Chapter Six
When you're tied to feelings
When you're tied to feelings
When you're tied to feelings
When you're tied to feelings
Uh huh
Destiny,
Flying high above
All I know is that you can't realize
Destiny, who cares?
As it turns around
And I know that it descends down on me
It's just another day
The shame is gone
Try to believe they will not let it go
Let it go
Let it go
It's just a melody
That plays in me
Try to believe they will not let it go
Swamped (Lacuna Coil, Comalies)
There were several hours after that where Obi-Wan could hear his Master's cries of agony through the walls. Then, they just stopped. Upon investigation, he found Anakin laying on his bed, fingering a smooth river stone, his energy too spent to cry any longer. Obi-Wan approached the bed slowly.
"Master?" He questioned quietly.
"Yes?" Anakin started, snapping out of his reverie to look over his shoulder at the boy, quickly rubbing at the tear tracks, trying to make them less obvious. (As though Obi-Wan hadn't heard him.)
"Are you okay? Or, well…maybe 'okay' isn't the right word…'better' might fit more…" Anakin's crying had seriously unnerved him. He wanted his Master to be happy…more than anything else.
"I will be." He shrugged a little, summoning the energy to sit up, as though that would prove it. "I have to be." It wasn't a choice, at this point. He'd reached a climax of his misery, where he either got better or killed himself. He had to train Obi-Wan for Qui-Gon, so there he was.
Obi-Wan looked a bit unsure of what to say or do then. He shifted on his feet for a moment, before coming up and hugging the older man.
"It'll be okay, Master…it really will," he whispered.
Anakin smiled sadly, and hugged the boy back. He rested his chin on top of the child's fuzzy head.
"It has to be," he repeated softly. "What else do we possibly have, if it isn't okay?"
"I don't know. Each other, I suppose, Master."
"Well, that's something," the blonde snorted darkly, giving the boy another brief squeeze, before loosening his hold. He didn't quite release him. Obi-Wan didn't let go at all, though. His Master needed someone right now, and there was only him. Since that was the case, then by the Force, he was not going to leave him alone.
Eventually, the hours of crying caught up to him, and Anakin slid down into a lying position. It wasn't long before he fell asleep, Obi-Wan still held him close, even after he felt Anakin fall asleep. He sighed into the fabric of his Master's tunic, and slowly let his eyes slide closed. He felt warm here…needed…and, maybe even loved. His breathing soon became soft with sleep.
It was the next morning, when Anakin woke up again. He was a little surprised when he opened his eyes to a face full of shortly cut brown hair, too. Sitting up slowly, careful not to disturb the boy. Anakin eyed his apprentice for a moment. He hadn't expected Obi-Wan to still be there with him, it was rather pleasant that he was. The child shifted, curling up to his side. He relaxed then, though, and slept on.
Smiling gently, Anakin pulled the blanket over the boy, and crept out of bed. By the time Obi-Wan woke up, his Master was back at his side, looking over a datapad document, drinking tea from a mug. Obi-Wan yawned as he rubbed the sleepy crust from his eyes. He watched Anakin read the document for a long time, before he spoke. But, even then, he was quiet.
"Good morning, Master."
Anakin glanced at him, and grinned, nodding.
"Sleepyhead," he greeted teasingly. Obi-Wan smiled back.
"What time is it?" He asked.
Glancing at the little clock on the table, Anakin read the time off to him. It was past their usual breakfast time, and late enough for the Knights and Padawan's to be finished meditating. Anakin had no doubt that all the private training studios would be full. Obi-Wan was quiet for a few minutes, and then looked up at him. He turned onto his back.
"Should we work on telepathy, Master?" He offered. "We wouldn't have to leave the apartment, for that."
Offering the lad a grateful look, Anakin nodded and set the data-pad and tea down. Folding himself up into a position more conducive to meditation, he motioned for Obi-Wan to do the same. Obi-Wan sat up and copied his movements.
A little over an hour later, Anakin gave a signal to stop. It was time for Obi-Wan to get to class, after all.
