Title: Daytime Drama

Pairing: House/General Hospital

Rating: T (some language, implied sex, alcohol and gambling-nothing you don't see on your stories)

Word Count: 4,999

Spoilers: House-Through No Reason, General Hospital-Through 25 August, 2006

Author's Notes: Don't know where it came from. But here it is. ConCrit appreciated as I'm new to writing in this fandom.
-There's a lot of references in here that I will be thrilled to see other people get. I tried to avoid the tumble into Douglas Coupland-esque hyper-meta territory.
-The amount of ownership I claim to these characters and locations is equivalent to the amount of my student loans that I have paid off. (That is to say-none.)

Summary: There's been a tear in the space/time continuum. House has a plan to do with all of this. A plan at least as cunning as a fox just hired as Head of the Department of Cunning at Princeton Plainsboro Cunning Hospital.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PART 1-In which things are amiss

The hospital seemed busier than usual. As he stepped into the elevator, a nurse stopped the door.

She was hot in an approachable way , flat stomach, light brown hair, perfect make-up. He tried to read her name tag, "Elizabeth"-something. "I'm sorry, I have to get to the 7th floor right away. Do you mind waiting for the next elevator?" She was clearly on edge.

House wasn't the least bit interested in what had upset her, but he was in any rush to get to his office either. "I can ride," he said.

He stepped out of the elevator after the agitated nurse, for no reason other than he didn't remember ever having a need to visit this floor. She stopped at the desk and whispered something to the attendant. He looked at the white walls and stained wood doors. A far more traditional hospital atmosphere than the rest of PPTH. House stopped to look at his surroundings. Two doctors in scrubs, a man and a woman, turned the corner. They were arguing about a patient, the petite woman stopped in the hall and turned toward the ridiculously attractive man. Her frustration showed in her brown eyes.

"Doctor, if you're going to insist on being a jerk I'm going to leave."

"Dr. Scorpio, you need to reconsider your definition of jerk. I consider my actions to be those of a responsible medical professional."

The young man was almost interesting. He'd never seen him around the hospital before, but he looked familiar. He watched as the pair, he reckoned they were a couple, continued down the hall. He made a note to find out more about the cocky young doctor, maybe invite him for a quick game of foosball if Wilson was busy some night. Let him in on the fact that there was only room for one glorious bastard in this hospital.

It was then that it struck him. The elevator doors gave away what should've been clear when he first saw the nurse in the elevator. A fact that should have been as subtle as anaphylaxis when he'd come face-to-face with the young Dr. Scorpio. He'd entered one of those weird time-shifts that happen all the time on science fiction shows, he wasn't at Princeton-Plainsboro. This was General Hospital.

"Cool," he smiled, put his weight on his cane, and tried to decide what to do first. So many hot, willing, young women to ogle. So many crooked lawyers and drug dealing teenage homewreckers to manipulate for extra pills. Finally, the chance to follow his dream of working in the "coffee business" and put hits out on his enemies.

"House!" Hearing his name probably should've surprised him. Wilson was walking through the throng of scrubs. "Do you have any idea what's going on?"

He thought about this briefly, "I'm going to Kelly's for a burger and a milkshake. Care to join me?"

"Try to think about something other than food," he followed the other man's stare, his eyes landing on the perky backside of a young nurse, "or sex. Cuddy's furious. She tried to go to her office today and found Alan Quartermaine sitting at her desk. Of course, she didn't know that's who it was until I told her. The fact that I knew that will not be going in my proudest moments file."

"Cuddy's here?" He wondered how long it would take him to get on Sonny's good side. He'd like to send some muscle her way, a little friendly persuasion regarding all those clinic hours.

Wilson tilted his head back and covered his face with his hands. "Everyone's here," he rubbed his eyes and dragged his fingers down his face. He moved like someone in deep, psychic torment.

"Really? Makes it pretty crowded doesn't it?"

"Oddly enough, no. Even with all the extra people roaming around we still only have enough trained people to adequately staff a relatively slow ER. And we have extra floors."

House nodded. "Of course we do, General Hospital has at least 10 floors."

"This doesn't seem to bother you at all."

"Don't you see all the fun we can have?. Every lie and blackmail-we've watched it unfold day after day. With all that on our side a nightclub and hot new mistresses are ours! If you play your cards right your next wife might be one of the lovely ladies of Port Charles." House turned and made his way to the elevator, punching the down button with the end of his cane. "Now, are you in for the burger at Kelly's? Maybe a trip down to the docks, catch a little gang warfare?"

