- Chapter 4: The Rhetoric of Failure -
Cold.
So damn cold.
Why the hell is it so damn cold?
Who the hell cares, you jerk. Haruhi is gone, and that's all you can waste your time complaining about? Then screw you. You deserve to freeze your butt off here.
Hell, you deserve it anyway. How long have you been just sitting here? Mishima said he made sure Koizumi wouldn't show up, so Koizumi's almost certainly in danger. Nagato and Miss Asahina likely are, too. And once Mishima gets Sasaki to use Haruhi's powers the way he wants her to, everyone is in danger. Mom and Dad. Little sis. Kunikida. Taniguchi. Tsuruya. Mr. Okabe. Everyone, okay? You're letting them all die. What would Haruhi say if she saw you now?
Haruhi is dead, you stupid jerk. Because you didn't protect her. What did Koizumi say? "It's always the prince's role to save the princess when she's imprisoned in thorns. Not just his role – his duty." Well, you failed in your duty big time. Even that time, you couldn't save her; she saved you, by making that Celestial catch you. All you could do was die with her.
And this time, you couldn't even do that. They killed her and it was as if you weren't even there.
No, wait. It's even more pathetic than that. They killed her because you brought her to Goro Mishima. If you'd just gone to meet Sasaki and her boyfriend on your own, without any stupid scheming, you'd have found out ahead of time that she was going out with Mishima, and you and Koizumi could have worked out that problem without putting Haruhi in danger. You could have just gone home and hung out with Haruhi there, like you told her you were going to do.
And while we're at it, let's examine your motives for that stupid scheme, shall we? You were going to make Haruhi stop being jealous by having her meet with Sasaki and her boyfriend? Because of course Haruhi must be so jealous of a girl that neither of you have seen in months. And of course there's no chance that Haruhi, the mind-reader and master of intuition, could possibly figure out that you're up to something. Even you aren't stupid enough to believe that.
I think Haruhi asked the right question: What the hell is wrong with you? You spent weeks scrambling to keep Haruhi from running into Sasaki, from even hearing Sasaki's name mentioned, so why did you suddenly think it was a great idea to have them bump into each other? Were things going a little too good between you and Haruhi? Did Koizumi frighten you with his talk of calling her by a pet name like "Haru" and buying her dinner?
Damn it! Has Koizumi been playing me all along? Using reverse psychology to make me get nervous and defensive and screw things up with Haruhi, so that he could move in on her? No, that doesn't matter now. I can't blame Koizumi for my not having the nerve to face the dangers of a relationship with Haruhi.
Haruhi's dead because you were too much of a coward to let her know your real feelings. I hope you're happy.
What I am is cold. Freezing cold.
Wait. Why is it so freezing cold? This is September. The weather should be blistering hot right now, or at least uncomfortably warm.
Finally emerging from my safe little cocoon of self-pity and self-recrimination, I lifted my head and opened my eyes.
I was no longer in the same house I was in when I closed my eyes.
Oh, the basic layout was the same, but I was no longer looking at centuries-old architecture and furnishings. And while the original mansion looked abandoned, this place was emphatically falling apart. In most places the floor was just plywood boards, and in some places it was nothing at all, with holes through which I could see through to the room below. Had Mishima altered the world already?
No, no need to jump to that conclusion yet. Kuyoh Suoh said she had this mansion under her data jurisdiction. That means she probably altered its data to make it look like just the sort of place Haruhi couldn't resist investigating. Once they... completed their plan, the mansion probably went back to its normal post-modern dilapidation.
Wait a second. I can see all this... by the early morning sun trickling in. How? I couldn't have been sitting there just wallowing for that long.
I didn't like that particular inconsistency. Still, it would be premature to draw conclusions. I needed to get out and investigate further. If Haruhi were here, she'd be kicking my butt to get me on task.
I carefully picked my way downstairs. Besides the holes, carefully testing some of the plywood bridges revealed they were not likely to support my weight. I'd have to be careful not to let anyone see me coming out of this place; it had obviously been condemned or something.
Oh, screw it. Either my family and friends are in huge danger, in which case I don't have time to be careful, or Mishima has already used Sasaki to send the world to hell in a handbasket, in which case, who cares about anything?
I burst my way through the front door and got a look around.
The world seemed the same. Apart from the rising sun, and the freezing cold wind that felt like the first bitter gusts of winter, the only thing I could see that appeared different was the mansion. Then again, I didn't know this neighborhood, so there might be a multitude of differences that I just didn't recognize.
It occurred to me that my first step should be getting in touch with the rest of the SOS Brigade. I had to assume Koizumi had been compromised somehow; as usual, Nagato was my best bet. I got out my phone and called.
Nothing.
