Chapter 4

"You will accept your reward, Severus, and proceed with Lily the way Voldemort expects you to."

Severus stared at the Headmaster in shock. He could not believe what he had just heard. Surely he must have misunderstood, or perhaps the old man was just too naive and didn't grasp the implications of what he had said. There was no way that the great Albus Dumbledore, defender of the innocent and champion of the Muggle-borns, could have just instructed Severus to make a habit of raping Lily.

"The Dark Lord expects me to fuck her at every available opportunity," he said bluntly when he had recovered enough to speak. "He expects me to subjugate her and to plant my bastard in her belly as soon as possible."

Dumbledore nodded slowly.

"I understand."

"Clearly you don't!" yelled Severus jumping to his feet and glowering at the Headmaster from above. "Unless Lily is an expert Occlumens and Legilimens capable of lying and presenting false images to the Dark Lord, it would have to be for real, since the chances of that sick bastard wanting to regularly take a peek into her mind to see what I've been doing to her would be high. Even if Lily could deceive the Dark Lord —which I very much doubt—, you can't fake a pregnancy for too long and it would be suspicious if she never got pregnant when I'm supposedly servicing her every other day. And even if that weren't an insurmountable obstacle in the long term there is no way in hell I will allow Lily to be anywhere near the Dark Lord or any other Death Eater ever again! I barely got her out of there alive and relatively whole once, she might be killed, tortured, or passed around if I were to take her to a revelry on the Dark Lord's orders. The Dark Lord himself might want to borrow her sometime, and I would not be able to refuse!"

Scenarios too dreadful to contemplate were conjured in Severus' mind as he yelled, Lily subjected to the Dark Lord's special brand of sadism the worst of them. As far as he knew his twisted master had never taken a Mudblood into his bed, but there was a first time for everything, and Severus' possessiveness and ever-increasing power might be just the thing to make the Dark Lord choose Lily as his first one. He vigorously shook his head to dispel the disturbing images.

Dumbledore's mouth was set in a grim line, but his eyes were still resolute.

"I understand what accepting her as a reward would imply, Severus," he said gravely. "You are correct in that Lily is not proficient at mind magics, and while I believe with enough time and training she could master Occlumency, she lacks the natural talent you possess and would never be able to deceive Lord Voldemort. That is why you cannot tell her anything and why it must be real for her. Even an eventual pregnancy. As to the risks... death, torture and rape are all possibilities every member of the Order of the Phoenix accepts when joining. Lily knew it might come to this when she decided to actively oppose Voldemort."

"I somehow doubt she imagined it would be you who would sanction all those possibilities for her," said Severus coldly, his sense of disbelief slowly morphing into disgust. "That being able to spare her any further suffering you would choose to hand her over to the Death Eater who got her family killed, just as the Dark Lord did!"

He felt as if he were seeing the real Albus Dumbledore for the first time, and it made the hairs of his arms stand on end to realize that he was in the presence of a man who was a match for the Dark Lord not only in power, but also in ruthlessness. Severus had already had glimpses of it, of course —Dumbledore's impassivity when receiving gruesome reports had been a clue—, but he would have never imagined him capable of knowingly condemning a woman —his own protégée— to sexual slavery. He glanced sideways at the portrait that had expressed her censure before and saw that the old Headmistress looked as if she had sucked a lemon. Dumbledore must have done something to quiet all the portraits, though, because she didn't express her indignation out loud this time.

Fear and despair surged through him at the realization that he would receive no help from the Headmaster, on the contrary. Dumbledore would do everything he could to ensure that Severus continued spying for him, starting with commanding him to keep Lily prisoner for his own rough pleasure but undoubtedly not stopping there if he refused. Would he threaten him next? The cold-hearted bastard certainly had plenty compromising information and evidence to hold against him, but would he risk alienating his only spy? How far was Dumbledore ready to go? If it were the Dark Lord he was dealing with, Severus would assume that the penalty for refusing would be ruin for him and Lily, but surely Dumbledore would not be so vindictive... or would he?

"I... need time to process this," he said when he had managed to restore his mental shields. "And I have to teach a class immediately after breakfast, I ought to prepare my classroom."

He headed to the exit, already making mental preparations for leaving the country. He would just grab Lily and flee, chop off his arm somewhere along the way and keep running. How much money did he have in his Gringotts' Vault? And in his secret Death Eater stash? Would Lily be in any condition to travel? What could he say to her to make her understand the necessity of putting as much distance as possible from both Dumbledore and the Dark Lord? She would not trust him in a thousand years, so perhaps he should just put her under the Imperius Curse for a little while, until they were safe, and then try to explain when he had more time.

