Their passage through the compound was unobstructed. "Now, this is the kind of escape I like," Rodney said. "Simple, unimpeded progress, with a distinct lack of..."

They exited the compound to see dozens of Kolya clones lined up along the perimeter, weapons aimed in their direction.

"Shit," said Rodney.

"I'd say there's no lack of shit here," Sheppard corrected tensely.

One of the Kolyas stepped forward, wearing an air of ease and command. "We finally meet again, Sheppard. You were certainly in no hurry to keep our appointment."

"Well, you know how it is with tender reunions. Wanted to take our time, make ourselves pretty."

"Okay, before we go any further with the hero/villain banter," Rodney interrupted, "I just wanna know: are you the real Kolya? Because I hate dealing with sockpuppets on the internet, let alone in person, and especially at gunpoint. Ow!" He rubbed the side of his head where Sheppard had flicked him roughly.

"Rest assured, Dr. McKay, I am Kolya Prime, the original."

"Kolya Prime," Rodney muttered derisively. "Pretentious much? I hate it when people insist on using titles that— Ow! Stop flicking!"

But Sheppard ignored him. "'Scuse me," he whispered to TK, then slung his arm around the clone's neck and put his pistol to the man's head. "All right, just back the hell off," he yelled to Kolya Prime. "I don't wanna hurt anybody else, so just let us pass to the gate, and I'll let this one go."

"Brilliant," Rodney snorted. "Wait for it..."

Kolya Prime sneered. "As you can see, I have plenty of clones of myself. And that one has obviously betrayed me, so you'll be saving me the trouble if you kill him now."

"Knew it," muttered Rodney smugly.

"Okay, bad idea," Sheppard admitted, releasing TK. "But maybe this'll get your attention." Before Rodney had any idea what was happening, Sheppard had an arm around his neck, the gun barrel pressed firmly against his temple.

"What the HELL?" He'd meant it as a roar, but it came out more of a squeal.

"Trust me," Sheppard said softly. "Ronon?"

Rodney couldn't see it, but he heard a movement and felt Sheppard's head being pushed slightly, and realized – demented as it seemed – that Ronon had put his blaster to the colonel's head. Beside them, TK nudged his weapon through the Satedan's dreadlocks.

"All right, here's the deal, Kolya," shouted Sheppard. "You need us alive because you want us cloned. Dead, we're no good to you. So either you let us pass right now, or we'll blow each other's heads off."

"The worst, most talentless writer in the galaxy would never come up with anything this moronic!" Rodney grumbled breathlessly.

"You don't seem to realize, Sheppard, that you're also no good to me once you're safely through the gate. If I can't capture you alive, why should I let you leave?"

"Because then you'll at least have another shot at us someday."

"That's your argument?" Rodney noted that his voice was heading for dog-hearing range. "For God's sake, just give him what he wants!"

Even he wasn't sure which "him" he was talking to.

"I mean it, Kolya!" Sheppard snarled, jamming the gun a little harder against Rodney's head and ignoring the whimper of protest. "We won't let ourselves become tools for you to use against the Genii, or anyone else. We'd rather die."

"Of course, some of us didn't get asked," Rodney grunted.

Sheppard was getting good at ignoring Rodney. "So I suggest you just put your weapons down, make a hole, and let us pass."

After approximately two and a half eternities, Kolya Prime gave a signal, and the Attack of the Clones was averted as they all laid their weapons on the ground. The Guns To Their Heads Gang began to move en masse (Rodney almost giggled as the image crossed his mind of the cast of The Mary Tyler Moore Show shuffling across the newsroom in a group hug), and the sea of clones grudgingly parted to let them through.

When they'd made it several feet past the line, Rodney couldn't hold it in any longer. "You do realize, don't you, that there's nothing stopping them from picking up those weapons right now and—"

"Run!" shouted TK, suiting action to instruction. Sheppard finally pulled the gun away from Rodney's head and followed, tugging on Rodney's arm. Seconds later, the area was rocked by a massive explosion that knocked everyone to the ground. Rodney had lost his crutch in the melee, and TK was suddenly helping him up, pulling him along toward the woods.

"What happened? How did you know that was gonna... did you...?

"While I was standing guard in the hallway, I planted a few explosive charges," TK yelled, keeping Rodney on the move.

"You could have used that tactic earlier and avoided that whole unfortunate suicide pact scenario."

"We were standing too close to the compound," Sheppard said, pushing Rodney from behind to indicate that an increase in speed would be appreciated.

"Excuse me! Lame man running here!" He watched Ronon lope past with Teyla in his arms, looking rather like a gazelle. "Show-off!" Rodney panted.

The explosion had bought them some time, but not much. More and more, energy blasts from Kolya's energy weapons stung the trees and foliage nearby, providing additional incentive to pick up the pace. Rodney's injured foot screamed each time it touched the ground, but since feet don't have larynxes, Rodney was obliged to be its voice.

Finally, the gate was in sight, but the pain in Rodney's foot was almost unbearable. Ronon had put Teyla down to help Sheppard cover TK as he helped the scientist to the DHD. "Dial!" shouted the clone. "They can't hold them off for long."

Now that the moment was at hand, Rodney felt extremely self-conscious. Did this clone know the Atlantis gate address? If so, he would certainly notice that Rodney was dialing the wrong address. But as luck would have it, TK turned away and began to shoot, and Rodney hurriedly input the address he'd picked out.

The gate engaged and the wormhole formed just as the full force of Kolya's clone army had begun to emerge from the wooded area. Sheppard and Ronon were working their way back toward the DHD. Seeing that the gate was ready, Sheppard looked at TK and shouted, "Go on! We'll be right behind you."

TK turned to Rodney. "Have you input the code? The one to let them know it's your team?"

"Uh... well, I always do that, of course," Rodney fudged. Before he could lie any more transparently, an energy blast slammed into the DHD, setting his sleeve on fire. He fell to the ground and rolled on the arm to extinguish the fire. The next thing he knew, TK had lifted him to his feet and was all but carrying him up the ramp toward the gate. "Uh, no!" he yelled. "I mean, you go ahead. I'll wait for the others... No, you go..."

But by then, they were passing the event horizon, and in wormholes, no one can hear you scream.