"We are so dead, so completely and emphatically dead," Rodney told them as he hopped along. Ronon had fashioned a makeshift crutch so that he could walk to his certain doom under his own power. "You realize that I can't really help defend us if we get jumped, don't you? I can't use the P-90 properly with this stick in my way."

"You can't use the P-90 properly when there isn't a stick in your way," Sheppard said.

"That's not true! I've handled myself pretty well in combat a number of times." Rodney frowned. "It's just that sometimes, it seems like I forget how, or something."

"I've noticed that," said Ronon, glancing around for potential ambushers as they walked. "Sometimes you just deal with the bad situation, and other times, you panic and scream. Why is that?"

"Okay, this is the where we split up." Sheppard stopped, the other two flanking him. "Ronon, you take that direction. I'll head this way. And McKay—"

"Right, I'm the lamb-to-the-slaughter portion of the program. Have I fully conveyed the extent to which I think this plan sucks? He said he wanted all of us, you promised him all of us, and yet here I'll be, walking into this all alone. Our pal Clone-ya is not going to be pleased."

"I'm not worried about pleasing him."

"Yes, and why is that again? Oh yes, it's because you'll be somewhere out of sight, with a gun, whereas I'll be in plain view, disarmed and completely at the mercy of a man who has no mercy. A man you're deliberately pissing off."

Sheppard sneered. "Five seconds with you will piss him off!"

"Oh, thank you, Colonel Sybil. How many of you are in there, anyway? Maybe one of your other personalities would be willing to listen to my very legitimate concerns."

"You wanna stop worrying about your own skin for a minute, McKay?" Sheppard snarled. "This is the only chance we have, the only chance Teyla has. Anyway, I'll be watching your back."

"Great, but I'm pretty sure it's my front Kolya will be shooting."

"Depends on whether you panic this time," Ronon said seriously.

Sighing, Rodney watched them take their separate paths before continuing on his own toward the designated meeting place.

------

He didn't hear the approach from behind until there was a gun barrel at the base of his skull. Another man emerged from behind a tree to Rodney's right.

"Dr. McKay," Kolya said, drawing the words out menacingly as he stepped closer to Rodney.

"Hello again," Rodney answered weakly. Kolya gave a nod to the person holding the gun to Rodney's head, and an arm reached around to take his P-90 and handgun. Rodney offered no resistance, turning slightly as the other man checked him for additional weaponry, which of course was just plain silly. "You certainly don't know who you're…" He stopped with a gasp as he realized the person searching him was also Kolya.

Kolya Two just sneered. Kolya One actually chuckled, but his eyes remained cold and serious. "Sheppard said you would all come in together."

"You said you'd come alone," Rodney said, glancing at K2 pointedly.

"And I did."

Rodney shrugged. "Guess I can't really argue that one."

"Good," K1 was saying, taking a knife from a sheath, "because we have other things to discuss, Dr. McKay. Such as the location of Sheppard and the other member of your team."

"Ronon," Rodney squeaked, then wondered if that was something he should have kept secret until… well, until the knife became more than just a prop. Then again, what harm could come from giving him Ronon's name? It's not like it was an old shirt that the Kolyahound could sniff and then go locate Ronon by scent.

He felt his eyes growing large as K1 came toward him, holding the knife prominently before him. Licking dry lips, Rodney said, "Really, Kolya, we've played this scene already. Don't you ever get tired of the same ol', same ol' torture routine?"

"When something works, I see no reason not to use it again." The crutch fell to the ground as K2 suddenly yanked Rodney's arms behind him. K1 came closer still. "Besides… this time, it won't be your arm."

Yay, variety. Breathing hard, Rodney was fully focused on preparing himself for massive amounts of agonizing pain, yet still spared some brain activity for wondering just when the hell Sheppard would progress from watching his back to saving his ass. Given the proximity of those parts, moving from one to the other shouldn't present too great a…

The sound of gunfire coincided with the now-familiar sensation of someone's head exploding right behind Rodney's. K2 crumpled abruptly, taking the scientist down with him. "Not again!" he yelled, scrambling to get out from under the corpse and trying not to think about the condition of the hair on the back of his head.

