Love Him in My Absence

Chapter 6: Back to Square One

Her small bag was stuffed with books, but that wasn't unusual. She spent most of Sunday scouring her personal library for potions texts that contained any mention of potions or ingredients that would shed light on the difficult potion Professor Snape was trying to perfect. Her hopes were high at the onset of the search, but with a lack of applicable information in the first three textbooks, she trudged through the remainder with a dampened spirit. She did not find anything astounding or surprising. Most of the pieces of information she culled were bits that she would have remembered offhand, anyway.

Nevertheless, she packed all of the books with even small pieces of information into her bag and toted them to work with her on Monday morning. Her idea was to impress Snape with her dedication and passion for research. Even if nothing in the books was able to shed any light on the potion, he would still see she wanted to help and was willing to spend her free time researching for or with him. Saturday was wonderful, and she hoped that many of her Saturdays in the future would be spent in amiable and insightful conversation with Professor Snape. His company was enjoyable as long as he refrained from the horrible insults and vicious commands at every turn.

He was slicing a root beside his cauldron when she walked into the lab. She swung the bag onto the countertop across from him and bid him a good morning. "Do you ever stop working?" Hermione asked him with a smile.

"Do you ever stop asking questions?" he shot back in the usual tone that warned of his annoyance.

Hermione faltered, but brushed the tone of voice off on his morning grumpiness. Things would be better once she got him talking; she was sure of it. "I've brought you some books. I'm sure you have most of them, but I have marked the appropriate pages in my copies."

Snape stopped slicing and looked up at her. He appeared utterly exhausted. Despite the lively conversation on Saturday, she had to admit that he looked nearly as bad then as he did this morning. His skin was so pale it was nearly translucent. His eyes were red and the dark circles were still beneath them.

Hermione pulled her eyes away from him and concentrated on pulling the books out. "I did a bit of research yesterday about the potion you've been working on. Two heads are better than one, right?"

"I never agreed to your assistance on this endeavor, nor do I believe I need it. Put your silly books away and purge those thoughts from your mind. I hired you to brew potions at my request. As such, your list is next to the cauldron over there." He pointed a long finger over his shoulder at her usual spot. There was a fresh piece of parchment beside the black cauldron.

Hermione felt her stomach drop. So, we're back to square one then, she thought. His voice was cold and clinical. There was none of the subdued passion of Saturday when he had been discussing his research. After getting a glimpse of that side of him, it was all the more difficult to endure this one. She felt he was putting on an act for her in an effort to push her away from his research, and Hermione was not sure why he felt it necessary.

"Sir, I would never think of neglecting my daily duties. I simply want the opportunity to assist in your research. I..."

"That's quite enough, Miss Granger," Snape said, cutting her off and returning to the sliced root in front of him. "Put your text books away and begin your work. I don't want to hear any more of your foolish ideas."

She opened her mouth to respond, but a sharp glare from his dark eyes made the retort wither away in her throat. Hermione shoved the books back in the satchel with stiff, jerky movements and walked over to her workstation with as much dignity as she could muster. At that moment she found him the foulest, cruelest, most detestable man on the planet. She thought it no wonder that he never had visitors. No one liked associating with a stubborn, hateful, man and he was very much that.

In an effort to calm herself and keep her mind on the task at hand, she made a conscious effort to think only of the potion in her cauldron. Thinking of Snape and his temperament that ran lukewarm and cold would only serve to stir her up into anger or self-pity – anger that he was such a horrible prat to her and self-pity that she had to endure his moods.

She took lunch at the usual time, but he did not give her as much as a nod of acknowledgement when she excused herself. Apparently, she wasn't even worth a cordial gesture or word when she left the room. After their extended conversation on Saturday, she believed she had earned at least that from him. It was obvious that he did not share her thoughts on the subject.

The Three Broomsticks was fairly busy, and Hermione found herself jostled through the door with several other patrons eager to grab a bite to eat. Just after she had ordered and opened the Arithmancy book she had brought with her, she saw Ginny Weasley enter the room. By some unspoken connection forged from going through so much together, they locked eyes simultaneously. Ginny beamed a huge smile at her and hurried over to the table.

"Hermione! I didn't expect to see you here. Ron says you're working for Snape," Ginny said, giving Hermione a quick embrace.

Hermione gestured to a chair across from her, and Ginny sat down. "Yes, I am. He has a place on the outskirts of Hogsmeade. It's a nice walk here, and I can unwind after the morning's work. How have you been?"

