- A Bad Dream -
He woke with an awful taste in his mouth and eyes crusted over with dried tears. His body seemed dull and heavy and…and…
Wait a minute. He knew where he was – this part was far too familiar. He knew he was lying on the familiar bed in Atlantis' infirmary. He was in Beckett's sanctuary; he shouldn't be feeling so totally like crap.
He heard quiet conversation and figured he could ask for some help and maybe find out why he felt so lousy if he was already under Carson's care.
"Eyes," he said, and then regretted saying as the pain in his throat hinted at recent intubation. Or worse. "Can't see," he blinked rapidly, new tears coming to his eyes and making the world about him a strange kaleidoscope of colors and shapes. "Carson?" he asked plaintively, not seeing his friend and physician but knowing that he would not be far away and that he would be able to make things better.
"Colonel?" Carson asked, the Scottish burr an immediate balm to the ailing scientist.
Damn. John was there. That wasn't good. Not good at all. That meant something bad had happened. Sheppard was hardly speaking to him these days, let alone caring about him. And he definitely wasn't touching him. Yep, Rodney McKay had totally blown that, in addition to blowing up a solar system. No more touching – John Sheppard's apparent punishment for what he'd done on Duranda. No, the hand resting comfortingly on his arm had to be Carson's; John wouldn't be caught dead that close to him. Not now.
He couldn't see, but he could hear. Water running. And then he felt something wet and cold and a little coarse plopped roughly on his hand. He jumped, startled by the cold cloth. He could feel what it was now, and the truth of how it was thoughtlessly tossed gave him a chill; the coldness of the Air Force man and his actions doing something that the damp chill of the rag had not.
"Allow me to help you, Dr. McKay."
Teyla. It was Teyla whose hand helped settle his fear. He eased back into the pillow slightly, though the edge to her voice told him something. In fact, he could picture her chastising their team leader with just a look, eyebrow raised in condemnation.
Good.
He felt the cloth, tentative and gentle, carefully removing the hard chunks from his eyes, aware that rubbing too hard could cause more pain. When she was finished, McKay could finally see the full cast of characters in his midst.
Carson was eyeing what must have been his chart, conferring with a nurse, hopefully figuring out something to make him feel better.
Teyla stood closest to the bed, a worried smile on her face. Seeing her, looking upset, made him feel…well, he wasn't sure exactly what he should feel. But he was grateful to have someone who was so ready and willing to forgive him, despite how little he might deserve that forgiveness.
Ronon half-sat on a gurney near the door. He nodded at Rodney as the physicist caught his eye and…waved. Was that a wave? And a smile? McKay smiled back hesitantly, and tried to wave, though he found his arms seemed to have that heavy feeling that the rest of his body had upon his awakening.
He saw the last member of the cast, Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard, standing near the sink, looking grim. That wasn't new these days; it was an altogether familiar expression whenever he saw Sheppard anymore. John had kept his distance since Arcturus, and had little to say to Rodney since then. And the immediate adoption of that grim look whenever the chief of science entered the room left nothing to the imagination for the rest of the Atlantis staff: everyone knew how John felt about Rodney these days.
Oh. And definitely no touching. How much better it would have been if they had just remained teammates. Colleagues. This, what had become of "them" – this was exactly why Rodney McKay never let people in. It was safer to keep that distance, he had known that, had learned the hard way that lesson. But he'd eased that rule during the Atlantis expedition. And he had let some close; some closer than others. But it was time to reinstate that rule. It was safer on the psyche. Safer on the heart.
Rodney turned his head away from John. That problem was old news now, or at best a continuing downward spiral of a work in progress. He needed to deal with this new and more urgent problem.
"What happened?" he asked, followed quickly by a scratchy, "Ow."
"Don't talk," Carson instructed. "Good to have you back with us, Rodney," Beckett said as he came close to the bed.
"What…" Rodney started again, but he stopped, frowned, and then looked up to Carson with pleading big, blue eyes.