Severus reached the door and seized the doorknob... which didn't turn. A shiver ran down his spine and his heart accelerated at the sudden feeling of danger. Slowly, he turned around while he slipped a hand into his robe pocket and closed his fingers around his wand.

"Let me out," he hissed.

"No," said Dumbledore simply.

For a few seconds they stared at each other.

"Open this bloody door or I will blast it apart," growled Severus gripping his wand tightly.

"Once that door is locked only the Headmaster can will it open," said Dumbledore as he calmly climbed to his feet.

"Then will it open before I decide to promote a more accommodating Headmistress," threatened Severus, pulling out his wand in a flash and levelling it at Dumbledore's chest.

"You know you would lose that fight, Severus," said the Headmaster gently. "Put your wand down."

The insufferable old man was the image of relaxation standing there with his hands folded in front of him, but Severus saw that his wand was in his hand too, and he knew that Dumbledore was fast.

"Keeping me locked up is not the best way to convince me of continuing working for you, Dumbledore," he warned. "It's actually making me reconsider my allegiance, so unless you are going to kill me I suggest you to OPEN THIS FUCKING DOOR!"

"No," repeated the old wizard. "Not until you have heard everything I have to say on this subject and you have given proper consideration to my words."

"There's nothing you can say that will make me rape Lily again," he said harshly.

"She would want you to do it, Severus," said the Headmaster.

Severus stared at the old man in disbelief.

"Are you nuts or just sick, Dumbledore? Lily doesn't want to be raped! She doesn't want to be kept prisoner and forced to carry a child or several for the man who got her family killed! Even if you explained to her that it's on your orders she would never accept it!"

"I believe she would, if she understood why it is necessary. We're losing the war, Severus. Our only advantage is you, a perfectly positioned and extremely gifted spy who can not only provide us with information to save lives in the day to day, but might be able to discover where Voldemort is vulnerable. You might be the key to bring him down, Severus, so your position must be preserved at all costs. Accepting Lily as a reward not only will protect your cover, it might increase the amount and sensitivity of the information Voldemort trusts you with, which you must admit is not very high nor useful at the moment. This is the perfect way for you to prove your loyalty beyond a doubt, since Voldemort will never believe that I might condone keeping a woman prisoner for sexual enjoyment."

"That makes two of us," spat Severus.

Of course Dumbledore was right. While the Dark Lord was fond of Severus, he had been cautious with the information he shared with him since he had begun working as a spy so close to Dumbledore —the fact that he hadn't been told about Black said it all. If the Dark Lord saw in Lily's mind that Severus had truly kept her isolated and sexually abused, however, any doubts he might have about his trustworthiness or about his ability to keep Dumbledore out of his mind would dissipate and he might decide to include Severus in his most delicate plans. Strategically it was an excellent move, but it made Severus sick the idea of using Lily in such a way.

"Lily was already prepared to die and suffer for our cause before this terrible tragedy befell her," pressed on Dumbledore. "Don't you think she would be even more willing, even eager, to make sacrifices after Voldemort killed her husband and son?"

Severus buried his fingers in his hair, still loosely clutching his wand but knowing that he wasn't going to use it. The damned Headmaster was getting into his head, making him wonder if he could be right about Lily. Would she truly agree, if asked, to be repeatedly raped and even to bear him children if she knew it was to bring down the Dark Lord? Would she choose that fate over the chance of leaving the country or living in hiding? Severus had difficulty believing that anyone could make such a choice, but he had always been a selfish Slytherin, while Lily... She was a bloody Gryffindor, an activist Muggle-born, a member of the Order of the Phoenix. And she now had a personal grievance against the Dark Lord. Perhaps it was true that at this point she would be willing to undergo any sort of torment if she thought there was a chance her sacrifice would contribute to finishing the war.

She would not have the chance to voice her opinion nor her consent, though, and that was what made this situation completely fucked up. For her, it would be true rape, true violence and subjugation. For her, it would be defeat rather than willing sacrifice. She would not know that her suffering was serving a higher purpose, that she was protecting and increasing the usefulness of the Order's most valuable agent.

And she would not know that Severus didn't really want to do that to her.

Maybe Lily would go along with it if she knew, but was Severus willing to make the personal sacrifices that this would entail? He wanted Lily, and he wanted those hypothetical children with her, but not like this, not without her wanting it too. He couldn't bear seeing revulsion and hate in her eyes when he buried himself inside her, knowing that she would abort any child of his if she could. It would break his heart to see her suffering and brought to her knees, and it would drown him in guilt to be the one doing that to her.