That was a temptation,. He was hungry. No, this was wrong, and something had to be done. They couldn't just let the hospital continue to be overrun with fictional characters. "Cuddy sent me to find you, she thinks you should get some input from your team."

They stepped into the elevator. "Is my office still where it's supposed to be? Or did it move to the vacant penthouse in Sonny's building?" His eyes had been growing brighter with each moment. That level of happiness on House was discomforting.

Wilson realized more than food, he needed a drink. That would be excellent right now, a drink and a nap. But the way things were going he was afraid where he might wake up. He mind drifted with the possibilities, "The fog was where I wanted to be last night…" he thought.

"A ghost inside of a ghost," he said out loud.

"What?" asked House. The elevator came to a stop.

They stepped off the elevator into the familiar territory of PPTH. Wilson shook his head, " Maybe we're all crazy."

"We're very sorry about the inconvenience, sir. I promise you that as soon as we locate your doctor she will be informed that you're here for your appointment." A receptionist was attempting to quell the ire of daytime television's favorite mob boss. Wilson tried to walk away but House stopped him with a well placed cane. House held his index finger to his mouth and shook his head. Wilson didn't have the energy to fight. They stopped and watched the scene.

"Listen to me, I've contributed a lot of money over the years, but I'm going to seriously rethink my future charitable donations if the board continues to run the hospital like this.:"

The receptionist was having a very bad day. "I understand sir, but I don't believe we have a psychiatrist named Winters on staff. We have a Winters in radiology."

"Did I ask for a radiologist?" Sonny ran his fingers through his dark hair. He had that well known look of a man readying to throw something , or shoot someone. "What the hell part of the hospital is this anyway? Whose bright idea was it to replace the walls with glass?"

"Not good for escaping shoot outs," House whispered. Wilson smiled but quickly thought better of the action and turned his attention to the floor. Too late, Sonny had noticed them and was walking their way.

"You work here don't you, Dr—" he looked at the nametag, "Wilson. Could you please direct me to Dr. Lainey Winters' office?"

"Sonny, Mr. Corinthos, there's something you need to hear." House turned and headed down the hall. He limped a couple of feet forward, stopping when he realized he was the only one moving. "Wilson, bring our new friend, we can talk in my office."

"Who are you?" asked one progressively pissed off mobster.

"Less talking, more following," he resumed the trip down the hall.

"Come on, he's right, you do need to hear this," Wilson sounded reassuring. Sonny didn't look convinced, but against his better judgement he followed them.

The rest of the team were in the conference room. "I don't care how you try to spin it, this has 'House' written all over it," said Foreman.

Chase was balancing on the back two legs of his chair.. "Are you saying House somehow managed to create a dimensional shift?" He tapped a pen against his mouth and smirked. "Come on, he's not Doctor Who."

Cameron had nothing to say, she'd been quiet since she'd stopped in the cafeteria this morning and run into Dr. Noah Drake. She sighed, "He just looks so sad, and empty…"

Foreman had had enough of this, "Cameron, I know you can't resist a damaged middle-aged doctor when you meet one, but we have a problem and I would like to see it dealt with."

House, Wilson and Sonny walked into the room. "What are you doing in here? You have a prime opportunity to have hot, meaningless sex with people that probably aren't even on drugs and you're waiting for me. You're embarrassments. Shoo!" He rapped Chase's chair with his cane and put himself into Cameron's line of sight. He snapped his fingers, "Cameron, go smother Dr. Drake with empathy. Chase, track down Carly and see if she jumps into bed with anyone that knows all the lyrics to 'Waltzing Matilda."

"That's the mother of my children you're talking about," Sonny bristled.

"And I quote, 'You're cheap and trashy.'" He turned on his cane and faced the opposite direction, pitching his voice into a bad imitation of a woman's, "'Maybe you like cheap and trashy.' It's why every man in town has slept with her, it's a major selling point."

"How the hell do you know that?"

"I'm getting there. Come on kids, go play with your imaginary counterparts. Have a caper!"

Chase took the pen from his mouth, "We have counterparts?"

"Of course you do! Cameron and Emily Quartermaine can be saintly and too good to be interesting together-"

Sonny was getting angrier every time House spoke, "That's my ex-girlfriend you're talking about!"

Wilson put his hands on Sonny's shoulders, he was afraid the mobster was armed and House didn't need to get shot again. "He isn't trying to be insulting, it just kind of--happens--with him."