"He said to not talk, McKay. When will you ever learn to follow orders?"
Sheppard. And a pissed off Sheppard. Rodney must have done something really bad this time, but he remembered nothing, nothing since stepping foot through the Stargate. But what had been their mission, and what had put Rodney McKay in an infirmary bed with Colonel Sheppard yelling at him?
"Colonel!" Teyla demanded, her anger at John more than obvious.
"Colonel Sheppard? Teyla, Ronon?" Dr. Carson Beckett asked. "If you would please give me some time with Rodney…I need to do some tests, and I would like for him to take it easy for the next while. No distractions," he said, staring at Sheppard. "Nothing to upset him." The unstated 'Your presence upsets him' was still perfectly clear to the Air Force officer.
"Right," Rodney started defiantly. "Ow. Carson?" McKay pleaded pathetically, though with little voice left.
"Rodney, please stay quiet."
"Good luck, Doc," John commented derisively.
"Colonel Sheppard, you are not helping. Please leave," Carson added, disappointed in the behavior of the leader of Atlantis' premiere off-world team.
"No." Rodney again tried to speak. He held his hand to his throat and forced out painfully, "What happened?" The patient grew more agitated as he grew more alert.
"We'll get to that later, Rodney. Please calm down. Colonel?" Carson commanded, the one word all that was needed to convey the physician's displeasure and desire to remove Sheppard from the area.
John raised his hands in compliance and said, "I'm leaving."
"Carson, damn it, I need to know wh…" the sentence was finished by the ailing man but not heard as Rodney's voice gave out and the pain of the attempt overwhelmed the physicist. He leaned over on his side, more tears streamed down his face as he grabbed for his throat with both hands, knowing that nothing he did on the outside would soothe the burn on the inside.
Sheppard stormed back in. "You wanna know what happened, McKay?" John was towering over Rodney's bed, his anger making him appear far larger than his normal bearing ever seemed. McKay pushed back into the pillow at Sheppard's venom.
"You, once again, didn't follow orders. And because of that, you nearly got us killed!"
"Sheppard!" Ronon yelled.
"What?" the colonel countered, turning his wrath on the former runner.
"Colonel Sheppard, I believe that we are late for our debriefing with Dr. Weir," Teyla said calmly, though her own anger at her team leader's reaction was felt by all in the room.
John started to leave, but Ronon stepped in front, stopping any forward movement.
"He saved your life. He saved all of us. What is your problem?" Ronon pressed his finger to Sheppard's chest through every word of the query.
Sheppard stepped up, face-to-face with the Satedan, and said in a low growl, "Get out of my way."
"John, what…" Rodney began, but the hurried attempt to ask again what had happened forced more tears and an abrupt halt to the talking, followed by the sound of gagging.
"Rodney, relax," Carson said as he placed one hand comfortingly on Rodney's shoulder and held the physicist's head to the pillow with the other. He looked directly into his patient's eyes and said, "I'm going to give you a mild sedative. Very mild. I need you to relax, but I need you with me to perform a proper exam. Do you understand?"
McKay nodded, choosing to not speak again, for now. Not in John's presence, certainly.
"We'll talk in a moment, Rodney," Carson said, patting McKay's arm lightly. He turned to address John Sheppard. "Get out. Now."
"That's where I was headed. Out," Sheppard replied, still seething.
Beckett was suddenly in John's face, pushing him toward the door. Under his breath, and in order to not upset his patient, Carson said, "It seems to me, Colonel, that you are more interested in goading Rodney, or in making him feel like crap, than you are in leaving. If Ronon here is telling the truth, and you can still act in this manner, that says more about you than I ever cared to know."
Sheppard and Beckett stared one another down, though Carson achieved an easy win this time. Sheppard lowered his eyes and turned to leave. Ronon stepped aside to allow him, indeed to show him, it seemed to Carson, the way out.
