Amazingly, the mission was blowing up in their faces. The simple, trusting, and non-technological people they were visiting had suddenly brandished energy weapons and handheld computers, and the team had been forced to flee into the surrounding woods.

"God, this is so familiar!" Rodney exclaimed bitterly, his back pressed against something that looked suspiciously like an oak.

Sheppard rolled his eyes. "I keep telling you, McKay - all planets are gonna have similar-looking trees."

"I'm not talking about the local flora, Colonel! I meant that I can't believe we fell for that fake-Amish routine all over again. You'd think we'd have spotted it this time out."

"Well, you were the one in charge of detecting hidden technology!"

"You're absolutely right. I should have paid more attention when the 'ray-gun hidden in woman's cleavage' message scrolled across the screen while I was scanning!"

"You got a message like that?" Ronon asked.

Ignoring him, Rodney frowned. "In fact, I wouldn't have expected to encounter this particular ruse ever again. I mean, what are the odds?"

Sheppard looked about to calculate them when a man dropped out of the tree Rodney was standing against, landing on his feet and pointing a large gun at the scientist's head. Rodney shrieked.

"Kolya!" Sheppard snarled.

"You didn't think disabling my strike team and trapping us in a hidden underground compartment on an alien planet after I'd threatened the lives of some of the natives would keep me down, did you, Colonel?" Kolya grinned evilly, throwing an arm around Rodney's neck and dragging him close, causing another shriek. "You're looking well, Dr. McKay."

"Wish I could say the same," Rodney stammered. "You know, something could probably be done with that scar…"

Kolya sneered and rubbed the scar against Rodney's face. Rodney shrieked yet again.

"Will ya please stop doing that!" Sheppard yelled.

"Well, excuse me if razor stubble irritates my sensitive skin! Besides, I can't seem to stop myself. It's the weirdest thing."

"Enough!" bellowed Kolya, and they all shut up, because when a bad guy bellows, "Enough!" it always means he's about to either kill someone or spout some detailed exposition that will come in handy later. For a brief moment, the only human sound was the oddly canine growling coming from deep in Ronon's throat.

Sheppard brought him to heel and rummaged around in his vest for a treat, then turned back to Kolya. "What do you want this time? I should tell you up front, we don't have any C-4 on us, and most of the worlds we visit these days save us some time by tacking up a 'No ZPM's here' sign right in front of the stargate. We also left Atlantis back in Atlantis, so we're fresh out of the stuff you're usually after."

Kolya laughed, an aggressively mirthless sound in Rodney's ear. "Not this time, Sheppard. What I want, I already have: your team."

Kolya tightened his arm a little for emphasis and Rodney squeaked. Next to Sheppard, Teyla shifted her weight while glaring wordlessly at Kolya. There was anger in the arch of her very active eyebrows.

"We never leave anyone behind!" Ronon shouted.

"What's that got to do with anything?" Rodney demanded.

"I just…well, I get to say sentences now," said Ronon. Seeing Teyla glaring at him, he gave her an apologetic little shrug.

"I'll tell you what you will do now, Sheppard." Kolya pulled Rodney so that he stood directly in front of him, making a much better shield than Elizabeth had, since Rodney was all man-shaped and everything. "You will drop your weapons and proceed with me to my base of operations."

"I don't think so," Sheppard said coldly, keeping his weapon trained on Kolya. Which, given Rodney's predicament, was less than comforting.

"You do realize that I'm in front of him, right?"

"I'm not aiming at you."

"Yes, well, thanks for that, but unless you've got some amazing new smart bullets in that gun, aiming at i him /i currently equals aiming at me! I mean, it's bad enough that we're repeating ourselves here. Do we also have to act stupid?"

Kolya sneered and positioned his head behind Rodney's. "He's right, Sheppard. You really don't have a choice this time. I know you value the lives of your team above everything, so if you want Dr. McKay to live, I suggest that you lower your weapon and—"

Sheppard swung the barrel of his handgun to his right and fired. The shot ricocheted off a tree and into Kolya's head. The former Genii commander crumpled lifelessly to the ground. Rodney shrieked, putting both hands to the back of his head and shrieking again when they touched blood and brain matter.

"Oh God, oh God! Am I hit? Am I dead? Somebody get me a towel!"

"You're fine!" Sheppard growled, grabbing his arm and tugging him roughly away from the body. "C'mon, we gotta find a place to hide. That shot will have given away our position."