Meanwhile, K1 had abandoned his knife in favor of aiming a gun into the woods, presumably at whoever had shot his clone. His head exploded before he could pull the trigger. The fallout spattered the front of Rodney's tac vest. "You have got to be kidding me! It's like front row at 'Gallagher: Live From Hell!'"

"McKay!" Sheppard stepped out from a bush. "Get up, grab your weapon!"

Shooting erupted from various positions all around, and Sheppard pulled back under cover. Confused, Rodney found his P-90 and hugged it to his chest, crouching and flinching as the bullets and energy blasts flew. Evidently, the two Kolyas hadn't come "alone" after all. He crawled with remarkable speed to a large tree and positioned himself in a way that he hoped would prevent his becoming a target. This plan really did suck after all. He felt vaguely vindicated, if still likely to die.

He peered around the tree and saw someone dart out from one to another, seeking a better spot from which to shoot at Sheppard. He frowned as he saw who it was. "Okay, seriously? This is ridiculous." Raising his P-90, he fired a few rounds at the latest Kolya, who in turn took aim at Rodney. Trying to become one with the trunk of his sheltering tree as an energy blast scorched the other side, Rodney mused that shooting was a lot more fun when no one shot back.

When his tree started taking fire from a second direction as well, Rodney began to think in terms of, oh, running for his life. Of course, today that meant limping for his life, which would have been more easily accomplished had he remembered to bring the crutch during his mad crawl to cover. This day just kept sucking harder and harder.

The sounds of battle amped up a few notches, and he saw Sheppard on the move, trying to get to Rodney's position. "Little cover fire would be nice!" he shouted. With a put-upon sigh, Rodney dutifully began firing the P-90 in a wide arc. He caught glimpses of Kolyas dashing from tree to tree, rolling behind bushes, and – oh yes – shooting back at him. "I swear to God, this is beyond repetitive."

"What? Getting shot at?" Sheppard asked as he dove against a tree a couple of feet away.

"No, that's business as usual. I was talking about the clones. Does it ever seem to you like someone downloaded the SGC mission report database and emailed it to the entire Pegasus galaxy?"

But Sheppard had stopped listening and was lifting his weapon to fire. For a brief, hysterical moment, Rodney thought he was finally going to shoot him, but it turned out he was just trying to nail a Kolya who'd managed to get around far enough to have a clear shot at the scientist.

That one was history, but there were plenty more where he'd come from. Rodney watched, horrified, as dozens of heavily armed Kolyas emerged for a concerted assault. It was way more terrifying than, say, seeing them all lounging about a penthouse apartment or something.

Just as it was occurring to Rodney that there was far too little tree between the two of them and the advancing commander clones, he felt Sheppard tugging his arm, dragging him back in an attempt to find better cover. Hindered by his injured foot, Rodney heard and felt the energy blasts zinging past, knowing that soon one would be connecting with some part of his body. Again.

Sheppard's arm was around him now, half-lifting, half-dragging Rodney as they frantically sought protection. They fell behind yet another tree, a larger one, but the Kolya Krew had them dead to rights; it was only a matter of time – minutes, maybe seconds – before they were overtaken.

A body dropped out of a tree. This would have gotten Rodney's attention even under normal circumstances, because people don't drop out of trees every day, but it was particularly striking at this moment because, as he hit the ground, he lobbed something like a grenade at the approaching Kolyas. In fact, he lobbed a couple of them. Highly effective they were, too.

The air was filled with dust and noise, and their rescuer turned toward them. "Get up! More will be on the way."

Wordlessly, Rodney looked at Sheppard, then back at this latest, and strangest-acting, Commander Kolya. When neither of them moved, the man said, "I'll explain on the way, but we have to get moving now if we're going to rescue Teyla."