Chapter 5

With a sharp intake of breath, Lily opened her eyes and blinked a few times before letting her heavy eyelids drop again. She felt as if she had woken up from the dead, her body stiff and her mind groggy, not to mention that everything ached as if she had been ran over by a truck. Disorientated, she opened her eyes again and tried to gather her bearings, but the unfamiliar ceiling she saw confused her, and the rest of the room only deepened her befuddlement. Where was she? Was she really awake? How had she gotten here?

And then everything came barrelling back into her mind.

Lily felt as if her heart was being triturated inside her chest, blood flooding her lungs making painful to breathe, while her stomach churned violently and she began to shudder. She glanced around in fear, and when she was certain that there was no one else in the room she curled up in a shaking ball. Tears began to slide down her face quickly evolving into a torrent of grief.

Her baby. James. Dead, both of them. Harry's little empty eyes. James burning in front of her eyes. Voldemort rocking the corpse of her son. And Severus...

He raped me. Severus raped me.

Suddenly Lily felt as if he were still impaling her, tearing her apart with his brutal girth, spilling his seed deep inside her. She slid a hand down between her legs, but finding nothing sticky there didn't relieve her rising nausea since the area was still tender. Excess saliva filled her mouth, and with a mixture of sob and gag reflex she leaned over the edge of the unfamiliar bed and retched. For several minutes she laid there, hanging at the edge of the mattress, heaving and sobbing by turns or at the same time until she slowly calmed down and rested her head on the soft sheet.

He must be in Severus' bed, she concluded after a long time focusing on just her breathing and the feel of the fabric under her cheek. Probably in Spinner's End, judging by the decaying look of everything around. Yes, she could remember the sitting room, even if it was all fuzzy.

You're safe now.

Severus' voice resounded in the back of her mind. He had healed her afterwards, she remembered. Her entire body was sore, and there was a burning sort of pain between her legs, but her face, neck, hip, tail-bone, no longer hurt.

I'm sorry. For everything.

Had he truly apologized, after all his unforgivable offenses?

Black eyes saturated with concern and remorse flashed before her. Had she dreamed that? Her frame shook as she broke into sobs again. Those were the eyes of her Severus. But he was gone, wasn't he? He couldn't have looked at her like that after everything he had done, her unhinged brain must have made it up either to comfort her or to torment her further by giving her hope that would undoubtedly be crushed the moment the real Severus walked into the room.

Or could it have been real? He hadn't met her eyes at any point while he raped her, would she have seen her Severus if he had looked at her then? Was the person she had known and loved still somewhere inside? Would it make a difference?

It shouldn't make a difference to her, she knew. Severus had plotted to kill her family, and then he had claimed her as a reward. He had hit her, humiliated her, forced her to look at her dead husband while he raped her, burned James' body in front of her frozen eyes. And Lily had heard him talk with that crazy bitch, Bellatrix Lestrange, later, she had heard him refer to her as a pet that was his to punish or-

A wave of shame crashed over her when she remembered that she had orgasmed being raped. How could she have enjoyed that? Everything had hurt, she had been drowning in grief, the feeling of Severus pounding into her had repulsed her, and yet...

It was too confusing and disturbing.

Why had he done it? Had it been out of hatred for James or out of lust for her? Did he want her, or did he just want to hurt her? Would it make a difference?

I won't hurt you again, I promise.

Her memory of those words was so clear, and Severus' promise had sounded so sincere... Could he really not mean to hurt her again? Was there any chance that he still cared about her? Maybe once he was away from Voldemort and all those creepy bastards Lily could convince him of letting her go...

Not that she had anything to go back to, of course. Her family was no more, and Lily felt defeated, the idea of continuing living after this was unbearable. She would definitely rather die than being kept prisoner by an evil Severus. But maybe if she were free she could find something else to live for or at least join the fray again. All her strength and will to fight had deserted her, at the moment she couldn't even muster any amount of anger or hatred towards Voldemort or Severus, but she knew that she must get back on her feet and keep going, that she couldn't give up when the war was still raging and there weren't enough fighters on the right side. If everyone who lost someone gave up, almost no one would be fighting at this point.

Lily must try to break free and keep going. She must be strong, for James, for her baby, for every other Muggle-born and innocent Muggle out there.

Assuming she could escape, that is. If not... then surely no one could expect her to hold on to life. Her fellow fighters would wish her as quick and painless a death as possible, and would hope she had the chance to take her own life if she wasn't allowed to die.