And he was afraid. He feared not being able to keep everything firmly compartmentalized all the time and end up with his dark and noble impulses all mixed up inside him while he raped Lily.

"Damn you, Dumbledore!" he cursed. "I'm not so rehabilitated as you might think! I'm trying so hard to be better, but there's still darkness inside me and you're not helping me fight it, on the contrary! You're doing the same than the Dark Lord does: trying to corrupt me by giving me what I desire and making me unleash my inner beast on it! On Lily!"

A troubled expression clouded the Headmaster's face. Severus watched warily as the powerful wizard smoothly crossed the office and came to stand in front of him, gently placing a wrinkled hand on his shoulder.

"There is darkness in all of us, Severus," he said softly. "It's your will to fight it what defines you. The fact that you resist to do what I ask of you is what makes me trust that you will do it for the right reasons."

Severus shook Dumbledore's hand off his shoulder and glared at him.

"You don't understand anything, old man!" he growled. "I feel everything that I make myself feel to play a role, I am that person while in character. I can't completely dissociate myself from what I do, and afterwards I can only compartmentalize it to a certain degree. On a subconscious level everything is always there, lurking..."

What if repeatedly assaulting Lily made him develop a taste for it? Killing and torturing had that effect, and considering how intense an experience raping was Severus was pretty sure that one could quickly become addicted to that too.

"What if I..." he swallowed guiltily. "What if I get caught up in the role? It's hard to keep everything separated when there's pleasure involved, what if I end up enjoying to hurt her? I'm not sure I could always keep my Occlumency barriers in place while I..."

Dumbledore gave him a look of understanding before gesturing for him to return to his seat. Severus wordlessly obeyed, feeling drained and too weak to resist.

"I don't think it's necessary for you to employ Occlumency every time, Severus," said the Headmaster once he had settled back behind his desk, "at least not in such an extreme degree as I suspect you had to employ to perform the way you did in the memory you showed me. Last night you had to put up a convincing show and make sure that Lily was punished to Voldemort's satisfaction, so your cruelness and harshness was necessary. But not all your interactions with Lily will have to be that way. For what I saw in your memory, Voldemort knows that your goal is to get Lily to come willingly to you, so he will not expect you to mistreat her unnecessarily and he will not be suspicious if you positively reinforce her submission. You will have to force her at first, but I see no reason why you couldn't be essentially yourself during most of your intimacies. Even when you have to be rough that won't make you a monster, Severus, and you shouldn't feel guilty for enjoying the woman you love. It is that love what will keep the darkness at bay."

Severus buried his face in his hands. Dumbledore was tempting him worse than the Dark Lord. Could he truly afford not to be so cruel and brutal as he had been last night? Would the Dark Lord let him keep his treat if he was soft or at least not cruel with her? Lucius was gentle to the point of submissiveness with Narcissa and no one questioned his ruthlessness because of that. Of course it wasn't the same a pureblood wife than a mudblood pet, but perhaps Dumbledore was right in that the Dark Lord would expect Severus to strive for Lily's willingness. After all, her ultimate punishment would be to enjoy the attentions of the man who had gotten her husband and son killed.

He shook his head, but images of Lily's unwilling responsiveness last night seemed to have taken over his entire brain. Dumbledore, like the Dark Lord, was giving him the order and cart blanche to do with her as he pleased, insisting in that Lily would want him to do it, and Severus was finding increasingly difficult to resist the temptation. His cock twitched as desire coursed through him, and for a moment he lost himself in the fantasy of flooing back to Spinner's End and joining Lily in his bed.

It wasn't as if he wanted to cut off his arm —he wasn't even sure he could survive the attempt of getting rid of his Dark Mark—, and he wasn't very confident that he could evade the Dark Lord for too long if he defected. Without Dumbledore's protection, Lily would probably be safer warming the bed of a high ranked Death Eater than on the run with him. Running on her own and blending into the Muggle world she would stand a better chance, but Severus very much doubted she would do that if he didn't force her. She would want to come back and fight. Would she accuse him of selfishness if Severus refused to do what he had to to contribute to the Dark Lord's eventual downfall? If it was Dumbledore who explained it to her she would likely end up censuring Severus for not accepting her as a reward.