"Good. St. Mungo's is busy, but that's nothing new, really. The cutbacks on the staff have put a strain on us. People retire, but the Ministry never sees fit to approve new Healers to fill their positions."

Hermione smiled. "They're lucky they have you around. You probably do the work of three people each day."

"Don't I wish it were possible, though? How is it working with...Snape?" Ginny said his name with equal parts reservation and disgust. Professor Snape did not have many admirers, and, at the moment, Hermione couldn't find it within herself to feel sorry for him at all. He was certainly reaping what he had sown.

She shrugged. "It's tolerable. I'm sure that it will look great on my resume."

"Is he still..."

"Horrible?" Hermione asked. "Without a doubt. He hasn't changed one bit since school." She stopped herself when she remembered Saturday. "Actually, sometimes he's a pleasure to be around, but those times are few and far between."

The waitress came to take Ginny's order before leaving them alone to resume their conversation. "So, are you dating anyone? I asked Ron, but you know how he is. If it doesn't involve him, then he's clueless. Quiddich and girls are the two most important things in his life."

Hermione laughed and took a sip of her pumpkin juice. "I haven't dated anyone since Gavin, and that was over a year ago."

"More than that," Ginny said, disagreeing. "You had that fight at the Valentine's Day party, and that was almost two years ago."

Hermione covered her face with her hands. "Oh, that was so horrible. I wish I could go back and erase the entire incident, and maybe erase Gavin too. It was a car crash just waiting to happen."

The food arrived, and they both began eating. After a few minutes of companionable silence, Ginny took a drink and spoke up agan. "We've got this new Healer on staff. It was some special exchange program with the Ministry in France. We sent one of ours there, and they sent one of theirs here. He's... interesting. You should let me set you up with him."

Hermione nearly dropped her fork. "Like a blind date?"

Ginny was quick to dispel Hermione's thought. "No, not at all. It would just be me introducing the two of you and sending you off to spend some time together."

"No." Hermione's answer was firm and left no room for argument, but that didn't stop Ginny from pursuing the idea.

"He's gorgeous, he's smart, he's single, and his accent is dreamy."

"Ginerva Weasley, I said no and I mean it. You are not setting me up."

Ginny shook her head and went back to her food. She knew there was no way to talk Hermione into something when she was like this. "You really do need to get out more."

"I get out quite enough, thank you," Hermione said hotly, spearing a potato with her fork.

"Ron and Harry say they haven't seen you in over two weeks."

"I've been busy."

"Busy doing Snape's bidding? I think spending too much time with him would kill anyone's social life," Ginny said.

Hermione frowned. She felt the urge to defend her employer, but a large part of her felt he deserved the scathing comments after the way he'd been acting toward her. "I don't want to talk about it, Ginny. I've just been immersed in work lately. I'm not avoiding anyone, really."

"I know." Ginny nodded her head and pushed her food around on the plate. "I really do wish you'd let me introduce you to Robert."

"Robert?"

"The Healer from France."

Hermione frowned a second time. "Thank you, but no thank you. I don't think I'm ready to be thrown to the lions just yet."

"Dating is not a pit of lions, Hermione," Ginny replied with a laugh.

When Hermione returned to the cottage, she found that it was empty. This came as some surprise since Snape always seemed to be tirelessly working. A small piece of parchment was at her workstation.

Miss Granger,

I'll be out for the remainder of the day. You may leave once all of your potions are completed. The wards to my house are spelled only for your entrance, so refrain from inviting any of your reprehensible friends over to gawk at my private space.

S. Snape

He just couldn't leave a short, neutral message. The jabs and insults had to be thrown in to elevate him above her. She was so frustrated with him that she wanted to scream. How was she to survive as his employee for more than a few weeks if he insisted on acting in such a childish manner?

Her annoyance at the tone of the note ebbed into speculation of where he went and why. All of the potions they had made recently were stored under the counters. She didn't notice any missing, so he couldn't be dropping off an order to one of the apothecaries. Hermione couldn't think of a single person that would desire his company, or one that he would seek out for company. She tried to ignore the small voice in the back of her mind that reminded her that she desired his company at times; not the company from this morning, but the company she found in him over the weekend.

She was beginning to doubt whether he'd act that way with her again. She didn't want to spend all day, every day with moody Snape when she could have a much more interesting companion in the real Snape who was passionate about knowledge and research.