Lily shuddered and choked back another sob, new tears rolling down her face. Could she do it? Could she kill herself, if she had the opportunity? She had been prepared to die for the cause since she had joined the Order of the Phoenix, but she had always assumed someone else might kill her, that she would fall in battle hit by a Killing Curse or something like that. Killing herself would require a different kind of bravery.

Clearly she hadn't really understood what fighting in the war could entail. Lily had known the risks when she had decided to stay in Britain and fight instead of leaving the country like other Muggle-borns, but it had all been theoretical. Hearing of others' tragedies and even meeting people who had lost their loved ones or had been tortured or raped hadn't really prepared her for what it would be like to go through it herself.

She wished Severus had let her crawl into the flames with James. Out of her mind with grief and shame and pain, Lily had not even hesitated, she would have welcomed death without probably even realizing that she was killing herself. Doing it with a clear mind, though...

Lily struggled to sit up in the bed and looked around. What could she use? How hard would it be? What if she failed? How much would it hurt? Dumbledore, or perhaps Moody, really should give a course on suicide techniques for the new members of the Order.

As she searched for sharp objects or something else that might struck her with some morbid inspiration, her eyes fell on the night table, where there was a jar with water, a plate with food, a few phials and what seemed like a note. With a trembling hand, she reached for the piece of paper and peered at it, her throat swelling painfully at the sight of Severus' familiar handwriting.

Lily,

Eat and hydrate yourself.

Ingest pain reliever and muscle relaxant if required.

Apply healing salve in intimate area if required.

Rest.

PS. Chamber pot under the bed.

The note was concise and precise as a set of potions instructions, of course, not giving Lily any clue as to what Severus might have been feeling when writing it. Sure, the content suggested that he cared about her being healthy and without pain, but they were all strict commands, and the part about the chamber pot...

Lily glanced at the door, knowing with certainty that it must be locked. She was being held captive in this room, without even access to a proper bathroom. Any hope that Severus might be willing to let her go vanished.

And yet... she couldn't shake off the feeling that there might be hope for him. What he had done was unforgivable, but if her Severus was still inside... Was it naive to think it wasn't too late for him? Was she a messed up person herself for wanting to save the man who had raped her after getting her husband and son killed? Why couldn't she ever fully accept that she had lost Severus? All these years, and now this, and Lily still refused to completely give up on him.

It would be easier if she could hold on to the fury and loathing she had felt while he raped her, but those feelings had already left her by the time he had finished and now she couldn't find them anywhere inside her. She tried to get angry again bringing forward those horrible memories, replaying Voldemort's words about Severus wanting to see her widowed, the dark look in Severus' black eyes when he had struck her, the hatred in his voice when he had forced her to look at James' body... But all she could feel was grief, and she knew it was both for her dead family and for Severus.

Lily stubbornly refused to follow the instructions. She was thirsty, and the food provided was light, as if selected to soothe her upset stomach, but she didn't want to drink or eat anything in case dehydrating or starving herself to death was her only way out. She also didn't want to forget for one second what Severus had done to her, and the general soreness as well as the specific pain in her 'intimate area' was a constant reminder of that so she ignored the potions and the salve. And instead of resting she opted for climbing out of bed and verifying that the door was locked before exploring the room in search of things she might kill herself with.

She soon realized that it wouldn't be so easy as to find a penknife on the desk and slit her wrists open, though. Severus must have thought ahead of her, because there wasn't a single sharp object or surface in the room and there seemed to be unbreakable charms cast over anything that might serve to escape or hurt herself if broken. Still, Lily was confident that she could find a way to do it with enough creativity and perseverance, but it wasn't as if she really wanted to do it so she wasn't trying too hard to figure out how. No doubt if she were being held by Bellatrix Lestrange or some other sadistic Death Eater she would have already tried to hang herself with the bed sheets or bang her head against a wall, but the fact that it was Severus her captor made her hold on to the hope that she wouldn't need to kill herself.

Locked up with nothing to do, Lily whiled away the hours pacing the room or dissolving in accesses of grief. She kept forgetting that her husband and her baby were dead, but then she looked down at her empty arms, or some spot on the floor reminded her of the pile of ashes James had been reduced to, and everything hit her again as if it had just happened leaving her raw and breathless with pain and horror.

Darkness had long fallen and Lily had finally crawled back under the blankets when the door suddenly opened and a dark figure appeared in the doorway cut out against the bright hallway. Heart racing, Lily quickly sat up and braced herself for whatever might come, watching warily as soft light illuminated the room and the features of her childhood friend became recognizable.

