Author's note: Got a bit confused with who said what in this chapter, so I guessed. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong!

7

"Daddy, look over there!" Satanic Kid called to her father. Mike also turned to see a strange little man in a red jumpsuit drilling away at the ground. He jogged down to join the group who had reassembled on the riverbank.
"It's a little person," Satanic Kid stated the obvious.
"There's two of them," Mrs. Possessed said.
"There's more than two," Mr. Teavee said. Unless Mike was hearing things, his dad sounded a little scared. To an extent, Mike didn't blame him; this whole factory was proving to be a little on the insane side of the spectrum. Plus, his dad was jumpy a lot of the time anyway. Mike shook his head in disbelief as more of the little freaks appeared from nowhere.
"What are they?" Scruffy asked.
"Are they real people?" Mike asked; they couldn't be, right?
"Of course they're real people, they're Oompa-Loompas!" Wonka replied. Riiight, Mike thought, I guess that's what candy does to you.
"Oompa-Loompas?" Posh English Dude asked in a tone as incredulous as Mike was feeling.
"Imported," Wonka said simply, "Direct from Loompa Land."
"There's no such place," Mike's dad said.
"What?"
"Mr. Wonka, I teach high school geography, and I'm here to tell you-"
"Well," Wonka interrupted, "then you'll know all about it and know what a terrible country it is."
Mike snapped his head first towards Wonka, then towards his dad who looked decidedly shocked. Not normally one to stick up for his parents, Mike now wanted to punch Wonka in the stomach and scream, "My dad would know!"
He phased out as Wonka proceeded to tell them some extremely dull facts about the so-called Loompa Land. He saw Possessed Junior was looking pretty bored, too, so he took the opportunity to shuffle over to her and attempt conversation. He had just managed to squeeze past Posh English Dude and was about to shove Fraily McFrailson out of the way, when she blew a huge bubble with her gum. Mike jumped when it popped and something inside him stopped him from going any further towards him. He didn't know if it was the gum itself that creeped him out, or her intimidating aura, or just the fact that she was another human being, but he took a couple of steps back to rejoin his dad.

Mike stared at the ground with mixed feelings of confusion, disappointment and regret. It wasn't like him to be so scared; in fact, he was usually the one to make other people scared. It was Daniel and Claire again, he knew it. They'd freaked him out by suggesting having a girlfriend and now it was making him paranoid. That's why he'd resorted to sarcasm with Satanic Kid; that's why he couldn't go anywhere near Possessed Junior. It pissed him off.
"Gimme my life back…" he muttered to no one.
"Augustus, my child!" the plump woman shrieked suddenly, "That is not a good thing you do!"
Everyone's eyes locked on The Blob who was scooping up chocolate from the river into his mouth. Mike was both repelled and transfixed by it.
"Hey, li'l boy!" Wonka yelled, "My chocolate must be untouched by human hands…"
Mike raised his eyes to the ceiling in despair, and saw a set of pipes heading for the river. He spun round, but no one else seemed to have noticed. He saw why when he looked back at The Blob who had fallen, head first, into the river. Mike heard his dad gasp behind him, and the plump woman didn't look all that happy. Panting for breath, The Blob re-emerged from the chocolate river, only to sink back down again.
"He can't swim! Save him!"
Mike felt a twang of sympathy for him; OK, he was an enormous fat blob of mush who probably deserved it, but it was still pretty harsh. Mike flicked his eyes back up to the pipes, that were now beginning to lower towards the river. He looked back at Wonka and thought about telling him, but it looked like he already knew as he was looking in the same direction…and he was smiling! Mike swore he was smiling! Actually smiling! Mike looked desperately around to see if anyone else noticed it, but they were too busy only just noticing the huge pipes. The Blob was gradually making his way further and further towards the middle of the river, and Mike began to panic as the pipes lowered into the chocolate. Swirling round and round, The Blob's screams drifted in and out of audibility before he was sucked under. The plump woman was standing there in shock, mouth half-open, speechless. Mike considered diving in after The Blob, but remembered he would then be covered in chocolate, and he wasn't prepared to sacrifice that much for someone he'd only just met.
Whoosh!
The Blob flew up the pipe.
"There he goes," Possessed Junior muttered, still sounding quite bored.
"It's a wonder how that pipe is big enough…" her duplicate pondered. Mike had to agree.
"It's not big enough," Scruffy said, and Mike looked back up at The Blob, "He's slowing down."
"He's gonna stick," Mike declared.
"I think he has," Mr. Teavee supplied.
Score one to Mike Teavee! Mike thought triumphantly.
"He's blocked the whole pipe!" Posh English Dude said.

