AN: This chapter will just cover Emily and Reid. The next chapter will cover the conversation between Hotch and Emily. The chapter I was writing was getting long and this part was done so I decided to post this part.

TW: mentions of drug use, self harm and death of a child

Emily was running late for her appointment with Alicia after being stuck in traffic. Glancing at her watch, she grabbed her bag from the seat next to her and locked the car as she was walking towards the building.

She checked in at the front desk after walking into the building before walking down the hall to the waiting room. Distracted, she walked right into Spencer. Surprised as she looked up to apologize instead said, "Reid?"

Spencer looked at her embarrassed before he replied, "just finishing my appointment with Dr Nelson. Emily, can we talk?"

Before Emily could reply she saw Alicia step out of her office and gestured to her. Emily nodded back to her in response before turning back to Spencer and responding, "of course but I can't right now."

Reid followed her line of sight and saw the older woman who he had come to learn was Emily's therapist further down the hall observing them. Nodding he nervously answered, "OK, sorry" before backing up to head towards the exit.

Emily sighed and shook her head. She already felt guilty that her distraction had allowed her to miss signs that he had been struggling. Then there had been her outburst in Texas followed by tension between them after his concerning actions to get their suspect to surrender later on that case. Her initial anger had within hours turned to concern about the risk he had taken and worry about his mindset.

Now he was trying to talk to her and she was putting him off again. Before he could leave, she said, "Spencer give me an hour or so and then I have the rest of the evening free. Want to get dinner?"

At his agreement, she continued, "OK good. We'll plan on that. I'll send you a message when I'm done and we can decide where to meet and then we can talk." before turning and making her way down the hall.

Reid watched her go until the door closed after she entered the office he had seen her therapist standing near. It was then that he let out the breath he didn't realize he had been holding since he realized who he had bumped into in the hall.

He had been trying for the last few days to work up the courage to talk to Emily starting shortly after the team returned from Texas. He knew he owed her an explanation as well as an apology. Now that he had briefly spoken to her and knew that she was receptive to a conversation he was hesitant to leave fearing something would come up if he did.

With no other plans for the evening, Spencer walked into the waiting room and took a seat. He hoped she didn't mind that he would just wait for her to be done and that they could leave together.

####

Emily felt herself dragging as she walked out of Alicia's office. It had been a long and exhausting though beneficial session for her that had her tired but seeing many aspects of her life more clearly. It was clarity she would need before she could talk to Hotch.

But first she needed to talk to Spencer. She had felt guilty about going off on him at the precinct on their last case. Going into that case they all knew going in that he was off. It also wasn't a secret that bullying was a sensitive topic for him in general.

She had meant to talk to him and apologize for unloading on him about her own experiences. That was until he didn't tell anyone that he had figured out Owen Savage was coming to the station until he was walking up to him putting Emily as the only LE in the station guarding not only the girl who they had convinced to get away from their suspect but also the civilians working in the station. It had put her in a difficult position should the kid react poorly to Reid's efforts for him to surrender. It had taken some time for her to work through her own feelings before she trusted herself to talk to him.

As she was walking towards the exit, she pulled out her phone and started to type in the message to him. Focused on that she almost missed him in the waiting room until the motion from him popping up in his seat as she passed caught her eye.

She stopped as an automatic reaction to the motion just after the intensity of her therapy session. When she did, she did a double take at who it was there waiting for her. As she looked over at him, Reid slowly walked towards her after shyly waving as he came up in front of her.

"Have you been here the whole time?" Emily asked though she was certain by looking at him that he had. She had hoped to have a few minutes to digest what she had discovered during the session on the drive before meeting with Reid tonight for dinner.

Reid nodded and replied nervously, "yeah, I didn't have other plans. And you gave me a chance to talk to you after what I did. I'm sorry Emily."

As Emily looked at him she saw the uncertainty on his face before she answered, "I was always willing to talk to you. I just didn't trust myself until a few hours after we got back from Texas. And I wanted to make sure you were ready.