Unfathomable black eyes fell on her and watched her for a long moment before Severus stepped in and closed the door behind him, relocking it with a lazy flick of his wand. He then crossed the room like an ominous shadow and came to stand by the bed, glancing at the untouched food and water before looking back at her.

"Come here," he commanded as he vanished the mess on the floor and sat at the edge of the bed.

Lily swallowed nervously and tried to meet his eyes, her heart giving a jolt when he made eye contact with her. She couldn't see anything in those unfathomable orbs of darkness, though. The hatred, lust and cruelty she had seen last night weren't there, but her Severus wasn't either, whoever and whatever this man was inside she couldn't tell just by looking at him.

"I said come here," he said sharply.

Deciding that it was pointless to refuse and not wanting to anger him quite so soon, Lily tried to keep his internal chaos at bay and scooted forward until she was within his reach, eyeing Severus' wand as she approached. If she could take it from him and stun him... She would bet anything that there must be anti-Apparition wards in place, and she wasn't sure she would be able to break whatever other wards Severus might have cast around the house without killing him, but she could at least send a Patronus to Dumbledore...

It was a question whether Severus' wand would agree to help her, though. If it was the same one he had bought at eleven, Lily knew it could be dangerous if someone other than him tried to wield it.

She flinched when Severus touched her, but she willed her body to somewhat relax when she realized that he wasn't hurting her. Instead he had gently —but firmly— grabbed her chin and was examining her eyes with a clinical attitude.

"Do you recognize me?" he asked. "Do you remember what happened last night?"

Lily narrowed her eyes.

"Yes," she hissed.

Severus studied her face for another long moment before letting go of her face and turning to fill a glass with water from the untouched jar.

"Drink," he said as he offered her the glass. Lily considered to refuse, but after a brief hesitation and seeing his adamant expression she obeyed. "Have you taken the potions? Did you apply the salve?"

She shook her head.

"Do you need to use the bathroom?"

Lily looked down and shook her head again, embarrassed. After resisting for hours she had finally resigned herself to use the chamber pot, which must have been the most humiliating thing she had done in her adult life. Being raped in front of a crowd of Death Eaters had been less mortifying.

Apparently not having anything else to say, Severus stood up and walked away from the bed. Lily watched as he unlocked one of the desk drawers and put his wand inside it before beginning the process of unbuttoning his robes. Her stomach sank and panic flared inside her at the realization that he was going to rape her again.

"Severus," she whispered. "Please let me go."

He ignored her and finished removing his outer robes before unlacing his boots.

"Severus..." her voice caught in her throat. "If you ever cared about me... please don't do this."

Having left his trousers on for the moment, Severus walked back to the edge of the bed and pointed a finger at the spot before him.

"Come here," he commanded.

Dread and anguish swelled inside her, and she regretted not to have made use of the healing salve. This was going to be a lot more painful if she was already sore.

"Come. Here," he repeated in a dangerous tone. His eyes flashed threateningly.

"You said you wouldn't hurt me again," sniffed Lily shaking her head and pressing herself against the headboard. "You promised."

"I won't hurt you... unless you make me," clarified Severus. "Come. Here."

Lily met his hard eyes and saw irritation and impatience in them. He was getting angry, and she felt certain that three times was the maximum amount of times he would give her the order nicely. He was going to hurt her if she didn't do as he said. Swallowing her anguish, Lily forced herself to obey, feeling something break inside her as she moved to occupy the spot Severus was pointing at.

He pulled her to her feet and gently wiped the tears from her face.

"I have never wanted to hurt you, Lily," he said looking into her eyes and for the first time allowing her to see something inside his. Her heart ached and confusion surged through her at his earnest sincerity.

"You hurt me... last night," she accused weakly.

Severus tread long fingers through her hair.

"Last night you needed to be punished," he said simply.

His words made indignation spark inside her.

"Why?" she spat, "Because I'm a Mudblood?"

She tried to step away from him, but Severus' fingers closed at the back of her head gripping her tightly by the hair.

