Chapter 3
Severus stirred three times anticlockwise and watched as the potion slowly turned a delicate shade of lilac. Satisfied that everything was going as it should according to the instructions, he set a timer and sat in a corner of his lab with Flaws of the Mind opened over his knee. He knew that Lily would soon be in the competent hands of a Healer and therefore it wasn't necessary for him to try to figure out her mental condition, but it had always helped him quell his anxiety to read about the things that bothered him.
His mind, however, kept drifting to the cauldron bubbling on the counter, and to the reason why he was brewing that particular potion. He knew it was wrong, and he wasn't seriously considering it, but he kept fantasizing with pouring the potion down the drain and let nature decide what could be. The chance of a woman conceiving after a single episode of unprotected sex on a random day of her cycle was small, he knew, but Severus couldn't shake off the silly conviction that having spilled himself so deeply and brutally inside Lily had to have significantly increased the probability. So she could right now be in the process of becoming pregnant with his child... The idea of creating a life together with her, of watching Lily love something that was half his, something that would connect them forever, was so powerful that it made Severus' soul tremble. He wanted it so much that it hurt.
But he wouldn't be better than James bloody Potter if he tried to ensnare Lily by knocking her up. Severus didn't know for sure, but he was convinced that that had to have been the way of it, the only reason why someone as sensible as Lily would have started a family so soon after graduation and while fighting in a war: Potter must have forgotten or botched the contraception charm —probably on purpose— and then persuaded her of getting married for the sake of the child —which had suspiciously been born about eight months after the precipitated wedding. That was why Severus had been convinced that Lily hadn't married Potter out of love, but out of haste and family pressure, and that eventually she would have realized that it wasn't worth it being shackled to that asshole just to give her child a father. He had been certain that sooner rather than later Potter would have done something stupid —like cheating on her, or forbidding her to have a professional career— that would have decided Lily to leave him. And Severus would have been ready to step in, now on the right side and willing to raise Potter's brat as his or at least tolerate it for Lily's sake.
After witnessing Lily's grief tonight, though, Severus realized that he had been deluding himself. She would have never left Potter. While the timeline still suggested that her getting married and starting a family so soon had been accidental, he now grimly suspected that she would have chosen to marry that jerk and have children with him anyway, if maybe a few years later.
When the timer went off, Severus put the unread book aside and approached the cauldron, verifying that the potion had darkened just as it was supposed to. As he added the next series of ingredients and began another stirring cycle, he reflected bitterly that even if he were to stoop to Potter's level and neglect to give her this potion in the hopes that she would conceive, that tactic would not work for him. Lily would never marry him, nor she would keep a child of rape. If Severus didn't make the call himself now, she would brew her own abortifacient later or ask Poppy for help getting rid of the undesired consequence.
No, the only way to get what he wanted would be to follow the Dark Lord's suggestion and keep Lily locked up with a constant supply of his seed inside her and no access to contraceptive potions. Then she would have no choice but to bear him a child, and she would never be able to leave him.
Severus set another timer and crumbled on a stool with his face buried in his hands. This was why the Dark Lord was so successful in recruiting followers: he offered desperate people what they most desired, things that they didn't stand a chance of getting any other way. For some it was wealth, respect, recognition, for others power, revenge, freedom to unleash their inner beast. For Severus it had been a combination of most of the above, but never had he felt so tempted as he felt now, when the Dark Lord had offered him Lily and the chance of having a son with her.
He was stronger and wiser now than he had been at seventeen, though. He had learned that getting what he wanted could cost him his reason for living as well as the ability to live with himself. Severus had asked the Dark Lord to spare Lily because he had feared for her life, not because he had wanted her as a reward, and he would not throw away any chance of forgiveness and real love he might have accepting her as such. His decision wasn't even a decision, since there was only one way for him now, only one choice he could make.
When the timer went off again and Severus deemed the potion appropriately thick, he extinguished the flames and moved the cauldron to another table to let it cool. Then he sat down again with the book on mental disorders, although this time he didn't bother opening it knowing that he was too anxious to focus on anything outside of his own mind.
He was stalling. It was almost dawn, and he still hadn't gathered the nerve to talk to Dumbledore. He had returned to the castle a few hours ago with the intention of informing the Headmaster at once, but instead of going up he had opted for brewing the potion, telling himself that it was urgent even though he had at least five more days to administer it before his hypothetical offspring could implant itself. The truth was that he was afraid of facing the Headmaster. He feared the old man would not believe him, or that he would not understand, or that he would be disgusted and disappointed in him. Severus was also not sure he could control his temper right now, and cursing Albus Dumbledore would not be in his best interest. Perhaps it would be wiser to put off the debriefing until after he had checked on Lily and hopefully verified her brain's functionality later that day.
