AN: Please read the AN at the end of this chapter.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Emily woke with a start the next morning after a nightmare gasping for breath. Looking around the room, she calmed herself as she realized where she was. Her own room, in her own bed not in Doyle's compound restrained to his bed. As she worked to refocus, she looked down to the towards the door. The open door that she could leave through. She wasn't trapped here. Relieved that it was just a nightmare she relaxed and closed her eyes.
After she started the deep breathing relaxation exercises that Alicia had taught her she suddenly heard light snoring from the other side of the bed. When she heard the sound her eyes popped open and her anxiety rose followed by her starting to rub her wrists. As vague memories started to enter her consciousness, she looked down at herself immediately noticing that she was naked.
With that part confirmed, she slowly turned her head towards the other side of the bed. It was then with the early morning light shining through the window that she saw Hotch lying on his stomach facing the other side of the bed.
Feeling her anxiety starting to rise again, she pulled the sheet tightly up around herself. Turning her head towards the other side of the bed she started the deep breathing exercises again. She wasn't in the headspace right now to answer the questions she knew he'd have about why she was on the verge of a panic attack. If he saw her like this he would blame himself because he didn't know the whole story and she couldn't really explain it.
After she regulated her breathing, she slowly sat up, grabbed her robe, and went to the bathroom as quietly as possible so as not to wake him up. In the bathroom as she stood in front of the mirror the complete mess that was her hair was immediately noticeable. As she worked a brush through it, she thought about what had happened last night to get them to where they were this morning.
Hotch stopping by and their talk. Him finding her box. Their song. Their kiss. The second kiss that turned to making out on her couch. Then after the clothes started to come off they had gone up to her room.
She sighed as she pulled her hair into a ponytail. The sex had been just what she remembered from her time with him. Only with him had she ever felt that cared for and special. And while she winced as she moved at the soreness she was now experiencing it had more to do in the length of time since the last time she had sex than anything else.
It was a complete contrast to her time with Doyle. He had been intentionally rough, taking pleasure in her being in pain during sex as well as afterwards. Commenting that he wanted her to feel him every time she moved. That it was a reminder that she belonged to him. That he considered her a possession that he could treat as he wanted.
Shaking her head to rid herself of those thoughts, she quietly peeked out to see that Hotch was still asleep.
Tiptoeing into back into her bedroom, she quietly gathered workout clothes before walking into the bedroom across the hall to change before heading downstairs. When she reached the bottom of the stairs, she saw her shirt and bra from the day before lying on the floor by the couch. As she was picking them up, she saw Hotch's tie there as well. After placing the tie on top of his briefcase, she placed her clothes on a pile at the bottom of the stairs to go in with other clothes to wash.
Walking into the kitchen, she stopped as she suddenly realized how early it actually was. The nightmare had her up much earlier than usual.
With the busy day in front of her and needing to deal with her negative energy from her nightmare before talking to Hotch, she decided to go down to the gym in the building to work out. While last night had been great, they really needed to talk. To decide what would happen from here. She just hoped that they could get on the same page without regrets.
Walking over to the other side of the kitchen, she set up the coffee pot before leaving Hotch a note telling him where she was going. After a quick look at the now empty fridge, she added that she would bring breakfast back with her. After gathering her phone, keys and jacket for the bakery run, she quietly left the apartment.
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Hotch groaned as he woke up, the sun shining right in his face. He quickly noticed that it wasn't because he forgot to close the curtains but because this was not in his room.
As he looked around the room, he remembered what had happened. After he found the box where Emily had put all of their memories and all of the pieces of him after she thought he had left her. Compartmentalizing that part of her life so she could try to move forward.
As he had gone through the items she had saved, it had stirred something up in him as he realized that as upset as she had been about him leaving, she had been unable to destroy the items in the box. Their memories. Pieces of their shared story.
The feelings he had buried since he learned that she had left all those years ago suddenly had overwhelmed him. As he listened to their song and, for the first time since that summer, it brought him peace instead of anger.
Then there was the kiss he hadn't expected to go anywhere however when Emily had returned it, it quickly became passionate. She had then initiated the second kiss which he had eagerly reciprocated.
As things heated up and clothes started to come off, he had slowed them down a little. If they were going to have sex for the first time in 13 years, it wasn't going to be on the couch in her parents' apartment or a quick fumble against a wall of the living room. No he wanted to do it right.
When he momentarily broke their kiss, Emily seemed to be of the same mindset as she walked over to the stairs, still topless, before looking back at him before running up. Doing it that way had given him a choice - either follow her up or leave through the front door if he had felt that was the best choice.
