Chapter 6

Severus checked his watch as he made his way downstairs. He had intended to already be done with Lily when Lucius arrived, but he had opted for letting her nap for a little while and he had lost track of time watching her sleep. Absorbed in his guilty thoughts, he had completely forgotten Lucius by the time he had carried Lily to the bathroom, and washing her naked body had not helped him recover his focus.

"I'm never walking through this Muggle dump again," declared Lucius scornfully the moment that Severus disabled the wards and opened the front door. "Either you give me access to your Floo, or you can forget any further visits."

"Just get in," growled Severus.

"Still mad, are you?" drawled Lucius as he crossed the doorway and looked around the sitting room with obvious distaste. "I must say, it surprized me that you called for me so soon, it usually takes you about a month to forgive an imaginary offense."

"It wasn't imaginary," said Severus coldly, "and I haven't forgiven. But I thought I might take advantage of your guilt to ask you a favour."

"So very Slytherin of you," commented Lucius with amusement. "But you forget I don't feel guilty about anything."

"The fact that you walked through a Muggle dump to visit me suggests otherwise," said Severus raising an eyebrow. "Pour yourself a drink, if you wish, I'll be with you as soon as I have locked my little pet in her cage."

He walked away without another word, but to his annoyance Lucius followed him up the stairs.

"You don't actually keep her in a cage, do you? That sounds more Mulciber's style."

"Mulciber hangs them," corrected Severus. "Cages are Macnair's style. I would like to think I'm more civilized than-"

He cut himself short when he reached the first floor and saw the empty bathtub through the bathroom's open door. Had Lily got out on her own and returned to the bedroom? There wasn't any way she could have escaped, was there?

Panic rendered him mentally incoherent when he drew closer and saw that Lily was still in the bathtub, her red hair sprayed all around her face under the water. Cursing under his breath, he ran to her and frantically pulled her out, terror coursing through him as he tried to reanimate her.

"Damn you, Lily!" he snarled furiously, starting chest compressions. There was a spell for this, but in his current mental state he couldn't remember the incantation and he didn't dare interrupting what he was doing to pull out his wand.

He tried again mouth-to-mouth, and to his inexpressible relief Lily suddenly coughed and her chest expanded as she took in a ragged breath. Severus immediately turned her on her side and held her in that position until he was confident that she had expelled most of the water and her breathing had somewhat regularized.

Adrenaline was still rushing through his entire body and he felt in need of resuscitation himself, but sense was quickly returning to Severus' mind and he became aware that Lucius was standing by the door, watching. He knew that his fellow Death Eater would report to the Dark Lord everything he saw here tonight —Lucius always volunteered as much information as he could in the hopes that the Dark Lord would not consider necessary to regularly examine his mind—, so he couldn't afford to fall apart nor clutch Lily against his chest like a man who had almost lost the love of his life. The only thing he could afford to express was anger, and he had enough of that inside —directed mostly at fucking Dumbledore, but also at himself for being so stupid as to leave Lily alone in a bathtub for even a second— so Severus allowed himself to release some of his emotional turmoil punching the mirror over the sink. The damned thing didn't break, due to the unbreakable charms he had cast earlier, so he kept punching it in frustration until his blood began smearing his hateful reflection.

He saw that Lily was awake and was watching him warily from the floor, fear and anguish in her tearful eyes. She had also begun to shiver, but Severus couldn't afford to be anything but harsh at the moment so instead of drying her or comforting her he roughly pulled her to her feet and, grabbing her by the neck, forced her head into the tub again. With his mind firmly Occluded and his heart somehow shut down, Severus kept Lily under the water for several seconds and then pulled her out again.

"I won't allow you to die, Lily," he growled into her ear. "But if you're curious to know how drowning feels I will show you."

He pushed her head down again, noticing with satisfaction that she was struggling to get out, and then pulled her out once more.

"Stop!" rasped Lily breathlessly. "Please, let me go!"

"We can play this game every day if you want," he said, forcing her face down again until she was staring at the surface of the water. "I can make this hell for you, Lily, is that what you want?"

"No!" she sobbed. "Please, Severus, just let me die... let me die..."

"Never," he hissed. "But I will make you really wish for death if you ever try to take yourself away from me again, do you understand?" Lily just sobbed in response so Severus shook her. "Answer me! Do you understand?"

"Y-yes," she said in a small, broken voice.

Satisfied, Severus released her neck and scooped her up, Lucius making way for him as he carried her out of the bathroom and into the bedroom. He none-too-gently dumped her on the bed and proceeded to tie her up, binding her arms and legs to the four posters of the bed with conjured ropes. Thus secured against further suicide attempts, he dried her body and hair with a few spells and, finally remembering the incantation to remove water from the lungs, he cast that too to help prevent a pneumonia, thinking that he could fill her up with potions later.