His aloofness and cold disposition the day before carried over into Tuesday. Hermione attempted to cajole him into conversation several times before lunch, but he shut her down quite quickly. She was beginning to fall back into her despair over being trapped in a dead end job with an insult monger for a boss. The potions he had given her thus far this week were a step up from the potions of the previous week, but still nothing that challenged her like the lust potion last Friday had. She longed for him to impart that sort of knowledge to her, but it was painfully obvious that he had no intention of doing that whatsoever.

Lunch was uneventful, and Hermione was beginning to wonder if Ginny really was right as she slowly made her way down the path toward Snape's cottage. Perhaps she should get out more. She had only been working for Snape a little over a week, and she had fallen into a rut. Her time was spent at his house or her flat. She never went anywhere except for at lunchtime, and she hadn't seen her friends over two weeks. Her passion for potions had slowly taken over her life, even though she knew it wasn't healthy. Maybe Ginny's French Healer at St. Mungo's is free for dinner, Hermione thought. She shook her head and mentally laughed at herself as she arrived at Snape's door. She did not want to go on a date with a French Healer who worked with Ginny. She wanted Snape to be slightly nicer to her and involve her in more exciting potions endeavors. Unfortunately the chances of that happening were dwindling.

Hermione tossed her hair back over her shoulder as she entered the lab. Snape was standing at his cauldron with a small dropper in his hand. The liquid inside was light brown, and it sizzled as it hit the potion in the cauldron. Her eyes trained on his hand while he squeezed a small number of drops out. It was easy to see from her position at the door that his hand was shaking. Snape had the steadiest hands Hermione had ever seen, but at that moment they were trembling uncontrollably – so much so that Hermione was afraid he would drop the entire dropper into the brew.

"Are you just going to stand in the doorway, Miss Granger?" Snape said. "I believe there are a number of assignments still on your list."

Despite his violently shaking hand, his voice was still stern and as cold as ever. She removed the concern for him from her head and was careful to avoid stepping near him as she walked over to her work area. This turned her back to him and his trembling hand. For some reason, the sight had affected her greatly. She had gone through her years considering him untouchable. Professor Snape did not shake while making potions; he was always cool and precise with a steady hand and quick reflexes.

Moments after beginning a simple engorgement potion, she heard a gasp from behind her. She whirled around to find Professor Snape backing up from the cauldron. The half-empty jar of mermaid scales in his hand fell to the floor and shattered just as the cauldron bubbled over and quenched the fire burning beneath it. Hermione glanced toward her former professor, but he was standing immobile, watching the scene play out with a stunned expression on his face. When she turned her eyes back to the cauldron, the potion was slowly, but surely, melting the metal of it and dripping onto the floor.

With a quick flourish of her wand, Hermione banished the noxious liquid and deposited the mangled cauldron in the sink. "Sir, are you well?" she asked, walking toward Snape with an extended hand. She meant to touch his shoulder to gain his attention, but he recoiled and swept out of the room before she could.

Hermione considered completing her current potion before seeking him out. She even considered leaving him be and not seeking him out at all. However, she found that she was turning into a glutton for punishment. She continued to come back to Snape for more insults and snide comments in hopes that she would eventually gain his respect.

After placing a quick stasis charm on her potion, she ventured into the house in search of him. If he had retreated to his bedroom or study then she would leave him. Those were places she had never been invited into and were therefore off limits to her. After only a few moments of searching, she found him in the kitchen. He was seated at the small table with a glass of water in front of him. His forehead was resting in his palm, and his long fingers were threaded through his dark hair.

"What's the matter, Professor?" Hermione asked in a small voice.

"Nothing," he replied in a bland voice. "Leave me be. You have work to do."

This didn't deter her. She stepped into the room and pulled out the chair across from him to sit down. "How long has it been since you've eaten?"

Snape finally pulled his head away from his hand and looked up at her. "What does it matter?"

"I don't think you've been eating properly, Professor. You're exhausted, and your body has no food – no fuel – to keep it running."

His eyes darkened, and his lips thinned out even more than they usually were. "Mind your own business, Miss Granger. I don't need a nurse. I'm quite capable of taking care of myself. Get out of my kitchen and return to work before I throw you out of my home."

Hermione opened her mouth to respond, but his chilly look made her think twice. She snapped her jaws shut and left the room without another word being uttered.

Once she was back in the lab, she continued her potion, but her mind was not on her work at all, it was on Professor Snape. He certainly made it difficult for one to care about him or worry about him. He was so mean to those around him that sympathy was near impossible to have. Despite that, Hermione found she worried over his health. She held him in high esteem after the battle had been won and his true intentions had been revealed. She did not want to sit back and watch him ruin himself by overworking and not eating properly, even if he professed to detest her help or sympathy.