"Try to tone down the hitting, for a while," he advised, walking his apprentice to the door. "Keep your head low, with Padawan Chun, until yesterday can blow over." Obi-Wan gave him another smile, and nodded.
"Yes, Master."
Once Obi-Wan was gone from the room, Anakin paced around for a few minutes, before grabbing his cloak and scurrying from the rooms. Yoda should be finished teaching his general form classes to the younglings, by now…Anakin felt a stab of guilt, for avoiding the Jedi who had been such a mentor to Qui-Gon, for so long…
The old Master was just finishing saying goodbye to the last of the younglings, when he felt Anakin approach. He greeted the Knight with as much of a smile as he had ever seen from the little troll.
"Pleased to see you, I am, young Skywalker," he said.
"Hello, Master." Anakin nodded to him. Masters rarely got missions during the first couple of years of their Padawan's training; it hadn't been particularly hard to avoid the Council members, most of the time. "It has been far too long, I apologize for that."
"Understood your reasons are. Sit, will you, and speak?"
"Yes, Master," Anakin agreed, following Yoda to his nearby private quarters. He took a seat on a meditation dais. Yoda looked at him calmly and waited for him to speak.
"I…" Anakin started jerkily, after several painfully long minutes of silence. "I need to know… How do you let go of the only person you've ever really had?" If anyone would know how to let Qui-Gon go, it would be Yoda. Plus, Anakin mused, if he played his cards right, he could get his answers without letting him know everything. Yoda hmmed, and closed his eyes in thought.
"Let go of his memory, you wish, so move on you can?"
"I don't want to forget him," Anakin struggled to explain. "I just…need to be able to exist without him… I can't have him back, so I need to be able to let him go."
"An obligation you have, but more than that this is," Yoda told him finally. "It is the 'more' that you must discover for yourself."
There went Yoda with his riddles, again… Anakin let out an exasperated sigh, and tried to stay calm. It would not do to criticize the wisest Jedi in the Order's advice.
"Yes, Master," he agreed finally.
"Aside from these matters, working out for you now, things are, young Skywalker?" Yoda wanted to know.
"For the most part," Anakin nodded slowly. The rumor mill had settled out a bit, over the past two years. He was brave enough to venture from his room more often…and, Obi-wan had obviously gotten over his getting beaten up, thing…
Yoda nodded.
"Maturing your young Padawan is. Very strong in the Force, he is becoming."
"It's most impressive," Anakin agreed with a small, wistful smile.
"Worried, many of the Council members were, when you took him as your Padawan," Yoda reminded him. "Pleased to see you have proved them wrong, I am."
"Them?" Anakin echoed, raising an eyebrow. "I remember that." He nodded, running his fingers through his hair. "You were among that count, if I remember correctly."
"Worried I was," Yoda replied. "But, also that you would do a good job, I knew."
"Dunno about that," Anakin snorted sardonically. "Not half the job Qui-Gon would have done with him."
"Compare yourself to your Master, you should not, young Skywalker," Yoda reprimanded him. "Feel I do not that young Kenobi would have flourished under Master Qui-Gon's teachings."
"If I could flourish under Qui-Gon, anyone can."
"Perhaps, but change my mind, you will not," Yoda told him emphatically.
"I know better than to try." Anakin shook his head in very mild amusement. "He came to me, you know." He chose to share at last. "Qui-Gon did. He came to me through the Force, yesterday."
Yoda's wise eyes met him.
"Felt him, I did. Of help to you, was he?" He wondered curiously. There was very little that happened in the Force that Master Yoda did not feel.
"Sooooort of…" The Knight drew the word out uncomfortably. Had it been good to see Qui-Gon again? Absolutely. Had he actually made Anakin feel any better? Not really, no…
"Mixed feelings, you have, young Skywalker."
"I miss him…" Anakin confessed, resting his face in his hands. He knew fell well what dangerous waters this conversation was treading into. "I feel…constantly lost, without his guidance. Knowing that he came, just to leave again, hurt!"
