Chapter 12

Ronon finds Dr. Beckett as expected, in his infirmary office. He leans against the door frame, crossing his arms. The doctor raises his gaze up from the computer and locks it onto Ronon; there's heat in it. "Bringing me more injured soldiers?"

He hangs his head, shaking it. "Sorry about that."

"Not me you should be apologizing to now is it." Beckett returns his attention to the laptop.

The silence is thick with anger. Ronon ignores it. If he has any chance of getting through to Alessa, he's going to need Beckett's help. From hearing Alessa talk, Beckett's not only a good man but a close friend. Probably the one person who knows her better than anyone. "How is Dr. D'Angelos?"

Beckett stops working on his computer and stares at Ronon for a long while, as if he's trying to read the ex-runner's mind. "Not too well, I'm afraid."

Ronon steps into the office. "Has something happened?"

"Nothing specific. She's not healing as quickly as I'd hoped. I mean, her sutures are removed and the wounds are on schedule…"

"What then?"

"The poor lass has no energy. She's locked herself away in her quarters like a hermit. She needs exercise – walking at the very least – to get her strength back up, but…"

"I don't understand."

Beckett shakes his head. "She's depressed, son. I can't tell you more than that without breaking patient privilege." He tilts his head, considering Ronon. "Maybe you can help me. Has she said anything?"

"Why ask me?"

"Well… you two… I mean, I know how close she feels to you…"

Ronon drops his gaze to the floor. "She doesn't feel close to me, doctor. She doesn't feel anything for me."

"Bloody hell she doesn't!" His outburst snaps Ronon's head back up and the two men lock eyes. "She's head over heels for you, son." Beckett's out of his seat in a shot. "Did you do something? Say something to hurt her—"

"Never! I…" Ronon takes a deep breath. "She told me we can't be together."

Beckett's confused. "She what?"

Ronon exhales heavily. He hasn't said the words to anyone else. But if he wants Beckett's help, he's going to have to make his intentions clear. "I told her I love her." Beckett's mouth opens and closes like a dying fish. Ronon shrugs. "She said we don't have a future…" he shakes his head sadly. "She doesn't want me. I was hoping you might…"

His face pales and his eyes widen. "When was this?"

"The day she was released to her quarters."

Beckett slaps his forehead then runs his hand through his short hair. "Good Lord." He sighs, shaking his head. "The day you called for the medical emergency."

Ronon's ashamed he didn't try to help her, but he couldn't face her after that. "Was it bad?"

Beckett shakes his head. "No emergency. I got to her quarters and she was sitting on the floor… crying. I thought she was in pain…" He looks at Ronon again. "But it wasn't physical, now was it." He stares hard at the man. "You truly love her?"

"With all my heart. We… there's something… we belong together." Ronon doesn't know any other way to explain how connected he feels to Alessa so he tells the doctor about the shower visit. "I don't believe it was a dream."

"Aye. I've heard stories of visitations… not as intimate as yours, I must say. I can understand you'd want it to be…"

"It was real. It is real." Ronon hugs himself. "She didn't believe either. But I know it happened. I know she came to me. We are meant to be together… always."

There's a warning in Beckett's look. "No matter what?" Ronon raises his brows in question and Beckett continues. "Is there anything that would keep you from being with her… any reason you can think of that would make you stop loving her?"

"If she doesn't love me then I'll have no choice."

"No other reason?"

"What possible reason could there be?"

Beckett bites his bottom lip. He's close to telling Ronon something. Something he's probably not supposed to tell anyone. Sheppard explained about the doctor-patient confidentiality. Ronon understands the need for privacy in such matters. But if there is something wrong with Alessa, Ronon wants to know. He has to know. He will be with her no matter what, for as long as he can. He steps further into the office, hovering over the smaller man. "What is wrong with her?"

Beckett waves a hand, turning and pacing in his small office. "It's…"

"Is it because she's never been with a man before?" Ronon blurts out.

Beckett spins on him. "She told you?"

"She did not have to. Males clearly make her nervous in a specific manner. And they do not realize it, but she has an effect on them as well."

"You mean the accidents?"

"Because they do not see her. She is a non-entity… I have learned much about Earth customs and interactions between the men and women. Watching Sheppard has been very educational."

"Col. Sheppard? Ah, yes…" Beckett shakes his head. "I still don't understand how you knew about Alessa. I don't see her as any different from other women here."

