Neogami, here! 'Sup? Haha...2nd chapter...whoo! I'm sorry for not updating in so long, so I'm making it up by making this chapter nice and long! Yeah, more randomness and OOCness! But, this time, Walter's the victim! -maniacal laugh-
Seras: Uh-oh...I don't like the sound of that...
Integra: I suppose I'm after Walter, then? Since neither Seras or Alucard can eat, anyways..
Neogami: Actually, Alucard is after Walter. Then you.
Integra: -gives Neogami wierd look-
Neogami: You'll see...hehe...
Alucard: Urgh...
Walter: Aheh...Well, Miss Neogami doesn't own anything or anyone in this fic except for the turtle. -nervous smile-
Neogami: -In a Super Mario-ish voice- Here we goo!
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Chapter 2: Not the Butler!
Seras ran throughout the mansion, searching everywhere for Muffin. She was bent over, digging through a closet when her master's head popped out of the wall, a sadistic grin on his face, as always.
"What are you looking for, Police Girl?" Alucard said in a demonic voice, which made Seras shriek and fall flat on her butt. Alucard let out a maniacal laugh.
"M-Master, you shouldn't scare me like that!" Seras yelled, glaring angrily at him. He smirked at her and helped her up.
"So, what are you looking for?" He asked. At that, Seras broke eye contact and seemed absorbed with her feet.
'Oh, crap! What do I tell him that...Oh, would you look at all that disgusting dirt on my boots! What a sh...That's it! I'll tell him I'm looking for--'
"Shoe polish? You're joking, right?" Alucard said, interrupting her train of thought. "Look, if you tell me what you're looking for, I'll, more than likely, be able to find it for you."
"And how do you figure that?" Seras said, not really realizing what she said. Alucard rolled his eyes and said,
"Well, let's see, I can go through walls...I can fly...I know every inch of this house--"
"Alright, alright, I get your point, now go away!" Seras interrupted. Alucard lifted his eyebrow to this.
"Well...aren't we miss rude today! Is it PMS?"
"GO AWAY!"
"Alright, fine. Gosh, you try to help some people and what do they do? Yell at you! I was just trying to help her and she yells at me! Just tosses me aside like some...some...old newspaper or--"
"With all due respect, master, are you quite finished?" Seras said.
"Only when you let me help you. Oh, the misery! Why is the world such a cruel place? Has kindness just flown out the window? Well, has it?" He kept going on. Seras rolled her eyes.
'Gosh, he's so annoying! If he wants to help me find Muffin that bad why doesn't he just order me to--'
"Okay, then, Police Girl. I order you to let me aid you in your search for this 'Muffin'. Is that a pet name for Captain Bernedette? I didn't know you two were that way...If so, I saw him in the kitchen not too long ago, along with Walter. 'Muffin' eats like a pig, I swear.." Alucard, yet again, interrupted Seras in her train of thought. Seras grumbled, but headed toward the kitchen to find Pip, followed by Alucard. She peeked her head into the kitchen to check for Muffin, and only found Walter, about to take Sir Integra her tea.
"Oh, hello, Walter!" Seras said, as cheerfully as she could, with Alucard trailing behind her like some lost puppy following her home.
"Good Evening, Miss Victoria! Are you looking or something?" Walter replied, seeing Seras glance through the kitchen. When she realised what Walter had just said, she snapped back into reality and stated,
"Oh, no I'm just--"
"She's looking for 'Muffin'." Alucard interrupted her with a devilish smirk. Walter's eyebrow lifted when he heard this.
"'Muffin'?" He asked with a puzzled look on his face.
"No one. No one at a--"
"Pet name for Captain Bernedette. Probably something naughty." Alucard laughed. Walter blushed a little. Seras's face turned bright red. She faced her master with the most loathful glare she could muster and said,
"It's not anything naughty, you perverted git!" Alucard rolled his eyes and said,
"Is that really the meanest look you can come up with? Police Girl, that's just pitifu--"
"Who's got naughty pet names for me? I know I heard my name and 'pet name' and 'naughty'." Pip said, walking out from a corner with a gargantuan ham and cheese sandwich. He was out of uniform, wearing baggy blue jeans with a rip in the knees(Hey, that kinda RHYMED! XD) and a Lime green t-shirt that said on it 'Limp Bizkit'. He leaned against a wall, looking Seras up and down. Seras let out a sigh of relief and said,
"Oh, there you are Captai--I mean...Muffin." Pip stood up strait, looked behind himself, then back at Seras. He questioned, with his mouth full of food and a surprised look on his face,
"You mean me?"