"Dr. Beckett, will Dr. McKay be all right?" Teyla asked.
Carson smiled affectionately at the pretty Athosian. "Give me some time with him, lass. He's awake and he's alert, and that's all good. I consider him in guarded condition now, no longer critical. Please give Elizabeth that update and tell her that I will be there within the hour."
"I will," she said, nodding her assent as well. She looked sadly at McKay, who was huddled on his side and looking toward them no more, and then she and Ronon left the infirmary.
Beckett shook his head sadly at what he'd just witnessed between his two friends and returned to his patient's bedside.
"How are you feeling now?" Carson asked in a gentle manner. This was how Rodney was able to tell, how he knew for certain that Sheppard was reacting to something other than what happened on the other side of the gate. Sheppard's reaction was the same type of thing that Rodney had been dealing with from John for quite some time. It was the reaction of the rest of his team and Carson - their concern. Their concern and comfort seemed real and deserved. John's behavior continued to seem like a dream, a terrible, horrible weeks-old dream.
Rodney rubbed the tears from his face with a shaky hand as he asked, in a breathy whisper, because his throat really, really hurt too much to speak, "What happened?"
Carson shook his head and grinned sadly at his friend, knowing that he would not get Rodney McKay to truly relax without giving him the information he asked so pleadingly to know. He pulled up a chair and told his ill friend all that he knew.
- A Conflicted Man -
"John, that doesn't make this Rodney's fault," Dr. Elizabeth Weir said calmly. Her even tone and diplomatic manner did nothing to soothe the colonel's ire. "I think it's time you and Rodney talked about what happened."
"Kate already tried that," Sheppard shot back.
"I know. And you turned her down. Did you know that Rodney's seeing her regularly again?"
"Really? Is this for real dating, or the fake kind like before?"
"That's not what I meant." Weir was using all of her well-honed diplomatic skills to keep from throttling the Air Force colonel.
"So what if he's seeing her again? I think we can all agree that McKay's a little messed up. He blew up most of a solar system," John added, as though that explained all about McKay's need for psychiatric care.
Elizabeth Weir sat forward in her chair. "I think that I can say, without the slightest doubt, that Rodney McKay has done everything in his power to make up for that terrible lapse. And he, despite the cold shoulder and decidedly unprofessional and disrespectful way that you continue to act and treat him, has continued to try to earn back your respect and your trust. What more do you want him to do? He saved your life and the lives of the rest of the team. What else does he need to do to satisfy you?"
John Sheppard leapt from his seat, the chair rolling far from the conference table. He slammed his hand down hard on the table, hard enough to hurt, though he refused to show it, and said firmly and with an emotion he had no way of controlling, "He can stop almost dying on me." He turned to leave and knocked hard into Carson Beckett. "Sorry," he mumbled as he charged from the room.
"What was that all about?" the chief medical officer asked as he looked toward where Sheppard had run to.
"I'm not sure," Elizabeth answered with a frown, "though I have an inkling." She looked at Carson and asked, "How's Rodney?"
"He's sleeping, but only with the help of a sedative and an extremely stressful confrontation with the colonel. He doesn't remember what happened, and he's very concerned about the colonel's reaction."
"As we all are," Teyla agreed quietly.
"Aye. Well, as for Rodney, he seems over the worst of the allergic reaction to whatever it was that he was coated with. Do we know anything about what it was? I'm not sure if the amnesia is from whatever this chemical was that he was exposed to, or…" Beckett paused, appearing uncomfortable expressing his other concern.
"Or what?" Ronon asked, his anxiety over the physicist's condition evident in his bearing and his quick question seeking enlightenment on McKay's situation.
"It could be that he's blocking it out, subconsciously. He's had a bit if a time of it lately, and the colonel's…reactions to him lately have exacerbated his, I can hardly believe that I am saying this about Rodney McKay, but Rodney's self-confidence has taken a beating during these last weeks."