The decision was made for him, however, when shortly after dawn a house-elf popped in to deliver Dumbledore's summons. Swallowing nervously, Severus finished bottling the anti-implantation potion and restored the lab to its normal immaculate state before finally making his way to the Headmaster's office.
"Severus," said Dumbledore. He looked older than usual, and very tired. "Please come in and take a seat."
Severus gave a stiff nod in the way of greeting and settled in his usual place.
"I'm afraid I have grievous news to share with you, Severus," said Dumbledore gravely after studying his carefully occluded face for a long moment. "There was an attack last night... in Godric's Hollow. The Potters were targeted." The old man paused to take a deep breath. "There are no survivors."
Severus sat completely silent and still. He wondered how he would have reacted if there had truly been no survivors and he had been summoned here to be informed of Lily's death. Would he have raged? Would he have broken apart? Would he have fallen in a catatonic state like Lily's? He also wondered how could Dumbledore be certain that there were no survivors if all three Potters had been taken and one of them was currently tucked in his bed.
He knew he must enlighten the Headmaster. For Lily, and for himself as well, since he was going to need Dumbledore's help. But he still didn't feel ready to confess.
"I thought you were going to keep her safe," he accused instead. As the image of a green-eyed baby stuck in a jar flashed through his mind, he added, "All of them."
"She and James put their faith in the wrong person," said Dumbledore. "Rather like you, Severus. Weren't you hoping that Lord Voldemort would spare her?"
Severus scowled. The nerve of the old man!
"I was hoping you would protect her, Dumbledore," he said coldly. "I had put my faith in you, and you said that you would hide them! Why Lily and Potter would have had to put their faith in anyone else if you had promised to protect them?"
The Headmaster sighed. He looked even older than two minutes ago, but his expression was still free of guilt or remorse.
"I did what I could for them, Severus," he said. "I suggested the use of the Fidelius Charm, which is a magically infallible way to hide a residence, and offered to be their Secret Keeper. The decision was ultimately theirs, however, and they decided to put their trust in one of their friends, who unfortunately betrayed them."
Severus considered the old man's excuse, and to his frustration he realized that he couldn't really blame him. The Fidelius Charm was truly the most effective way of concealing a location, Merlin himself couldn't have gotten inside one without being told the secret. The chink in the armour was the human factor, as it usually was with old magic, and Severus supposed it wasn't Dumbledore's fault if the arrogant James Potter had ignored the Headmaster's advice and based his choice of Secret Keeper on some moronic Gryffindor ideal of friendship instead of common sense. Lily too, though more sensible, had always been too trustful for her own good.
"It was Lupin, wasn't he?" guessed Severus narrowing his eyes. "The traitor."
Dumbledore shook his head and sighed again.
"No. Sirius Black was their Secret Keeper."
Severus stared at the Headmaster in shock for a long moment, trying to assimilate that piece of information. While he would have never thought Black incapable of betraying his best friend, he found hard to believe that he could be such a hypocrite as to join the Dark Lord or report to him even the time of day after having so strongly stated his disdain for all things Slytherin for years. The more he thought about it, though, the less it surprized him. The asshole had always had a nasty streak, and he was a Black —Bellatrix's first cousin— with a lot of Slytherin blood in his veins. And it wasn't difficult to unravel what could have motivated his treason, considering all the wealth and privileges that came with the Black inheritance. Until a few years ago the lovely Walburga would probably have been more inclined to murder her oldest son than to welcome him back if he had appeared asking for forgiveness, but with Regulus gone... If was said that the Dark Lord had killed Regulus himself, perhaps he had struck a deal with the brother, promising to restore him as the Black heir in exchange for the Potters' secret?
He felt more disgusted than furious at the thought that Sirius Black might have been one of the masked Death Eaters in the crowd last night —there were always a few who didn't uncover themselves at any point during the meetings—, watching as Severus defiled Potter's wife.
"I confess, Severus," said the Headmaster breaking his reverie, "that I didn't expect you to take the news so well."
"I wouldn't say I'm taking it well, Dumbledore," said Severus coldly. "I'm pissed off."
"I can see that. Your anger is understandable, but you must allow yourself to process your grief too, Severus. Else you risk losing yourself again to the darkness. Lily might be gone, but your love for her can still guide your steps."
The old man's face was all kindness and venerable wisdom, but Severus saw through it. He hadn't been working as a spy for too long, but in the last year he had had more than enough dealings with Albus Dumbledore to learn to read him relatively well. Of course he could never be sure about anything —if he was certain of something was that Dumbledore was a consummated actor in addition to an expert Occlumens—, but having dealt enough with the Dark Lord as well he had developed a sort of sixth sense that told him when someone was testing or probing his loyalty.
