Well, well, did you miss me! I'm back with a vengeance. And sugar. Someone's been feeding me neat sugar cubes (the type you put in tea or coffee) so I'm HIGH!

To everyone: If anyone's spotted a reference to 'Bad Wolf' in this episode ('The Empty Child'), please tell me! I've caught them in the other episodes but not this one. Even if it is BLATENTLY OBVIOUS please point it out, coz in these matters I can be blinder then the Doctor.

Discliamer: I don't own Doctor Who, Star Wars, Pirates of the Caribbean or The Ring. Heck, I don't even own this computer I'm typing at. Go see the relevant authorities, not me.

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9 – Muuuum-meeeee!

Rose's alien is showing off to her by demonstrating the cool moves of the

'Terribly And Randomly Disguised Interstellar Ship' (credit goes to Bluepod, who thought of this). He's chasing a lump of useless space junk. But nobody knows that's what it is. At this point anyway. When Rose comments on the mauve fashion, he tells her that red was so last century and that mauve is the new red. Bits of the

'Taking Action Right Doesn't (happen) In (this) Show' (Thanks to Aura Starfire, who's dead right, because nothing happens the way it's supposed to if the Doctor or Rose takes a hand!) blow up around our alien. But he doesn't seem to care because it's 'absolutely' safe. Yeah, whatever.

When they finally materialise in a random dingy alley, they're about a month behind. Despite Rose's urging, Trouble-on-legs refuses to do a 'Spock' and scan for alien tech. (Possibly because he doesn't want more comments on the state of his ears). He's off to ask people the old-fashioned way, only pausing to comment on Rose's abysmal choice of clothing. And I must say, I agree with him.

She's so annoyed at the pair of us that she decides not to follow him. Instead, she spots a sinister-looking kid standing suspiciously outlined on top of a really tall building. Not giving any thought to the fact that this could be a set-up, she climbs up to try and help.

Of course you trust your entire weight to a rope that randomly dropped down just when you needed it. Without even checking what it's attached to. Well, I suppose this is Rose we're talking, so ok. She gets an aerial view of London being blown up.

Meanwhile, our Time Lord's being a stand-up comedian. Unintentionally.

Now Rose remembers why she shouldn't wander off alone. She realises she's up a balloon without a ladder and starts yelling 'Doctooooor!'. Even if he could hear her, what exactly is he supposed to do to help? So, she falls.

Not however, to her doom because Random-time-criminal-who-tricked-them-into-coming-here has a handy tractor beam to save her.

At this point Trouble-on-legs is confiding all his troubles to a cat. Then is very perplexed when his

'Terrific At Rose-Distracting, It Seems' (This belongs to fobofish92, thanks loads!) starts ringing. He doesn't know what to do, it doesn't say anything about 'ringing' in the instruction manual. He even asks the phone what he's supposed to do with it. Unsurprisingly, the phone doesn't respond. What do you normally do with a ringing phone? Answer it.

Apparently not, according to the Random-plot-related-woman-who's-very-good-at-vanishing-acts.

Rose finds herself in the arms of a dashing young captain in a spaceship. She faints. Possibly she was expecting to be rescued by her alien.

Nah, he's too busy trailing Random-plot-related-vanishing-woman-who-appears-to-be-a-thief. She's raiding a house for food (and sugar. Something I heartily approve of.). Last Time Lord cunningly slips in with the children so that he gets fed. (He made me jump the first time I watched this!). But he's greedy, so doesn't get to eat much. They get interrupted by… dun, dun, duuurn!

Baby Darth Vader! Well, he has got the breathing-mask thing. This point also reminded me of 'The Ring'. Y'know the bit, where both the Doctor and Nancy stare suspiciously at the ringing phone and neither of them want to answer it.

Random-important-thieving-vanishing-woman-who's-called-Nancy does the intelligent thing and vanishes. The Doctor does his usual 'the alien is innocent, just misunderstood and confused' act and opens the door. Lucky for him, there's nothing out there.

Rose gets drunk while standing in mid-air next to Big Ben with Captain Jack Sparrow. I mean Harkness. Who's waiting for the opportune moment (I'll leave you to decide what for.).

Trouble-on-legs follows his nose (for trouble) and gets told that he ought to see the Doctor. The audience is understandably confused by this. So is he, for that matter.

Rose gets lied to quite a bit in the process of getting drunk and finds out that Jack Sparrow (as I'm going to be calling him) is a professional when it comes to 'Spock' matters. He agrees to find Trouble. By this, he means Rose's alien, who will probably be in trouble.

Actually, he's just forced entry to the same place that Babe was taken to in episode four. It's dark, spooky and quite obviously the place he's going to get attacked. All of the beds have Baby Darth Vader-clones in. But they're dead. In fact, they're not, but we don't know that yet. Our Time Lord talks to the doctor, who isn't anyone special, just someone the BBC can spend a lot of graphics on to scare the kids at home and give this episode its 'five' rating.

The Doctor-doctor (i.e., Trouble) meets the person I'm going to call Jack Sparrow, who insults the leather jacket. He also explains just how badly he's stitched them up. However, before Jack Sparrow can run off, all the Baby Vaders come to life. And they all get boxed in and trapped.

You could see this cliffhanger coming a mile off, but there it is.

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Summary of the Synopsis: The world may not be in danger, but they certainly are. London just happens to be in the process of blowing up around them.

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Don't despair, it looks like they get blown up next week. Well, something gets blown up at any rate. I don't really like the Jack-person at all, but I suppose he's better then Adam. Although, that's not exactly hard, a dead gerbil could be better then Adam.

I'll have to apologise for the Darth Vader references, I'll blame it on the fact I went to see Episode III on Sunday and I couldn't get it out of my head.

And the resolution to the cliffhanger will be next week. Titled (much to my amusement) 'The Doctor Dances'. Presumably because he does. I can't wait!

If any one has any contributions to the

'TARDIS Acronym Really Distracting Intent Survey' (as dubbed by me, coz it's an acronym itself).

I'd really like to hear/read them.

REVIEW!