Chapter 8

Lily was no longer tied up to the bed when she woke up, but that was the only relief she found in consciousness. Even her horrible nightmares had been less awful than the reality she came back to, a reality where James and her baby were truly, undeniably, irrevocably dead, and where Lily had been imprisoned and downgraded from witch to pet by her former best friend. Worse than that. A reality where she had willingly had sex —normal, consensual sex— with the man who had forced her to look at her dead husband while he brutally raped her twenty-four hours prior.

This morning Lily didn't dissolve into sobs nor threw up, not even when she slid a hand between her legs and felt the stickiness still down there. The stickiness that she had allowed Severus to deposit inside her. Not a tear escaped her eyes as she replayed in her head what had happened, what Lily had allowed to happen. What was wrong with her? How could she have done that? Why hadn't she stopped it? Severus had gotten her baby murdered, he had raped her, hit her, called himself her master, pushed her head into a bathtub, spread her open for Lucius Malfoy to droll over her, and after all that Lily had... made love with him?

How could she have been so weak? And so stupid! Severus had lowered his guard last night, he had gotten distracted kissing her while his wand was right there in his pocket, and Lily had not taken advantage of that! She could have easily slipped her hand down his robes, pretending to caress him, and pulled out his wand without him even noticing. That had been her chance to escape, and she had wasted it!

She had been afraid, though. Even if it had occurred to her at the time —which it had not, distracted as she had also been— Lily wasn't sure she would have dared to do it. The possibility of trying and failing, just as she had tried to kill herself and failed, would have probably paralyzed her in fear of Severus' harsh punishment.

Quite a disgrace for Gryffindor I am.

Lily was fearless in battle, she had faced death plenty of times and not hesitated to duel Voldemort himself, and yet Severus had managed to reduce her to a frightened little victim just by locking her up without her wand and holding her head under the water a few times. Pathetic.

But she could live with herself if she were just a coward. And James probably would have understood if she had surrendered to Severus just out of fear —although no doubt he would have wanted her to fight with tooth and nail. But even though Lily had been afraid to provoke his anger by refusing him, she knew that had not been the only reason —not even the main one— why she had given in.

It had been his eyes, right before he had kissed her. Eyes so vulnerable, warm, desperate. And his lips too, so hesitant, tender, almost shy. His agitated breathing, the delicate way he had pulled her against him, the gentleness of his touch. All that had rendered Lily helpless before Severus, made her heart beat for him, reawaken old feelings that had never really gone away. There was no question as to whether she had cheated on James now, and her guilt was made worse by the suspicion, the shameful certainty, that she would have cheated on him while he was alive if she had ever met with Severus and he had looked at her with those eyes and kissed her like that.

Last night, for a little while Lily had forgotten everything, the present reality had fled her mind and she had abandoned herself to feeling and sensation, welcoming the reprieve from suffering, the healing closeness with a person whose distance had kept her incomplete for so long. Her mindless bliss had turned to horror when she had opened her eyes and been struck by the realization that she was enjoying having semen pumped into her by the man who had gotten her family killed and claimed her as a sex slave, but even through her shame and self-disgust the hurt in his eyes when she had tried to get him off her had made her feel just as guilty as having him inside her.

Maybe Lily deserved her fate, since she clearly was an abominable person. There should be no possible reprieve from her grief unless it was to hate the Death Eater who had plotted to murder her husband and son, and she certainly shouldn't be making love with him and welcoming his seed. She shouldn't be now wondering if there was still hope for him... and for them.

Lily didn't deserve her own tears. She no longer felt that she had the right to grieve James, and she felt like a monstrous mother after having willingly engaged in an act meant to replace her dead child. If she managed to kill herself, she wouldn't deserve to rejoin them in death, so perhaps Severus was right in that she would have nothing if she died. Nothing but a separate hell for shameful women who enjoyed being raped and who were indecently quick to jump into bed with the sick bastards that had made them childless widows.

She was so conflicted. And so ashamed of herself. She knew how she should be feeling, what anyone would expect her to feel in her current situation, but she couldn't help to feel the way she felt instead. She was supposed to hate Severus, to want him dead or rotting in Azkaban forever, to be repulsed by the very sight of him not to mention by the feel of him inside her, but Lily had had trouble feeling as she should even before their last encounter last night, and after that...

Now she was convinced that he felt something real for her, something deeper than just lust and obsession. It shouldn't make a difference, since he had still done what he had done and he was still keeping her prisoner, but it did make a difference to Lily. Because if Severus was capable of love, real love, then there had to be hope for him, he wasn't completely lost to darkness and he could still be stirred back to the light. Dumbledore said that Voldemort was incapable of love, so at the very least it would make Severus better than that monster.

But what did it make her that she felt more inclined to save and forgive the man who had destroyed her family than to hate him and take revenge on him?

