Chapter 2

Severus had always been sure that the day he saw James Potter dead would be a happy day.

It wasn't.

As he watched the jerk burn, all he could feel was bitterness and jealously, because it was plain that Lily loved Potter as she would never love Severus. She had been bloody ready to burn with him.

His eyes flickered to Lily, who laid frozen with her eyes fixed on the flames that were consuming her husband. Tears ran down her paralyzed face, the sight making Severus' stomach twist with guilt. He had wanted Potter dead. Part of him wished the asshole had been captured alive too and forced to witness the fate of his wife before being painfully killed. But he would have never wanted Lily to suffer like this.

The Dark Lord approached as he was finishing lacing his boots, the satisfaction and pride in his red eyes making Severus feel nauseated rather than thrilled as it would have in the past. He had been hoping he would be allowed to go, but to his renewed anxiety his master beckoned him to follow him out of the meeting room. Severus hesitated, not wanting to let Lily out of his sight for an instant in this company, but refusing to attend his master wasn't an option and taking Lily with him to a private conference wasn't either so after a brief internal deliberation he opted for non-verbally asking Lucius to keep an eye on his prize during his absence.

"You performed admirably, dear Severus," praised his master once they had settled on opposite armchairs by the fire in the study. "I didn't expect you would be quite so successful at the first try, I admit."

"It wasn't that hard, my Lord," said Severus with a satisfied smirk. "I always knew deep down she wanted me. It might take time to get her to admit it, but she will eventually."

The Dark Lord chuckled, but a few seconds later he sobered up and pinned him with a warning look.

"I will not tolerate you being distracted from your duties, Severus, nor becoming careless in your eagerness to enjoy your little treat. You will not risk your position at Hogwarts by sneaking out every night."

"You need not worry, my Lord," assured him Severus. "My first priority will always be to remain useful to you."

His master seemed satisfied with the answer.

"Does Dumbledore know you were summoned tonight?" he asked then.

"No, my Lord. As long as nobody goes searching for me at my quarters, my absence tonight should go unnoticed."

"Good. You will fake complete ignorance regarding the Potters' fate. I will want a report on Dumbledore's reaction to the news." The Dark Lord lost himself in thought for a moment. "And try to find out how the Longbottoms are being protected."

"I will try, my Lord. But as you know Dumbledore doesn't trust me with information about Order members. Just in case, he says."

His master huffed in annoyance and stood up.

"You are free to go, Severus. Make sure the girl doesn't escape or communicate with anyone, that would be the end of your usefulness to me."

"Of course, my Lord," said Severus bowing his head. "Thank you."

On his way back, he crossed paths with Dolohov, who was levitating a large glass jar in front of him. Severus had trouble maintaining his composure when he saw that Lily's dead son had been stuck inside it and covered with some sort of preservation fluid as if it were a pickled potions specimen. He wanted to get away from the disturbing sight, but to his rising anxiety Dolohov detained him with some banter over his earlier performance, the jar floating right next to Severus' head all the time. Noticing with an uncomfortable feeling that the brat had green eyes —no doubt the Dark Lord had spelled them so they would stay open, it was something he liked to do when he presented someone with a corpse—, Severus declined one last time Dolohov's request for some playtime with Lily and stalked away, deciding as he went that he would get rid of all the specimens lining the walls of his office.

His heart rate spiked when he heard screaming coming out of the meeting hall, and he rushed in trying to look as calm and impassive as possible considering the turmoil inside him. As he had feared, the screams belonged to Lily, who was withering on the floor next to the pile of ashes that used to be James Potter.

"I don't recall having given you permission to discipline my pet, Bellatrix," he drawled as he approached, raising his wand to draw the bitch's attention.

To his relief, Lily stopped screaming and flailing at once, her tormentor having found something more pressing to focus on.

"I didn't touch your little Mudblood," said Bellatrix with a cheeky, evil smile.

Severus bestowed an accusing glare on Lucius —who shrugged unapologetically, clearly conveying that no one could be expected to stand between Bellatrix's and a Mudblood— before turning back to the sadistic witch.

"Allow me to clarify, then," he said in a dangerous tone. "She is mine to punish... or pleasure," he added smugly, causing several people to snicker, "as I see fit. If anyone wants to touch her or affect her integrity in any way using any part or extension of their bodies, they will have to ask and wait for my permission first. My advice is not to bother, though, since I do not share."

