Chapter 10

Teyla stands beside Ronon as Beckett comes into the Daedalus observation room. Sheppard and Rodney already returned to the city to inform Dr. Weir of what happened. Ronon refused to leave as long as Alessa was in surgery.

"She's stable now," Beckett says solemnly. "It was a difficult beginning…so much blood loss. Her heart couldn't… but we did get her back. And she's a healthy woman …I don't see any reason she won't make a full recovery."

"How long will…?" Teyla asks.

"The abdominal wound was severe. The weapon went in at an odd angle." He raises questioning eyes to Ronon. "Was she bent over when it happened?"

"I…I didn't... She was behind me…"

"Aye. Well, it nicked the intestines and punctured another organ—"

Ronon's about to speak but Beckett holds up a hand. "Not an essential…well, not…" his eyes drop and he rubs his neck. "The intestines will be fine. Cleaned her up inside good as new, plus introduce a broad spectrum antibiotic to stave off possible infection, though I don't foresee that being a problem. The other… well…we did our best to repair it, but only time will tell."

"Her shoulder you mean?" Ronon asks.

"No…um… that's been taken care of as well. A clean cut but deep. It needed many stitches." He crosses his arms. "How did that—"

Ronon hangs his head. "I did it."

Teyla steps forward. "A necessary field decision." She explains about the Wraith transmitter and the doctor nods.

"I'm glad she had you there son. If it'd been me… I would've wanted you to do the same." He exhales heavily. "Recovery will be difficult… she'll need time to get back on her feet, of course."

"Can I see her?"

"We've beamed her into the infirmary already. She's still unconscious and will be for a while yet. Perhaps you should get some rest now that we're back."

Ronon shakes his head, taking a step closer to Beckett. "I need to see her."

He sighs, nodding. "Very well."

O-o-O-o-O

Ronon holds her hand as he sits by her side in the infirmary. She's in the bed closest to Beckett's office, though curtains surround the bed for privacy.

Ronon was beamed directly to the infirmary with Beckett nearly two hours ago. Teyla chose to go to the control tower and check in with Dr. Weir and Sheppard. Ronon's first impression of Alessa post-surgery was that she looked dead. Her skin was unbelievably pale – though less so than on the Daedalus – and he couldn't tell if she was breathing. Beckett assured him she was. The doctor checked the monitor next to the bed and the bag of clear fluid hanging above before patting Alessa's hand and nodding to Ronon, leaving them alone.

Both Dr. Weir and Sheppard stopped in to check, but neither stayed long. Dr. Weir is kind enough to wait until tomorrow for the debriefing. Sheppard had something to do with that. He gave Ronon a sympathetic look and a pat on the back as he left. Ronon's sure the colonel finally realizes how important Alessa has become to the former runner.

Ronon didn't tell anyone about what happened in the shower. But he knows it wasn't a simple fantasy. He and Alessa are connected on every level now. Her spirit came to him, sought him out when…

But she's alive. And she loves him. Nothing will separate them again.

"Ronon?" Her voice is a scratchy whisper of itself but he hears it clearly, having waited hours for that sound.

He brings her hand up and lightly brushes his lips across her fingers. "Alessa."

Her eyes are open but glassy, rolling around as if she can't focus. "Whe…where…?" She winces and her free hand goes to her throat. During Beckett's last visit he brought a cup of ice chips and had Ronon place some on her tongue and rub them on her lips every so often, explaining about the tube that had been in her throat during surgery. Obviously the minimal liquid she's permitted has not eased the discomfort.

Ronon places a finger over her mouth, keeping her from talking and he again slips a small chip onto her tongue. The gleam in her half-closed eyes is full of gratitude. "You had surgery. Do you remember being injured?" Her eyes close but she nods slightly. "Are you in pain?" She nods again and Ronon calls to the nurse beyond the curtain.

He turns back, still holding her hand and feels a definite squeeze from her fingers. She's watching him through those half-lids. The smile, when it comes, is tired and weak but unbelievably beautiful. "You saved me," she whispers, not even trying to use her voice.

