Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling is the proud owner and creator of Harry Potter, Voldemort and anything else you recognize. Not me.

The Quibbler: Special Edition

The Dark Lord Voldemort: The Genius Behind That (Hideous) Mask

Last week, The Lord Moste Evile, Tom "I am Lord Voldemort" Riddle sat down with the Quibbler, after kindly obliging to our letter requesting an interview. We (and so will you) got to get personal with this big bad wolf. Grr, eh? Or is it a hiss?

Surprisingly, His Darkness requested we conducted our interview outside in his garden. He had a little table and several chairs scattered around his (wonderful) flowerbed. As soon as we had all sat down, a house-elf had rushed to our sides, offering water. Who would have known this split-soul, barely human Lord offered such hospitality? Personally, we were expecting to be in a dark dungeon, tortured to death and sharing beds with a couple of giant rats. Soon after, we would have been probably driven to cannibalism since Lord Voldemort didn't offer any food……

Anyway, on with the questions!

"Is it hard being a Dark Lord?"

Voldemort stared at us for a few seconds. "No," he replied smoothly, "of course not. I mean, taking over Britain, magical and non-magical, managing financial costs, deciding what to terrorize next, plotting death and destruction, leading the Death Eaters, trying to find a suitable dental plan for them, performing malicious acts of evil, you know, the works. Quite easy, really."

Then he added, "I do hope you got the sarcasm on that."

"Uh, right. So, um, how exactly did you rise to power?"

"Well," he began, with a dreamy look in his eye, "it all started when I was a wee lad…"

Apparently, Tom Riddle was a big meanie. He terrorized little kids, sucked up to the teachers, performed Dark rituals, killed off some random people and got a couple of idiots to follow him and the rest is history…

"Is your hair slowly rising to power, too?" We had noticed the fine layer of fuzz on his head.

This did not go too well. He Crucio'd us until we were begging for our mothers and had wet our pants several times.

"Ow. Okay, okay. Right, next question. You were once a handsome man. What in Heaven's name happened?"

We shouldn't have said that, as it turned out. Voldemort's lower lip trembled and he said in a shaky voice, "Do you know what it's like having the girls all over you and then being hideous like me? What happened? WHAT HAPPENED? GO ASK SOMEONE ELSE, DAMMIT! I HATE BEING UGLY!"

A few moments and deep breaths later, everything was back to normal. "You do not like being called Tom, Tommy, or Hunny Bunny Tom-Toms. Why?"

His Dark Lord had flinched at the last name. "Tom, Tommy, so common…no, people must fear me to such extent as to fear thy very name. And," he lowered his voice to a whisper and beckoned us closer (we couldn't help notice the very feminine odor of strawberries around His person), "who told you the last one? It wasn't Bellatrix, was it?"

"We have our sources. So you actually like being called 'You-Know-Who' and 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named' and 'We-Do-Not-Speak-His-Name'?"

He shrugged. "Hey, I didn't make up those names. But yes, I guess." He paused and giggled at the rhyme. "Yeah, quite a mouthful, but hey, I'm not complaining."

"What about U-No-Poo?"

"Works very well, really. Amazing stuff. I tried it on Wormtail…."

"No, we meant people have started to call you that, too."

"WHAT! DAMN YOU, WEASLEYS! DAMN YOU, AND MAKE SURE YOU GO TO HELL YOU BAS—"

"Ahem, so, Lord 'You-Know-Who'—"

Voldemort cut in, looking puzzled. "No I don't know who. Who are you talking about?" After this comment he rolled on the floor laughing, shaking with Dark Laughter reserved for Dark Lords and children under the age of five.

"So, what kind of name is Voldemort?"

He grimaced. "Don't say my names, you weaklings. It means to fly death, morons. Haven't you taken Latin-French? Huh? Uneducated piglets."

"But why not Darth Vader or Sauron? So much more macho…"

"I met this robot/human thing at the pub the other night wearing a tight-ass mask and he had a sexy breathing noise. Wait, I meant scary breathing noise. Says his name was Darth Vader. Couldn't take it from that guy, he had this awesome suffocation thing going on with the Fart, or Ford, something like that. And last summer I went to this awesome place called Mordor, and their overlord (who was a great guy with the same occupation as mine) was named Sauron. Nope, both taken."

We were running out of questions as we ruffled through our papers. "Um, do you have any pets? I hear you like bunnies?"

His Supreme Bad Guy sighed. "I have a snake, her name's Nagini. If only she was a human and good-looking…..Alas, it is true. My love for bunnies is boundless. I always wanted a pink fluffy one, but Nagini kept eating them up whole. She's always jealous."

We were really running out of questions now. "Any advice for Dark Lords in making?"

He nodded gravely. "Kill people. Kill LOTS of people. Practice your evil laugh twice a day, once when you wake up for a good day and once before you go to bed, for a good night's sleep. Torture, blackmail, sucking up, and killing are good ways to get power. Bully people. Make them jump up and down on a piece of wood above a tank of sharks and make them pat their head and rub their tummies and sing, "God Save the Queen." It helps you relieve stress, torture people and gives you a good laugh. This is for you especially, Lucius and Snape…"

We were sweating. No more questions, and stuck with a psychopath. One of us blurted out, "Is it true you're having an affair with Bellatrix Lestrange?"

Voldemort grinned. "Yup, I've slept with her even though she's married. Then again, Nagini snuck up on us last night and scared the living shit out of Bella. Bella's a lot more cautious now and Nagini is always caressing me…."

That was too much. One of us hesitantly asked, "Your thoughts on Harry Potter?"

"Him?" hissed Voldemort. "Harry "I'm so great" Potter? I HATE HIM! HATE HIM, HATE HIM, HATE HIM! THAT SON OF A BITCH, THAT USELESS, HEROIC PIECE OF SHIT, THAT MOTHERFU—"

We hurriedly ran away. Very far away. The last sight of Voldemort was him throwing a teddy bear and crying, screaming obscenities and cuddling a house-elf.

Thank you very much for reading the Quibbler and hope you return next time, when we investigate on the magical, sensational, musical Inferi!

Please review, for Voldemort's and my sakes. The Quibbler would also like some feedback.