"Because you are an insolent Mudblood," he corrected her calmly, running his other hand down her neck and sending a shiver down her spine. "A Mudblood who needed to learn her place. You were punished for believing yourself equal to a true witch, and for daring to defy the Dark Lord." Severus' fingers closed around her neck and he pressed his thumb hard under her chin, sudden hatred breaking through his calm as he met her eyes again. "Personally, I punished you for opening your legs for James Potter." The pressure around her neck tightened, but when Lily tried to break his hold his other hand released her hair and captured both her wrists in an iron grip. "That was a mistake," he whispered darkly into her ear. His fingers loosened when she began having trouble breathing, and a moment later they moved to caress her wet cheek instead. "But everyone makes mistakes. You were properly punished for yours, and were forgiven. As long as you don't make any new mistakes, there is no reason for you to be punished again."

Severus turned her around and pressed her back against him, recapturing her wrists again in front of her body.

"I will always be fair to you, Lily," he said as he buried his nose in her hair and slid his free hand down her side until he reached the hem of her long nightshirt. Fingers softly caressed her inner thigh. "I will only punish you if you misbehave. And I will reward you if you please me."

Lily felt sick. It sounded as if, in his mind, if he hurt her it would be her fault for 'misbehaving', how twisted was that? And did he really expect her to submit and try to please him? Her skin crawled at the realization that she had no idea who this disturbed man was. It wasn't her Severus, that's for sure. Her Severus had respected her as a witch... or had he? He had called her a Mudblood in fifth year, and she suspected that he had thought less of her because of her blood from the very first day they had met.

Severus' hand left her thigh and seemed to dig into his pocket, a clinking sound making Lily wonder what did he have in there. She found out very soon when something cold was pressed against her neck and, as her hands were released, a click sounded at the back of her neck. Lily raised her hands and panicked when she realized that he had locked around her neck some sort of metal collar. Like a pet, she thought in disgust.

"Take this off, you sick bastard!" she snarled as she desperately tried to prise it open.

Not only he ignored her demand, but the next moment he had fastened a similar metal cuff around one of her wrists and, to Lily's increased panic, his arm was forced backwards over her head until, after moving aside her hair, with another click the wrist cuff was connected to her brand new collar. She was struggling wildly, by this point, trying to get away from him, and when she finally managed to break his hold on her she swirled around with her free hand flying directly to his face.

"Careful, Lily," he warned intercepting her arm in midair. "Raising your hand against your master is a serious offense. I am being lenient now because you still have to learn what I expect of you, but I will not tolerate your disrespect and disobedience for long, do you understand?"

Lily literally spat in his face.

Severus slapped her, hard.

"Spitting in your master's face is also a serious offense," he said with barely restrained anger as he fastened another cuff around her right wrist and roughly twisted her arm backwards to connect it to the collar too. "Do it again and I will crucio you, do you understand?"

"You're sick!" yelled Lily, feeling extremely vulnerable with her hands secured in such a way.

Severus cupped her face, gently caressing the place he had just slapped.

"I don't want to hurt you, Lily," he said, sincerity again plain in his eyes. "Do you want me to hurt you?"

Tears of powerlessness and grief streamed down her face, confusion making her outrage waver. When Severus looked at her that way she couldn't stay angry.

"Please, Severus," she whispered meeting his eyes and trying to convey with hers just how much it hurt to be hurt by him of all people. "Take these things off."

"Not just yet," he said, grabbing with both hands the front of her nightshirt and tearing it open with a yank that made her stumble. He let the ruined garment fall to the floor in a heap and then guided Lily to the armchair by the window, where he sat down and pulled Lily over his lap facing away from him. "This is for your enjoyment, Lily, quite the opposite of hurting you. Don't resist."

There wasn't much that Lily could do to resist in her current position, with her arms locked behind her head and Severus' hands holding her over the hard bulge in his pants. As he spread her legs wider with his knees and began to trace tantalizing circles around her right breast while he pressed his other hand on her belly, Lily realized with horror that her body was unwillingly reacting to him... again. She squirmed and tried to ignore his touch, but Severus held her tighter and didn't relent his assault on her nipples, his lower hand slowly sliding downwards until his fingertips were resting lightly over her clitoris.

Her arms were burning and to her shame she was beginning to feel a hungry ache down there when Severus interrupted his torment to summon the jar of healing salve from the night table. Lily watched with a mixture of awe and envy the display of wandless magic, desperately wishing she could do the same, and shivered when Severus applied a generous measure between her legs with his right hand.

And then the real torment began.

The touch was definitely unwelcomed at first, given that the area was still tender from his assault last night, but Severus rubbed her gently until the salve began to take effect, and from that point forward Lily found increasingly difficult to remain indifferent to his expert handwork.

"Don't resist," he murmured in her ear when she began to squirm more violently, the fingers of his left hand digging into her ribs to hold her still. "Just close your eyes and relax. Don't fight it."

