A/N: Thank you all for the awesome, in several cases wonderfully detailed reviews. I depend on you for feedback, both on the quality of my writing and on the contents of the story, so please keep leaving your comments and suggestions. Even if you can only spare a few seconds to let me know that you liked a chapter or that you're looking forward to more it really helps motivating me, and if you can expand on what the story makes you feel or think even better. I never know whether I'm managing to transmit with words what I'm trying to share until someone tells me, and I really need to know so I can improve as a writer so please for your own benefit as reader take a moment to throw me some feedback. What I need the most is to know whether what I write stirs something inside you, but it also interest me to hear of the internal conflicts that this twisted story might generate in you.
I have been accused of spoiling you with so regular updates. I really enjoy writing this, and the response from you readers has been great so far so I'm happy to continue spoiling you while I can. However those who are following my other stories must know by this point that I have an annoying tendency to start new stories and stop updating the others just when they were getting good, so I feel I should warn you that might come to happen with this story too. I'm confident that I will stick with this one until the end, though, probably because of all the sex (who doesn't get motivated by that?).
If there are readers of my other stories here... I'm sorry! I swear I will not abandon any story, but it will take me time to finish them all since I can only properly focus on one at the time. I do hate myself for leaving stories unfinished, I wish I could write faster so my mind wouldn't get ahead of me and come up with ideas for other stories before I finish the one I'm working on, but I cannot really regret allowing myself to explore those new ideas since the result is a lot of interesting stories. I certainly would not have ended up writing this if I hadn't allowed myself to follow those tempting suggestions of my overactive mind.
Thank you so much for reviewing, please don't stop :)
Chapter 7
Severus had felt wildly out of place teaching children since he had begun to work at Hogwarts, but there were days, like this one, and yesterday, when that feeling was so strong that it made him seriously consider to present his resignation. It was just plain wrong that a man who spent his nights torturing, killing or raping could be allowed to be anywhere near children. Severus belonged with the lowest, darkest, most dangerous scum in the world, he should not have in his hands the responsibility of guiding and protecting the young.
His eyes fell on a tiny Hufflepuff girl that was glaring at her potion as if the potion had ruined itself just to spite her. He knew that she was Muggle-born, and as it was a bad day he couldn't help to wonder whether he would have to torture, rape or kill her himself one day. Severus had already been required to painfully execute a few schoolmates, but he had a feeling that harming one of his students would be much harder on his conscience. He felt sick imagining himself raping a girl who hadn't even heard of puberty yet, and he hated Dumbledore for not allowing him to defect.
It was a relief when the bell finally rang and all the innocent children rushed to put as much distance as possible from him. Brimming with self-revulsion, Severus put the classroom in order before going back to his office, where he was greeted by the sight of a stillborn chimaera stuck in a glass jar. Feeling even more disgusted with himself, and knowing that he would not be able to be inside his office as long as all those specimens rested along the walls with their dead eyes staring accusingly at him, he decided to skip dinner and take care of throwing everything away.
The office seemed bigger without all that shit, and Severus felt cold and bereft surrounded by empty walls, but at least now he wouldn't be assaulted by memories of Lily's pickled dead child every time he looked up from his work. Those disturbing images had haunted him since Halloween, and his guilt had intensified since last night, when he had seen the toddler alive and laughing in Lily's mind. The softness of its little hands and the adoration associated to the memory had left an unfading print in his brain that filled him with all sorts of guilts, the biggest one being the one that he felt for wanting Lily to forget that child and direct all her adoration instead to the one he hoped to give her soon.
Severus was entertaining the idea of borrowing some dark art from Lucius to redecorate —he was the Head of Slytherin and a nasty Death Eater, so his office was expected to be a foreboding place— when he received Dumbledore's summons. For a moment he seriously considered to ignore the Headmaster and see what happened, not being in the mood to deal with the cold-hearted bastard, but as usual his fit of rebelliousness ended up with him making his way up in irritated resignation.
"If you summoned me to assign me another victim, I must warn you that my raping schedule is full," he drawled coldly as soon as the door had closed behind him.