Staying in his clutches Lily would lose her freedom and the power of decision over her own body, and she would probably be tortured again —be it by another Death Eater, the Dark Lord or Severus himself—, even killed, at some point, but Dumbledore was probably right in that she would be willing to make that sacrifice for a good cause, especially now that she no longer had a family to live for. Could Severus bring himself to sacrifice her that way? He would do his damnest to protect her, but he knew that his hands would be mostly tied if he kept her as a pet.

While the idea of Lily suffering was unbearable to him, what troubled Severus the most —even as it thrilled him— was the idea of getting her pregnant. Would she be willing to make the sacrifice if she knew there would be children involved? Would he? Death Eaters' children were generally safe from the Dark Lord, but Severus' with Lily would only count as bastards, and filthy ones at that. Of course Severus would love them, but would he be able to protect them? And would Lily love any children he might give her? Would their children be allowed to attend to Hogwarts? Would they hate Severus at their mother's behest?

And just how long would Severus have to play the role of an evil Death Eater?

"What if I keep Lily prisoner her entire life and it's all for naught?" he asked with a sinking feeling. "The Dark Lord brags about being unable to die, and I don't think he's bluffing, Dumbledore. What if he can't be defeated and all I ever accomplish is to make Lily miserable and bring bastards to the world?"

"The war won't last forever, Severus," said Dumbledore with conviction. "There is still hope. Lily's son is dead, but the Prophecy can still refer to the son of Alice and Frank Longbottom."

"The boy is less than two years old," pointed out Severus. "It will be decades until he can do anything worthwhile, assuming he survives that long, and even then... If you cannot defeat the Dark Lord at the height of your power, how long it would take the Longbottom brat? And how in hell would he do it if the Dark Lord is immortal?"

"That remains to be seen, but I would guess that it will have to be a team effort. The boy will need to be given the tools to fulfill his destiny, information about his enemy being one of those tools. And no one stands a better chance of uncovering Voldemort's secrets than you do, Severus."

Severus ran a hand through his greasy hair in despair. It sounded like he would spend most of his life spying and raping Lily.

"What if I die before the Dark Lord is defeated and leave Lily and any children I might have had with her unprotected, never having told her the truth?" he asked with rising anxiety. "What if you die before the Dark Lord falls and I have no one to vouch for me? I would be thrown into Azkaban without a second thought and Lily would never believe that I didn't really want to do any of this." He stood up and began to pace, increasingly agitated. "What if Lily grows to hate me so much that by the time the Dark Lord falls not even you vouching for me is enough to make her forgive me? She would take our children away from me, she would never-"

"You're working yourself into a panic, Severus," cut him off Dumbledore firmly. "Breathe. You have my word that I will take as many measures as possible to ensure that Lily and any possible children of yours will be protected in the eventual case of your unexpected demise."

"You can't ensure that," objected Severus. "If I die Lily will be given to someone else, and our children killed-"

"You have no children yet, Severus, do try to calm down."

Severus tried to follow the breathing advice, and upon remembering that he was an expert Occlumens proceeded to use that skill to compose himself. It was true, he had no children yet, why did he feel as if he already had them? Christ, the day he actually became a father he would live in constant panic, he would have to carry Calming Draughts in all his pockets.

"You are right in that I might not be able to ensure their safety, Severus, not if they were out of my reach at the time of your hiphotetical death, but I would do what I could to extract them if possible and you might be able to put in place your own measures for their protection. I also give you my word that I would tell Lily the entire truth about you."

His throat seemed to be swelling to the size of a Quaffle, but he blinked away the tears that threatened to fall. He had to teach a class in like ten minutes, he couldn't show up looking as if he had been crying.

"I additionally will take measures so in the case of my unexpected demise your true allegiance won't die with me," continued the Headmaster. "Lily will know, Severus, and I highly doubt she would take your children from you. Worse case scenario you would have shared custody, I think."

A wave of emotion engulfed him again. He really was a mess today. It was silly, he knew, to be worrying about his imaginary children, but it comforted him to think that they would be as safe as possible and that if this nightmare ever was over Severus would not lose them entirely even if he lost Lily. It especially assuaged his misery —if only slightly— to think that whatever happened Lily —if she was alive at the end— would know that Severus had not been truly an evil bastard.

Did this mean that he had decided to accept his reward? It seemed that way, even though he hadn't consciously made the decision. Dumbledore seemed certain that he would do it, and Severus was pretty sure that the office's door would open for him now if he tried to get out.

Guilt twisted his stomach and his chest tightened at the thought that, after having promised Lily that he would not hurt her again, he would go back to rape her this very night.