I don't just mean no answer. The phone didn't ring. It didn't go straight to voice mail. Nothing. I had to check the phone's display to confirm that I'd actually placed a call.
Maybe they'd got all of the SOS Brigade. Luckily, we had a few reliable people who weren't actually in the group. Some of them I didn't have phone numbers for, but there was always Tsuruya. I pulled her up in my contacts.
Nothing. Again, no ringing, no voice mail.
I was starting to get a sinking feeling. It got worse when I noticed the time displayed on my phone. 7:42 p.m. Either Mishima had done something to royally screw up my phone, or... I didn't want to think about any of the alternatives.
I was really freezing now. This was early winter weather and all I had was my school uniform. I thought quickly. Assuming nothing bad had happened to them, the rest of the SOS Brigade were in school now. They were still my best hope of putting this right. I turned my steps back towards North High.
When I got to North High, there were still students trickling in. I decided to head to Koizumi's class. If he was there, he'd be able to explain what was going on better than Nagato or Miss Asahina could. If not, maybe there'd be some word of what had happened to him.
As I walked through the halls, someone called, "Hey, Kyon!"
It was pretty close to the last person I'd expect to call for me, and not very high up on the list of people who might be able to help me, either: The Computer Research Society President. But I turned around, and...
And there, just five or so meters away, walking down the hall in my direction, was myself.
"What do you want?" the other me demanded of the Computer President.
"I just wanted to thank you, for arranging that duel with the SOS Brigade. We are very happy to have our computer back."
By this time I was seasoned enough in time travel that my reaction was instinctive. I couldn't allow me to see myself, and I definitely couldn't allow anyone to see me in two places at once. I turned back around and darted for the nearest corner. As my luck would have it, though, there was another student right in my way. It was too late to stop myself from colliding with him, even if I could afford to stop. And that was when I got my next unpleasant shock in a day full of them.
As I said, I couldn't stop myself from colliding with him. All the same, I didn't collide with him. I just went right through him, as if he had no more substance than a cloud.
Or as if I had no more substance than a cloud. I dashed through another student, and the same thing happened. They didn't even seem to notice it. Or my exclamation of surprise. "H-huh?"
I was like a ghost to them. No visibility, no audibility, no substance.
"Why thank me?" The other me was still talking to the Computer President. "I helped take it from you in the first place, remember?"
"Only because you were following Miss Suzumiya's orders at the time. I understand you and her had a falling out."
What?
"I don't know why that happened, and I know it's none of my business, but I have a feeling you're too much of an honorable person to serve under her regime for long." The president clenched his fist. "That must be why you tried to set things right, by enabling our contest with the SOS Brigade, even if it meant you'd have to interact with her again. I realize it must have been awkward to do that. So, thank you."
"You're welcome," Other-me said blandly. "Now excuse me, but I have to get to class."
The Computer Pres gave Other-me a slightly perplexed look, then headed off on his own way with a shrug.
What's going on here? I'm not surprised that the world has been altered – that was part of Mishima's plan. But why would he alter it so that Haruhi is alive again?
Haruhi… is alive again. That thought settled in my mind.
I needed to see her. Even if she couldn't see me, I just had to see her walking and breathing and ranting and living again.
I dashed past Other-me into Classroom 1-5. I was still invisible and intangible to everyone, so it was easy to just go through everyone and beat him to class. And in there, I saw my next unpleasant shock. Arguably the worst yet.
Haruhi was in her usual seat. She was slumped forward face down on her desk, but she was definitely alive, and that was a change worth cheering about. But I was too distracted by the presence of another student: Ryoko Asakura.
My breath caught in my throat. It was like some mad repeat of Nagato's alteration of the world last December, right down to half the class being absent and most of the others wearing face masks. Haruhi, Asakura, and Other-me were almost the only ones not wearing them. The only two differences were, Haruhi hadn't disappeared, and Asakura wasn't at Haruhi's desk. She was at the same desk she'd been at before she moved to Canada.
Come to think of it, even the weather was cold like it was on that day. Had Mishima sent me back in time in addition to altering the world? I guess that was one way of keeping me from interfering with his manipulation of Sasaki. But then, if he wasn't going to use me as a hostage to force Sasaki's compliance, why not just kill me? What could he possibly want me alive for?
The next shock I received almost made me faint with terror. Asakura had been looking over a textbook, but she suddenly raised her head, turned, looked directly at me, and smiled.
That smile could kill a kitten, skin it, and sell its fur to a child molester.
The notion that she could actually see me in my present ghost form was thankfully dispelled a moment later. "There you are, Kyon," she said. "I was afraid you'd be late again."
"Sorry to worry you," Other-me said. "I didn't sleep well last night."