"Yes, I mean you, you barmy frenchman!"
"Oh. You called me 'Muffin'..."
"Yes, I did. So?"
"..."
"So?"
"Does this mean I get to spank you?"
"NO!"
"Darn...It was worth a shot."
Seras felt her master's eyes upon her at that moment. She sensed he knew that Pip wasn't the mysterious 'Muffin' they had been looking for. The glare she had on her face was wiped off instantly as Alucard said,
"You're hiding something from me. What is it?"
She was frozen.
'Oh CRAP.' She thought. 'Crappity CRAP.' She regained her composure and said, not facing him, "What reason would I have to hide anything from you, master?" She felt his intense glare on her. She gulped and cowered a little. Hoping to find a way out of the present situation, she turned to where Walter stood to ask him how the weather was, but he had already gone to give Master Hellsing her tea. 'Oh, no...' Her head whirled and, without warning, fainted. Or so she was trying to lead them to believe. She felt Alucard's glare once more, he was trying to pry into her thoughts again. This time she wouldn't let him. She wouldn't let him go into business which wasn't his. So, to keep him from doing that, she let out the loudest shriek her undead lungs would allow her. Pip dropped his sandwhich, covered his ears and ran out of the kitchen. Alucard winced and covered his ears still slightly glaring at Seras.
"Master...fucking...stay...out of...my fucking thoughts..." Alucard glared one last dagger, and strode out of the kitchen to bother the frenchman. 'YES! I did it! I got finally Master Alucard out of my mind! I feel great. Now to find Muffin..'
Now to see what Walter's up to...
Walter walked down the halls of the Hellsing masion until he came to Integra's office door. He knocked on it softly and entered when he heard an agitated "...Come in."
"Your tea, Sir Hellsing." Integra looked up from her desk and sighed in relief.
"Thank you, Walter." She said. She had been going through all the damge Pip had cause when he had eaten the muffin from hell. It was alot, and to fix it was...alot. She lifted an eyebrow when she noticed a blueberry muffin(You know whose that is. XD) lying on the silver tray next to her tea. "Walter, what's with the muffin?" Walter looked in surprise at the muffin on the tray.
"Good heavens, I didn't even notice that. I'll take it back if you'd like.."
"No, Walter, it's quite alright. Why don't you eat it? Have a snack.." Integra said, handing Walter the muffin. He smiled and said,
"Thank you, Sir Integra." Walter took the muffin and exited the room, leaving Integra to her work. He looked at the muffin. It didn't look too suspicious...he was being cautious about his foods since the..."Pip" incident. He didn't want to end up doing something he'd regret. He walked back into the kitchen to find Seras bent over, looking in one of the cabinets for an unidentified something.
"My word, Miss Victoria, what are you looking for?" he said, trying to keep himself from gazing at Seras's voluptuous posterior, which was sticking right out because she was digging through a cabinet.
"Nothing, Walter.." She replied. Alucard fazed into the kitchen to bother Seras some more, and saw a sight that even Integra might have chuckled at. Walter's eyes were frantically looking around the room for something to focus on, but seemed to go right back to Seras's bum in the air. He let out a laugh and Walter looked at him in relief.
"Hello, Alucard." Walter said.
"Hey, Walter. You weren't staring at the Police Girl's arse, now were you?" Alucard said, holding back laughter. Walter's face turned light pink and he looked at the floor. Seras came out of the cabinet(Haha...that almost sounded like...oh, nevermind, you know what it is..) and blushed.
"Haha, Don't worry, Walter. I stare at it alot, too." Pip said, putting his hand on Walter's shoulder as he walked into the kitchen.