Naturally, now that Dumbledore thought Lily dead, his first concern regarding Severus was whether he would go back to the Dark Lord in the absence of a reason to stay on the 'right side'. Considering that Severus had only switched his allegiance to keep Lily safe, perhaps Dumbledore had reasons to be concerned, especially since the old man had failed to protect her.
Severus wondered what he would have done if Lily had died for real. Without her, he wouldn't have had any reason to continue helping Dumbledore. There were benefits of working for him, of course, like his job at Hogwarts and protection against prosecution if the Ministry ever captured him, but he needn't be truly loyal to harvest those benefits. Severus had changed sides for Lily, not for the cause. Without her... without her there would be no point in choosing a side, since he couldn't imagine himself surviving that loss.
But if he had to choose a side, in that hypothetical scenario, Severus was pretty sure that he wouldn't choose the Dark Lord again. Mainly because in that scenario the Dark Lord would have been the one to kill Lily, but also because... well, Severus had seen and been required to do things too horrible while serving the Dark Lord. If nothing else, what he had seen last night would have been enough to make him seriously reconsider what sort of sick monster he had sworn allegiance to. Killing a baby, to then rock the little corpse in front of its mother, and finally sticking it in a jar for exhibition had been far too much for any half-decent human being to stomach.
That didn't mean that he would have chosen Dumbledore's side instead, though.
Severus sighed. Sometimes he wished he could just disappear. Escape to some distant country where no one knew who he was and start over. With Lily, of course. But Lily would never choose to be anywhere near him. If she had rejected him back in fifth year, when Severus hadn't yet done anything to anyone least of all to her, after last night of course she would reject him ad infinitum. And this time he could not fault her, even though some deep part of him protested that she should understand and forgive him this time too.
He shook his head at himself and focused his mind on the man in front of him and the situation at hand. While Albus Dumbledore didn't inspire Severus any degree of personal loyalty, he had decided to place his life —and Lily's— in his hands over a year ago. The old wizard might have failed to keep Lily and her family safe, but Potter and Black were more at fault for that, and even though Severus was still angry at the Headmaster he had learned to work with him despite his past resentments. He hated not to have better options, but it was the way it was. If he wanted to have a chance against the Dark Lord, he needed someone equally powerful covering his back.
Lily and Severus would not be safe anywhere when he defected. They would both have bright targets painted on their chests for as long as the Dark Lord breathed, and they would depend on Dumbledore's protection to survive. Lily would hardly want to stay with him, but Severus could put Spinner's End under a Fidelius —with Dumbledore as Secret Keeper— and let her stay there while he lived in Hogwarts, supporting her with his job as Potions Master. Assuming he could still work after he had cut off his arm, that is.
And assuming Dumbledore thought him worthy of protection once he had heard what Severus had done.
"I don't know what you found in Godric's Hollow," he began slowly, "but I am certain that none of the Potters were there after midnight."
Confusion, suspicion, comprehension, hope and curiosity chased each other across the old man's face.
"Do explain, Severus," he said sternly.
Severus sighed and ran a hand through his hair, wincing slightly at the tenderness in his scalp courtesy of Lily.
"The Dark Lord summoned us all last night to announce and... celebrate his success eliminating the threat that posed Lily's son."
The dim hope that had appeared in the Headmaster's eyes was extinguished by his words, replaced by sadness and defeat.
"The bodies of James Potter and the boy were displayed for everyone to see," continued Severus. He hesitated. "Lily was spared."
Dumbledore's light-blue gaze made Severus feel as if he was being X-rayed even though there was no Legilimency involved.
"Why didn't you tell me this the moment you walked into my office?" he inquired in a deceptively mild tone. "For that matter, I would like to know why you didn't come on your own initiative to give your report as soon as you returned to the castle —which apparently you left without notifying me, by the way."
Severus shifted uneasily in his chair, mentally cursing himself. He had known he should have come to report to the Headmaster at once. He took a deep breath.
"I didn't tell you I had been summoned last night because it was Halloween," he admitted uncomfortably. "Based on past Halloweens, I had reason to believe that whatever I might be required to do would be reported in the Prophet tomorrow in gruesome detail. If I had had something important to report afterwards, I would have told you, of course, but if not... I wished to spare us both that particular debrief."
He looked at the Headmaster beseechingly, hoping he would understand this. By the expression in the old man's face, he did, although he plainly didn't like that Severus kept things from him.
