she had had some art from whatever culture had raised the murderous woman. But since he didn't, he decided to retreat. "Tell the ships to fall back through the spatial anomaly that brought us here," he said. "This enemy is far less predictable than the Rebels."

0000

"Phil," Ralph asked, "why are we standing on the roof of S.T.A.R. Lab's in Florida in the middle of a DC Universe with no apparent ties to Agony or Ash The Wanderer?"

Indeed, the building was located on a small island in the middle of an obscure bay with a curious lack of a city around it. It seemed utterly unimportant.

Phil activated the probe and it hovered up next to his head. "This probe is a Psychic Detonator—it sends out mental impulses. And I'm going to use it to reshape this universe!"

"What?" Ralph blinked.

"I have programmed it to detonate at the beginning of time, which will cause the waves therein to influence the development of this world." Phil pressed a button, and the probe began to fly off the building and looped back around in a long arc. After several flashes, the probe reached 88 MPH and disappeared into the past.

"What did you program it to change?"

"I uploaded it with the entire contents of a particular fan fiction storyline. If my calculations are correct, we will see results in 88 seconds.

"What if you overshoot and miss the beginning of time?" Ralph asked.

"Not a problem," Phil said. "It is programmed to keep going until it stops detecting a fourth dimension."

"Right."

Suddenly, the universe distantly began to vibrate with blue-white energy, and distort. Where there had been no city, there was now a city, growing suddenly from the swamps around the building. The building itself suddenly underwent a violent transformation, becoming a large T-Shaped structure, most of the island having sunk into the bay. Only about twelve acres remained.

"It worked?" Ralph gasped, suddenly standing on a very different type of ceiling.

"Of course it did." Phil said.

"I helped him think of it," Io forced him to blurt.

"You did not! Not this time!" Phil shot back.

Ralph rolled his eyes. "What was the point of us being here again?"

"I'd like to ask you the same question," a nearby voice said. The duo of Physics Police turned to see the Teen Titans, those of the animated persuasion, leering at them threateningly. The speaker had been Robin, and Starfire and Beast Boy were with him, along with one other—a tall youth with spiky white hair, wearing all white as well. He was their target.

"Noel 'Savior' Collins," Phil said. "I am Phil," he gave his last name, and held out his badge, "of the Physics Police. I need your help."

The young man blinked. "You want me?" he stated more than asked.

"Yup."

"What have I done?"

"You're not under arrest, kid.

"I don't trust you," Savior said at last. "I have no reason to, and I want some answers."

He held up his hands and white strands—the Shimmer—lashed outward, hurling towards Phil to wrap him up. Phil just turned on his Reality Checker, causing the strands of nervous system based energy to fall limp and use their namesake shimmery quality upon entering.

"That Shimmer yours is exactly why we need you, man," Ralph said, trying to send reassurance to the teen though the force, and hoping Phil knew what he was doing.

"You..." Noel could not get his Shimmer to work inside the field. "You seem to know a lot about me. Would you care to let me read your mind? It would help me trust you."

"Why not," Phil shrugged, dreading the wet willy potential of what Savior had to do to read minds...

After a while, the youth was convinced and prepared to leave his Universe. "You'll be back before you know, it," Ralph said. "And we'll erase your memories if you want us to."

"I can do that myself," he sighed.

Raven came over. "Noel, are you sure?"

"It's O.K., Rae." He smiled, something he hadn't been doing much, after going insane and all. "These people are telling the truth."

As the duo now a trio left, Raven whispered, "Yes... but about what?"