He knew his answer before she even reached the top of the stairs. He stopped just long enough to take the damn condoms out of his briefcase. As much as he hated them, he was grateful that his doctor had given them to him. He didn't want them to have to stop just because he didn't have one. He hadn't been expecting this outcome when he arrived at her apartment and if they hadn't been in his briefcase, he would have been forced to chose option two.
Once he reached Emily's room, she saw the condoms and remembering his feelings about them, she had tried to take them away after she commented that she was on birth control and clean. He still couldn't get the look of sadness and confusion on her face out of his mind when he still insisted on using them regardless. And not just the first but each time.
While his doctor had called with the good news that all of his tests had come back negative, he had again recommended Hotch continue to use condoms until certain tests were repeated in a few months to verify he was indeed negative.
As he considered it this morning, he concluded that he needed to tell Emily why. Why he was certain about the divorce. Why he had insisted on condoms.
It seemed like too heavy of the conversation last night in her room given the circumstances. He had made sure that she was protected then but she had the right to know. He would need to tell her. Today.
He sighed as he looked around the room noticing that Emily hadn't come back from wherever she was. After several minutes he got out of the bed and put his boxers back on before walking to the bathroom.
Once done, he looked around the second floor still not finding her. He sighed as he walked back into Emily's room. It was still very early. Too early for visitors however he didn't feel comfortable going downstairs in just his boxers or even partially dressed.
He walked around the room picking up his clothes finding everything but his tie and shoes before slowly putting everything on hoping that Emily was going to walk through the door and he could stop, at least for now.
Once he was done, he walked down the stairs, confused when he didn't see her there either. As he reached the bottom of the stairs, he saw his tie sitting on top of his briefcase. Knowing it wasn't him who placed it there, it must have been Emily this morning. However, that still didn't answer the question of where she was now.
He sat down on the couch to put his shoes on suddenly feeling awkward about the situation. Emily was moving this morning. His unexpected visit last night had stopped her from finishing what she needed to prepare. This morning, she got up early and instead of completing what she needed to she had disappeared from her own apartment. It would be the only option she would have if she wanted to avoid an uncomfortable interaction between them when he woke up. Did that mean Emilly regretted it? Did he regret it?
Walking over to the table he took his suit jacket off the back of the chair. Reaching into the pocket for his phone as he planned to send her a text about where she was. But as he reached into the wrong pocket, he felt his credentials instead. His credentials. Their jobs.
He had come over last night to talk about a comment he made, mentioning her decision to come back to the team as the reason. Regardless of what happened between them years ago, sleeping together now would complicate their job situation. That was one of the topics that they needed to discuss.
While it would have added a layer of discomfort to the morning instead of sticking around to have that discussion, apparently Emily had decided to stick her head in the sand and leave, hoping he would be gone when she got back.
Well if that is what she wanted, he would give it to her. He put his suit jacket on and shoved his tie in one of the pockets. Picking up his briefcase, he started for the front door. As he walked by, he saw a note sitting next to the coffee pot but kept walking. He didn't need to see it in writing that she wanted him to leave. He didn't want to read another Dear Aaron letter.
When he reached the door, he opened it and then soundly pulled it shut before making his way back down to his car, his misery increasing with every step that he took.
When he woke up, he had expected the morning to go completely different. But just as most of his mornings had been recently, he had quickly become frustrated.
While he understood concerns about their jobs he believed that Emily would at least have that conversation with him. After everything that had been happening with Haley, he had opened himself up to Emily only to have her disappear on him too. Now he just hoped that they could find a way forward so they could work together.
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When Emily stepped back into the apartment she right over to the counter to carefully put down the bag she was holding before going back to shut the door. As she walked back to the counter, the silence of the apartment suddenly struck her. She looked down at her watch, surprised that Hotch had slept this late.
Glancing over at the coffee pot, she noticed that he hadn't even been down yet as it was still turned off and her note was still sitting there. Shaking her head she turning the coffee pot on to brew before she pulled two mugs out of the cabinet. While she was waiting for the coffee, she emptied the bag she had brought back with her and set the food up on a tray to carry upstairs.
With this being the last morning in this apartment she hadn't really had any food in the apartment, at least not anything she would serve a guest. She had a mostly empty box of cereal that she had planned on finishing off herself this morning with a cup of coffee as she finished her tasks that had to wait until this morning. The grocery store was on her list for things to do after she got settled in her new place.
