Dear Readers, I am a big supporter of spreading Awareness about Mental Health, The following chapter involves a detailed description in to the mind of a young woman dealing with depression and anxiety. If you are uncomfortable with any such descriptions or are dealing with any such symptoms then you may wish to avoid this chapter. I am always happy to hear your opinions about my writing and am always open to your suggestions. I have also decided to follow the policy of re-editing the previous chapter every time I post a new chapter, so be sure to check that out. Happy Reading!
The credit for betaing this chapter goes to the wonderful Dr-Lizzie.
Chapter - III Elizabeth
Elizabeth Bennet had always felt that she was like the small goldfish in Sister Mary's office: living in an artificially manufactured environment, thousands of miles away from where she was supposed to be, transported here just by a game of chance.
She had not always been Elizabeth. Her mother had called her something else, a name that was now just a whisper in the wind, never to be spoken again. She had been a curious little thing always full of questions and wild imagination that her mother never knew what to do with her. She had been a simple creature, silly and full of smiles, more like a friend than a mother.
Her mother spoke English and could read simple words but had never received any formal education. Elizabeth always wondered how a young Indian woman ended up alone, and a cook in a miserable school so far from home?
Now she understood. That was why Sister Kitty loudly would whisper behind her back that the apple does not fall far from the tree and discourage the other schoolgirls from talking to her. Maybe being wild was in her blood. Like a rabbit: if the doe and buck are white then the kitten will be white. But, if the buck is brown, then the kitten often has a patch of brown. Yes, exactly like a rabbit: half brown and half white, colour not supposed to be mixed up. Maybe that is where it had gone wrong?
Or maybe she was like those temptresses in The Odyssey trapping men with her wiles? That was what Sister Kitty said.
"No, I am not." Saying this a loud, Elizabeth abruptly sat up in her bed. She must not allow being locked up in a pint-sized room to turn her brain to mush. She was smart. Was she not the only one in her class able to perform as well as the boys from their brother institute, despite having teachers like Sister Kitty and Sister Mary? The former too happy to gossip rather than teach anything worthwhile while; the latter always reading ancient tomes about proper behavior for young gentlewomen. Maybe she should have taken them seriously, for they were certainly no gentlewomen.
The Lambton Home for Destitute Girls was exactly as the name said: for impoverished, orphan and abandoned girls who had no other place in the world.
Abandoned. That word still filled her with an uncomfortable feeling, one she could not properly comprehend. It could not be identified as sorrow, but she knew in her heart that it was an inherent sadness over her fate – a sadness she had bravely carried all her life despite all efforts to be happy.
The daughter of an unwed Indian woman, who now herself was about to become an unwed mother. Life had come full circle.
Now this home was also going to be lost to her. As she contemplated her precarious situation, her Sunday afternoon conversation with old Father Lucas over her refusal to accept the position of a companion to the young, flighty Miss King came to her mind:
"My dear Eliza what could be the reason for your refusal? I know you enjoy tutoring the Gardiner children, but this is a very good situation for a girl in your position. What has made you suddenly against it? Have you been feeling poorly these past few days my dear? You do look a little pale. We must call Dr. Jones for you."
Uncharacteristically, she had been rendered mute as the kind man, who always had sympathy for her fate worried over her health. She recovered herself and said: "No, Father there is no need for it, I have just become a little withdrawn since Charlotte's marriage." She answered, thinking of her recently married friend. Feeling that this answer would not satisfy him, she added: "And I am just feeling a little weather worn, I am sure there are several girls who would be happy to accompany Miss King. I must take my leave now Father, Sister Mary was just calling my name."
"Of course my dear, if you change your mind let me know?"
As she started walking towards the door she heard Sister Mary asking Father Lucas: "How are you enjoying your new position Father?"
She had lied and chose to walk away. Maybe that is why she was caught. After all, liars always get caught.
She did not remember how she climbed the stairs and got to her cramped room. She remembered her breath coming in long gasps, just like Sister Mary's dying goldfish when that naughty little girl had broken her fishbowl, her heart beating wildly like it was trapped somewhere bursting to open. Her underarms soaking her Sunday dress with her sweat while precipitation lined her brows as she felt hot panic building in her stomach, her hands trembling, shaking with fear as she felt something unnatural happen to her body.
She felt nausea come over her and instinctively hurled on the heating pan wrenching, gasping for air as she collapsed on her cold bedroom floor. Then Jane had rushed to her room and started calling for Sister Kitty as she helped her to bed.
"What happened to you? Are you feeling ill? You are usually so healthy" Jane asked softly as she felt Elizabeth's forehead. "Oh, you are sweating do you have a fever Lizzy? Why didn't you tell me before?"
Elizabeth started crying; tears of frustration filled her forest green eyes despite her best attempts to compose herself. Jane's delicate doll like face looked at her with concern, as she asked: "Did something bad happen, Lizzy? Have you heard some bad news?"
When she still did not reply Jane pulled her upright and fiercely hugged her with a surprising amount of strength for such a delicate creature. All Elizabeth's attempts to maintain some modicum of composure instantly shattered as a dam of tears broke out of her. "Oh, what will I do Jane, what will I do? I have ruined my life!" She mumbled into Jane's shoulder. "I was so silly!"
Jane, unable to make out Elizabeth's mumbled words, just said: "Hush now Lizzy, don't cry it will make you nauseous again, everything will be all right you will see."
While Jane did not know anything about Elizabeth's condition, and was just trying to make her feel better, something made Elizabeth badly want to believe her kind but empty platitudes, because when everything goes wrong in life even meaningless kind words make things feel better. Therein lies an inherent weakness within the human race, that makes you want to turn your face and deliberately ignore what is really happening and find some semblance of hope even within your darkest moments that allows you to strengthen your resolve that you can survive this.
Just as Elizabeth started to think that everything would be fine Sister Kitty's high-pitched voice asked loudly: "What happened to you girl? Oh, the smell!" She put her handkerchief under her nose. "You could not rush outside could you? No, you had to throw up here!"
And with that, the good Sister hastily retreated downstairs to where Father Lucas was sitting and discussing some verses of John the Baptist with Sister Mary. Seeing Sister Kitty rushing down the stairs with her handkerchief still under her nose, he asked: "What is the matter? Sister, has some rodent died upstairs?"
"No, nothing of the sort Father. That half Indian girl has gotten sick upstairs. Honestly Father, we teach these girls how to behave in civilized society and still incidents like this keep on happening! Oh, what to do with these nasty girls?"
A little shocked by Sister Kitty's harsh words. Father Lucas realized that Sister Kitty was most probably talking about Eliza and said: "We should call Dr. Jones. Eliza was looking a little pale today at church."
To which Sister Mary, remembering her discussion with him at the church compound while Elizabeth hurriedly rushed through the grounds, quipped: "Oh, how that girl lied to your face Father! She has no sense of shame lying to a priest."
"Oh, she might have been feeling unwell Sister, Remember, 'to err is human, but to forgive is divine'. Let me get Dr. Jones, that poor girl must be feeling sickly, we must be kind."
"Oh, very well Father." Sister Mary replied.
What happened, next ultimately changed Elizabeth's life and many years later, she would remember and tell Darcy: "Whatever happened was fate. We cannot chose what God throws at us, but we can learn be stronger than our troubles and face life courageously."