1A/N - Whole chapter is a flashback in Mimi's POV

Chapter 5

Roger and Collins set me down on the table and covered me with a jacket. Collins stepped back, allowing Roger to be near me for what could have been our last time together.

Will you light my candle? I'm shivering. The jacket, it isn't warm enough. Hold me. I need your body heat. I tried to talk to Roger but my brain hadn't been working right in weeks. The cold was unbearable. A subconscious part of me wanted to feel the warm light and leave behind everything here.

I can't remember what was happening. I think Mark called 911. I couldn't see straight. I know Roger was sitting on the table. I can still smell his salty tears mixed with smoke and cheap soap. I think Maureen and Joanne found me in the park.

Roger started singing. I grabbed his jacket and tried to move my fingers to keep myself focused. I don't know why he couldn't look in my eyes. Roger's braver than me, he should be able to do this.

I knew I was dying. Someone should call Mama. Someone can have my apartment. I have to make sure some of my clothes get back to work. I have to pay back my dealer some debt. I have to see Mark's film. I want to see Maureen and Joanne find a place that will legally wed women. I want Collins to get his job back. I have to tell Benny that I'm sorry for everything I did.

I have to tell Roger that I love him.

I have to live, I thought as I began slipping away. It got warmer. Someone must have turned on the heat and the lights. It was so bright.

Hi Angel! Angel must have come into the loft to say goodbye to me.

I saw everyone crying. I can see straight now! Then I saw Roger. He was holding someone. It was me! Why can I see myself? I felt like I was standing on the fire escape watching Roger cry on my body.

He hasn't asked me to marry him yet! How did I get here? Why am I watching this? I have to go back.

I'm only 19. Did some powerful force want me to die. God, I tried to be a good kid, but ever since Papi died and Mama found another man, my life has been screwed up. I've been clean for 3 weeks, and that's what killed me, God! I'm just a kid .. I want to go back. I have to go back.

I cried out, but no one heard me. I hugged Angel, and she told me to go back to my friends. 'Honey, you've got a whole life to live. Turn around, and listen to that boy's song. He loves you. Go back, Mimi. Go back.'

I was freezing. What happened to the lights and the warm glow? The only muscle in my body I could move was my fingers. I tried to sit up and tell everyone that I was ok, and that they could stop being sad. I could only twitch my fingers, hoping someone would notice that I was moving.

'Mimi? Oh my God. OH MY GOD. SHE'S ALIVE!'

Some strength within me made me able to sit up.

'I was heading toward this warm, white light. And I swear. Angel was there. And she looked GOOOD. And she said. Turn around girlfriend. And listen to that boy's song.'

Maureen's put her warm and gentle hand on my forehead. 'Her fever's breaking.'

'You're drenched.'

I made it back to them. But not for long. I was still freezing. 'Roger, will you light my candle?' I grabbed him at his elbow and he winced. 'Don't touch me there.'

And then I collapsed again. 'Someone get a goddamned candle! HELP! Where's the fucking ambulance.'

It was too early to start celebrating. I was fading again.

'Joanne! Call 911 again! Where's the fucking ambulance? Mark, go out and get some soup and firewood, and blankets, lots of blankets.' Benny handed him a wad of money and sent him out the door.

It got warm again, and I was watching from the fire escape. Mark ran out the door. Maureen covered my body with blankets. Collins wiped the sweat off my face.

NO! I LOVE THEM! ANGEL TOLD ME NOT TO LEAVE YET! NOOOOO!

'NO!'

I opened my eyes, back inside my body again. I must've yelled out loud.

'She's holding on guys. Mimi. Hold on.' Roger grabbed my hand and I squeezed it tightly. I knew I was fading a third time, and maybe forever. I had to stay awake, away from the light. I sang raspily.

'I'd die without you. I'd die without you. I'd die without you. I'd die without you.'

I felt warm again, but not from the white light. Mark was putting blankets all over me. He pulled up a trashcan and lit a fire. Yes, I was getting much warmer. I could feel my feet. I began feeling that I was inside my thin, frail body. The pain and hunger swept over me like a tidal wave.

'I'm so hungry. Can we go to McDonalds? My back hurts. My legs hurt. I'm tired.'

'Mimi, hold on to me. Someone get her some food!'

After what seemed like seconds, I tasted something hot and salty pouring down my throat. Mark turned on a projector. Pictures of my friends were flashing on and off the wall. They were all here. I was warm, happy, and alive. I was alive. Angel sent me back.