Dumbledore completely ignored his comment and gestured for him to take a seat.
"I called you here to inform you that Sirius Black was captured today," he said gravely.
Severus raised an eyebrow.
"Quite a Death Eater," he said scornfully. "Couldn't evade the Ministry for even a day after his treachery was exposed. The Dark Lord must have instructed him to lay low, what did the idiot do, walk into the Leaky Cauldron at noon?"
"No. Peter Pettigrew volunteered to the Ministry a series of Muggle locations where he considered possible Sirius might be hiding, and he was caught in one of them." Dumbledore looked suddenly very tired and very old. "Mary MacDonald was found in the basement of the house, still alive but with her mind apparently damaged beyond repair. Sirius Black's wand rendered a repeated use of the Cruciatus Curse, along with other things, and his... body fluids were identified in the victim."
Severus was shocked. It was one thing to have betrayed his best friend to the Dark Lord, quite another to keep a Mudblood for torture and rape in the basement. Last he had heard, MacDonald had been being held by Dolohov —who had won her from Mulciber in a bet—, but the Dark Lord must have given her to Black to seal the deal, and it sounded like Black might have been blessed with the same evil family gene than Bellatrix. Severus hoped for Lucius' sake that Narcissa wouldn't prove to have a sadistic streak as well, although her wish to include him in her marriage bed already suggested that she had darker inclinations than he had thought.
He mentally crossed his fingers and hoped he would not be asked about MacDonald. It had been hard for him to leave her to her captivity, especially knowing that she was a friend of Lily's, but the Dark Lord had been testing his ability to hide things from Dumbledore at the time so Severus hadn't informed the Headmaster that she was screaming in a dungeon instead of sunbathing in Australia like everyone thought. It had been nerve-wrecking to hide something so big from the old man when he hadn't yet been entirely sure he could withstand his mental attacks as well as the Dark Lord's, but Severus had not trusted him not to use the information so he hadn't taken the risk of informing him. Now he was certain that Dumbledore would not have hesitated to sacrifice MacDonald to protect Severus' cover, but he still would rather not to have to explain why he hadn't told him.
"With so much overwhelming evidence against him," continued Dumbledore after a moment, "and seeing that he doesn't seem willing to cooperate with the Ministry —he has refused to say a single a word since he was captured— Bartemius Crouch didn't consider necessary to hold a trial. Sirius Black is being transferred to Azkaban as we speak."
Severus was still mostly shocked, but he felt glad that he wouldn't have to deal with Black during Death Eater meetings since no doubt the asshole would have challenged him and it would have been really hard not to kill him. He was also enjoying the knowledge that the inseparable Marauders had ended up turning on each other. Severus had wanted to kill every one of them himself, but this was in a way more satisfying: Potter dead and betrayed, Black in Azkaban, Pettigrew and Lupin grieving one friend and no doubt despising the other.
With a sigh, he pushed away all thoughts of the Marauders, determined to not be haunted by them anymore. He still hated them, but now that the worst two were permanently out of his reach and already suffering the worst possible punishments his thirst for revenge had been somewhat quenched. Fucking Lily repeatedly, and especially making love to her last night —at least that's what it had been for him— was helping him resolve his issues with Potter, and knowing that Black had ended up being the biggest hypocrite was helping him on that account.
"I met with Lucius last night," he said to change the subject. "He has lent me a house-elf to take care of Lily. He has also promised that he will look after any children of mine and try to claim Lily for himself if I'm killed or captured. It goes without saying that I expect you to take them away from him as soon as possible." He fixed Dumbledore with a hard look until the old man nodded. "There is a secret chamber below the drawing room where prisoners are usually put when someone tips Lucius off about a raid. I'm not sure if Narcissa would tolerate him keeping a pet in the manor, though, so he might keep her instead in his London townhouse, or best case scenario in France."
"I would make sure to check all those places," said the Headmaster.
Severus made a pause before speaking again.
"Lucius is questioning things," he said. "Seeing a baby of Draco's age murdered and desecrated has shaken him. The fact that the Potter lineage was completely wiped out, after the Prewetts and the McKinnons were extinguished on the male line, no doubt also worries him."