"I..uh..." Walter said, and took a bite out of the muffin, without even noticing it. Then, all of a sudden he fell onto the floor. Seras, Pip, and even Alucard let out a gasp of surprise. Walter stood back up and said,
"YOWZA! I FEEL LIKE DISCO DANCING! WHO WANTS TO JOIN?" Seras slapped herself in the face and mumbled an "Oh shit.." Alucard lifted an eyebrow to, not only Walter, but to what Seras said.
'Police Girl, you have something to do with this, don't you?'
'I don't know what you're talking about, Master.'
'Yes you do. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Now fess up.'
'How can I fess up to something I didn't even do, Sherlock?'
'Don't get smart with me, young lady.'
'I'm soooo sorry, DaddyThought Seras, emphasizing 'Daddy' as if it were going to insult him.
'Normally, I wouldn't mind you calling me 'Daddy' but we're in a pretty shitty situatio--' Alucard was cut off in mid...telepathy when Walter glomped him, pinned him on the ground, and started kissing him passionately.
"Walter, get o--" Alucard tried to push him off without throwing him across the room, but failed horribly. 'Seras...get Walter off me.'
'Oh, NOW you need me.'
'Just get him off! NOW, before he...HE'S PUTTING HIS HANDS IN PLACES THEY SHOULDN'T BE GOING.' Pip was on the ground, holding his sides, laughing his ass off. 'SEEERAAASSS! GET HIM OFF!'
'What's the magic word?'
'...Exscuse me?'
'The magic word.'
'Police Girl, do it or else, I'll--' Alucard's eye widened in horror as Walter whispered seductively into his ear,
"Let's have sex." Alucard tried to get Walter off, but failed..again.
"SERAS! PLEASE, FOR ALL THAT IS SACRED, GET WALTER OFF OF MEEEEEE!" Seras smiled and proceeded to pull
Walter with all her might. Pip stopped laughing long enough to help. Walter held on to Alucard like there was no tommorow, and he was pretty damn strong for his age, but the three of them succesfully pulled him off, Alucard pushing.
Walter threw himself on the floor in front of Alucard, sobbing. Alucard got up and backed up as far away from him as possible without fazing through the wall. He tried to jump back onto Alucard, but Seras and Pip held him back. Alucard's face was horror stricken, and he said to himself,
"Why is it always me?"
Meanwhile..
Integra was working quietly, when she heard Alucard screaming for help. Something about 'sacred' and 'Walter'. But she heard a 'please' and she knew something was wrong. She hesitantly got up from her desk and walked swiftly, following the noises she was hearing to the kitchen where she found Pip and Seras holding back a Walter who was sobbing and obviously trying to get to Alucard, who looked like he had been violated...again. She slowly walked towards Walter and put a hand on his shoulder.
"Walter..are you alright?" Walter suddenly stopped trying to get to Alucard and slowly looked up at Integra. Pip and Seras loosened their grip since Walter had calmed down. Bad move. When he saw Integra, his eyes filled with passion, and he jumped out of Seras's and Pip's grip and swept Integra off her feet, bridal style. Then he ran out of the kitchen throwing things behind him to distract Seras, Pip, and Alucard. Alucard ran after him, then--SQUISH. He stepped on the muffin Walter had taken a bite out of. He frowned when he realized what had caused Walter's behavior. Seras and Pip were going to run after Walter, when Alucard grabbed them both by their shirts and pulled them back.
"You two...are going to tell me everything you know about this, or else..." Alucard said in the gravest, most intimidating voice he could do. Seras and Pip both gulped in fear and nodded their heads, making Alucard smirk triumphantly.
"Sh-Shouldn't we be going after Sir Hellsing..?" Stuttered Pip, making Alucard glare at him.
"She can handle herself against Walter for a while..should it really take that long to tell me all you know?" Alucard said, raising an eyebrow. Seras looked at Pip and said, hesitantly,
"Know your enemy...I guess..?" Alucard smirked and dragged the two of them off.
With Integra..
"Walter, I demand you put me down at once!" Exclaimed Integra, trying to squirm out of Walter's surprisingly firm grip. Integra gave him her best 'I'm sooooo going to kill you' glare, but he didn't even look at her. He just kept his head up, sprinting up the stairs and into Integra's room.