"Dr. Beckett did."

Alessa sighs, her fingers tighten around his weakly. "No…" her gaze holds his hostage. "You did." Then her eyes close for a few long breaths.

Ronon thinks she's fallen asleep until he feels her thumb gently rubbing the back of his hand. He moves closer, caressing her cheek with his other hand and she leans into his touch. "Do you remember…everything?" She smiles, her eyes opening.

"There she is," Beckett says as he parts the curtain and comes in. He looks to Ronon. "I need to examine Dr. D'Angelos and then she'll need her rest."

"I'll wait outside."

"No," Beckett says firmly. "You'll wait until tomorrow… in the afternoon."

"But—"

"I told you. She needs her rest."

Ronon can already feel Alessa slipping away, her thumb has stopped moving and the pressure of her fingers around his grows limp with exhaustion. Ronon leans over and kisses her forehead, a motion that does not go unnoticed by Beckett – his eyes widen. Ronon whispers in her ear. "I love you. I will be back."

Alessa sighs, still smiling, but her eyes are closed. "Okay."

As Ronon starts to leave, he glances back at Beckett. "Will she know… about what happened?"

Beckett's eyes narrow in question. "Oh… dying, you mean?" He whispers the response, probably not wanting to use such a word around her. "Very doubtful. There's the possibility she'll have lost several minutes of memory… even of the attack. It's a chemical reaction in the brain, the short term information doesn't have the opportunity to create lasting images."

Ronon shakes his head. "I mean during the time she was… gone. Will she know…"

Beckett seems intrigued by the idea but he shakes his head. "Many people report out-of-body experiences… going toward a light of some kind. Or an overwhelming feeling of peace… but most retain no knowledge of the event. We'll have to wait and see."

"Who died?" The hoarse whisper comes from the bed and both men look to her. Alessa's eyes are open again, though clouded and weary. She winces from pain and her hand goes to her belly.

Beckett takes her hand and squeezes it. "No one, lass. Everyone is alive and well. Including you. Now, this should take the pain away momentarily." He pulls a syringe from his pocket and plunges it into the tube leading to her arm. "And I need to examine you." He turns back to Ronon. "Tomorrow… afternoon would be reasonable. But not for long."

Ronon nods. Alessa smiles at him, her eyes closing with the weight of the drugs. "See ya," she sighs.

O-o-O-o-O

Ronon lies belly down to the ground behind the DHD with McKay. He checks for possible ambush, seeing nothing, but staying alert. He's covering the annoying scientist as he tries to fix the damaged controller.

Three days ago, while Ronon and the rest were at the ruins, Atlantis Team 5 went on a simple meet and greet mission to M3E-202 only to miss their check in time. It turns out they were attacked and captured by the locals. Sheppard, feeling responsible for Sgt. Leah Riley – and her team, of course – in what Ronon believes is the Colonel's weakness for pretty red-headed females, insisted that AT-1 take the rescue mission. Dr. Weir agreed.

Getting onto the planet yesterday was easy, though they couldn't take a jumper. Finding the captured team and rescuing them today was less easy but extremely entertaining given the amount of fighting Ronon was able to do without having to worry about not hurting his opponents. Getting back to the gate seemed like a piece of pie… until the darts coated with some kind of immobilizing drug started flying through the tall grass and trees.

Teyla was struck in the thigh and her right leg went out on her instantly. Sheppard got hit in the left arm, so at least he could still fire his P-90. They remained in the woods with the wounded and still drugged AT-5 members while McKay and Ronon advanced to open the Stargate. Unfortunately, the villagers had managed to beat them to the DHD and dismantle it somehow. From Riley's report, the locals trap travelers and keep them for sacrifices… and feasts.

And here Ronon thought the Wraith were the worst thing to happen to humans. "No, humans are the worst thing to happen to humans," Sheppard groused earlier as they stumbled through the woods.