Dumbledore leaned back in his chair and steepled his fingers under his chin, a thoughtful expression on his wrinkled face.
"Do you think he wants to change sides?" he asked.
"I think there is a reason why he goes to the lengths he goes to avoid his mind being scanned too thoroughly by the Dark Lord," said Severus. "It wouldn't surprize me too much if he appeared in your doorstep one of these days proposing some sort of deal to protect his family."
"What would he have to offer, though?" inquired the Headmaster. "He's not a powerful enough Occlumens to conceal his treachery from Voldemort, so he couldn't be a spy for long. All he could bring to the table would be whatever he knew at the time of defection, and I doubt that would be enough to negotiate a pardon and protection for the duration of the war."
Severus clenched his teeth. He knew that Lucius had done more than enough to earn himself a lifetime sentence in Azkaban, but his worst crimes he had committed out of fear, following orders, and there was no doubt in Severus' mind that if Narcissa or Draco were ever threatened by the Dark Lord Lucius would swallow his pride and throw himself at Dumbledore's feet begging for help just like he had done. It sounded like the cold-hearted bastard would not agree to help Lucius, though, since he couldn't use him as a spy. Severus wanted to believe that the old man would protect Narcissa and Draco anyway, if leaving Lucius to fend for himself, but recent events made him doubt, just as he was doubting Dumbledore would have agreed to hide Lily if Severus had not happened to be an expert Occlumens and if Lily had not been a member of the Order of the Phoenix.
Troubled, he stood up and went to stand against a window. Lucius was going to get himself killed if he kept having dangerous thoughts, especially if he approached Dumbledore and the old man turned him away, and then Severus would have to make good of his promise. The only way he saw of protecting Lucius' family if Dumbledore refused to help, however, was marrying Narcissa —if she and the Dark Lord agreed, which they might—, and Severus did not wish to marry anyone but Lily.
It troubled him, too, the possibility that the Headmaster might not keep his word. What if when this was over and he no longer had need of him Dumbledore decided that Severus should still go to Azkaban for his crimes and didn't vouch for him? What if he opted for not taking the risk of extracting Lily and his possible children, leaving them to their fate when their lost Severus' protection? The old man's word was the only insurance Severus had, and he no longer trusted Albus Dumbledore.
"How did it go last night with Lily?" asked the Headmaster behind him after several silent minutes.
Severus turned to glare at him, his irritation and frustration instantly evolving to boiling anger.
"Do you really want to know, Dumbledore?" he spat. "Do you want me to tell you how many times I raped her and how hard? Should I enumerate all her newest bruises and all the times she begged me to let her go? Do you give a shit that she tried to kill herself and I had to almost drown her in a bathtub as punishment? Perhaps you would prefer to examine my memories yourself? Eager for more pornographic material, aren't you? I bet you get off watch-"
"That is quite enough, Severus," cut him off the Headmaster sharply, his cold blue eyes flashing in warning. "Do not forget who you are addressing."
A shiver ran down Severus' spine as he was reminded that the wizard in front of him held the power to fire him, send him to Azkaban or kill him in a blink. He bit his tongue and forced himself to brand into his brain that just because Dumbledore would not crucio him if he disrespected him it didn't mean the man wasn't dangerous or that he would not retaliate.
"I won't request memories of your regular interactions with Lily," continued the Headmaster in a slightly softer tone, "and I do not need to know the details —although I am willing to listen if you need to talk about it—, but I do want to be kept informed of how things are going. I know this is hard for you on a personal level, Severus, but you are still working as a spy and I will expect you to report accordingly."
Feeling chastised —and resentful about it—, Severus took a deep breath and returned to his seat. Raging at Dumbledore not only could be dangerous, it was pointless. And considering that he was the only person Severus could talk about Lily, perhaps he shouldn't dismiss the opportunity to do so, although he definitely should be more cautious with the emotions he displayed around the Headmaster. Over the last year he had come to trust Dumbledore enough to let him see his vulnerability on occasion, and he foolishly had allowed himself to believe that the old man cared about him as a person, not just as a spy, but this whole thing with Lily had disabused him of that naive notion. He was aware that his love for Lily had been used to manipulate him, and while that would continue to happen Severus felt the need to protect himself better from Dumbledore.