All that done, he paused to admire the sight of her naked body spread open and restrained on all ends, a desire to crawl between her legs and fuck her again —whether in anger, desperation or anxiety he couldn't say— rising inside him. By the lustful look in Lucius' eyes, he was thinking along the same lines.

"I don't share, Lucius," he reminded him sharply, fighting the urge to cover Lily or curse Lucius' eyes out. He hated that, unlike wives, pets were expected to be exhibited and often passed around.

The aristocrat sighed.

"Shame," he said wistfully, still devouring Lily with his cold, grey eyes. "Just imagine what we could do to her if we worked together."

Lily's eyes widened in panic and she sent an imploring look in Severus' direction.

"Would you share Narcissa?" asked Severus, looking away from Lily and proceeding to fix his knuckles holding his wand with his left hand.

"That's hardly the same," pointed out Lucius, picking up with a smirk the cuffs and collar that had been left at the end of the bed. "But you're welcome to join us, actually. Narcissa has already suggested it."

Severus raised an eyebrow.

"Narcissa Black would invite a half-blood into her marriage bed?" he asked in disbelief.

"She has heard of your attributes," said Lucius with a shrug. "Women —Bellatrix doesn't count as one— tend to care more about that sort of thing than about blood. She thinks you would be an interesting addition."

"And what do you think?" asked Severus, still incredulous. "Wouldn't you feel threatened?"

"Please," scoffed Lucius. "I have seen what you've got, it's nothing a Malfoy can't match."

"Then perhaps Narcissa is more interested in my skills than in my attributes," smirked Severus. "You know, the properties of the wand matter little if the wizard doesn't know how to wield it."

"I can wield mine better than most," bragged Lucius, glancing at Lily again. "I will be happy to demonstrate. Unless you would feel threatened."

Severus ignored the challenge, and he ignored Lily's eyes too. Holding this conversation in front of her while she was tied up and naked made him feel like a callous bastard, but he wasn't expected to care about humiliating or hurting the feelings of his pet so he pretended not to. If he was going to go along with Dumbledore's cold-hearted plan, he had to play the part of a cold-hearted bastard too.

"I don't share," he repeated, motioning Lucius towards the door. "But I will consider to show you what to do with Narcissa, if you're so desperate for instruction."

Lucius snorted as he exited the room. Severus didn't look at Lily again before turning off the lights and locking the door behind him, thinking miserably that if she ever forgave him for any of this it would be a bloody miracle. This was all strategically good, he told himself. The Dark Lord very rarely killed anyone who wanted to die, so Lily trying to kill herself would ensure that he didn't change his mind about sparing her anytime soon. If Lucius further reported Severus' harsh reaction to the suicide attempt, the cuff marks, and the fact that Lily was kept naked and restrained for Severus' pleasure, the Dark Lord might be satisfied for the moment that she was being appropriately punished and would not come to check her mind too soon.

Once back in the sitting room, Severus poured some drinks for them and settled in his father's armchair while Lucius conjured his own fancy throne-like seat.

"So, what will it cost me your forgiveness?" asked his fellow Death Eater after taking a sip of his mead.

"A house-elf would do," said Severus. "If you have one to spare, that is."

Lucius considered the request.

"Yes, I can see why you would need one now," he mused. "That girl will have to be on suicide watch all day long."

Severus nodded, guilt twisting his stomach while the pain of rejection oppressed his heart. He knew that Lily was mad with grief and that as far as she knew she was being held captive by a sick bastard, but it still hurt that she could prefer to die rather than being with him.

"She also needs a caretaker," he said, "since my job at Hogwarts under Dumbledore's close scrutiny will prevent me from visiting her every day."

Lucius thought for a moment.

"I can lend you an elf," he decided with a nod. "I have one that I only use to vent my frustrations, and the Muggles in my basement are more satisfying in that regard."

"I'm sure they are," drawled Severus. "I would need the elf to be given instructions of not obeying anyone but me."

"If you worry about Bellatrix, don't," reassured him Lucius. "I made sure all my elves know to stay away from her, since she has a nasty habit of chopping off the heads of any elf that displeases her even if they are not hers, and Narcissa doesn't want her interfering with her household either so she won't give her authority over any elf. Bellatrix knows where you live, though, so you should make sure your wards are strong enough."