"As if anyone but you would want to touch that scum," she sneered. "I can't wait to see the little bastards she pushes out for you, Snape. I bet they are all Squibs, with that much Muggle blood in their filthy veins."

Severus' grip on his wand tightened, but before he could do anything stupid Bellatrix fortunately chose to cackle away. The Lestranges and her other nasty allies followed her, and the rest of the gathered Death Eaters quickly scattered when they saw the dark look on his face.

Only Lucius remained.

"No one touched her," he assured him in a whisper, sounding slightly guilty.

Severus didn't say anything in return as he unfastened his cloak and wrapped it around Lily before scooping her up.

"Severus..."

"Don't bother, Lucius," he snapped. He was relieved that at least no one else had raped her in his absence, but he had counted on his supposed friend to guard her and he was disappointed that Lucius hadn't even considered to stand up against Bellatrix for him.

Without another word or look to anyone, Severus carried Lily beyond the edge of the wards and, clutching her tightly against his chest, Apparated away.

"I'm sorry, Lily," was the first thing he said when he walked into his house of Spinner's End, looking down at the sorrowful creature in his arms. He put her down on the couch and knelt before her, gently wiping the tears from her face. "You're safe now, I promise. No one will hurt you here."

Not even me.

She didn't respond, and her eyes remained unfocused, absent. Concerned, Severus moved a hand and snapped his fingers in front of her face, but she simply blinked and continued staring blanky.

"Lily? Can you hear me? Look at me, please," he whispered, taking her face in his hands and trying to meet her eyes. She was somewhere far away, though.

Panic coursed through him. How long had Bellatrix held her under the Cruciatus? Had her brain been damaged? Or was it just the emotional shock of everything she had gone through in the last few hours? Begging to Merlin that it was the latter, and supporting his wishful thinking in the lack of other neurological symptoms associated with long exposure to the Cruciatus, Severus forced himself to calm down and summoned his medical kit.

The first thing he did was administering a Calming Draught, a Pain Reliever and a Restorative Potion, half-grateful for the catatonic-like state that was allowing him to tend to Lily without resistance. Once she snapped out of it —if she ever did— she no doubt would react to Severus with fear or rage. She was going to hate him forever.

He made her drink his unpatented Post-Cruciatus Elixir next, even though it was unlikely to help if her brain had been damaged, and then laid her down while she cast a few basic diagnostics on her. Unfortunately he didn't know any spells to determine brain-damage —and he didn't dare attempting Legilimency to assess mental integrity—, but he could at least check that her heart, lungs, liver and kidneys were fine. She was a little dehydrated, though, so he conjured a glass with water and made her sit up for a moment to administer that too.

Considering that there wasn't anything else he could do on a systemic level, Severus took a deep breath and proceeded to take care of the bruises and other minor injuries, guilt and self-disgust twisting his stomach and tightening his chest at the sight of all those evidences of his own brutality. The fact that Lily didn't flinch nor tense at his touch was clear indication that she wasn't aware of anything, but he talked to her as he worked anyway, explaining what he was doing and assuring her that he would not hurt her again.

He had been too rough. As Severus carefully applied bruise balm on her face, he questioned himself about the necessity of it. Of course he could have been a lot more brutal, Lily had actually gotten off with the bare minimum of physical pain —which was no doubt why Bellatrix had considered necessary to supplement his gentle treatment with another dose of the Cruciatus—, but he had to admit that he had put a little too much force in that first blow. I had to make sure she kept her mouth shut, though, he justified himself. Everyone in that room had been able to hear everything Severus and Lily did, and who knew what Lily could have said? Not to mention that it would have been much harder for Severus to stay in character if she had kept saying his name, or if she had begged him to stop.

He paused to rub his face with his hands, mild pain reminding him that Lily had scratched his face in her attempts to claw out his eyes. His scalp also hurt, and his arms and hands where she had dug her nails or beat him. Severus would have never imagined she could get so wild, nor that she was so strong, although of course it hadn't helped her much against him.

