(A/N I know, I know, it's late. The only thing I can say is… no, that'll just be making excuses so I won't. I am sorry though and I have a longer-then-normal chapter here.
Umm... it's seven in the morning and two in the afternoon, making a grand total of nine in the evening. No Doctors were harmed in the making of this chapter. Plenty of sugar, but no Doctors.
Disclaimer: HAVE YOU NOT BEEN READING WHAT I'VE PUT FOR THE LAST…. (pauses and counts on fingers) TEN (eleven with this one) CHAPTERS! Fine! I'll say it again! Lil' poor sod me (that would be Tai) don't own Doctor Who. BBC does.
In fact, a list of things I don't own but might come up in this chapter:
Cluedo, Pirates of the Caribbean, The Famous Five, Scooby Doo (or Mystery Inc.), Noddy, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Mickey Mouse (in case he might be offended by sharing the same name as Mickey), Star Wars, Frankenstein, Blob monsters, Harry Potter (no, wait, I don't think I mention that one), Any flashing brake lights that might be offended, Supercalifragalisticexpealidocious. Or Lord of the Rings)
11 – God help me, I've gone local
The scene – an evil office of plotting-ness. The characters – a rather worried-looking scientist, whose attitude practically screams 'Innocent victim!'. And someone who seems remarkably familiar. Especially if you watched the 'previously on Dr. Who'. While all the viewers resign themselves to the scientist's inevitable death, he explains that it's almost as if someone wants a disaster to happen and kill lots of people. Regular viewers (and anyone else capable of figuring out this oh-so-obvious plot twist) slap themselves in the head. Well, DUH!
And of course the dude doesn't turn round when she's unmasking her deadly weapon…herself!
I accuse Miss. Random I'm-sure-we've-seen-her-somewhere-before Slitheen-in-disguise in the Mayor's office with …her claws. Can you disprove it, Colonel Mustard?
So, why's Random-boyfriend-I-thought-we'd-forgotten-or-at-least-agreed-not-to-mention aka Mickey getting off a train in… somewhere where the signs aren't in English as their first language? That's easy enough to answer: he's come to find a certain blue box called
'The Amazing Revolt (of the) Daleks Is Soon' (My thanks to Cloudhaven94. There you go, I used it. Daleks next week!).
Although I bet Ricky wasn't expecting the door to be opened by Sparrow. For some un-explained reason, Trouble-on-legs has a flashing brake light attached to his head. Really, why? No one takes any notice of it though. So, if he's Big Ears, does that make Jack Noddy?
Since when has the '(while) Torturing Adam, Rose Demonstrates Immense Satisfaction' (Only one thing to say: I wish. Thank you for the acronym and the sentiment from Interstella) ever needed to stop off and 're-fuel'? I think the script-writers needed an excuse to put them in modern-ish day Cardiff without the TARDIS having another of its 'moments'. ANYway.
The three of them demonstrate that they're in training to be cheerleaders. Mickey shakes his head in disgust and for once, I might agree with him.
We finally find out that this place has a name and that it's Cardiff. 'Safest place to be'. Yeah, right. Why don't I believe him? Because I know him too well.
Just to prove him wrong (and me right), we cut to our villain-ess of the week saying 'nuclear power-station' and 'heart of Cardiff' in the same sentence. Yup, safest place to be, couldn't agree with you more…cough. But everyone applauds. I have a suspicion that if she had said:
'I'm about to blow up the planet. The power station's designed to go into meltdown and create a massive explosion, incidentally killing lots of innocent people and I'm going to ride it out on a surfboard. Oh, and did I mention that I'm an alien?' in the right tone of voice they would still have applauded. No, she's allergic to photos! She's MELTING! Or not.
And she takes away some smart-ass journalist (who also gives off a certain air of 'Sacrificial Victim'). Off to the toilets, where she can un-zip in private (A/N That sounded bad, but you know what I mean). The alien (not our alien) has an angst-type moment for all the family that the Doctor blew up and astonishingly doesn't kill the person about to expose her evil plans. Viewers are left to wonder if the villain-ess is feeling ill, since she let a potential problem escape.
This is depressing, let's have something lighter, like story-time at a random café. Noddy aka Sparrow is telling a funny story that Ricky seems to know the punch line to. Anyone going to explain that to me? (Please bear in mind that Tai's a bit slow). Our Time Lord's on the hunt for trouble and nicks Random-guy-played-by-an-extra-who's-only-purpose-in-that-scene-was-so-the-Doctor-could-steal-his-paper's newspaper (snaffled it (yes Ferntree, snaffled) from right under his nose and he didn't complain!). Using his amazing alien intuitive powers and his 'fantastic' alien mind, the Doctor calculates what's most likely to happen next.
Result: An expression that says: We're screwed.
So, junior detectives 2005 (or is it 2006? What year would it be?) go to investigate. It's a classic formula: 2 guys, 2 gals and a dog (Famous Five, Mystery Inc.). Ok, so there's three guys, but Jack's 50/50. And there isn't a dog (will a TARDIS do?). But anyway, no difference. If there's any chaos to be had, Trouble-on-legs wants to be in there and directing it. After proving that in actual fact he does own a mobile (much to my amazement), our alien goes to annoy Mayor Margaret Blaine.
He only has to say his name and people start jumping out of windows. Although, in most cases, people would be jumping out of windows to him rather then away from him. Barging past the Random-secretary-dude, Big Ears jumps out of the window in hot pursuit. He realises that secretary-person will slow him down, so calls for back-up on the mobile-phone-that-until-today-we-were-unaware-that-he-owned. However, all of his back-up run into problems (in Ricky's case literally).