"If you're going to get upset every time I mention someone you've slept with, this isn't going to go well." House reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out the bottle of Vicodin. He swallowed a pill and turned toward Foreman, "You, should go look up Ric Lansing." Without giving Sonny a chance to speak he cast a look in his direction, "Yes, he's your psycho brother that gas lighted you into a nervous breakdown and the step-father to your daughter, I know…I know."

"Are you calling me psycho?" Wilson moved in for the block. "What the hell! I am not going along with this! House, this is insane."

He smacked his cane against the whiteboard, causing it to swing backward into a 45 degree angle. "Out!" The team exited the conference room. They didn't look too happy. But they were in a hospital, some of which looked familiar. It was only the random doctors, lawyers and mobsters roaming the halls that made this different than any other…No, there was no rationalization that would make whatever was going on anything but weird.

"I suppose you want me to go tell Alexis she's going to die," Wilson pinched the bridge of his nose as he spoke.

"My dear Dr. Wilson, you can comfort the dying later, we're going to enjoy ourselves."

"I'm calling Jason," said Sonny. "I'd explain who that is, but you seem to know everything about my life so I won't bother."

House nodded, "You should do that. Or better yet, tell him to meet us at Luke's. We'll have a few drinks and I'll tell you everything I know."

"I have no idea who you are, I'm pretty sure I don't like you, why should I trust you?" He turned to Wilson, "Why should I do anything he says?"

That's just the kind of question he hated answering, it never reflected well on either of them. "He's fun?"

"Exactly! And how much fun do you usually have? Hell, how much fun do we usually have? Wilson, what was the last fun thing we did?"

He thought about the question, "Well, it wasn't poker night, that pretty much sucked…and your near death did nothing for me…didn't we leer at Cuddy recently? That's always pleasant."

House smiled, a genuine smile, not a smirk or a scowl. "Speaking of Cuddy, we should bring her along."

"Why?" asked Wilson.

"Who's Cuddy?"

"She's our boss, a regular cut-throat, dragon lady that never cared about anything but her career. You know the type. Lay on the charm, catch her at a weak moment, and she'll compromise her entire belief system and sleep with you."

"That does happen to me a lot…All right, let me call Jason and we can go to Luke's so you can explain this. I'll call one of my men for a car."

House walked to the door, "You two stay here, I'm going to go get Cuddy."

"You're actually going to take her with us?" Wilson sounded more than a little surprised.

"To not would be to miss a golden opportunity. You two stay here. I'll be back." He left the office and continued down the hall.

Cuddy's day had not improved since she'd discovered her position had been usurped by a Quartermaine. She had given up fighting for her office and decided to try to sort out the continuing drama going on in the clinic. It'd been two hours since she'd caught a teenager stealing Hydrocodone from the pharmacy. The girl identified herself as Maxie Jones, Commissioner Scorpio's daughter.

"There is no one named Scorpio in the phonebook, much less in a position of power in this town. This is trouble you can't talk yourself out of, so don't even waste your breath." The girl had cried, explained she was in love with an addict and she only wanted him to not be in pain. She offered to tell everything if she could avoid getting in trouble. "A thief and snitch, charming. I'm still not interested. We're going to sit here and wait for the police."

"Cuddy!" House knocked on the door of Exam Room 1 as he spoke.

She got up and opened the door. "A little busy in here, I caught someone stealing codeine this morning."

"Maxie Jones?"

"How did you know that? I run this place and I've never heard of her and you knew she was stealing drugs?" Her mouth dropped and her eyes grew wide and angry. "Stay here," she said to the person in the exam room. She spoke in a whisper full of vitriol and disgust. "She's stealing them for you. This is low, House, this is lower than I thought even you would go. How old is she, 18? She says she's in love with you! This is sickening!"

He rolled his eyes, "Oh come on! I have Wilson to write fake prescriptions for me. I don't need a piece of barely legal ass to get my drugs. She's getting them for a cop." He held his hand up before she could speak, "He's trying to get clean. Turning her in will only ruin his career. Let her go, we have things to do."

"How do you know all this?"

"All those years you thought I was avoiding my clinic hours? I was doing research. Now, let the girl go, we're meeting people for drinks."

"It's one in the afternoon," the argument sounded far too weak to pursue, "Oh, what the hell." She opened the exam room door, "Get out of here."

Maxie's face was streaked with tears and mascara, "Really? I can go?"

"Don't come back, if you ever had a job here you don't anymore."

The teenager gathered her things and made haste toward the door.