Disclaimer: I own nothing but my imagination.
Emily tapped her foot as waited for the elevator to arrive. When the team arrived at the BAU that morning, Hotch updated them on a case that had come across JJ's desk overnight.
It had been almost a month since the BAU had been on a case other than Milwaukee. As they reviewed the details sent from the Portland police department, they agreed that it would be best for them to see the evidence on the ground.
After the team finished in the conference room, Hotch had gone over to Strauss' office with the case file to see if she would lift the stand down order. It had now been eight days since they had returned from Milwaukee. Strauss still had them on stand down and wasn't inclined to change that until at least Emily was cleared for the field. Something that couldn't happen until she got her stitches out the following evening after work.
Emily, like the rest of the team, didn't think Strauss would change her mind. Hotch hadn't either but had felt inclined to at least try. So while he was meeting with Strauss, she called down to the Bureau infirmary to see if they could see her that morning. Given an appointment in an hour, she was going to see if the doctor would remove the stitches early and clear her for field duty.
They could all tell as soon as Hotch returned that he hadn't been successful with Strauss. Shortly after he returned Emily left the bullpen to go down to the infirmary. Once there, she explained to the doctor the situation and asked about having the stitches out early.
After she assessed the healed cut on Emily's forehead, the doctor made the decision that the stitches could come out a day early and she could be cleared for full duty. However, Emily would need to keep steristrips over the wound for the next few days and avoid anything that would impact the area. Finally, the doctor stated she wanted to see Emily the day she came back after the case. Emily agreed as she was handed her clear for duty paperwork.
Once back in the bullpen, took her clearance form up to Hotch who looked at her questioningly as she explained what she had done. He sighed before informing her that he would only go along with it if she took it easy on the case. He also informed her she would not be involved in any takedowns or any field assignments that required her vest until after she saw the doctor when they returned. She quickly agreed before Hotch headed out of his office on his way to Strauss' office.
Once he returned with an affirmative response, the pace in the bullpen increased as everyone prepared to leave as soon as the jet was ready.
Once on the jet, they discussed the case along with new information that Garcia had found before sitting back as they each waited for the cross country flight to be over.
Now that she was cleared to be back fully with the team, Emily was breathing easier. From the day after they had arrived home from Milkwaukee she had been restless. She had woken up confused but quickly remembered the events of the day before.
After preparing for the day, she found that she couldn't focus on tasks around her apartment. A part of her was worried that after opening herself up to returning to the BAU that Strauss would still use her resignation as a way to keep her from returning. It wasn't until now that she was back on full duty that she felt secure that she really had her position back.
Looking across the aisle to Spencer, Emily was glad her younger friend was slowly doing better as the days went on. The last week and a half hadn't been easy, particularly for him.
The day she had been at home she knew from experience that the text messages to Hotch wouldn't change his mind about letting her come in but she couldn't help herself. When he had called and she saw his name on the caller ID, she quickly answered wondering if perhaps it had worked.
Her stomach dropped when she heard his voice initially thinking that what she had feared about Strauss not letting her come back for her position was true. However she had quickly comprehended that he was explaining about Gideon leaving and Reid's reaction that day. After some debate on what to do, she gathered her things and headed towards the BAU.
After talking to Hotch and getting her credentials back, she had gone down and slowly got Spencer to interact with her. It hadn't taken much effort to get him to leave with her after that.
Their first stop had been at the nearby diner that they both liked. If Emily had to guess, she would bet that he hadn't eaten anything since they left Milwaukee the day before.
The rest of the afternoon had them both going to see their respective therapists. Emily's appointment was scheduled while Spencer's was made after lunch and just happened to overlap.
Emily smiled to herself as she remembered Alicia's reaction when she came in that day. In all the years that she had known the older woman, she had never seen her quite so lost for words. During that session Emily had described all that had happened in the few days since she had last been there as well as the range of feelings she was having about all that had happened. Before she left, Alicia confirmed upcoming appointments. They both expected that even with Emily's return to the BAU and clearing the air with Aaron that Emily may need the opportunity to talk in the coming days and weeks.