She tried to fight it, but it was futile. Somehow Severus had managed to restrain even her legs, and he knew exactly how to stroke her and how to use her squirming against her, the hard erection below her contributing its own share of tantalizing rubbing to the equation. He tortured her ruthlessly until, half against her will and involuntarily emmiting disarticulated sounds, Lily came apart in his hand.

Waves of pleasure were still rippling through her body when she vaguely noticed that she was being carried, and next thing she had been positioned facedown over the bed with her knees under her. Before she could completely recover from the dazed state the mind-blowing orgasm had left her in, her quivering walls were stretched by Severus' thick cock, which slid into her slowly and smootly from behind as he took hold of her hips.

Severus fucked her with wild abandon, but this time his intrusion wasn't painful and Lily found herself wishing him to ram into her even harder and harder. To her conflicting disappointment she wasn't shattered in a million pieces and it was over relatively quickly, Severus spilling himself as deep inside her as physically possible with one last savage thrust that reverberated all through her body and forced a strangled moan out of her.

She was barely conscious when her cuffs and collar were removed, and she fell asleep before she had recovered the sensitivity of her arms.

When Lily woke up an indefinite time later, she stretched under the sheets enjoying for a moment the feeling of contentment and physical relaxation, until once more everything came barrelling back into her mind and she was overwhelmed by grief and self-disgust. Her husband and child had been murdered and mocked in death less than twenty-four hours ago and Lily was not only still alive but climaxing for the man who had gotten them killed. She was certain that it was a deliberate part of her punishment, that Severus derived a vindictive pleasure from endeavouring to make her come longer and harder than she had ever come with James, but that didn't excuse her weakness.

She raised a hand to her neck and verified with relief that the metal band was gone, as were the cuffs. The idea of being forced to wear a collar all the time as if she were an animal had horrified her, but it seemed Severus had only meant to restrain her while he had his way with her. Probably so she couldn't scratch him again, but Lily also suspected that being restrained had made her orgasm more intense.

Shame and guilt burned inside her. She felt as if she had cheated on her husband, because, fetters aside, Severus' last assault had been almost like normal sex. He had taken his time to prepare her and even alleviate her previous pain with the salve before penetrating her, and he had entered slowly this time, allowing her to adjust to him before the pummelling began. Lily had been soaking wet by that time so despite the size it hadn't felt as if he had torn anything, and lost in her post-climax haze she hadn't presented any resistance —not that she could have done anything in that position.

Was it still rape if it didn't hurt? If she enjoyed it? Lily had not consented nor wanted it, but she feared it wouldn't be accurate to call it rape and that made her feel as if she had no right to complain about it. Would she have preferred it to be painful and rough like the last time? She wasn't sure.

Lily had expected to be tortured and possibly raped if she ever was captured alive, but she had never imagined this sort of imprisonment. It made the decision of killing herself to escape it less straightforward, although that might be because it was Severus. She was certain that if it were any other Death Eater she wouldn't feel so much guilt, and her absolute revulsion, humiliation and loathing would render her desperate to kill them or at least herself. If it were anyone else, Lily no doubt would have presented a lot more resistance from the moment her assailant had walked into the room, and she would have preferred to be beaten and crucio'd rather than obeying a single order.

She was having trouble reacting to Severus as she should, however. Her heart and her body both betrayed her, and her mind was too confused and overwhelmed to be of any help.

Lily startled when a warm hand suddenly brushed her cheek, and she realized that Severus had reappeared by her side probably drawn by her quiet sobs. He caressed her gently, the soothing gesture making her feel even more conflicted and disgusted with herself.

"There is nothing shameful in enjoying being with me, Lily," he whispered as he treaded his fingers through her hair. "You were always supposed to be mine. Deep down, you know that."

Lily looked up at him. Severus, her Severus, was looking down at her, the same possessiveness she had seen so many times when they were young burning in his black eyes. She had been desperate for a sign that the boy she had known and loved was still there, but now that she had it she realized that it made everything more confusing and painful.

So she had been right: Severus had fancied her back when they were at school. He had always wanted her, and he had gotten her husband and child killed to have her all to himself. Lily wondered if this was what he had always wanted to do to her or if his intentions had been noble at some point. He had always been authoritarian, and he had often tried to control her, so she would wager being with him would have been pretty much like this even if he hadn't turned completely evil. Would she have submitted willingly to him, though? Unlikely. Lily had never let him bossing her around, that's why they had quarrelled so much.

