Boy, I really lose the gaff for a bit there. If you don't know what that means, don't worry; neither do I. What I do know is that my final wisdom tooth breaking through brought with it a fair-sized fever, sniffles and a sore throat that took several days to recover from, followed by a cough that literally just subsided as of yesterday. So, with that distraction out of the way, I'm free to write again! Until I get distracted by something else besides work, but you've all hopefully grown used to that from me by this point. You can't say I'm not self-aware about this stuff.

Chapter 17: D.S.D, NO ONE TELL McGONAGALL!

OR

It Stands For Demon Summoning for Dummies, But Don't Tell Anyone I Told You

Well my plan for an Easter filled with chocolate smoke grenades and gender-confusing kerfuffle's was blown out of the water before it could even begin. Mostly because my usual supplier had been ratted out and was currently on the run at the moment, but also because, and I quote: 'If I have to talk to one more 15 year old saying that they now sexually identify as a hedgehog or pygmypuff, I will rip out your sorry excuse for a liver and make it beat you into such a bloody mess that St. Mungo himself would wonder what the quivering pile of flesh before him used to be.' Poppy really was quite elegant as she threatened serious bodily harm, but I guess that's what happens when most of your days are spent dealing with all the stupid and often nonsensical aftereffects of children in a magical environment.

You either dropped out of the game, or got WAY too interested in it. Like watching a trainwreck, except then proceeding to get an autograph from the survivors on a piece of paper saying they couldn't legally sue the train company or school they were being delivered to. I feel like I lost control of this metaphor at some point, but at least it was still accurate.

Still, with my initial ideas out of the way, I defaulted back to my old 'Plan B' that I defaulted to in most times of denial or when I forget to make the vague outline of a lesson plan.

Outsourcing to the Infernal Pit and showing others how to do the same. Don't you judge me.

"And now children, if you'll open your desks you'll find one, counting 1, ritual athame, a summoning sigil stencil for you to color in with whatever apparatus you wish, and once you have it sufficiently done, I'll give you one of these specially prepared sacrificial lambs." I gestured to the right of my desk, where indeed a pen of wall-eyed, fluffy looking sheep had been attached to the far wall, right beside a coloring station more fit for an arts and crafts fair.

The 4th Year Hufflepuff's stared aghast at me while one Slytherin looked to be thumbing his cross over and over repeatedly. The rest just looked spooked.

Then, little Mary Holland spoke up.

"Professor...just, what even the fuck." She said as she gestured to my everything with her fancy provided knife, making me grin.

"Aww, c'mon, this shouldn't be a shock to the majority of you! Magic and demons have gone hand in hand since time immorium! Mostly because we keep trying to one-up who can die in the stupidest way, but that's a race where even the winner loses, but that's a different story. Things have changed a lot since those old days. These days, the church hardly ever burns anyone alive at the stake, and with the advent of lawyering as a profession instead of a sentencing, negotiations have made considerable steps forward!" I proudly buffed my fingernails before taking a moment to pat a particularly close sheep on the head, offering it one of the many cookies I kept loose in my pocket. I'm sure it would enjoy the toffee bits in them.

"So, obvious stuff first. Is it dangerous to summon demons? Yes, absolutely, they're demons, if they weren't dangerous then there wouldn't be all this hoopla about Hell being such a bad place. Are there still benefits to continuing such an obviously life-endangering endeavor on a semi-regular basis? Also yes! But before I get into that, let's play a game! Who here can name a demon?"

"Uhh, Satan?"

"Close! That's a big name that if it was ever on this plane of existence we would ALL know about, what with the blood rains and screams of the damned driving the living into conniption fits over their suddenly lacking mortality, but different from what we're talking about. We aren't talking about 'biblical' demons, and more about other dimensional being's that happen to align a little too well with what we define a demon as with a home plane that's almost probably maybe Hell."

"Oh sure, that's MUCH better." I heard muttered in the back of the room, but didn't care enough to tell what assorted kid said it.

"It really is! In fact, the food you eat everyday is brought to you by demons! Ya ever really thought about where House Elves come from?"

"Okay, now you're just talking bullshit." One of the snarkier Hufflepuff's piped up, having realized that the threats of fertilized graves from Professor Sprout kept them from a majority of my bullshit to a degree, and I was willing to give ground where there was some.

"Alright, fine, they aren't directly summoned demons, but they ARE descendants of them. Specifically, they're what happens when a demon decides to get a little too friendly with a local tree or drunk enough table. It's the main reason they can do all the weird shit with magic in places that typically get inhibited for wizards, and why they mostly show up closer to furniture than living creatures in terms of rituals and screenings." I admitted even as I saw the wires connect in several of their heads. Well, that or the image of some grizzled figure dripping with fangs and fire having a picnic with a tree in a skirt, mostly because that was the cartoon approximation I decided to use for the day.

"Now, the demon we'll be summoning today are the lowest of the low, the Imp! As far as the totem pole goes, these guys are so far down they only wish they could get a single lick of the bottom of a bone-dry barrel they're so far in the ditch. Weak enough that even a sickly child could send them flying with a light tap, so magically weak that the second sunlight touches their physical form dissolves back into the dust it uses to approximate its body, these are a perfect introduction to the vast world of casting lines into other worlds to solve problems ranging from the petty to the ultra-petty to the world shattering."

"Wait, if they're that terrible, why even bother in the first place? Like, I get its an objective lesson, but wouldn't there be a step higher or something?" At the question from one of the more curious Slytherins, Greg something, I shrugged.

"The only good thing about an Imp is that they literally live to be useful to whatever is stronger than them, which if you couldn't infer from what I was previously saying, is a long list indeed. So if you can't be arsed to go and get a soda from the cornerstone down the street, do some basic housework, or find a book that got misplaced a few years ago, you can just fire and forget an Imp to do it. They'll either complete the task, or die and you can decide yourself if you want to give it another go or not before doing it yourself. I, personally, have several around with the express purpose of watching bookstore listings for updates from my favorite authors, another set towards unpaid labor for my favorite candy company, and three more dedicated to hide the various traps I lay around the castle." I made sure to enthuse just how useful having a set of hands who never got bored or tired was to have around, and the students were appropriately stunned.

"Wait, are YOU why we kept finding cheesecake filled with bee's in the Ravenclaw tower? Three of us were allergic!"

"To the bees or the cheesecake?"

"YES!"

"Well then you've hopefully learned to never leave hope without your antidotes to bee's, bee poison, and cake. God, I wish I kept my cake antidote around when I was your age. Poor Stacey..." I reminisced for a moment before snapping back to my current reality.

"Alright, so we doing this or what then, I only have so long before these sheep start ruining my rugs and you do NOT want to be the class I keep after hours to clean up the mess."

THAT little reminder got the colors flowing and the knives sharpened!

Maybe even by the end of this some of them would go home with a little bundle of brimstone of their own. Time would only tell.

END OF CHAPTER

I just realized this is coming out on April Fool's. Neat. Anywho, summoner fun is perfect for summer, and now you get a little peak into how I've been setting up my bullshit so consistently! Cause like FUCK I'd do all that shit myself. Hope you all enjoy, leave a little comment, or just start to wonder where the hell my mind will go next with this.

Cause, again, I honestly don't know either. S'fun though!