"You poor thing." She tilted her head at him. "Shall I come over tonight and see if I can help you sleep better?"
What the -
"Gyah!" The other me leapt towards Asakura, slapping his hands on her desk and leaning towards her. "Damn it, Asakura. People can very easily misinterpret remarks like that."
"So what if they do?" she said with a coy giggle. "Isn't that the sort of thing you boys like boasting about among yourselves? Or is there someone in particular you're afraid might react badly to hearing about the two of us getting... intimate?"
"That's not the point. We haven't gotten intimate yet, and even if we had, what happens between us is no one else's business."
My mind felt ready to bust open. This was insane. I couldn't possibly have that sort of relationship with Ryoko Asakura. Not even Haruhi's power could make something so sick and disgusting happen.
And speaking of "someone in particular" who might get upset by Asakura's remark, Haruhi was still just sitting there face down on her desk. I strode over and stood over her. "Damn it, Haruhi, where is your temper when I need it?" I exploded. "I'd rather endure a hundred angry rants from you than watch myself making time with Asakura in any universe. Get over there and beat me within an inch of my life for being perverted enough to have whatever relationship it is I have with Asakura here! Damn it."
Haruhi didn't hear me. Maybe she didn't even hear Asakura. Still, she had to be aware of what was going on between us. Why didn't she do something about it?
Something was wrong with her. Very wrong. I could tell just by looking at her. Being face down at her desk was bad enough, but there was something else, something too subtle to put my finger on, but I could feel it. It was like looking at one of those "spot the difference" puzzles.
Other-me must have finished up his... talk... with Asakura while I was ranting at Haruhi, because he came and sat down at desk, still in front of Haruhi. As soon as he did, she lifted her head just enough for her eyes to glare at him menacingly over her arms. "Traitor," she said.
I felt a rush of relief. So there was still life in my demanding classmate. Her recriminating voice was the best balm I could ask for in my current situation. She was the one person I could count on to deliver a more scathing rebuke for my revolting behavior with Asakura than I could come up with.
"What nonsense are you spouting out now?" Other-me returned, his voice so cold that the thought that that was what I sound like made me shudder.
"The computer duel, Kyon, the duel! Have you lost so many brain cells that you've already forgotten it?"
The computer duel? THAT takes precedence over his canoodling with Asakura? ...What am I saying? This is Haruhi. Of course it takes precedence.
"All I did was pass along the invitation. You didn't have to accept it."
"Ugh, you are so impossibly dense. Of course you were supposed to pass along the invitation. Why wouldn't I want you to do that?" She stabbed Other-me in the back with her mechanical pencil, hard enough to make him yelp. "But you were supposed to fight along with us in the duel!"
"Touch me with that thing again and I swear I'll tell Mr. Okabe."
"We would have won if you had fought with us! If you hadn't betrayed the SOS Brigade!"
"Do I really have to spell it out for you? Yeah, I guess you really are stupid enough that I have to." Other-me turned in his seat to look Haruhi in the eye. "I'm not in the SOS Brigade. I haven't been in the SOS Brigade for weeks. And the only way I will even consider coming back to the SOS Brigade is if you apologize to me and Miss Asahina."
"A-a-apologize?" Haruhi spat out, her face now glowing red in some weird, unholy mix of mortification, rejection, and fury. "What am I supposed to apologize for?! You're the one who should be apologizing!"
Other-me gave a weary, resigned sigh and turned back towards the front of the class.
"You abandoned the SOS Brigade in their hour of need! You stood by while our greatest enemies took away our prize computer!"
By now there were several other students looking our way, but Other-me just continued to ignore Haruhi.
"I have nothing to apologize for! Nothing!" Her face contorted, and I thought – impossible as it was – that I saw tears fighting their way out.
Before the outcome of that fight could become clear, Haruhi shot up from her desk and stormed out of the classroom. Two girls talking to each other, oblivious to the altercation between Haruhi and Other-me, had the misfortune of being in the way. One of them was shoved to the floor.
Asakura got up from her desk, a concerned look on her face, and followed after Haruhi. "I'll go see what's wrong with her."
Yeah, like you care.
What is going on here, anyway? Why did Other-me leave the SOS Brigade? He said Haruhi should apologize to him and Miss Asahina, but for what? What did Haruhi do in this world that was so horrible?
Mind you, I only wanted to know out of curiosity. As horrendous as Haruhi's behavior could be, she had her limits. There was no way she could have done anything that was as horrible as her being dead.
As that thought fell through my head, it knocked something loose. Something that sent a chill through me.
Was that the reason why Mishima altered the world so that Haruhi is alive again? Because he knew that I wouldn't do anything to change the world back if it meant going from a world where Haruhi is alive to one where she's dead?