I promised I was going to call you tonight. That was the message I was just sending just now. I know things have been strained between us recently but I wouldn't have said I would call unless I planned on following through with that promise." as she showed him the display on her phone.

Reid looked down and nodded. Before he said anything Emily stepped over next to him and patted his shoulder before she continued, "come on. It's late. Let's get pizza from that place you like. We can go to yours if that's OK and talk after we eat."

While she was becoming more at ease with the idea that she wasn't in danger after the staged photo of Declan, she wasn't ready to have anyone important to her at her apartment just yet. That was a topic that she had covered with Alicia that she still needed to process.

With Reid's nod of approval of the plan, they walked out together with some of the tension that had been between then gone.

####

Emily took a sip of her beer after finishing her slice of pizza. She was taking it slow as she wanted to stay clear headed for this conversation as well as for the drive home later. Spencer had called in their order so the pizza and beer had been waiting for them when they arrived at the restaurant.

After arriving at his apartment, Emily quietly observed his space while he gathered plates and glasses for them. She sighed in relief that while his environment was cluttered, it was what she had come to expect from him. It was further confirmation that while he was struggling, he wasn't using. And if she had anything to do about it, he would continue to not use Dilaudid.

As she put her beer down, Emily looked over at him and said sincerely, "I'm sorry Spencer. When you first told me about the Dilaudid last year, I promised to support you and I feel that recently I have failed you. Somewhere along the line you started to struggle and I wasn't there to help you."

Spencer shook his head as he answered, "you didn't fail me Emily. I never would have gotten to this point without your help. And I'm far enough into my recovery that I should be able to reach out when I need help. But you are right. I have been struggling since California when the UNSUB was killed in front of me."

"That long?" Emily answered, angry with herself for how oblivious she had been.

"Yes."

Emily shook her head as she considered what he just said before asking, "why didn't you come to me? Please tell me you have been seeing Dr Nelson."

Reid sighed before answering, "it didn't all come to me at the same time. I wasn't in a good place and wasn't ready to talk about it. When the draw to the Dilaudid started I didn't want to come to you or go to Hotch. I didn't want to pull either of you in any further if I couldn't stop and started using again."

She sighed. She knew what she had been during the previous year when she agreed to help him as well as the potential consequences if the FBI discovered what she had concealed. It defeated the purpose of being his support if he felt he couldn't come to her when he needed it because of those consequences. They would need to address that but now was not the time. Something else he had just said had her worry skyrocketing.

After taking a deep breath, she asked as calmly as she could while terrified of the answer, "did you? Use again?"

"No." Reid replied, shaking his head.

Emily let out the breath she had been holding as she answered, "good. What steps have you been taking since you started thinking about it?"

"I started meeting with Dr Nelson again when I started to feel the urges. I increased it to several days a week after Texas. That is why I was there today. I know I said before that I didn't want to go this route but also found a support group. It is specific for law enforcement which addressed my concerns about joining a public group with random people I don't know. That is where I was when we got called into the case in Texas."

Emily nodded at his explanation as she put the pieces together of what he just shared with her impressions of him that night along with Hotch's reaction. Leaning forward, she said, "that is why Hotch couldn't reach you and why you were late." She paused as he nodded while still looking down and away from her before continuing, "Spencer that is great. I take it that you are finding the support group helpful."

Emily noticed his shoulder relax before he glanced over at her and answered softly, "yes." before they discussed his decision and how he found this particular group. He did not share any specific details about the group or his talk to John nor was she expecting him to reveal details. It was enough to hear that he was finding the experience helpful. He did however share the comment Hotch made on the plane about 'finishing his movie'.

As he finished his explanation, Emily was filled with guilt. She hadn't been there for him and having heard his recent struggles would regret it for a long time. She had been trying to protect him from her life and failed him. But she wouldn't any longer.

Turning to him, Emily asked, "what can I do? Do you want me to start staying here with you?"