Would a relationship between them have ended in violence? If Lily had had her wand with her she certainly would have hexed him if he had tried to do anything to her without her consent, and she would have left him if he had ever struck her. She would have never tolerated him threatening her with punishing her if she misbehaved, and it would have been the end —as it had been— if he had suggested that she wasn't a true witch because of her muggle parentage.

Despite all that, as she held Severus' possessive gaze Lily couldn't help to wonder if he was right. When they were young she had felt that they belonged together, and now that she knew that he had fancied her she was pretty sure that she would have ended up with him if Severus had not been so determined to become a Death Eater. Putting an end to her friendship with him after that day in fifth year when he had called her a Mudblood had felt like tearing apart half her soul, and she had never managed to shake off the feeling that it had been a terrible mistake. Maybe if she had accepted his apology that day, if she had tried harder to keep him away from the darkness, Severus would have not become a monster and they would have ended up together as they were supposed to. If they had, Lily would have never married James nor had Harry, but seeing how things had turned out perhaps that would have been for the best.

Now it was far too late to end up together. Everything was so twisted inside Severus' head that he undoubtedly couldn't see on how many levels this was completely wrong and sick. He had destroyed her family, raped her brutally, burned the body of her husband in front of her eyes, made a prisoner of her, and called it all a deserved punishment. He had forgiven her for her supposed mistakes, and now said she should enjoy being with him. After warning her that he would crucio her if she disrespected her new master.

It was completely fucked-up.

Why, then, all Lily managed to feel as he looked into his dark eyes was sadness? Was it because of those fuzzy memories she had of last night, when he was healing her after having raped her? Clearly she had imagined it all or at least distorted it inside her mind, because that Severus didn't exist. The real Severus didn't really care about her, and wouldn't hesitate to hurt her if she refused to obey the simplest command. The real Severus wasn't sorry about anything.

Lily didn't resist when Severus scooped her up and carried her out of the room and into a bathroom, where he put her down and made her sit on the toilet while he prepared a bath for her. She obediently climbed into the tub when instructed, and didn't object when he began gently washing her body. Her mind couldn't quite assimilate how she had gone from bathing her little baby one night to be naked in a tub with Severus gently washing away the excess of his semen the next night.

Nothing felt real. Lily's eyes fell on her wrists, where she could see and feel the marks left by the cuffs. Judging by the pain in her neck, the collar must have also dug into her skin in her attempts to free herself. Her ribs on the left side also hurt, and her face where Severus had slapped her earlier. Those evidences of rough treatment made Lily feel a little better, even if it was nothing compared to the previous time. Maybe this had been rape too.

It worried her how easy it had been for Severus to subdue her. Where was her Gryffindor defiance? This wasn't her. Lily was a fighter, for Merlin's sake, a member of the Order of the Phoenix! If she were being held by any other Death Eater, surely she wouldn't be making things so easy for her captor. But Severus held a special kind of power over her, a power sustained in the emotional pain that he could cause her by striking her, or by saying cruel things to her, or simply by looking at her coldly.

As Severus moved up to wash her breasts, lingering in the area much longer than any pair of breasts required, full realization of her situation hit Lily. Severus was never going to let her go. He was going to keep her locked up forever, messing with her head and her body until she was rendered as submissive and happy to comply as he wanted. He was going to crush her spirit and persuade her body of preferring him over James. And he was going to replace her dead baby with his own bastard.

Severus' head suddenly jerked up and turned towards the door, his expression concentrated as if he were trying to hear some distant sound. A moment later he removed his hand from the water and, drying himself with a towel, swiftly walked out of the bathroom.

Lily stared at the open door for several seconds, wondering if Voldemort or some other psychopath had come to visit, until she suddenly realized that she had been left alone in a bathtub full of water. Her heart began pounding wildly against her chest as fear coursed through her body. Could she do it? Was she brave enough to take the cowardly way out? She would have liked to have more time to decide, but when would she have another opportunity like this one? And what was to decide, anyway? Lily couldn't live like this.

Drowning sounded like a much more effective and less painful alternative than banging her head against a wall. And she should take the opportunity to do it now, before Severus could get her pregnant, since she didn't think she could bring herself to take her own life if she had a child growing inside her or depending on her.

Would she see James and her little one again?

Lily took a ragged breath, grief oppressing her heart, and whispered a last goodbye to this horrible world before laying herself to rest under the surface of the water.