Severus felt uneasy. He had designed the wards of Spinner's End himself, and he was confident that no one less powerful than the Dark Lord, Dumbledore or the Ministry could breach them, but he still didn't like the idea of leaving Lily in a house Bellatrix knew the address of. Perhaps he should revisit the idea of the Fidelius, although given the turn things had taken his Secret Keeper would have to be the Dark Lord rather than Dumbledore.

It was infuriating. Severus would very much rather to borrow a house-elf from Hogwarts and to rely on the Headmaster for protection, but the bloody old man was forcing him to trust Lily's life to the darkness instead.

"Bellatrix told Narcissa," said Lucius suddenly, breaking the silence they had subsided into. "About the Potter boy. She had already heard about the attack, but... I had hoped to spare her the details."

Severus studied the aristocratic face of his ruthless friend. Lucius seemed troubled, and it was easy to guess why. Right now, most of the Death Eaters must be struggling with similar doubts and fears.

"I explained to her that the brat had to die," continued Lucius. "But she's still afraid. Draco is the same age, you know."

"Draco is safe," assured him Severus, knowing that Lucius was voicing his own fears together with Narcissa's. "Magical children in general —as long as they are of wizarding descent— will be safe in the Dark Lord's regime. Our master knows blood lineages must be preserved if possible."

In truth, Severus was concerned by his master's increased evilness, and at this point he was pretty sure that the Dark Lord was half-insane and might any day decide to slaughter all the children in Britain on a whim, but Lucius wasn't a good enough Occlumens to be able to afford similar concerns so he must be dissuaded of entertaining whatever thoughts were troubling him now.

"Yes, of course," said Lucius. "But I can't help to question-"

"As your friend, I advise you not to question anything," cut him off Severus with a pointed look.

Lucius held his eyes for several seconds before nodding and recomposing his face in the usual disdainful mask.

"You are such a good friend, Severus," he drawled. "I wouldn't trust anyone else with my family's safety, if something were to befell me." His unusual solemnity was broken by a suggestive smirk. "I wouldn't trust anyone else with my wife's needs either."

Severus snorted.

"You're really making me curious, Lucius. I might accept your invitation just to see what the hell you two do behind closed doors. To be honest I had a rather boring idea of your marriage."

Lucius just smirked in reply and took another sip of mead. Severus reflected that until yesterday he probably would have truly considered it, even if he didn't really feel comfortable in such proximity to another man, since the idea of fucking Narcissa two on one was undeniably arousing. But he had Lily now, and he intended to be a hundred percent faithful to her even if no one would expect him to be faithful to a pet.

He sighed.

"I do have another favour to ask of you, Lucius," he said seriously. "If something were to befell me... I would ask you to protect any children I might have, even if they are bastards, and open as many opportunities in life for them as you could."

Lucius met his eyes again and nodded.

"Of course, Severus. I would look after them," he promised.

"And Lily."

His friend hesitated.

"That I cannot promise," he said, and to his credit he sounded mildly regretful.

"You could claim her for yourself," suggested Severus, thinking that at least that would win Dumbledore time to extract her. "Or, if that were not possible... I would ask you to kill her."

Lucius still seemed hesitant, but Severus' piercing gaze was clearly getting to him, and he finally sighed.

"Fine," he said. "Claiming her would be easier than killing her, if she is given to Bellatrix, but I stand a better chance than most of not getting killed in retaliation by that crazy bitch, so I would at least try."

Severus nodded. That was the best he could hope for.

"Thank you."

Severus stayed sitting by the fire for some time after Lucius had left. After the events of the night so far, and particularly the suicide attempt, he was feeling the urge to drown himself in firewhisky, only managing to resist because he didn't want to go to Lily smelling like a drunk. That would be the last step to becoming his disgusting father, so Severus hadn't even touched his mead while talking with Lucius.

He couldn't stop imagining Lily upstairs, lying naked and restrained in the dark, possibly shivering and crying after having tried to kill herself. Severus had no idea what to do with her now. Should he punish her further? Rape her brutally? Or should he forgive her and try to make up for his harshness? Any alternative that included keeping her locked up and subjugated made him feel horribly guilty and disgusted with himself.

This was too cruel, too monstrous. Lily had lost people she loved only a day ago, even if Severus didn't think Potter was worth any grief she should be granted time to grieve her family. Instead he was forcing her to come to terms with the fact that she would be a prisoner forever, and he must be really messing with her head by making her feel pleasure in the midst of her suffering.

Perhaps he should try not to make her come? That should be easy enough. But Severus didn't want her to feel used, and fucking a woman without ensuring her at least one orgasm was using her like a piece of meat. He might be selfish about many things, but not about that, and he wanted Lily to know that about him seeing that it was pretty much the only way he was currently allowed to demonstrate that he wasn't a complete bastard. He couldn't tell her everything he would want to tell her with words, but he could at least show her that he cared about her with his body.