"Lily's mind doesn't seem to have been permanently damaged by the Cruciatus," he reported clinically. "She was awake and responsive when I visited her last night. I explained to her the basics about punishments, illustrated when she spat in my face, then fucked her. Lucius arrived when I was in the process of bathing her, and I made the mistake of leaving her in the bathtub alone for a few moments, opportunity that she used to attempt suicide. I got in time to reanimate her, and since Lucius was there watching I reacquainted her head with the bottom of the tub a few times before taking her back to the bedroom and tying her spread open on my bed. I left her there in the darkness while I shared a drink with Lucius, then went back and fucked her again. I left her crying and tied up to the bed. Is this how you expect all my reports to be, Headmaster?"
"I expect you to report everything you consider I need to know, Severus."
"I reported what I considered you needed to know —which is my conversation with Lucius— about twenty minutes ago," said Severus with irritation.
"You didn't think I should know that Lily tried to kill herself?"
"No. Why would you care, if she wasn't successful?"
Dumbledore sighed.
"If you can't keep Lily alive, then we must rethink our strategy," he said. "You might not believe it, Severus, but I do care about Lily, and I do not wish her sacrifice to be in vain."
"Don't take me for a fool, Dumbledore," spat Severus, closing his hands into fists to aid himself in moderating his temper. "Don't pretend that you would call this off just because Lily might kill herself to escape the hellish situation you condemned her to. You would just instruct me to use her death to somehow get closer to the Dark Lord. There is no need for you to fake concern, however. I made a mistake last night, but it will not happen again, and I assure you, we Death Eaters know plenty methods to keep prisoners alive."
The Headmaster didn't say anything in response. Severus rubbed his forehead, wishing for a headache reliever or a bottle of firewhisky, and wondered if he would have to go through this every time he went to visit Lily. He didn't think he could keep himself from cursing Dumbledore if the old creep demanded him to report every single fuck. He might be doing it to maintain his spy cover, but it was still private, and unless Severus had to rape her again in front of a crowd of Death Eaters he wanted it to stay between him and Lily —and inevitably the Dark Lord, through her mind.
What made him reluctant to share any details and especially memories with Dumbledore was the possibility that the bastard might use the knowledge to minimize Lily's suffering and convince himself that it wasn't too bad since it certainly could be hell of a lot worse. Severus was keeping her prisoner, yes, he had hit her, threatened her, frightened her and fucked her without her consent, but Lily was being treated like a princess compared to what she could have expected if Dolohov or Mulciber or Merlin forbid Macnair had claimed her. He wanted Dumbledore to feel guilty and horrified at himself, to have trouble sleeping at night and show proper remorse, but the old man hadn't even flinched at anything he had reported so far and Severus wouldn't be surprized if upon watching his memory of last night the bastard had the nerve of observing that he hadn't really raped her.
Or was it Severus who was trying to convince himself of that? Was he twisting things inside his head, desperate to believe that it wasn't rape because he was giving her pleasure rather than pain? That the fact that he loved her made it somehow okay? That her lack of consent could be overlooked given that she probably would consent if she knew why Severus was doing it?
If he could fuck her without enjoying it so much no doubt he wouldn't feel so guilty nor conflicted, but it was glory to be inside Lily, to make her come for him, to know that she was his to fuck whenever and however he wanted. Severus was rapidly becoming addicted to her, and he feared he would soon be doing it purely out of lust rather than because he had to. Apparently the Dark Lord had been well aware of Lily's effect on his libido when he had warned him not to sneak out every single night to enjoy his little treat.
Dumbledore had given him his blessing to enjoy raping her, but Severus couldn't help to think that enjoying it made it unforgivable. He feared that Lily would not believe that he hadn't really wanted to do it when it was so obvious that he had enjoyed every single second of sex with her no matter how rough or non-consensual. To his shame he had even greatly enjoyed the first brutal rape, although that was probably because he had been hyper-occluding and only allowing himself to feel lust and hatred. He had barely occluded the second time, though, and he had been completely himself the last one.