"And the reason why you didn't tell me immediately that Lily had been spared?" he pressed, a hint of suspicion in his tone. "Had you considered not to tell me at all?"
"No," said Severus at once. "I was going to, I just... I was trying to gather the nerve to face you."
Understanding appeared in Dumbledore's eyes, and Severus noticed with slight relief that his suspicion had shifted to concern.
"What were you required to do, Severus?" asked the old wizard gently.
Severus swallowed and looked down.
"I had to... rape her," he mumbled.
The deep silence that fell in the circular office was only interrupted by the whirring and puffing of Dumbledore's silver trinkets. Severus could feel the eyes of all the Headmasters and Headmistresses Hogwarts had ever had fixed on him. He looked up when he couldn't bear the silence any longer.
"I didn't want to do it," he swore, meeting Dumbledore's sad gaze. "I would have never done that to her-"
"Oh, and to someone else you would have?" accused an old Headmistress sharply from her frame.
"Thank you, Eupraxia," said Dumbledore firmly, effectively shutting up the portrait. "Please continue, Severus."
Severus wrenched his eyes from the indignant Headmistress, relieved that her line of inquiry had not been picked up by the current Headmaster. He wouldn't say that he had raped anyone before, but the lines of consent had been rather blurry on occasion, with so many interesting potions and spells to experiment with. And there were women who liked it rough and wanted to be dominated...
"I had to do it," he said, pushing to the back of his mind that extra dark phase he had gone through when he had heard of Lily's marriage. "The Dark Lord gave her to me as a reward, he expected me to... claim her. And not just that. Lily must have really irritated him when he was trying to kill the boy, and before every time she had defied him in battle, because the Dark Lord wanted her to suffer in every way possible. I think he only spared her because he thought being given to me as a reward would be worse than death or torture for her... He made sure of informing her that I had sent him after her family, so she would be horrified to be handed over to me of all people."
That had been probably the worst element of last night's nightmare: Lily knowing. Knowing, and at the same not really knowing. Because the Dark Lord had made it sound much worse than the truth, as if Severus had suggested him, even asked him, to target the Potters to get rid of an inconvenient husband and child. Severus knew that he was responsible for Lily's loss, but he was desperate to explain how it had been exactly, how he hadn't known that the Prophecy spoke of her child, he hadn't even believed Divination was real magic. She probably wouldn't believe him, but if Dumbledore confirmed his story... It wouldn't make his involvement in her family's tragedy any less true, of course, but it might make him look less like a soulless monster in Lily's eyes. And if he could get the old man to vouch for the necessity of the rape too...
"I would like to examine your memory of last night's meeting, Severus," said Dumbledore in a serious tone.
Severus's stomach dropped and his eyes widened in panic.
"I... would rather you not to, Headmaster," he said carefully. It was one thing to tell him, quite another to show him. When the powerful wizard raised his white eyebrows, he rushed to clarify, "I'm not hiding anything, I just... I don't want you to see me... doing that."
He also didn't want Dumbledore to have evidence of his crime. It wasn't the first time the old man requested memories of his dealings with the Dark Lord, but so far Severus had managed to cut out anything that would send him to Azkaban for life. He wasn't sure what was the penalty for rape, but he had little doubt that anyone who watched that memory would instantly put him in the same category of people than Dolohov and Bellatrix.
"You have my word that I will pay as little attention as possible to the sexual aspects," said Dumbledore. "But I wish to see for myself what happened last night."
Severus ran his hands through his hair, anxiety oppressing his chest. He knew that the Headmaster's request was actually an order, and that if he refused his loyalty and trustworthiness might be called into question, but he also knew that he had been damn well convincing last night. What if the old man didn't believe that he hadn't really wanted to do it? What if seeing Severus's dark character made him question just how rotten he was deep inside? After all, it might have been a role, but he hadn't used to play it anything that wasn't in his repertoire of feelings and thoughts.
"All right..." he said at last in defeat, knowing that Lily could provide her own memory of the event if Severus refused. "But first allow me to explain, please." At a nod from the Headmaster, he took a deep breath and began, "I'm familiarized with the Dark Lord's evil moods, I can usually predict how he will react, what will frustrate him or please him, what will appease him or bore him... I usually know exactly what he wants from me, what he expects. What will be enough to satisfy him."
"I am well aware of your exceptional talent to read and manipulate Lord Voldemort, Severus," said Dumbledore. It sounded like praise, but it wasn't something Severus was proud of so it felt more like condemnation.