However with Hotch there, she decided to walk down the block to the bakery after her much needed workout. One that reminded her of a boulangerie that they would stop at in France before and after visits to her grandfather when she was a child. As soon as she had walked in, the wonderful scents overtook her and she suddenly felt hungry.
After some consideration she ordered what she knew she liked and something she hoped Hotch would like. After her order was boxed up and she paid, she headed back to her apartment feel more at peace after her workout and thinking through what happened between her and Hotch.
Now back at her apartment, she placed coffee for each of them on a tray alongside the food. She carefully climbed the stairs with the tray.
She didn't have a lot of time before the movers came but there were a few topics they needed to address sooner rather than later. Their needed talk would go better once they both ate thus the food.
When she walked into her room, she was surprised to find it empty. Placing the tray on the bedside table, she checked the bathroom and other rooms that were similarly empty. Not sure what to make of it, she walked back downstairs with the tray.
As she reached the bottom she immediately noticed that Hotch's briefcase was no longer sitting on the table. His tie that she had placed on top of it was gone as were his shoes. Walking over to the counter, she put the tray down and picked up her phone, dismayed to find he didn't leave her a message. Looking at the food, she found that she had lost her appetite and just took the coffee mug off of it and walked away from the kitchen.
Sighing she walked back over to the living room and sat down on the chair across from the couch wondering what had happened and why did he leave. The night had been unexpected at least for her. She groaned and leaned forward as ran her hands over her head.
He had left without a word. Again.
When a few weeks ago when she had explained what had happened 13 years ago, he had expressed regret about leaving, particularly the way he did. She had accepted that because of the complications of what was done to both of them. But this was just a few weeks later and here they were again.
What had happened?
Had she misread the situation?
She was not doubting his word about being separated. But did Haley call and he went back to her?
But how last night happened made her now made her wonder. The more she thought about it, she was starting to wonder if it had just been a booty call.
He came by the talk which they did and it had been beneficial. But then there was the hug then kisses, making out and then they were in her room.
Though she had been perplexed by his sudden insistence on using condoms, she hadn't called him out on it. It was one of the topics she wanted them to talk about when she came back this morning. She very clearly remembered that he hated them. Once they found each other again when she had come home that summer and verified that they were both clean and she was on the pill, they never used them again. Until last night.
And it wasn't even completely that he had wanted to use them. They hadn't had a similar talk so in some ways, she could understand.
But it's that he was carrying them with him. In his briefcase. It just didn't seem like something that she would expect Hotch of all people to just carry around with him. According to him he and Haley had only been separated for a few weeks and she had witnessed him getting separation paper just the day before. Had he planned last night?
Emily stood up and started pacing as she shook her head. No she wasn't going there. She was not going to overthink her way down a rabbit hole this morning.
What happened was just as much on her as it was on him as she had wanted it too. She had put on the CD knowing the effect that song had on her. She had accepted their mutual unspoken desire. She had initiated the second kiss. She had then stepped away from him to head upstairs, giving him an out if he wanted it.
When he had arrived in her room, she had longingly surrendered to what she thought they both wanted. She didn't not regret their first coupling and readily welcomed his advances later for a second round. It had been her that had initiated their third and final round for the night. No they both knew what they were doing.
Could he have had regrets because of their jobs? It wasn't that long ago that he was suspended and had to fight Strauss' pressure to switch departments to stay in the BAU. After the lengths Strauss went to undermine Hotch by hiring her just to dig up dirt on him, Emily was sure she wasn't done with them. And while she hadn't gone through the training, Emily was fairly sure that 'sleeping with a subordinate' was on a list of 'things not to do' for Unit Chiefs. But they had and now she just hoped things weren't too awkward between them come Monday morning.
She was brought out of her musings by a knock on the door. A quick look at her watch showed that she had been sitting there thinking for a while. After checking the peephole, Emily opened the door to her movers. After showing them where to get started, she walked over to the shelf where she had her task list. Picking it up, she got to work. The rest would need to wait until later.
AN: Don't worry. They will talk soon. The plan is for in the next chapter.
I took the story here because while their feelings for each other are still there, they are different people than they were 13 years earlier. They both have insecurities and issues - some the other knows about already and some that they don't. Yet. They also have factors namely Haley and Doyle that will be ongoing complications. Neither of these characters are known for doing things the easy way. Part of this story is them gradually learning about each other again and having these experiences strengthen their bond. This story will end with them being together so don't doubt that. There is just going to be some drama, angst and frustration to get them there.