"You think that he might subconsciously be repressing what happened in order to avoid acknowledging blame?" Elizabeth asked.
"He wasn't to blame," Ronon insisted.
"I understand, son, but the human mind is a very strange machine," Carson answered the imposing but clearly very worried newest member of Sheppard's team. He turned to address them all, "What more do we know about the substance?"
"As we explained to Dr. Weir, we believe it was a biological agent," Teyla patiently explained once again for Carson's benefit.
"We can send a team back to investigate further, Carson, if you deem it necessary and worth the risk," Elizabeth added.
"Let's hope that it won't be. For now, the information that we gathered from his soaked garments has led us to a proper treatment," Beckett answered. He seemed pleased to add, "it seems that Rodney is on the mend. I'd rather not risk anyone else being exposed to it if we don't have to."
Teyla continued. "Dr. McKay was reading something in the Ancient database that he found on the planet. He translated something that worried him greatly. He said it was a warning, and he demanded that we leave immediately. We knew from his urgency that we should go. He packed his bag, but the colonel yelled for him to leave it. Rodney knew that we were nearly out of time. He ran for the exit, some items falling from his open pack. Ronon and I left the complex first. We did not see what transpired next, but we could hear what was happening and what was being said. As Rodney neared the colonel, he yelled for Colonel Sheppard to go. We saw them close to the entrance. It appeared that Dr, McKay shoved the colonel out the door just as the room was filled with a misting of the chemical."
Ronon picked up the story. "Sheppard turned to go back and McKay stumbled into him. Just that quickly he was drenched in the stuff, and already having trouble breathing. If it hadn't been McKay, if we had brought some other scientist, which Sheppard has been hinting at for some time, we'd all be dead."
Carson and Elizabeth shared a knowing glance.
"Yes, John and I need to speak further about that," Elizabeth said firmly.
"About removing Dr. McKay from the team?" Teyla asked. "I believe that would be unwise."
"That's a kind way to put it," Ronon added.
"No. We need to speak about Colonel Sheppard's behavior of late." The two teammates seemed satisfied with that response. Weir turned to the chief physician. "Rodney is okay?"
"I think so. He is very sore from the combination of the intubation and the noxious nature of whatever that agent on the planet was. The lab is working to identify if it was any known alien chemical, agent or something otherwise toxic in the Ancient's database. Rodney was soaked in the stuff. He has two bruised ribs from Ronon carrying him, but he's hardly aware of that pain with the way his throat feels, his lethargy and his worrying. I believe the lethargy is a lingering side effect of whatever this chemical is."
Carson shook his head. Rodney McKay had really had quite the run of bad luck in the Pegasus Galaxy. It was a wonder he kept at it. It was amazing what he was willing to withstand in the name of science. But Carson reckoned there was something more keeping his friend on Atlantis and in such a far away galaxy than simple scientific curiosity or a potential Nobel Prize.
"Okay, thank you Carson. Teyla, Ronon. You all look tired. It's been a long," Elizabeth looked at her watch, "thirteen hours waiting for Rodney to come around. You should all get some rest."
"Aye. You as well," Carson said as they all went their separate ways.
- A Careful Reflection -
A hand on his shoulder stirred him awake. He looked up from his chair beside the infirmary bed; the look in the eyes of the owner of that hand said clearly that he was not welcome here. John stood from his seat next to Rodney McKay's prone form and followed Carson Beckett to the CMO's office.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, not in the manner of a friend. The question was delivered far more in the way of a protector. Rodney's protector.
"I wanted to make sure he was all right."
"Why?"
John was startled, and pissed off, at the question. "Why?" he parroted back. "What do you mean 'Why'?"
Carson shot back angrily, "It's a pretty drastic change in just a few hours, don't you think, Colonel? You were close to attacking him the last time you were together."