For the rest of that evening, Emily and Spencer had dinner and socialized in her apartment similar to the way they had when he had been staying with her. Given his demeanor, Emily invited him to stay in her guest room as he had previously done assuring him he could stay as long as he needed.
After they both went to their respective rooms for the night, Emily sat in a chair in her room thinking about Gideon. She recalled their last conversation just a few evenings earlier.
As much as she could tell that he was conflicted, he hadn't let on that he was planning to resign and disappear. As much as she could see the effect on the team but particularly Spencer, she couldn't be upset with Gideon.
Her grandfather had made a similar move when he resigned from the CIA after not being able to get past her own father's death which he blamed on a policy decision that he had been unable to stop. Her grandparents had quickly moved out of DC and into France only to finally settled later in a cabin in the French Alps.
Over the years as she spoke to him about why, it began clear that he had just come to a breaking point that left him unable to process continuing to do the work that he had done his entire career. That he was then finding his fulfillment in getting back to the basis of life and using his hands to work the land.
Though there were different circumstances, she had disappeared to the same mountain cabin after the Doyle mission not telling anyone where she went. When she left she expected that it would be temporary as she tried to wrap her head around what had happened and what she learned after her debriefing about what had gone wrong.
Little did she know when she made the decision that it would save her life. The location of the safehouse she was scheduled to stay at was leaked. An attack occurred and the agents there securing it were all killed.
By the time she came back further arrests had been made of Doyle's network however even now there wasn't a conclusive answer about who had attacked.
Before she could consider it anymore, there was an announcement to prepare for landing. She along with the rest of the team started to clean up the dishes and stow bags that had been taken out during the long flight.
Once the jet was on the ground, the team exited the jet and headed off on their assignments.
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The plane ride home after the case was quiet. It seemed that a case were someone in a trusted position such as a psychiatrist using people's fears against them had all of them thinking.
For JJ, it was that she always avoided getting hurt. Her sister's death and father leaving shortly after that played into it. She knew she had a hard time opening up in relationships and that had adversely affected the ones she had in the past.
Now she was at a crossroads with Will, the detective she had met months earlier in New Orleans. There had been an instant attraction between the two. JJ acknowledged that she had even given him hope before she left New Orleans back then. But after months of sporadic phone calls and a few visits, Will had been mentioning about wanting to be exclusive and both of them making more of an effort to see each other on a regular basis. Was she ready to make that step? Did she want to be with Will? Or did she risk losing him because of her indecision?
Derek's greatest fear had almost come true just months earlier when he was falsely accused of murdering teen boys. The case had shone a light on a dark corner of his past that he hadn't wanted anyone to know about. Even now he was relieved to know from the team that only Hotch and Gideon knew the truth.
But he hadn't had a choice in revealing his secret once he determined that his former abuser was still abusing these boys. To cover up his crimes Buford was killing those he suspected of preparing to report him. While the conclusion of that case had started the healing process, the accusations had open a different cut that affected his willingness to trust.
Spencer's greatest fear was that everyone would keep leaving to the point that no one he could count on would be left in his life. Hotch and Emily's recent wavering about their positions on the team had worried him. Unlike Gideon, Emily had spoken to him about her reason and promised to still be available to him in some capacity. He hadn't processed Hotch's absence before he showed up in Milwaukee with Emily as he had been so worried about Gideon.
But for Spencer, Gideon was a larger than life figure that had him reconsider an academic field and encouraged him to join the FBI. In his time there Gideon had helped him navigate multiple areas of red tape in becoming a BAU agent. But now he was gone, leaving only a note behind to explain it all.
As Emily had suggested in Portland, he had reread the note. Thought about what what Gideon said in it again. He understood that, unlike with his father, he wasn't the reason Gideon left.
