Chapter Six – Loneliness
I had some really bad days in the period between Dad's announcement and him actually moving out. I would wake up in the morning with my head banging, and then I would feel ill and often faint all day. It must have seemed like I was in a bad mood to most people, but the truth was that I was struggling to cope with everything that was going on, and I wasn't exactly feeling my best, so I was just letting everyone and everything get to me.
I would walk home from school, and I still can't express how incredibly lonely I was feeling. All I wanted to do was run away, hide and cry, yet I couldn't because I was the strong one, and if I had broken down just then, I really don't know how my Mum would have coped. I'll admit that I wasn't worried about myself at that point; it was Mum who concerned me. The worst time was probably when the friend who I walked home from school with was on holiday, because I had nobody to talk to as I don't have anyone else who walks the same way. And even if there was, I wouldn't have confided in them because the only people I could begin to trust then were my two best friends – one being the person who I would walk home with. Unbelievable as it may seem, the rest of my friends hadn't even noticed that anything seemed unusual about me, they didn't even realise that there was something wrong. And it was this that made me feel more lonely than I already felt with the distance between the members of my family.
2am – Pendragon
It's 2am and it's raining again
And I'm feeling tired in my heart
And I can't shift it out again
And I know about the way it feels
And I know just what it entails
And we take our positions on the firing line
It's nearly time
It's raining again and I feel like I'm playing a part
From the start and I feel like I'm taking apart
The way it's been going
When their money can talk and the rain won't stop
And your glory days have taken a beating
Stick around for your fortune and fame
Put your hours in the bank of no interest claim
In '49 when the gold rush came now it's 2001
Some things never change
Talk to me insecurity as it bleeds me
But got this fire that burns
Got a heart that just never learns
And the fortune and the fame
Looking back upon the days when the band couldn't play
Take it all
So wake up stay up you look wonderful
Wake up take up
Got a bitter little cocktail of our weaknesses and faults
And we trampled it in the mud till it was emotional pulp
It's 3am and it's raining again
And I'm feeling tired
Felt a little bit lucky, had a cease-fire for the night
My magazine was running dry