Pushing away the horrible images —which he was ashamed to admit were incredibly arousing—, he dipped his fingers into the balm jar again and began massaging her neck, where he could clearly see the marks left by his brutal grip. His eyes flickered to her face when Lily emitted an almost inaudible whimper, and saw that tears were rolling down her face again. Suddenly overwhelmed by emotion, Severus dried her face with a cloth and gently caressed her cheek.

"I'm sorry," he whispered again. "For everything."

Lily closed her eyes, a few more tears escaping the hold of her eyelids. Had she heard him? Was she aware, then? Was she afraid?

"I'm treating your wounds, Lily," he informed her again, hoping his voice sounded unthreatening. "You're safe. I won't hurt you again, I promise."

She didn't respond in any way, so after waiting for a few seconds Severus continued with his task, now focusing on the finger marks he had left around her left breast. He still couldn't believe that Lily was naked before him, and even less that he had fucked her. He had dreamt with her body and fantasized about having sex with her since puberty, but never, not even in his darkest nightmares, he had imagined it would be like this. That he would ever have free access to her naked body and yet be too ashamed to take advantage of that. Of course the sight of her breasts made him want to cup them and rub them and lick them, but he felt more undeserving of that privilege than he had ever felt before about anything.

After tending to her bruised hip and fixing a fingernail that she had hurt trying to break his iron hold, Severus sat her up facing away from him and applied bruise balm all over her back, reflecting that he could use some on his knees as well. Not that his own insignificant injuries were any sort of priority... although he would have to at least fix his face before going to see Dumbledore.

Severus examined Lily critically head to toes when he had ran out of obvious spots to rub bruise balm on. He knew of one more place that had received a lot of hammering, and he had a special salve for that, but he didn't dare touching Lily there even if she was mostly irresponsive. He could offer her the chance to apply it herself later, when —if— her mind went back to normal.

Unbearable images of Lily permanently incapacitated as a result of tonight's events, locked away in St. Mungos with someone having to feed her and clean her like a baby invaded his mind making him want to cry in despair.

He pressed his hands to his temples and remained several minutes with eyes closed, performing several breathing exercises to calm himself and stabilize his mind. Panicking wouldn't help Lily nor himself. He had to focus on what he could control, little as that was. What else could he do for Lily right now? He had filled her up with potions, checked her organs, treated her bruises and minor lacerations... Giving her a bath would be good, but she was all covered in bruise balm so that would have to wait. He couldn't leave her sticky, though, could he?

Opening his eyes, he pulled out his wand and, feeling like a criminal getting rid of evidence, cast a cleaning charm on her private area, remembering while he did it that he would have to brew something to make sure she didn't conceive.

Severus felt his mind blow again at the realization that he had fucked Lily.

No.

He had raped Lily.

Feeling disgusted with himself, he pushed away any stupid illusions of ever getting anywhere near her private area again, and carefully scooped up her irresponsive body. He carried her up the stairs to his room and laid her on his bed, pausing to slip one of his old night shirts over her head before tucking her in. Lily's eyes were closed and she seemed to have fallen asleep, but Severus still made her swallow a double dose of Dreamless Sleep to keep the horror at bay for a while.

Staring at her sleeping form, he felt remorse and guilt drill holes in his stomach. And fear. Now there really was no chance that Lily would ever forgive him. His heart ached at the loss of what had never been his.

He wrenched his eyes from the girl he could never let go of and began securing the room in case she woke up before he came back. That done, he closed and warded the door behind him and stepped into the hallway, where his reflection glared at him from the mirror hanging on the opposite wall. Angry scratches on his face and hands made him look as if he had wrestled with a sphinx.

Even harder to assimilate than the fact that he had fucked —no, raped— Lily, it was the fact that he had hit her. Severus had been violent with her, had physically hurt her, much like his father had done to his mother.

He had hurt Lily in so many different ways... Severus would never forgive himself for all the pain he had caused her.

With a heavy heart, he finally got on with the task of removing all visible evidence of Lily's fury before going back to Hogwarts. He had to talk with the Headmaster, but what would he say? Could he confess what he had done to Lily?

And what would Dumbledore have to say in his defence? He had promised to hide the Potters, so why had Severus had to rape Lily tonight? He had trusted the old man to keep her safe, and yet it had been the Dark Lord who had kept his promise.

Damned them both!