He shouldn't be enjoying it so much, but he didn't see how he could not enjoy it. Even if he could handle the frustration of always stopping himself at the last second and not come —which would be torture—, he could not afford that given that the Dark Lord expected Severus to enjoy himself thoroughly and to spill himself inside Lily every time.
Forcing Lily to enjoy it too was a different matter. It was infinitely easier for women not to come, and unless one brought them too close and let them hanging they seemed to handle the frustration much better than men. If Severus limited himself to fuck her like a piece of meat he wouldn't enjoy it nearly as much as he had so far and no doubt he would feel a lot more like a rapist, but perhaps he should make at least that sacrifice for Lily's sake. Or would that make it worse? He wasn't sure.
"You seem troubled, Severus," observed Dumbledore, breaking through his conflicted reverie. "Perhaps if you told me what is bothering you I could be of assistance."
Severus' first impulse was to tell the Headmaster to go fuck himself, but he wisely repressed it and instead considered whether Dumbledore could indeed be of assistance. He didn't want the old man sticking his nose in his sexual life any more than he had already done, but he would welcome someone telling him what was the right thing to do. And Dumbledore was the only person who could give him an opinion with full knowledge of this fucked-up situation.
He had learned yesterday, however —when he had walked into this office fearing to be censured for raping Lily and walked out with the order of raping her again—, that Albus Dumbledore was not the person to seek out if one was in need of moral guidance. If Severus shared his dilemma, far from telling him what was the right thing to do in regards to Lily the cold-hearted bastard would likely advise him to base everything he did with her on strategic considerations rather than personal ones. He would remind him that the Dark Lord expected him to use pleasure against Lily, giving it or denying it according to what kind of sexual torment he was aiming for.
And Severus knew that Dumbledore would be right. While last night he had tried to give her pleasure for her sake, the first time he had forced her to come for him in front of her dead husband as part of the punishment, knowing that the Dark Lord would thoroughly enjoy to witness her shame. And his sick master would expect Severus to continue shaming her and striving to make her enjoy with him more than she had enjoyed with Potter. Other Death Eaters could believably not give any pleasure to their victims no matter how hard they tried, but not Severus, who already had certain sexual reputation and had demonstrated the other night his ability to bring to climax the most unwilling woman.
"Severus?"
His reverie was interrupted again, and he met the seemingly concerned eyes of his manipulative employer.
"My apologies, Headmaster," he said coldly. "I drifted off planning my next sexual assault. I think chains might be in order tonight. And perhaps I should flog Lily for trying to kill herself? I would crucio her, but that might interfere with my attempts to plant an unwelcomed child in her womb. What would you recommend?"
He heard a portrait snort, and saw that Phineas Nigellus Black was regarding him with appreciation in his amused Slytherin eyes. Dumbledore, on his part, just looked at him sadly for a long moment, still not a hint of guilt or remorse in his old eyes, before sighing and waving a hand in resignation.
"You may go, Severus. You need not report tomorrow unless something outside the expected transpires."
Not needing to be told twice to get the hell out of that hateful office, Severus immediately stood up and made his way to the exit. The last thing he saw before closing the door behind him was the Headmaster standing a few feet from his desk, stroking Fawkes while the phoenix wailed softly for its heartless master.
Upon reaching the dungeons, Severus made a detour to the Slytherin Common Room and to everyone's dismay he spent the next forty-five minutes performing a surprize inspection of the dormitories. Things had changed drastically in Slytherin House since he was in charge, and he couldn't be less than satisfied with what he had achieved in only a year. Busy with his club of favourites, Slughorn had neglected his House and let it be run in practice by whichever student was at the top of the power hierarchy at any given time. Severus had put an end to that and made sure that even the most scornful, haughty, spoiled pureblood brat answered to him and didn't dare challenging him, a task in many cases facilitated by the Dark Mark branded on his arm.