"But you do see her. She is more to you because you are friends. Perhaps it is my heritage. Females unknown to man on Sateda were … easily recognized. Coveted. But also protected. It was always the woman who chose when and with whom to mate. Females determine the future of life. If a male was chosen by an untouched female… the purity of heart and soul was passed onto such a man. It was… it is a blessing."

Beckett's wide eyes sparkle with interest. "And this is how you know about Alessa? You saw it in her?"

"Yes. Perhaps that is why she relaxed around me rather quickly."

A soft smile of understanding spreads across the doctor's face. "Only you?"

"Well, Kavanaugh does not have the effect on her… except to make her tense with anger."

"He has that effect on most people. But her reaction to you is very interesting." He looks at Ronon again. "I believe you are the first man to really understand her. To see her."

"Aside from you."

"I've known her for years, Ronon. It took a long time for Alessa to open up to me. But I saw the effect she has on you early on. I was hoping she would be receptive…" He shakes his head again. "She's been alone so long. Because of her age, and her lack of experience with romance, I knew it would make it more difficult for her to believe…" he stops. "She's afraid, Ronon. Afraid now more than ever."

"Why?"

"It's because of the injuries." He bites his lip again. "She doesn't believe she has anything to offer you."

"She's the only one I want."

"Have you looked in a mirror lately, lad? A woman like Alessa… she has no sense of her own self worth… physically speaking. She's a brilliant woman and she knows this… accepts it.

"I don't pretend to know the standards out in the Pegasus Galaxy when it comes to attraction, but on Earth… it can be a rather harsh place. Difficult to find someone who doesn't judge by appearance alone. She can't understand how a man… any man, but especially one who looks like you, could be attracted to her. Let alone fall in love with her."

"But she's beautiful—"

"Aye. Inside and out. But she doesn't believe that. And I'm sorry to say, she may never. She's been conditioned, you see. Told too many times throughout her life by others she trusted that she only has her mind, that she isn't special otherwise. She feels she has to be able to give something more… and she may not be able to do that… now."

Ronon shakes his head. "More?" He's at a loss. "I don't understand. Does she love me?"

"Aye. I believe she does. Before the surgery…she said some things. Ramblings really. I didn't have the time to listen but I've heard such things before. From Sheppard actually. He's been close to dying on occasion if you haven't noticed. Whenever he's weakest he calls for… her."

Ronon's curiosity about Sheppard's mysterious love is over-shadowed by the thumping of his own heart. The man who knows Alessa better than she knows herself believes she loves Ronon. "She only needs to give me her heart, Carson." Using the man's first name may be an intrusion, but he feels closer to the doctor than ever before. They are becoming confidantes. But he still needs him to open up, reveal what he doesn't want to tell. Break that oath so that Ronon has a chance to win Alessa over. "What is she afraid of now? Please… I must know."

Beckett paces for several minutes, alternately rubbing his hands together or over his neck. He crosses and uncrosses his arms. With a heavy sigh, he yanks open a drawer in his desk and pulls out a bottle. He uncaps it and takes a gulp before returning it to the drawer. "You must understand how… I can't…"

"Tell me."

He rubs his eyes, refusing to look at Ronon as he speaks. His voice is quiet, almost a whisper. Revealing this information is possibly the hardest thing the doctor has ever done. And yet, he must know it is for the best, otherwise he would not. "The puncture wound… the other organ injured … was her womb." Finally he looks up at Ronon with weary eyes. "There's a possibility… even a probability that…"

Ronon's heart flutters with pain. Not for him, but for Alessa. This is why she pushed him away. This is the reason behind her belief they have no future. "She won't have children…?"

"I can't be what you need." She believes he needs a family… off-spring. And the thought of not being able to give him such a gift…

It must have broken her spirit.

Ronon rests a hand on the doctor's shoulder. "Thank you."

"If she knows I told you…"

"That will not happen. She will admit it to me herself."

Beckett shakes his head. "I highly doubt that, son. You must have seen by now she keeps thing inside. Locked away."

Ronon raises his brows. "If I am strong enough… I can break through."

"Are you?" Beckett's eyes narrow. "Are you willing to risk not having a family?"

"I have lived my life fighting the Wraith. There are no guarantees about tomorrow. Only today matters. Alessa needs to understand this. My happiness is from what her heart can give me, not her body." Though, he does plan on making sure she understands what kinds of pleasure he can incite in her body. She has been alone and Ronon is going to make her understand why.

She's been waiting for him.

And she has him. All of him.

Now all he has to do is convince her of this.