"That is what memories are for, Anakin." Yoda nodded, his ears twitching sympathetically. He could feel the still immense sorrow and mourning that this young man felt… Many of the Order did.
"But, it's not the same!" How many times would he have to say this, before people believe him? "He's not really there! It's like being trapped in a cage! You can see what you want, and almost touch it, but it's never really in your grasp! No matter how many memories I have of him, I can never really have him again!" He'd stood, at some point during his passionate little speech. It was only then that Anakin realized he'd been yelling. Forcing himself to calm again, he concluded in a somewhat softer tone. "I know attachment this deep goes against the code…but I wasn't ready to lose him yet, Master. Not like that. Never like that…"
"A test this is," Yoda told him calmly, unruffled by his outburst. "One you must, and will, overcome. Difficult the journey may be, but strong you are. Succeed you will."
Still unsure, but also unwilling to admit that, Anakin merely nodded mutely, and bowed to take his leave. He turned to the door, berating himself on how he should have known better than to come to Yoda. These were feelings no good Jedi would ever suffer, or could ever truly understand. As soon as he exited the room, it was like stepping into a different universe. His darkness was shoved aside in lieu of the laughter that greeted his ears, and the pounding of footsteps.
"Heads up, Master!" A familiar voice called, as an air disc flew toward him.
Holding up a deft hand, Anakin caught the disc, and turned to see who had called him, with the intention of offering the toy back. Obi-Wan smiled, jogging up.
"Hello, Master."
"Classes out already?" He wondered, tossing the disc back to his student. Had he really been with Yoda that long?
"Yes, Master," Obi-Wan answered, catching the disc and throwing it back to Bant.
"No problems with Bruck today?"
"No, Master. I haven't seen him today," Obi-Wan told him, looking as though he was fighting the uncanny urge to giggle. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say he's avoiding me."
"Imagine that." Anakin smirked at him. "Avoiding you, after you broke his nose." At least Chun wasn't bullying his Padawan any longer.
Obi-Wan just smiled, and turned. He jumped up to catch the disc again, then turned back to Anakin.
"Would you like to play, Master?"
Raising a quizzical eyebrow, Anakin looked at him thoughtfully. Yoda and Qui-Gon's advice both echoed through his mind. He needed to…move on. Any bonding with his Padawan at all had to help that endeavor, right? But…did bonding really have to involved organized game play? Eventually, after much deliberation, he nodded in acceptance. He'd survive it…once. Besides, the bright look on Obi-Wan's face, as he tossed the disc to him before sprinting away, made it all worth it.
"Over here, Knight Skywalker!" Bant called.
Sighing, with a relative amount of good humor, Anakin tossed the disc back to the young Mon Calamari. After about half an hour of further play and travel, the blonde placed a hand atop Obi-Wan's head.
"Ready to head home?" He wondered, in as polite a tone as he could muster. Obi-Wan panted lightly, from the exertion of running and jumping to catch the disc. He nodded.
"If you are, Master," he answered, and waved goodbye to Bant and the other children that had joined in on their play.
Leading the way back to their quarters in the Temple dorms, Anakin was silent. His thoughts were not quite so much.
"Thank you," he murmured, once they were secure behind a closed door again. "Thank you for helping me. Thank you for finding him, I know it was you." Licking his lips, the Knight tried to sort through his thoughts enough to finish. Such salutations felt alien on his tongue. "I'm going to try harder. I'm going to be a Master who actually deserves to have you for a Padawan."
"As far as I know, you were doing fine before, Master," Obi-Wan told him.
"It wasn't fine," Anakin promised him, moving without warning toward his room. Habit was setting in, to cover his nerves. "It was childish of me to pout. Qui-Gon wouldn't have, had he been in my position." Then, a thick sheet of durasteel that made up the door to his bedroom separated them, effectively ending any conversation.
Obi-Wan stared at the door for a moment, and then shook his head, going into his own room. He flopped down onto his bed, placing his hands behind his head, as he stared up at the ceiling.
'You must have been really something, Master Jinn, for Master to doubt himself so much.' He thought.