"Last night..." he continued with a sigh, "I was desperate to get Lily out of there alive. But I couldn't just take her and Disapparate. Even when the Dark Lord called me forward and said she was mine to do with her as I pleased, I knew it was a conditional gift, he had made sufficiently clear that I was to be part of Lily's torment. And he wanted a show, to entertain the others. So I... I had to be convincingly cruel and rough." Severus looked at Dumbledore imploringly. "I was afraid that if I didn't play my role well the Dark Lord would change his mind and kill her. I also feared that if Lily didn't react appropriately the Dark Lord would get bored and give her to someone worse, so I..." Severus swallowed a knot in his throat. "I could tell that Lily wasn't going to fight me. She didn't even seem angry at first, just hurt, even after the Dark Lord told her that I was responsible for the deaths of her family. She wasn't..." He took a ragged breath. "She wasn't going to fight me, so I had to... I had to make her hate me."
Severus sat forward with his head in his hands for long minutes, trying to get a hold of his emotions. He had avoided making eye contact with Lily so her doe eyes wouldn't shatter his facade, but he had noticed the way she had looked at him, the trembling of her lips, the lack of resistance, and he couldn't shake the anguishing feeling that she might have been able and willing to forgive him for the Prophecy, and even for the rape, if he hadn't taken his cruelty so far. Lily had even been mind-blowingly responsive to his rough attentions, it was actually despairing that he had had to provoke her into anger because it had looked as if it didn't bother her all that much to be raped by him.
Dumbledore had gone to fetch his Pensieve while Severus struggled to compose himself, so when he finally straightened up he had no choice but to pull out his wand and focus on extracting the requested memory. He surrendered everything from the moment he had answered the summons until the moment he had Disapparated with Lily in his arms, and then he sat back to wait while the Headmaster examined his most shameful act.
When the old man emerged from the Pensieve an incommensurable time later, he seemed to have aged yet another decade and his eyes were suspiciously moist. He sat back behind his desk and lost himself in thought for at least ten minutes while Severus waited apprehensively.
"Where is Lily now?" asked the Headmaster at last.
"Spinner's End," answered Severus immediately. "I tended to her wounds and gave her Dreamless Sleep before putting her to bed. She... she seemed to have fallen in some sort of catatonic state. I don't know if it's just the shock or if her brain was damaged by that last Cruciatus."
"You didn't speak with her yet, then?"
"I tried, but she didn't respond, I'm not sure if she even heard." Severus ran a hand through his hair again. "I've already brewed a potion to prevent pregnancy, and I will bring her to Hogwarts today or tomorrow so Poppy can check her brain. I didn't bring her directly here because I wanted to talk to you before, and I wanted to spare her the humiliation of being seen that way by Poppy or McGonagall..."
He was rambling, and he hated when people rambled, but Dumbledore's silence was making him anxious. What was the old man thinking? Did he believe him a sadistic bastard? Was he angry? Disappointed? His expression was grim, but other than that Severus could not read him.
"Lily will stay where she is," said the Headmaster finally. "I suspect the mental state you described is due to emotional shock, she will emerge from it on her own after enough rest. We will see how to proceed if she doesn't, but you will not bring her to Hogwarts. I saw your memory, Severus, Voldemort has instructed you not to tell me that Lily has been spared and given to you, so you must keep her isolated in your house."
"I hardly care what the Dark Lord said," spat Severus. "I'm done with that bastard. I will discuss with Poppy what to do about my left arm, it'll probably be safer to cut it off before the Dark Lord realizes I betrayed him, and Lily should be in a safe location at the moment of the amputation in case the Dark Lord can sense it. I'm willing to put Spinner's End under a Fidelius, if you agree to keep the secret, and Lily can live there for as long as she wants, I won't bother her. Although it'd probably be better for her to come to Hogwarts so she has people around her, she can stay with McG-"
"Severus," interrupted him Dumbledore sharply. "You will not leave Voldemort's service. We cannot afford to lose our only spy, especially now."
"That's irrelevant, Dumbledore. Things don't work out just because you can't afford them not to. Spies get burned or killed eventually, you'll just have to find another spy or do without one."
"Your cover has not been compromised, Severus, there is no reason for you to quit," said the Headmaster sternly.
"It's over, old man, don't you see?" snarled Severus waving an arm for emphasis. Why was Dumbledore being so thick? "I'm not quitting on a whim, it's just over! A smart spy knows and accepts when it's time to get out, when his cover is about to be compromised, and mine will blow up in my face the moment the Dark Lord realizes that Lily is free and out of my clutches!"
"He will not realize, because she will not," said Dumbledore adamantly, his blue eyes firm and unyielding. "You will accept your reward, Severus, and proceed with Lily the way Voldemort expects you to."
Severus' jaw dropped as he stared at the Headmaster in horrified disbelief.