The inspection rendered thirteen confiscated objects and resulted in a loss of privileges for sixteen students and detention for five. No doubt Severus would receive angry letters from several of his fellow Death Eaters, but they could take it up with the Dark Lord for all he cared since it had been his master who had instructed him to rule Slytherin House more strictly.
Finally, he let himself fall in an armchair in his private quarters and closed his eyes. He was exhausted. Severus was always tired after a long day of teaching annoying children and handling his duties as Head of House, but after the events of the last two days he felt completely drained. Yesterday he had had to function the entire day without having slept the previous night, and last night... his last session of sex with Lily had left him relaxed enough to fall asleep despite his emotional turmoil, but he had woken up drenched in sweat only a few hours later and spent the next hour crying like a baby after having dreamt that he held Lily's head under the water until she finally stopped struggling and her body went completely limp. The rest of the night he had walked around the castle trying to chase away the horror, too afraid of his subconscious mind as to go back to sleep.
And now he had to go see Lily again and fuck her at least once. Of course Severus could always summon extra energy for sex, and he was certain that he would forget his exhaustion the instant his eyes fell on her naked body, but right now the prospect wasn't so appealing and he would very much rather gulping down a phial of Dreamless Sleep and going straight to bed.
No doubt he wouldn't be so reluctant to visit Lily if he were looking forward to another session of gentle love-making ideally followed by falling asleep with his arms wrapped around her, but tonight wasn't going to be like that. He had meant what he had said about the chains, and he was going to have to address her suicide attempt, although he hoped he could get the point across without resorting to physical violence. Severus didn't want to ever have to flog Lily, and he would really try not to expose her again to the Cruciatus Curse due to the near impossibility of maintaining a pregnancy through so extreme full-body writhing. Even though it was too early for her to be pregnant with his child —at most at this stage the concept would be floating around looking for a cosy spot to implant itself— he didn't want to risk it.
His chest tightened at the thought that he and Lily could have made a child together last night. Severus knew that if he kept her captive and fucked her several times a week eventually she would get pregnant, but he wished with all his heart that it had happened the one and only time he had made love to her. He wanted to give her a child of love, not of rape, even if to her it probably wouldn't make any difference.
Warmth spread through him as he visualized that tiny particle, half Severus, sheltered inside Lily's body, already loved and wanted if only by one of its creators. He wondered what would she do when she realized she was pregnant. Would she break into sobs? Would she throw up in disgust? Would she try to abort? Or was there a small chance that she would react to the miracle of life the same way she would have reacted if it had been Potter the one to impregnate her again?
A cold shiver cut through his warmth and his stomach flipped violently. Severus opened his eyes and ran a hand through his hair, anxiety suddenly oppressing him. What if Lily was already pregnant... with another Potter brat? He had been working under the assumption that she would have not made the mistake of risking getting pregnant when she already had one child targeted by a megalomaniac, but what if she had trusted the moron to take care of it and Potter had decided to knock her up again? Lily had been crucio'd twice on Halloween, so any established pregnancy would have been most likely lost that night, but if Potter had inseminated her only days before his death the hypothetical concept looking for a spot to implant itself inside her womb could belong to him.
Severus buried his face in his hands. Idiot! He should have given Lily the anti-implantation potion anyway instead of pouring it down the drain yesterday. If he brewed another batch and forced her to drink it now he would prevent the implantation not only of Potter's possible brat but also of Severus' possible child of love.
He would have to find out if there was any chance that Lily could be sheltering a last piece of Potter inside her, and brew the appropriate potion to get rid of it if that was the case. No doubt she would be thrilled to carry another child for her dead husband, but Severus could not have that. If Dumbledore had allowed him to defect and bring Lily to safety, and if it had occurred to him the possibility that the anti-implantation potion could have wiped away Potter's child as well as his, Severus was pretty sure that he would have offered her the choice of not taking it and let her decide whether she wanted to risk it, but as it was...
Of course it would be painful and infuriating for Severus to see Lily carry and love another child for the jerk instead of for him, but he would swallow his misery and raise Potter's spawn as his own if it were an option. If she gave birth to another man's child, however, the Dark Lord would expect Severus to kill it and to present Lily with its little corpse before proceeding to get her pregnant again, so it was better to make sure now that that scenario never came to happen.
