Okay, I decided I'd continue.
Sorry it took me so long to update, but my computer is sort of screwed up.
Mocha Addict wanted me to write a prequel about number 10 on Jack's list, which was the guy in the deli who said he had to pay for his food. So I did.
I used Wikipedia for info about the video game, and I know it's not very reliable, so if there is something incorrect, please tell me. I just didn't feel like verifying it. Wikipedia has information, and even if it's not correct, it is information, and it is easy to find, and I like easy things. Life is easier that way.
Some of you don't bother reading disclaimers, but I suggest you read this one. Of course, if you're not reading these three sentences, then you won't know to read the disclaimer, in which case you won't. So I am putting in capital letters READ THE DISCLAIMER so you won't interrupt me and have no clue what is going on while I am in the middle of drafting my evil plans.
Disclaimer: Okay, so my Evil Plan to Take Over the World #47 was thwarted. It involved stealing an elephant from the zoo and traveling, by elephant, to South Africa, but I learned the hard way that elephants can swim, but not with a person on their back across the Atlantic Ocean. But I can tell #48 will be lucky. So anyway, I don't own anything YET!
The Guy in the Deli
Jack Bauer was playing one of his favorite video games, Turok: Dinosaur Hunter. There were many reasons why he liked it so much. For one, it had lots and lots of weapons. You could use normal stuff, like a knife, shot gun, bow and arrows, and assault rifles, and different weapons with weird names, like the chronoscepter, fusion cannon, and alien weapon. Plus, you could turn the blood on or off and change it different colors! But mostly, Jack Bauer liked this game because you killed lots of people, and being Jack Bauer, he had to kill lots of people in real life, too. It was all in the job description.
The Job Description:
Do you have what it takes to be super-cool, crime-fighting federal agent Jack Bauer? The answer is no. Because no one is cooler than Jack Bauer, and he already exists. There is no way you can take his place, because he never ages and never dies. Only Jack Bauer can fit the job requirements.
Requirements:
1. Must have a teenage daughter who is very stupid and is constantly kidnapped. Therefore, he must be overprotective of this daughter.
2. Must never listen to any rules or regulations set down or follow protocol.
3. Must have been in the military.
4. Must be trigger-happy.
6. Must not like the number 5.
7. Must be able to kill his boss, chop his partner's arm off, shoot his boss with a tranq gun, kill his girlfriend's husband, shoot the woman he used to love, torture people, withstand torture, and other similar circumstances all without a thought.
8. Must use the phrases, "Dammit!" "Sonofabitch!" "Holster your weapons!" "Where is my daughter?" "Who are you working for?" and "I need a name!" as much as possible.
9. Must for some reason be attracted to the most stupid women in existence.
10. Must hate Brad Hammond's guts.
11. Must accept people trying to arrest him because he breaks protocol. Even though he's always right.
Note: Jack Bauer can do anything he wants anytime he wants and if anyone gets in his way he can dispose of them in any way he chooses.
So Jack Bauer sat on his couch playing video games until he realized that he was hungry. He called the pizza place. He put in his order, but when the pizza guy asked for his name, he realized the truth.
"I know who you are! You're a Chinese spy, and you want to track me down and torture me for top secret government information! Well that won't work this time!" he yelled. Then he took out his gun and shot the phone. "Hmmph!"
But Jack Bauer was still hungry. So he ran outside and across the street to 'Gunther's Deli.' Of course, he only went in because 'Gunther's' has the word 'Gun' in it.
So he marched inside and yelled at the man at the register, "Give me a turkey club!" The man didn't move and just stared at him.
That was, of course, until Jack Bauer looked up at him with a manic glint in his eyes, so that you could see the whites of his eyes underneath the pupils the way they always portray bad guys in movies. Being Jack Bauer, this was ten times scarier then it would have looked if it had been a normal person.
"Yes, okay, of course," the man said hurriedly, and he bustled into a backroom and started chopping up turkey, slicing bread, and adding bacon, lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise before wrapping the sandwich in a fresh sheet of wax paper. Having something to do helped him avoid looking at this strange man who had just walked in, and helped him regain some of his shaken confidence.
"Here you go, sir. Will that be all?"
Jack just glared at him.
"That will be $7.47, please, sir," he said, faltering a bit at the look Jack Bauer gave to him.
According to Jack's job description, as you know, he doesn't have to do anything he didn't want to do. And he did not want to pay for his sandwich. After all, he was Jack Bauer!
But then Jack Bauer looked down and saw the little numbers on the cash register.
Little digital numbers.
Little digital yellow numbers.
And you know what that means…
Jack grabbed his sandwich, stuffed it in his mouth, and then tried to shout, "Where is the bomb?" but he couldn't, of course, because his mouth was full of his sandwich. So he settled for shooting an old grandma and her grandson before running as fast as he could out the door to catch the terrorists he knew where trying to kill him.
And, of all people, guess who he ran into? ME! Back then, I was attempting my ingenious Evil Plan to Take Over the World #46 (See Disclaimer, that I told you to read and now you know why so ha ha in your face).
So I was in the middle of this really awesome evil laugh that I perfected after 46 tries, even though it was actually 45 because I skipped EPtTOtW #5.
Yes, I said he ran into me? Well I meant literally. So, in the middle of this awesome evil laugh, Jack Bauer ran into me, and knocked me over, because he's Jack Bauer. He can do anything, remember? At least I hope you remember. If you don't, just kind of scroll up a little bit.
Since my plan involved looking upwards at exactly the right moment to use the special lasers installed in my contact lenses to crash a plane in the middle of Los Angeles, and Jack Bauer knocked me over at that exact right moment, I don't need to tell you what happened. To put it simply, the plan failed. But you already knew that, because you read the disclaimer.
But anyway, Jack Bauer kept running and drew his gun and shot a bunch of people. And no one around had guns, so they couldn't shoot him back, and even if they did have guns, they wouldn't shoot because they're not stupid, I mean come on, he is Jack Bauer. Unless of course they were stupid, and they did shoot, in which case they'd miss. Duh. First grade, here, people.
After about ten minutes of this, Jack realized that the terrorists were getting away and that he would need satellite coverage. So he called Chloe.
"Chloe, I'm going to need satellite surveillance and infrared and…"
"Jack, there's no terrorist threat today. Didn't the writers tell you? Each season is either 18 months or 3 years apart! And the last season was 6 months ago! Did you buy something again?"
In the end, everything was settled and Jack skipped happily back to his apartment. But then he realized that the guy in the deli never paid for trying to make him pay. So he swore to get revenge…
TBC hopefully! Only if you review.