What Severus had done and was doing to her was wrong, of course, unacceptable, but also extremely personal, and Lily couldn't help to feel that it was Severus' morbid way of working through his issues with her and James rather than just an evil thing to do. Clearly she had hurt him more deeply than she had thought, both by refusing his apology that day after he had called her a Mudblood and by marrying James, and under the influence of Death Eaters and Voldemort he had not been able to see a better way to deal with his pain and anger.

Another wave of guilt and shame crashed over her. Was she really trying to justify Severus' actions? James must be rolling in his grave... only he didn't have a grave, not even a body anymore since Severus had burned him to ashes. Sirius was still alive, though, and if he ever knew that Lily had willingly had sex with Severus only twenty-four hours after James had been murdered he would never speak to her again. Remus would also be appalled, although Lily thought at least he might be able to understand.

No one would know about any of this, though. Severus had said that her house had been burned to the ground, and Lily assumed Voldemort had done that so everyone would think she had died in the fire with the rest of her family. And if no one suspected that she was still alive, no one would think to look for her at the house of the suspected Death Eater who had hated her husband and apparently had a crush on her at school. The idea that no one was even trying to find her and that there would be no miraculous rescue from Dumbledore made Lily feel terribly forsaken.

Unable to bear her own thoughts anymore, Lily finally sat up in bed and, still wrapped in a bunch of sheets and blankets, let her eyes wander around the room. Everything looked so innocent by daylight. She saw that there was a new plate with food and a glass filled with orange or pumpkin juice on the night table, together with several potions phials and the jar with the salve for her 'intimate area'. Lily considered to make use of it this time, partly because so much battering had left her sore but mainly to not give Severus an excuse to apply it himself in some erotic way.

She extracted her left arm from under the sheets and verified that her wrist didn't show any evidence of having spent the entire night tightly tied up to one of the posters of the bed. Severus must have applied more bruise balm when he had returned to untie her while she slept, a thought that made Lily feel conflicted. He had hit her, torn her apart raping her, and bruised her all over, but he had healed her afterwards. Was that because he cared about her, or because he felt guilty for what he had done? The fact that he had rubbed the salve before taking her again suggested that he didn't want to cause her pain, a consideration that Lily knew she would have not received from any other Death Eater. And he had made her come every time. She had thought he was just doing it to torment her, but after the last time she was pretty sure that Severus genuinely wanted her to enjoy being with him.

Maybe if she didn't resist, if she willingly submitted every time, he would continue being gentle and this wouldn't be so bad...

She shook her head at herself, disgusted. Her submissiveness was exactly what Severus wanted. To have her coming willingly to him, like Voldemort had said, even though he had gotten her family killed and punished her for being an 'insolent Mudblood'. Lily had been weak last night, and she was admittedly confused about Severus, but she couldn't just surrender and accept this. Whether there was still something to be saved inside Severus or any possibility of forgiveness inside her wasn't relevant as long as he kept her locked up and conditioned like a dog to satisfy his every sexual fantasy.

Angry with herself for even considering to resign herself to her not-so-bad situation, Lily climbed out of bed and went through some sort of morning routine, starting by making use of the despised chamber pot —which was mercifully clean—, and then proceeding to perform basic ablutions with the lukewarm water she found in a basin over a side table together with other items of personal care. Lily felt as if she had gone back in time a few muggle centuries, but she was grateful for the opportunity to brush her teeth and wash herself a little. She was also grateful for the clean nightshirt she found neatly folded at the foot of the bed, even though it wasn't much in the way of clothes.

After applying the healing salve and checking again that the door and window were impossible to open or break, Lily climbed back onto the bed and stared for a while at the food and juice from her cocoon of blankets. She was hungry and thirsty, but she feared that she would be accepting her captivity if she ate and hydrated herself as Severus had instructed in yet another concise note. And since no doubt she would never be left in a bathtub alone again, starving or dehydrating herself to death seemed now to be the only suicide option available —if not a very promising one.

Lily wasn't sure she wanted to kill herself anymore, however. Dying had been awful, and getting to breathe again had felt so good, being alive so extraordinary... She had resented Severus for bringing her back, but now she realized that it had been foolish and weak to resource to suicide so quickly when her situation hadn't been physically intolerable. Life, and especially her own conscience, had become a heavy burden to bear, but Lily probably deserved to have to bear it, and after what Severus had said last night about there being nothing for her out there but a life of running and hiding like a rat she wanted to break free and show him differently. She wanted to show him that she would be right there fighting on the front line if she were free again, that nothing would hold her back now that she no longer had a child to live for and protect, and if she ever came face to face with him in battle...

Her throat swelled and pressure built painfully inside her chest, fear and pain oppressing her heart. What would she do then? Could she raise her wand against Severus in a serious duel? Would she try to kill him? Would he try to kill her? Lily feared that his piercing eyes would freeze her in place, making easy for him to capture her again and bring her back here to punish her for extremely severe misbehaviour.