Severus shook his head in disgust. The same body he had used to strike her and to hold her head under the water.

He knew he was sending her mixed signals, and that every time he treated her harshly he was undoing any progress he might have made treating her gently, but it was an inevitable part of the process of forcefully training her as a submissive. And as much as it pained him to have to bring Lily to her knees she would be safer and would suffer less in the long term if she submitted to him.

It had only been a day, he reminded himself. Things would get better. Lily would learn, and hopefully Severus would not have to punish her too often. She would see that he only hurt her if he must, and that he took proper care of her.

He buried his face in his hands. Was he really doing this? Should he do it? Severus was having trouble remembering Dumbledore's arguments. After the events of the last two hours all he knew was that this was completely fucked-up, and all he felt was a desperate urge to run upstairs, release Lily and tell her the entire truth. At this moment he didn't care if she forgave him or not, all he wanted was to stop her suffering and take her to some safe place where she could grieve in peace.

Tears were running down his face. Why should he go along with Dumbledore's sick plan? How could he accept to sacrifice Lily for any cause? The old man had somehow convinced him that Lily would want this, but it was a fact that this Lily, the one that was real now, didn't want this and was desperate to be put out of her misery. And Severus couldn't help to feel, to know, that if he went along with this he would damage her, himself, and any possibility between them beyond repair.

It was too heavy a price to pay for just the uncertain possibility that Severus' position as a spy might contribute to ending the war. Even if he knew for certain that it would, how could it be right to sacrifice both their lives and potential happiness for the lives and happiness of others? Severus might be able to understand why, after everything he had done, he might not be entitled to anything but a life of atonement and torment, but why did others have more right to live and be happy than Lily? She might not be perfect, but she was kind and innocent, far more worthy of good things than most people.

Severus wiped his face and stood up, stumbling under the weight of the monstrous decision that had been placed on his shoulders. He had no idea what to do, and no one he could trust to tell him what the right decision was. Dumbledore didn't care about Lily, so his opinion wasn't enough to convince him, and who else could Severus talk about this? He knew what most people in the light side would say, but even though they would give him the answer he wanted —they would tell him to send Dumbledore to hell and free Lily— he knew he couldn't trust their opinions either. Because it wouldn't be on their consciences the thousands and millions of lives that would be lost if the Dark Lord was never defeated. They wouldn't have to always wonder if they could have made up for all the crimes they had commited and earned the respect, if not the forgiveness, of the person they loved.

He felt simultaneously heavy and light as he climbed the stairs, a cry of anguish stuck in his throat. The door of the bedroom opened with an ominous creak, lamps illuminating the sickening scene he had callously turned his back to over half an hour ago. Lily was naked on top of the bed, her limbs spread open and tied with ropes to the four corners of the bed. Her frightened green eyes were watching him warily, still nothing but misery and fear in them. Severus could not comprehend why she didn't seem to hate him yet. No doubt she would get there soon enough, but he had expected her to viciously hate his guts by this point.

Feeling lost, Severus crossed the room and with a flick of his wand vanished all the ropes. As if unsure whether she was allowed to move or not, Lily slowly, cautiously flexed her arms and legs and retreated as much as she could on the bed, curling herself into a ball against the headboard. It was the image of an abused, terrified victim, and Severus felt monstrous for having put such fear in her. Everything inside him hurt and bled, and while he somehow managed not to shed tears he was sure that his eyes must look unusually bright.

He sat at the edge of the bed and patted softly the mattress beside him.

"Come here," he said.

He sounded more tired than commanding, but Lily obeyed almost at once, apparently too afraid to defy him at the moment. Severus touched her skin to confirm that she was cold and cast a warming charm on her before reaching for a blanket and wrapping it tightly around her. He moved a bit closer and gently ran a hand through her hair, hoping to soothe her fear in some degree. Lily flinched at his touch, but seemed to gradually relax by a combination of his non-threatening attitude and the warming of her body.

Severus placed a hand under her chin and held her face angled upwards while he stared into those startling green eyes that still showed no traces of hate or anger. He chose his words very carefully, hoping to bring forward the thoughts he needed while still sounding like a bastard.

"You would have nothing if you died, Lily," he said. "And you would have nothing if you were free. Potter is dead, your child is dead, your house has been burned to the ground. There's nothing for you out there. No one to be with, no life but one of running and hiding like a rat."