Sheppard was angry. He'd been angry for a long time now. He knew that he'd been an emotional wreck of late. And he was angry at himself for not having the mettle to handle things better. And Rodney. Rodney. This was just about as far from where he wanted their relationship to be as it could get. He had spent the last hours not resting, but thinking. Thinking about Arcturus. Thinking about the last time he'd met with Heightmeyer about Arcturus, about what he'd said and how he had stormed out. And had not returned. He'd been thinking about his team and their reactions to his actions of late. And he'd been thinking about Elizabeth and Carson and their disappointment in him and how he'd done such a shitty job of it lately.
His team was alive because of Rodney. He was alive because of Rodney. Rodney made things seem so alive. What had he been thinking, shunning the man so completely, blaming him for every single problem since those terrible events on Duranda, as though that one mistake meant McKay could not longer be trusted with his genius. As though that one mistake defined Rodney McKay more than all of the incredible and brilliant and just plain good things he had done before and since.
John Sheppard seriously needed to see a shrink.
No. He needed Rodney. He needed Rodney to understand why he had been acting the way he had been. He needed to explain himself, if he could. He needed to ask Rodney to forgive him. And, more than anything, he needed Rodney to accept his apology for all that had gone on these last weeks.
"I've had some time to think," he answered quietly.
"That must have hurt. Do you need anything to ease your pain?" Carson asked sarcastically. Beckett's own anger at Sheppard had not been the least bit alleviated by Sheppard's presence at Rodney's bedside.
"Ouch. I deserve that," John acknowledged. "The only thing that will ease my pain would be if Rodney will still be willing to let me back in."
"You've hurt him deeply. It seems a lot to ask. It would probably be easier on him if he simply cut the cord."
"I know. And I probably don't deserve his forgiveness."
"You're lucky that Rodney is the man that he is," Carson conceded, giving John some hope that he might have a chance to make things right.
"I am very lucky," John replied quietly, looking out toward Rodney's spot in the infirmary.
"He cares for you deeply, Colonel. But he needs your respect and your trust. It's what fuels him, at least in part, you know that. And this is not about stroking the man's ego. Rodney's really quite a bit more fragile than most people realize. His strength of character, and that enormous ego, can only sustain him for so long. Arrogance and ego aside, he's really very sensitive. These last few weeks have beaten him down far more than you have taken the time to realize."
John nodded his acceptance of his part in what his actions and behavior had cost Rodney McKay, and in turn all of Atlantis. And what it had cost himself.
He missed his friend…he missed his other half. Desperately.
Carson looked at the Air Force man carefully and saw nothing but regret and pain and hope. That was a start.
"He'll be asleep for at least another three or four hours. I would prefer that you get some rest before coming back to speak with him. It will do both of you a world of good." Carson stood and walked from his office, leaving John Sheppard alone with his thoughts, and went to check on his sleeping patient.
- Another Chance -
He woke with an awful taste in his mouth, tired, but his vision was clear this time. And though he ached, it was nothing like the terrible weight of pain and fear and worry of the last time. He had to pee, and he was thirsty, hungry, too. He looked right, where the table usually was, but found John Sheppard there in a chair instead. It was strange to see him at his bedside. It had been nearly two months since they'd spent any time together, alone, plus however long he'd been in the infirmary this time. He found the button and waited for a nurse or Carson to arrive.
Only moments passed before Carson Beckett showed up.
"Rodney. Are you all right?" he asked quietly, more for Rodney's sake than for any worry over waking the colonel. Sheppard had stayed away the minimum three hours that Carson had told him to, but he was clearly exhausted if he was still sleeping through this not-at-all whispered conversation.
"I guess." McKay started, wincing slightly at his still tender throat. Quieter and breathier, he said, "I need to pee."
"I'll get you a bed pan."
"No, Carson. I want to go to the bathroom." He looked at Sheppard. "I don't want…" He didn't want John to witness his weakness. He didn't want John there. Why was he there?
"He's been worried about you."
"That's not how I remember it," Rodney replied bitterly.