McKay swears he can fix the DHD, but he's been saying that for nearly thirty minutes. Ronon's given up grumbling about wanting to get back to Atlantis and see Alessa. Since they left yesterday before first light, he missed his chance to visit her in the infirmary. He's been itching to hold her hand again.

He burns to kiss her again.

Finally, the gate opens. "Sheppard," Ronon calls over the radio and they all head home.

Ronon rushes to the infirmary. He's muddy and sweaty but doesn't want to take the time to shower before letting her know how much he's missed her. He parts the curtain and sees her eyes closed, he hangs his head and sighs.

"Go away," she says, obviously not asleep.

"Alessa?"

Her eyes open and she stares at him. He can see she's been crying recently and it tugs at his heart. He takes her hand but she slips it out of his grasp. "Ronon. Sorry. Thought you were Dr. Beckett." She smiles but there's really nothing behind it, no happiness at seeing him, none of the emotion of the last one. "You need a bath, young man."

He glances at his clothes and nods. "Wanted to see you first."

"See away. I'm good." Her voice is hollow, cold even. "I don't suggest taking a picture. I'm not that photogenic."

"What has happened?"

"What do you mean?"

"You've been crying."

She shrugs only to wince. "I'm a baby when it comes to needles." She rolls her eyes as if impatient with him. "You should get cleaned up."

Ronon sits in his usual chair. "Not until you tell me what has upset you."

"Nothing. I'm fine." He knows she's lying because she refuses to look at him.

"Did I do something wrong? I didn't mean to be gone for so long… we got—"

She laughs harshly only to wince and clutch her belly. "God damn! That hurts." She sighs. "Hate to break it to you, Ronon… but I kinda didn't even notice. Sorry. Had other things… my own things to deal with. You know… internal injuries and all."

Disturbed and hurt by her coldness, Ronon hangs his head. The silence is beyond awkward, something they've never had between them. He gets up and paces the short area. Out of the corner of his eye, he glimpses a brown book on the floor and picks it up.

"Leave it!"

"It's your journal." He hands it to her only to have her throw it a moment later, a growl of fury and pain following.

"Get out!"

"What is wrong?"

She closes her eyes and sighs, pain flashing over her features. "I want to be alone."

"Alessa—"

"No! Ronon." Her gaze latches onto his and there's so much pain in her eyes he has to look away. "I won't be needing your services anymore. You can go back to your normal… just leave me alone."

"That's enough," Beckett says coming in. "Ronon. She wants you to leave."

"We have to talk."

Alessa turns away from him. "Just go."

Ronon's about to protest but the warning in Beckett's eyes gives him pause. He follows the doctor out of the curtained area. "What is wrong?"

"It's been a difficult couple of days."

"Why? What's happened?"

"She didn't take the news of her injuries very well… There will be scar tissue… internally. And a high probability of…" he seems about to say more but restrains himself. "It disturbed her… the scarring."

"You said she would be well."

"Aye. She will be." His eyes take on a sadness. "It's… it will not be life-threatening. She will be fine." Beckett crosses his arms. "Something else also upset her, however. Dr. Weir brought her journal… it seems she didn't get to finish before—"

"The Wraith attack. I know."

"Aye. The lass is… She can't remember something vital to finding the ZPM."

Ronon shrugs. "So we go back when she's healed. She will find…"

Beckett shakes his head. "It will be several weeks… possibly a month or so before she's permitted off-world again. And if you know Dr. D'Angelos as well as I believe you do…" his brows rise and there's a hint of understanding in his eyes. He rests a hand on Ronon's shoulder. "Come by tomorrow. I'm sure the lass will be happy to see you first thing."

O-o-O-o-O

Beckett was wrong. The next day, Alessa refused to see Ronon. In fact, she refused to see him for the next week and a half. Beckett was always polite, but firm when keeping Ronon from the curtained area. It was up to Alessa and she made it quite clear she didn't want visitors.