The thought that he might have to cleanse Lily's womb eliminating in the process his possible child of love made Severus wonder if he would ever get to repeat the experience of making love to Lily. Would she surrender to him again sometime, or had last night been a unique occasion? Why had she kissed him back, anyway? That question had driven Severus nuts since yesterday. At the time he had naively let himself believe that on some deep level Lily loved him and felt the connection too, but he had been brutally brought back to earth when she had broken into sobs immediately afterwards. Severus had still been inside her when she had begun to shake, and when he had tried to soothe her caressing her face she had gone wild, wriggling and struggling to get him off her, the revulsion on her face unmistakable.
He felt his throat swell. That had hurt like hell. The best moment of his life almost hadn't been worth it followed by that crushing rejection, and Severus really wasn't sure he would risk his heart like that again.
His own pain didn't matter, though. Severus had no right to feel sorry for himself, and he couldn't blame Lily for crying and feeling disgusted when she hadn't had the option of not having sex with him. She had been terrified after his harsh reaction in the bathroom and the half hour she had spent spread open in the dark waiting for her angry rapist to come back, so of course she had been afraid to refuse his advances. And with good reason, since Severus would have fucked her no matter what she said or did, and her resistance would have forced him to be rough with her. Lily had surrendered to spare herself some pain and anguish, that was all. She had kissed him back to appease him, like a clever victim she had given him what he wanted so he wouldn't hurt her. How could Severus have any doubts as to whether it had been rape, when he knew he would have forced her if she had said no? Filled with love as he had been, he still wouldn't have had a choice, since the Dark Lord would expect Severus not to tolerate being denied.
If Lily had surrendered once, she might do it again, but Severus wasn't going to force her to make that choice again. Desperate to connect with her, to express his love, he had been weak last night, selfish, but it had been a one-time thing, not to be repeated. There was a reason why he had used the cuffs and collar the previous time, and why he intended to restrain her tonight too: so she wouldn't have the choice to fight. That way she could experience pleasure without surrendering, retaining the illusion that if only she had been able to move freely she would have done something to stop him.
The second time last night, however, she hadn't been restrained, and yet she had chosen not to fight. Her choice was perfectly understandable, but Severus knew that it must be eating her up, making her wonder if maybe she could have fought him off in only she had tried.
Severus pressed his fingers between his eyes and took a deep, ragged breath. He wasn't going to put Lily through that again. He wasn't going to make her choose between willingly surrendering or being taken by force. And he wasn't going to kiss her again unless she freely asked for it. Not giving her pleasure against her will might not be an option from a strategic point of view, but Severus had the option of doing it in a way that caused her the least amount of pain and mental anguish, and he was going to stick to that way unless the Dark Lord or Lily requested or made necessary something different.
His resolution made him feel a little better —or less bad— about himself, and gave him strength to face Lily again. He wondered what she was doing right now, how she was feeling. Had she spent the entire day crying, sleeping, trying to kill herself? Severus had picked up Lucius' elf early this morning and admitted it into Spinner's End with instructions of watching over Lily, so she should be fine, but he had still spent the day worrying about her and experiencing anxiety attacks every time images of Lily lying still under the surface of the tub barged into his mind.
Lily ought to be alive, but had she eaten and hydrated herself? Was she depressed? Angry? Did she hate Severus already? It would be good for her if she had something to do during the day, something to distract her mind from her misery. Perhaps if she behaved he could get her a few books as a reward? Not books of magic, of course, but she had always liked Muggle literature...
Severus spent some time going over plans for Lily's captivity and subjugation, and then focused specifically on his plans for tonight. He couldn't really decide what to do until he had an idea of her current frame of mind, so he considered approaches for different scenarios and rehearsed several Occlumency strategies just in case.
As his thoughts drifted to sexual positions and techniques, his exhaustion was replaced by anticipation and his libido steadily increased until he was not only ready but eager to jump into the hearth and floo directly to the sweet gate between her legs.
A sweetness that he was really looking forward to taste.