Lily's eyes filled with tears as he spoke, but Severus saw beyond them. Her grief hit him like a Bludger straight to his heart, unbearable images of Potter smiling, kissing her, making love to her flying by, a toddler with green eyes laughing and touching her face with his tiny soft hand, a garden, a cat, concern about the cat having burned to death. Severus desperately wanted to escape all those evidences of a happy life filled with love, but he forced himself to watch on, and soon Lily's feelings and thoughts took a darker turn. Conjured up images of a life without her family nor anything to look forward on a personal level flashed by followed by the faces of Dumbledore, Black, Lupin, Alastor Moody and many other members of the Order of the Phoenix, scenarios in which they fought side by side against masked Death Eaters or the Dark Lord himself, defending innocent people and saving babies from ending up like her son. Then Lily's thoughts drifted towards Severus, dressed as a Death Eater and meeting her in battle...

He withdrew from her mind at that point, not wanting to see what she envisioned herself doing in that situation, afraid to find out how she truly felt about him.

Dumbledore had been right about Lily not being proficient at Occlumency, although it would be more accurate to say that she was completely incapable of it. Maybe if Severus had been actively searching through her memories she would have at least sensed the intrusion, but since he had only been passively watching the surface of her mind she hadn't noticed anything at all.

Lily didn't say anything in answer to his words, but Severus had seen enough to gather that, if she were free, she would dedicate the rest of her life to fight against the Dark Lord. He had seen images in her mind of unknown people who had seemed to have lost their families too and still kept fighting, of Order members dying or being maimed in the attempt to save others. He had felt her indignation, her despair, her anguish at the thought that future Muggle-borns like her might never get to see Hogwarts.

Severus had to resource to the full power of his Occlumency to keep himself from betraying his emotions after the heart-wrenching experience of being inside Lily's grieving mind. He wanted to cry, to hug her, to beg for her forgiveness. To tell her that, even though she would not know for a while or perhaps ever, she would get her wish of dedicating the rest of her life to the cause.

Because she had given him the answer to his unbearable dilemma. Severus didn't want to do this, but after seeing into Lily's mind he was almost certain that, just as Dumbledore had said, she would want to make the sacrifice if she were given the choice. And Lily's opinion was the only one he could trust on this.

Severus didn't think he had ever loved Lily so much as he was loving her right now. It was a love that made him want to fall to his knees and cry, and that just couldn't be completely disciplined with Occlumency. He could feel it overflowing his mind and his heart, and he could only hope it wasn't too obvious in his eyes.

The decision he had just made meant that he would keep hurting and oppressing Lily, that he would have to subjugate her and made her fear him. Severus would enslave her, and punish her, and do whatever he had to do to her to maintain his cover, probably ensuring that if at the end they were both still alive he would have managed to hurt her so deeply that the truth would not be enough to heal the wounds in her heart.

At least once, though, he wanted to be fully himself and share all his love with her. Moved by this profound need, Severus reverently took Lily's face in his hands and slowly, very slowly, leaned forward, carefully watching her reaction and hoping with all his heart that she would not flinch nor pull back. She didn't, and while Severus knew she was most likely frozen by terror, he couldn't expect better in the current circumstances so he was just grateful for her stillness as he finally, softly, for the first time ever, pressed his lips to hers.

His soul trembled, and his heart swelled so much that he felt as if it would break his ribs and jump across the space between them to try to join Lily's in her chest. Overwhelmed by emotion, Severus slid one hand through her hair to hold the back of her head while the other one sneaked downwards under the blanket and came to rest on her waist, his lips delicately pressing forward and humbly begging hers to respond.

Lily was stiff as a board at first, but the gentleness —or perhaps the lovingness— of his advances slowly melted her against him, until suddenly Severus realized in mind-blowing disbelief that she was hesitantly kissing him back. Feeling as though he might have a heart attack, he deepened the kiss and tightened his hold on her, gently pulling her onto his lap. He was breathing hard and erratically by this point, still riding the wave of high emotion, and while Lily wasn't nearly as exuberant in her demonstrations she was breathless too and one of her hands was clutching the front of his robes.

It was heaven. Without really knowing how it had happened, Severus found himself horizontal, leaning over her naked body in the middle of the bed. His robes somehow vanished, his trousers were pulled down, and suddenly Lily was gasping as he slid his loving cock inside her.

Her eyes were closed and soft moans poured out of her slightly open mouth as he buried himself inside her over and over and over again. Severus' breath caught in his throat when he felt her walls spasm around him, the sight of Lily arching her back and articulating a mute scream of ecstasy the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, and when he reached his own climax a few powerful thrusts later, he felt as if he was filling her up with his love rather than with his seed.

Severus departed some time later leaving Lily once again tied up to the bed and crying convulsively.