Reid had seen the anxiety and guilt cross her face as he had spoken. While he understood why but now that he was improving, he wanted for them to find a way forward. Also he hadn't missed that she was battling something in her own life and didn't want to add any unnecessary stress.

After taking a deep breath, he shook his head before he answered, "no. At least not for now. Between the support group and seeing Dr Nelson, I'm improving. Can we just talk more and check in with each other as we did before?"

"Of course. Whatever you need." Emily replied quietly. While him working to find resources to aid in his own recovery had always been a goal, she couldn't let the guilt go yet for not being there for him.

Her thoughts were interrupted when Reid blurted out, "you've been struggling too. For a while now." It wasn't a question but a statement. The question now was would she open up to him.

Emily looked down at her lap silently for a couple of minutes before quietly saying, "yeah."

Recognizing the significance of that admission, Reid didn't respond right away as he wondered if she would expand on the answer. After some time had passed and she hadn't said anymore he continued, "I'm sorry I didn't notice until after what you said outside the precinct in Texas."

He could see Emily tense up as he said it before she glanced over at him embarrassed as she stated, "I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am for going off on you like that. And in the middle of a case."

Reid nodded at that uncharacteristic behavior as he explained, "I know. That's what clued me in that you were struggling. Do you want to talk about it?"

She couldn't mention anything about what was going on with her and Hotch. Their connection was complicated and any information shared would lead to more questions. Besides, she respected Hotch enough to know she needed to talk to him first. And with Doyle stuff, she didn't want the team anywhere near that part of her life.

Emily shook her head before answering, "no. At least not yet. I've just been working on some old demons."

The pained appearance that crossed her face before she answered his question did not escape Reid's notice. He was disappointed but not surprised at her reluctance to tell him what was troubling her. But he also had come to learn how private of a person she was over the last year.

Before he could say anything a piece of information that he had learned when he had been staying with her came to mind. Looking at her he calmly asked, "have you been?" When she looked at him questioningly, he continued, "cutting?"

He knew he had been correct when he saw her face briefly fall before she looked away. However he also was certain it was not the only issue she was struggling with right now. More than likely a way she was trying to cope with whatever else was going on in her life.

He was brought out of his thoughts when she suddenly started, "yeah. A few times but not lately. It's why I've increased my sessions recently as well. Not only because I was but to work on the demons that got me to that point."

Emily had struggled more than she expected about the staged pictures of Declan that were taken to send to Doyle's interrogators. She had spent most of her career working to protect children. It had messed with her head particularly at the beginning to have the pictures out there of her with a gun seemingly not only hurting but killing a child which is when she started cutting again.

It had taken help to make a mental shift for her to stop cutting and accept that the picture didn't tell the whole story and that she had protected Declan by this extreme approach. And it was because of her efforts as well as a small group of others that ensured that Declan was still alive and safe in his new life.

Reid nodded as she had just confirmed what he had suspected. Aware of the difficult relationship between the two women he then asked, "is it your mother again?"

Emily gave him a brief smile before adding, "no, not this time. Thankfully I haven't heard from the Ambassador for a few months now. Not since I moved apartments. I believe she and her husband are in Europe now."

Emily paused before she added, "I've missed our talks."

Reid looked up from where he sat nervously on the couch. It was reassuring to him that she had been missing their friendship as well. He replied, "me too. Even in the office we haven't been for a while. At least not like we used to." Emily had been one of the few people who had been able maintain conversations with him on multiple subjects and actually seemed to enjoy it.

Emily nodded from her seat before answering, "I know. I want us to work on it."

Before Reid could reply, their phones both beeped. Emily pulled hers out of her pocket and stated, "it looks like that will need to wait." as they both read the message sent.

"Yeah. A message from JJ this late can only mean a case."

Emily waited as Reid completed a couple of tasks and then they walked out of his apartment to head back to the BAU both feeling more at peace with the status of their friendship. For Emily it was one needed conversation done while the more complicated and challenging one was still to come.