'This can't be good...' Integra thought as Walter headed over to the bed. She started beating his chest with her fists, hoping he'd drop her so she could make a run for it.
'Bloody hell, his chest is hard!' she thought. Walter smiled and placed her on the bed carefully.
'Finally, time to get the hell o--OH, HELL NO..' She said as he tackled her on her bed and started kissing her neck. She tried to push him off, but, yet again, she failed in doing so. She frantically looked around the room to pry him off when, she spotted it. She had left a glass of water on her nightstand that, surprisingly, Walter hadn't gotten to. She reached out her hand to grab it..
'Shit. If only I could move a little..' She tried to scoot a little when Walter said to her,
"I'm not going to let you get away from me.." She glared, but then that dissappeared and said,
"Nonsense..I was...I was just trying to get a glass of water...you're making me.." The words tasted so sour, I mean, it's...Walter. "..awfully...hot..darling.." she twitched when she said it, because Walter let out a low, sensual growl that made her want to beat him even more than she already did. He loosened his grip so she could scoot to get her glass. She reached for the glass, not taking her eyes off Walter, and hit him in the face with what was really...a lamp.
'Urgh...I liked that lamp, too..' She punched his nose, pushed him off, and dashed out of the room, not looking back.
Meanwhile(So many meanwhiles...I need a new word! D: )...
"..And so...that's how that happened.." Said Seras, as she finished explaining about Muffin. Pip had fallen asleep as Seras was talking, and was snoring rather loudly.
"...Well...that's wha--" Alucard was interrupted by an extremely loud snore. He glared evilly in Pip's direction and Seras nudged him to wake up.
"Wh-Who's your daddy..?" Pip said sleepily as he was being awoken. "Are you done explaining yet? You really.." Pip yawned, "...dragged it out.." Seras rolled her eyes. Alucard smirked.
"So...if you think about it...it's all your fault for me being violated, Police Girl." Seras blinked.
"S-So it would seem. I'm really sorry...ca-can I make it u-up to you?" she stuttered. She knew what was coming. Alucard smirked and said,
"Yes...yes, you can." Seras twitched. He looked her body up and down, a lustful look in his eyes. She looked away from him and noticed Pip glaring daggers at her master.
"You gonna ask her to do something dirty?" Pip said with a hint of jealousy and coldness in his voice. Seras looked at the ground and shuffled her feet. She didn't want her master do ask her to do something dirty. Hell, she didn't want anyone to ask her to do something dirty, period. Alucard said,
"What did you have in mind, Captain Bernedette?" Pip glared even sharper daggers at him and trudged out of the room, leaving Seras and Alucard alone. Seras didn't look at him. She seemed to be absorbed with her feet again. Alucard looked at the ceiling, obviously thinking of something for Seras to do. Then, she thought of it.
"Hey, I shouldn't owe you anything, because I got walter off of you!" She smirked.
"Yeah, after I begged you to, and plus, that was only once. I got violated two times." He said. Her smirk was wiped off her face. They sat in silence.
'I have to get out of here...the akwardness is killing me! Well...I'm already dea...oh, nevermind! I'll just--'
"Leave?" Seras was interrupted in mid-thought by her master, yet again.
"Dammit! Fucking stay out of my thoughts!" Seras yelled and got up to leave. Then she felt that sense of her doom coming ever so fast. She gulped and began to slowly make her way to the door. Alucard was glaring so hatefully at her now, she could just feel it. "I-I'm sorry!" She squeaked, fearfully. Then she quickly dashed out of the room, leaving Alucard to himself.
'You can't keep running away from me, Seras.' he thought.
'You can't keep being such a dick, Master.' This made him jump.
"..The fuck!" he exclaimed. He looked around the room for Seras. "...Damn..."
Wiiith Pip...
Pip sat sulking on a counter in the kitchen. Alucard would make her do something naughty and, chances are, she'd be enthusiastic about it. He munched on a cookie as he sat. Then, he noticed a muffin lying on the floor. Strawberry.
'Ehh...what do I care? It's Just a muffin..' he thought. Then, Seras walked into the kitchen, a flustered look about her. Pip frowned.
"That was quick. So, what naughty things did you do, huh?" he said, coldly. Seras walked over and sat next to him on the counter.