"Aye. You've been out of it a wee bit. Are you feeling dizzy? Weakness in your extremities? You could barely squeeze my hand the last time I checked. Do you remember what happened?"
"I think I'm okay, Carson. Yes, I remember what happened, though I guess the colonel remembers it differently." He glanced quickly at Sheppard, and then looked back to Carson with sad eyes. "I'm feeling a little lightheaded, but I'm hungry, I guess that's to be expected." Carson shone a light in Rodney's eyes, checked his pulse, asked him to squeeze his hand. These checks were all coming back to Rodney now. Carson pulled out his old-fashioned blood pressure cuff. "You know, the sooner I pee and get a drink, and something to eat, I'm sure I'll be feeling much better. This just seems like a waste of time."
"Humor the doc, Rodney."
Rodney stiffened. Sheppard hadn't called him by his first name without shouting it in a very long time. He wasn't sure what it meant. He had almost forgotten John was there. One thing was certain: he definitely wasn't ready for small talk.
"Is that an order?" McKay shot back without looking at his team leader. He turned back to Beckett and asked, "Can we go?"
"Let's get you up. Slowly, please." Rodney did take it slow. John started to rise from his chair but Carson caught his eye and shook his head 'no'. They made it to the bathroom and back without incident. Though Rodney still seemed a little weak, Beckett was glad to see the progress he'd made, which was significant. He had taken a sample of McKay's urine while Rodney relieved himself, and then Carson excused himself while he arranged for a nurse to draw some more blood and to arrange for a meal for his healing friend. He didn't want to leave Rodney and John alone, and he knew that Rodney didn't want that either. But they needed to talk, sooner or later. And as Rodney's doctor and his friend, Carson Beckett knew that sooner was better.
John waited for Rodney to get comfortable and for Carson to leave. He had just finalized in his head what he needed to say when Rodney asked, "Why are you here?"
McKay had never seen John Sheppard react that way before. The word "deflated" took on a whole new meaning as he watched John accept the meaning of Rodney's question.
"Carson asked me that earlier. I am so sorry about…I mean…I have acted…badly. I can't believe that I have been…I don't know." Sheppard put his head down, trying to find the words to explain himself, to explain why he had treated Rodney the way that he had. He looked up at McKay, his eyes showing a hint of wetness. "I'm really, truly, deeply sorry for how I treated you and for how things have been between us lately. People who love each other shouldn't treat each other like that." He paused briefly and then added, "I don't think I can handle it if I lose you."
Rodney looked at this man and could see the pain and regret in every movement, every word of the apology. He was so mad at John, and before this moment he could never have seen himself forgiving him. He definitely hadn't envisioned them ever getting back together again, soul mate or no soul mate. He had hurt, every minute of every day that Sheppard had ignored him, belittled him, disrespected him, begrudged him simple contact, denied their friendship, let alone the deeper relationship that had developed between them before those horrible events of Duranda. But McKay knew that when John spoke of "losing" him, it was not about their relationship that he spoke. It was about his life, and that John still cared about that surprising and heartwarming and had immediately placed Rodney at a disadvantage.
McKay was tired, and hungry, and at a distinct disadvantage, simply at having just woken from god knew how many hours of sleep. He hadn't been given any time at all to think about what was next. He should tell John that this was not fair, that they needed some time apart. That they could talk once he was released from Carson's care. That's what he should have said to John Sheppard. But while John spoke, Rodney's heart had been working against him. His heart told him that John was sincere, and that his rule needed to be bent in order to allow this man another chance. To allow him back in. He had only really learned to follow his heart since coming to Atlantis. And he had learned many, many times since arriving in the Pegasus Galaxy that bending the rules had often made the difference. Wasn't that how they had become 'one' in the first place. Could it happen for them again? Was there another chance?
So rather than ask for more time to think, and he was sure John would have given him that, he said instead, "Can we talk while I eat?"
The End.