Hermione was unsure of what Snape's reaction would be as she approached his house with the two containers of take-away from the Three Broomsticks. The lunch rush wasn't any more busy than usual, but she had worried over Snape all of Tuesday evening. She rose the next morning determined to help him whether he liked it or not. If he wouldn't go get something to eat on his own, then she would just bring it to him. A simple charm was keeping both containers warm while she carried them back to work.

She quietly entered the cottage and went directly to the kitchen to leave the food. After the plates were arranged on the table across from one another, she ventured back into the laboratory.

"Sir?"

"What now, Miss Granger?" Snape sighed, looking up from his notes.

"Rosmerta's was unusually busy today. I thought it might be better to bring my lunch back here. I got something for you as well." Hermione waited on a response, but got nothing. He dropped his eyes back down to the notes written in his elegant scrawl. She had been expecting annoyance from him, not indifference.

After an awkward moment of standing in the door and waiting for him to acknowledge her again, she went back to the kitchen with her head low. She felt like she was wasting her time, and he would never let her help him. She should have known he would be extremely resistant to even the idea that he didn't know best. And he calls me a know-it-all, she thought with a wry smirk on her face.

Hermione sat down in front of her plate of food and took a deep breath. If he hadn't deemed her worthy of his company by the time she finished her lunch, she would put a warming spell on his food and leave it for him. She was fairly sure that he would eat the meal after she left, but would be too stubborn to eat it while she was in the house.

Just as she raised the piece of fish to her lips, he entered the kitchen with his head down and his robes swishing behind him. Hermione had to fight to keep her jaw from dropping to the tabletop. She was definitely not expecting his company for lunch even though she had invited him.

"It's fish," she mumbled, watching him from her side of the table.

Snape made some non-committal noise and sat down across from her. He carefully spread a napkin over his lap before picking up the fork to eat. Silence reigned as they both ate. Hermione kept a close eye on him while he started out slowly, neatly cutting the tender fish with his fork. By the time he was halfway through his meal, Snape was shoveling the food into his mouth like a starving man. He finished several minutes before she did, and his plate was clean of everything, including the garnish on the side.

"You should eat more often, sir," Hermione said softly as she banished the take-away containers with a wave of her wand.

She looked up to see his eyes narrow at her. "I don't need a mother, Miss Granger. There's no need to tell me when or what I should eat."

"I was only –"

"I suggest you return to work if you want to finish your daily tasks before nightfall," Snape said, cutting Hermione off.

Hermione stood up so quickly that her chair nearly toppled over. Her fists were clenched tightly at her sides and her face was flushed with anger. How dare he treat me like this after all that I've done to help him, she thought as she watched him return her stare impassively. It was like he was daring her to explode.

She reigned in her temper and took a deep, calming breath. "Of course, Professor," Hermione replied through clenched teeth. She stiffly turned and left the kitchen.

The rest of the afternoon was spent in tense silence. Hermione allowed her anger over his rudeness to simmer at the forefront of her mind while she went through the motions of making a simple potion to combat insomnia. She knew that he was aware of her mood, but he made no mention of it. It was like he actually enjoyed having her anger directed at him.

The hours passed fairly quickly, and she suddenly realized that she was bottling her last batch of potions for the day. After a few cleansing charms, she grabbed her bag to leave for the day. She passed by Snape, taking long strides to the door of the room. Pressure on her shoulder made her stop and turn around. He was standing behind her with his slender fingers curled over her shoulder, pressing into the fabric of her blouse. The gesture surprised her so much she could think of nothing else to do but stand before him with her mouth hanging open.

He opened his mouth once, shut it, and then tried to force out sound again. "I don't believe I thanked you for the meal today, Miss Granger," he murmured under his breath, dropping his eyes to dart across the floor of the laboratory.

Hermione was in such shock that she was unable to respond.

"You may go now. We're done for the day." Snape removed his hand from her shoulder and turned around to face the lines of ingredients arranged on the shelves around his lab.

She shook her head and backed out of the room. Did Snape just thank me?

Author's Note: Big thanks to Snarkyroxy for being such a great beta. I'd be lost without her. Allyness and Jessica also deserve big props for lending my their eyes. And thank you to everyone who is reading and/or has left me comments regarding this fic. I truly appreciate everything you all have to say, even if it is just a simple pat on the back.