"He didn't make me do anything because I got my ass out of there before he could do anything to me." She said. Pip was filled with relief with this.
"So...you don't...y'know...have a crush on Alucard, or anything?" Seras blushed gave him a surprised look.
"Where did you get the idea I'd have a crush on him?"
"Well...you seem kind of..quiet around him all the time." He said, blushing a bit. She smiled.
"That's because he's very intimidating. I'm kind of scared of him. But.." she quieted a little, blushing, "Since we're...on the subject of crushes I..have to confess a little..something.." Pip blushed a light shade of pink. Him? Maybe..he was quite handsome. Walter? Nah, too old. Sir Integra? Now, there's something to listen to.
"See...while you were going crazy because of the muffin you ate...I had a dream..and..well..." She blushed. "..We sort of..ki--" She was cut off by a scream that sounded like Integra's.
Integra's just having SO much fun..hehe...
Sir Hellsing had been hiding in a broom closet in her office, and Walter hadn't found her...at least, not until now. Walter opened the closet door and jerked Integra out before she could jump back into the closet further. He held her close to him, and she felt something poke her. Something DOWN THERE.
"That had better be your belt buckle, Walter.." She hissed. He smiled and said,
"It's anything you want it to be, babe." Then he pushed his face closer to hers, and she saw this and resisted.
'I'm getting tired of this damn nonsense..' she thought and took in a deep breath.
"UAAAAAHHHHHHH! ALUUUUUUCAAAAAAAAARRRRD!"
Meanwhile, with Alucard(Obviously..)
He had been following around a maid with a long, brunette braid going down her back, who was trying her hardest to avoid his creepy leer, when..
"UAAAAAHHHHHHH! ALUUUUUUCAAAAAAAAARRRRD!" Which made him, and the maid, jump. The maid heard this and said,
"T-That sounded like Sir Hellsing...this place is bloody nuts!" Alucard rolled his eyes and said,
"Well, duh. You thought it was going to be normal here?" Then, he sped up the stairs. On the top stair he came to a hault and said,
"What the hell am I doing?" Then he fazed into Integra's office to find Walter kissing Integra, who was kicking and punching Walter to no end, and Pip and Seras were trying to pry Walter's face from Integra's, as well as Walter's body from Integra's. Seras looked up and said,
"Took you long enough, Master!" Alucard glared at her, then went up and punched Walter, as hard as he could, in the head. Walter went flying across the room, and crashing out a window.
"OH, MY GOD, WALTER!" Seras screamed, and rushed over to the broken window. Integra glared at Alucard and smacked him upside the head.
"ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL MY EMPLOYEES, YOU BLOODY GIT!" She yelled.
"It got him off, didn't it?" Alucard said, a glare on his face, as well. They all rushed to the window and saw Walter getting up and brushing himself off.
"Good heavens, why am I here?" he said, feeling all the scratches and gashes on his face and forehead.
"Walter, are you all right?" Integra yelled down to him. He looked up and yelled back,
"Yes, but I'm wondering why I'm down here.."
"I know why.." Alucard said, looking at Pip and Seras, who both looked at their feet. Integra looked from Alucard, to Pip, to Seras.
"You three have some explaining to do.." She said icily and sat down at her desk, motioning for them to get out, "After I've finished this damned paperwork." So, Seras and Pip walked out the door. Alucard smirked at Integra.
"So...we're alone...what to do..?" he said, twiddling his fingers, smirking at Integra, who put down her pen and glared icily at Alucard.
"Get the hell OUT, BLOODY MORON!" Then Alucard quickly fazed out of the room, leaving Integra to smile triumphantly at her paperwork. When she noticed something purple flash through the room and through the wall. She stared for a minute and said,
"I must be loosing my bloody mind.."
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Heh, more OOCness! So, did you like it? If so, yay! If not...well...you didn't have to read it. -smiles- But, I'm thinking of adding that maid as an OC for an extra muffin devouring, randomness loving, forced kissing person! If you think that's a good idea, tell me in your comment! So, this concludes the second chapter of TMTOI! Hope you enjoyed it! -Waves bye and buries face into pile of papers-