Rose uses her running-through-crowds-while-running-for-my-life skills to barge past some extras. Jack does a flashy hurdle over a random trolley, whose only point in the show is to be hurdled over. And Ricky? Runs straight into someone.
Anyhow, they converge. And after some yelling at Mickey-the-idiot and some fun with the sonic screwdriver all five of them return to the site of the conference.
Last Time Lord's not fooled by the power plant, he knows it's evil. Sparrow explains that if it melted, the entire planet would …
Make a noise like a milkshake being drunk with a straw? Maybe he means that it would be sucked up a straw? Maybe not. Our alien flips over the pan-dimensional gargle blaster (an upgraded version of the pan-galactic one), I mean surfboard and gives it to Noddy as his new toy.
'I would've gotten away with it!' says Margaret. And you can just hear how much the writers wanted to turn that line into: 'I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids and your dumb dog! I mean, TARDIS!'
The Doctor understands all languages, so gets that Blaidd Drwg (although it's Welsh, so pronounced more like 'Blythe Droog') means Bad Wolf. Oh no, the words are following them! What the heck does that mean? Haunting music is played in the background as our Time Lord assumes a troubled expression. You can tell he's been rehearsing that one in the mirror. Where does that music come from? It's like their own invisible orchestra.
Margaret completely kills the mood of Rose pronouncing her home planet right by dwelling on her imminent death.
Later in the 'Trouble-on-legs And Rose Dance In Space' (Thank you Tulzdavampslayer and your many reviews, simply fantastic!) she has a conversion, falls down on her knees and prays: 'Hail the great god that is the Doctor! Worship He who owns the TARDIS!' and generally tries to appear harmless. So harmless that she shouldn't be going to die. Beware of the vicious guilt-attack! Rose and Ricky can't take any more of being brutally assaulted (by guilt) so run off.
If you were about to be taken back to your home and executed, of course you'd want a foreign meal out with your captor. Yeah, right. Of course not, you'd be trying to escape! (Although, if your captor was the Doctor, maybe not). So they're totally not going to buy that one, right? Err…wrong. Using some pretty bracelets, Trouble-on-legs takes Margaret Blaine (cough Slitheen! cough) out to tea. This is NOT a date!
Although, if you look at it, there are three 'couples' at this point: Rose & Ricky, Slitheen & Trouble and Noddy & the TARDIS. Now, who do you feel the most sorry for out of the six? Personally, I'd say the Doctor.
Once inside the restaurant, our alien proves to us that he's perfectly aware his captive's trying to get away. To do that, she has to dispose of him first. But he's not that easy to 'dispose' of, as countless weekly villains have found out to their cost.
When she tries the oldest trick in the book of 'quick distraction and poison in the wine' he knows because he's got eyes in the back of his head. Or, as I keep trying to point out, is psychic and can read her mind. Next, he shows he's got Jedi reflexes and you can never underestimate the power of minty breath-freshener.
Rose reminisces. Ricky tells her that he's two-timing and she doesn't take it too badly…at first.
Now back to some nice dinner conversation. Or not. The topic is: how gorily can she describe her forth-coming death back on Raxi- (I'll stop there). Once Blonfellfotch aka Slitheen-dudess has exhausted the possibilities of running, arguing, guilt-attacking, poisoning, normal attacking and horrifying Big Ears into letting her go, she tries begging (coupled with a bit of insulting). He's not even listening; because he can he's needed to save the world.
Again.
The BBC do like their CGI, don't they? The world is being sucked up an intergalactic straw and guess what's slap-bang in the middle of it?
The 'Terrible And Resentful Device, It's Stubborn' (Thanks loads fobofish92! I know you've given me a few and I do try and put them in!).
Rose makes good her escape from Ricky and runs across a nastily CGI-ed street to the blue box.
Where she promptly gets strangled. Now, if only I could remove my arm with that effect, teachers'd never bully me again!
As all evil villains do, Blonfellfotch reveals her evil, master plan of world domination/destruction (delete as appropriate) before it's fully implemented. I tell you, the urge to stop and gloat has been the downfall of so many evil baddies it's unbelievable. One thing: when I take over the world, I will NOT monologue.
Trouble-on-legs decides to stop this with a little help from something he's getting quite possessive over. (I nearly expected him to say: My Presssssious!).
HIS 'Thinks A Red Dalek Is Scary' (thanks Jade Kirk, I appreciate them!). Using it, he hypnotises Margaret.
'Look into the light… you know you want to.'
'It's sooo be-you-tiful!'
She collapses and to save the world from the rift, they go into complete shutdown. Hah! She's an (Easter) egg! Strangely enough, they all say this about twice each before they get over their amusement.
Naturally, Sparrow and Rose pester the Time Lord to find out what the light was. He says something along the lines of:
'It's aliiiiiiive! BWA-HA-HA-HAAA!' Err..no, more poetic-y, like:
'The soul of the TARDIS,'. Which is actually Gallifreyen for:
'I haven't the froggiest idea.'
Mickey's run off. Nobody could care less, especially not me. Off they go to Rrrrr-
Raxxx-
Raxii-
Raxicore- Oh dear.
Raxikoracofallapatorius. Or at least, that's what I think it is.
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Summary of the Synopsis: They save the world, but parts of both Cardiff and the TARDIS get blown up in the process.
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Fine, done.
Next week we may find out what the heck is up with all the 'Bad Wolf' references.
Next time: The Doctor is called to the Diary Room, Rose is the Weakest Link, Jack gets a make-over and…
The Daleks want to join in.
Now, I will put the Doctor's master class on hypnotism to good use. You will look deeply into the computer screen, you will move your mouse, click on the button marked 'Go!' and you WILL give me a nice review!
(Does puppy eyes) Won't you?