Ronon's sitting in the mess when he overhears McKay talking to Dr. Weir about Alessa being released to her quarters. Apparently both of them have spoken to her quite a bit over the past week trying to jog her memory for the ZPM information.

Losing his appetite, Ronon stalks out of the mess hall and makes his way to Alessa's quarters. He knows she's in there because she's just been released and will need several more weeks of medical attention until she gets her strength back. Aside from the fact that he can hear her moving around inside. He knocks but doesn't answer when she asks who it is. He waits for her to open the door.

"Ronon," she gasps.

"What have I done wrong?"

She shakes her head, backing up to sit on her bed. "Nothing."

"Then why did you refuse to see me all this time."

Alessa licks her lips before biting hard on the bottom one. She drops her gaze to her hands clasped in her lap. "I…I didn't want to see anyone."

"Including doctors Weir and McKay?"

She shakes her head. "They came to see me. I didn't have a choice."

"But with me…" he remembers the journal, how angry she was about it. "You blame me."

Her eyes hit his, wide and questioning. "What?"

"Because I didn't get you something to write on. In the cave. You believe it is my fault."

"No… No. I don't." Her gaze drops again. "It's no one's fault… expect my stupid… useless brain." Another head shake. "It'll be fine. I'll go back in a couple of months…"

"Then why? Why avoid me?"

She gets up then, carefully, her hand going to her belly. She moves in small measured steps, obviously battling pain, but she's putting distance between them, going toward the bathroom. "I'm not avoiding you," she says softly. "I… I just don't… you don't need to be my bodyguard is all."

Ronon abandons the doorway and comes up close behind her. Close enough for her to feel his presence even though he makes no attempt to touch her. "I'm more than that."

She turns, glancing at him quickly before dropping her eyes. "No… that's where you're wrong."

Ronon takes a step back. "What?"

Her free hand flutters to her forehead and she closes her eyes. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound so harsh… It's just that…" she sighs, looking at him with those sad eyes he remembers all too well. "We're friends, Ronon. We can't be more than that. And in the infirmary… the way you looked at me…"

It's as if she's taken his gun and shot a hole into his chest, blowing his heart away, leaving him hollow. "I… I don't… I love you, Alessa."

She takes a deep breath and it shudders through her. "Please don't say that."

Ronon grabs her by the upper arms and she winces. He relaxes his hold only slightly. "Tell me you don't love me." When she doesn't look at him, he gently lifts her chin so that their eyes lock. "You came to me… you died and came to me."

Her eyes narrow with confusion. "What?"

How could he tell her without making her think he is insane? "On the Daedalus. I was cleaning up. You were in surgery. You came to me… during the time when you were dead on the table."

She shakes it off. "Ronon—"

"You said you were afraid to love me. Is that why you're saying these things? There's no reason to be afraid. I love you, Alessa. We are bonded… spirit to spirit."

She tries to pull out of his grasp, but he holds her firm. "Let me go."

"Not until you tell me."

"I already have. We have no future together. Just get that through your thick skull." This time she looks right into his eyes. "I can't be what you need. I'm sorry." There are tears in her eyes, sadness, but also something else. Something that makes Ronon's stomach twist and flip.

She's telling the truth.

Ronon releases her, turns and leaves. The door shuts behind him and he leans against the wall for support. How is he supposed to go on? How can he walk away?

Anger swells in the place his heart used to be. How can she turn him away so easily? Toss his love aside as if it means nothing. He was willing to give his life for her and she rejects him without a care. Sure he saw the sadness in her eyes, but what good is that for? She lied to him… her spirit lied to him.

Or did it. When she visited him in death she told him she was afraid to love him… she never told him she does love him.

"You're a fool, Dex!" he says out loud. "She could never love you."

As the anger turns to rage against himself, Ronon could hear a gasp of pain come from inside her quarters. He's tempted to go back inside and help, but instead turns away and stomps down the corridor, clicking on his headset as he goes. "Medical emergency in Dr. D'Angelos' quarters," he says coolly.

And he doesn't look back.