It kept coming back to his father leaving. Leaving him alone with his mother who as much as she loved him had not been able to fill a traditional parental role. If anything Spencer needed to nurture her and ultimately make the heart wrenching decision just as he past the cusp of adulthood to commit her involuntarily because he knew she would get the best care there. And she continued to get the day to day care she needed while frequently conversing with him.
But he didn't have any illusions that she would magically become completely better. He would need to continue to be the adult in their relationship as least unless he himself started to show symptoms of schizophrenia.
Over the last week he had started to worry about if the time would ever come that he needed help and no one would be there for him. People he met respected his intellect. He was in this job because of his intellect. What would happen if like his mother that intellect was compromised by mental illness?
For Hotch, he felt like he was currently living one of his greatest fears as his marriage was falling apart in front of him. While not yet official his marriage was over for all intents and purposes with no chance of reconciliation. That had been clear in his conversation with Haley.
Since then he had been doing what he could legally to protect himself. He was also making plans to make sure he could continue to be the best parent he could for Jack. He refused to compromise on being there for Jack.
But he couldn't argue what Stanley Howard said to him about his fear about not being able to save everyone. Now that he had returned to his position in the BAU, it is always in the back of his mind.
Just a few days earlier the team burst in to find Emily injured and in a precarious position while a seven year held a gun on her. While he didn't want her to be injured further, he also was concerned for everyone in that room while a scared child was holding a loaded gun. Thankfully he was able to get the gun away from the child without anyone else getting hurt.
And then there was Gideon. While he didn't know what exactly happened in the two weeks leading up to his disappearance, he did feel like there should have been more than he could have done. Though after Sarah's death, he didn't know what else they could have done. He tried to prevent Gideon from coming back too soon but he had the seniority to override Hotch's objections.
For now, Hotch needed to find a way to do right by his son as well as protect the team as well as he could. There was still healing that had to happen and as long as Strauss didn't interfere any further he was optimistic they could get to where they needed to be.
Emily sat back in her seat, knowing this case and the topic of fears would feature prominently in her next session with Alicia. Her greatest fear now that she was back with the team is that her past would put all of them in danger. If something, anything happened to any of her team, she would never be able to forgive herself. The worst part is that she couldn't even fill them in or warn them because of the classification level of the case.
Gideon knew what happened but he was gone now. However when she saw him last, he did encourage her to get back in touch with Sam Cooper who also knew some or most details about the Doyle case. Given what she knew of his history, he would have the necessary clearance level to get the entire file.
When she had been planning to resign, she had thought it would be best given the inquires she was getting first from Clyde then Jeremy and now the others from her JTF-12 team. At some point soon, she would need to make a decision about Declan.
She had already decided that she wasn't handing Declan over as, from experience, she didn't trust the loyalties of Clyde, Jeremy or Tsia. While Sean agreed that Delan needed to be safe, they disagreed on how that was best accomplished.
Another sign that something was up is that the agent with Louise and Declan had reported that Louise was acting strangely over the last couple of months without explanation. Was she worried about their safety or was she trying to get her and Declan away to rejoin the remnants of Doyle's network?
Sean had insisted and she had to agree that she personally needed to stay away until they could get a clear read of what was happening both within the other former JTF-12 members and with Louise given her role in that case. As far as Louise knew Lauren Reynolds was dead. If Emily was to reveal her true identity and Louise was actually communicating with what was left of Doyle's team, it could bring danger to BAU that she couldn't even warn them about.
But for now she needed to focus on the work of the BAU now that she was back. Her first stop when she got back was at the infirmary to get the final check up on her forehead. The healed cut looked good so she didn't anticipate any issues with that appointment.
Next she needed to get in contact with Sam Cooper and talk to him. She had promised Gideon and if things started to fall apart, she would need his help to keep the team safe.
AN: I have the next chapter started and will post as soon as it's ready. Up next- Emily's meeting with Sam Cooper doesn't go as planned. Also she relaxes her a guard and slightly opens up to Hotch.