Suddenly the Oompa-Loompas threw down their tools and equipment and started running around, apparently trying to get into some kind of formation.
"Look, the Oompa-Loompas!" Scruffy cried, "What are they doing?"
"Why," Wonka said, almost in a dream, like this was the most magical and beautiful sight he'd ever seen, "I believe they're going to treat us to a little song."
Treat? More like torture…
Sure enough, the Oompa-Loompas started humming, "Oompa loompa, Oompa loompa, Oompa loompa, loompa, loompa…"
"It's quite a special occasion of course," Wonka continued, still in his dream-like state, "They haven't had a fresh audience in many a moon."
Mike prepared himself to cross his arms as they started singing:

"Augustus Gloop, Augustus Gloop,
The great big greedy nincompoop,"

Mike's eyes widened with shock. There was Augustus, stuck halfway up a pipe, and they're singing some Bollywood ripoff about him! Even he thought that was mean!

"Augustus Gloop, so big and vile,
So greedy, foul, and infantile,
'Come on!' we cry, the time is ripe,
To send him shooting up the pipe,"

One of them was suddenly standing just to his left. He jumped and backed off a bit.

"But don't, dear children, be alarmed-" it sang.

"Augustus Gloop will not be harmed,
Augustus Gloop will not be harmed,"

Mike looked around for the source of the trumpets, but couldn't see any anywhere. Things were getting very fishy, and he had a foreboding sense about the rest of the tour, too.

"Although, of course, we must admit,
He will be altered quite a bit,
Slowly wheels go round and round,
And cogs begin to grind and pound,
This greedy brute, this louse's ear,
Is loved by people everywhere,
For who can hate or bear a grudge,
Against a luscious bit of fudge?"

Mike snorted; he certainly could. He watched in numb disbelief as The Blob was propelled into the basin at the top of the pipes and the Oompa-Loompas finished off their song.
"I must say that all seemed rather rehearsed," Posh English Dude said, saying exactly what Mike was thinking.
"Like they knew it was gonna happen…" Mike added.
"Don't be ridiculous," Wonka replied, "How could they know it was gonna happen?"
"Where is my son?" the plump woman asked, "Where does zat pipe go to?"
"That pipe," Wonka replied, "Just so happens to lead to the room where I make the most delicious kind of strawberry-flavored, chocolate-coated fudge!"
"Then he will be made into strawberry-flavored, chocolate-coated fudge?" the plump woman was getting more agitated by the second, and, as far as Mike could see, she had every reason, "They will be selling him by the pound, all over the world!"
That was the main reason…
"No," Wonka said bluntly, "I wouldn't allow it. The taste would be terrible. Can you imagine Augustus-flavored Chocolate-coated Gloop? Ew! No one would buy it."
There were too many politically incorrect phrases in those few sentences that Mike couldn't even think about it, although 'no one would buy it' was sticking very firmly in his mind. He looked over at the two girls and Scruffy who looked every bit as shocked as himself. His thoughts were interrupted by Wonka making a weird noise with his tongue. It was obviously a call for the Oompa-Loompas as one of them appeared. Mike looked suspiciously at Wonka; did he really have to revert to making odd noises to call them? It was perfectly clear that the Oompa-Loompas spoke English, because they'd just sung in English. Unless…no, it was too horrible to be true.
"I want you to take Mrs. Gloop up to the fudge room. K? Help her find her so," Wonka said to the Oompa-Loompa, "Take a long stick, and start poking around in the big chocolate mixing barrel."
He demonstrated with his cane. Mike was now the most scared he'd ever been in his life. With a tug of her skirt, the Oompa-Loompa led the plump woman away from the group and (Mike hoped) to her son.
"Mr. Wonka?" Scruffy asked.
"Huh?"
"Why would Augustus' name already be in the Oompa-Loompa song? Unless-"
"Improvisation is a parlor trick," Wonka interrupted, "Anyone can do it. You, li'l girl. Say something."
Possessed Junior looked up at him for a second, "Chewing gum."
WHAT a surprise, Mike thought.
"Chewing gum is really gross, chewing gum I hate the most. See? Exactly the same."
"No, it isn't!" Mike argued.
Wonka looked at him for while, apparently trying to decide what to think of him, "Uh, you really shouldn't mumble, because I can't understand a word you're saying."
Mike fumed with anger; who did Wonka think he was?
"On with the tour!"
Still shaking, Mike was nudged by his dad and he followed the group down to where a huge pink boat was emerging from the direction of the waterfall.
Oh, man…