She shook her head, pushing away all those horrible images. That scenario would never come to happen, since if she ever managed to escape this room it would most likely mean Severus' subsequent imprisonment. The thought of him in Azkaban also filled her heart with sorrow, but she couldn't let that stop her from trying to escape.

And after last night, breaking free didn't seem as impossible a feat as it had seemed to her yesterday. If Severus had lowered his guard once, he might do it again, and the next time Lily would be waiting to take advantage of it. Or, if she could connect with him again and reach his heart, she might be able to convince him to stop this madness and let her go.

Feeling strengthened by the semblance of a plan, and reasoning that she would need to stay strong if she wanted to have a chance against Severus, Lily finally decided to try the food and drink. The juice felt almost as good as an orgasm after so long without ingesting anything but disgusting potions and some water, but the food wasn't so easy to consume since she kept being assaulted by memories of her breakfast routine with Harry that severely compromised her appetite. Lily persevered for several minutes, trying to pass something through her obstructed throat, but when she recalled his amusing little frown when presented with his last meal before being murdered she couldn't swallow another bite.

The rest of the day dragged on. Lily alternated between fruitlessly attempting to perform wandless magic, choking with everything she attempted to eat, and sleeping, her emotions constantly fluctuating between grief, shame, fear, despair and guilt. Every time she woke up after a nap there was new food on the night table and the chamber pot had been cleaned, and since Lily doubted Severus would have neglected to make use of her through the day if he had been in the house she assumed there must be a house-elf around. It didn't reveal its presence when she tried to call it, though, and she guessed Severus must have given it strict orders not to help her in any way.

As night fell and lights magically turned on —Lily was grateful for that too, since she was no fan of waiting in the dark—, her anxiety began to grow until it overshadowed all other emotions. If Severus lowered his guard again and she had another chance to steal his wand, she would have to take it, but the idea of attempting to escape and failing terrified her. Whatever Severus might feel for her, he had already proven that it wouldn't stop him from hurting her, and he had threatened her with hell if she tried to take herself away from him again. Lily also feared that if she tried to take advantage of his vulnerability he would never allow himself to lower his guard again and he would go back to fuck her or rape her like a piece of meat.

To her shame as a Gryffindor, Lily was more relieved than disappointed when Severus finally walked into the room and the first thing he did, as if he knew what she was plotting, was to store away his wand in a desk drawer. She didn't stand a chance of escaping without that wand, but she was afraid to find out what Severus would do if she tried to escape, and if she was honest with herself she didn't really want to escape and leave him to the darkness. What she wanted was for him to let her go, and to take him with her, away from Voldemort and Malfoy and any other bad influences that were keeping him in a dark, twisted path. Severus could still be saved, and Lily felt that she owed it to him to at least try, even after everything he had done.

Her heart was fluttering like a humming-bird's as he approached the bed, fear and guilt twisting her stomach. Could she live with the shame if she surrendered to him again? Could she trust herself to do it only for strategic reasons? Was it too reprehensible to prefer willingly making love with her captor rather than being fucked against her will?

"Come here," commanded Severus, stopping a few feet from the bed and pointing at the spot of floor in front of him.

Swallowing nervously and feeling as though she might have an anxiety attack, Lily slowly slid to the edge of the bed and moved to stand where he had indicated. Trembling —be it from the cold floor or from his proximity— she looked up and met his dark, inscrutable eyes. To her frustration she couldn't see anything in them, but she remembered vividly how he had looked at her last night and her heart accelerated guiltily at the memory. Lily forced herself to remember too that this man had gotten her family killed and had raped her and shamed her in front of her dead husband and a crowd of Death Eaters, but she still couldn't manage to hate him nor even get angry. There was something seriously wrong with her.

She held her breath when one of Severus' hands gently caressed her cheek and then slid down her neck until it came to rest at the base of her throat, where it seemed to feel her erratic pulse. His eyes were still inaccessible to her, but that didn't discourage Lily from trying to reach him, and so she slowly lifted her own trembling hand and hesitantly placed it over his chest. Before she could attempt any further moves, however, her wrist was caught in a vice-like grip by Severus' other hand.

"Already eager for more, aren't you?" he drawled smugly. "But I haven't granted you permission to touch me, Lily. You will learn to keep your filthy hands to yourself unless I give you leave to pleasure me." He released her wrist and retreated a step so he was out of her reach. "Now get down on your knees."

Lily felt as if he had slapped her. She stood there, hurt and confused, trying to find the Severus of last night in his eyes and failing.

"I said on your knees," he repeated, his expression turning hard and threatening. "If you make me repeat myself again you will be kissing my boots as well, Lily."

In a daze, Lily clumsily went down to her knees.

"Unless you are sound asleep when I come to visit you, I will expect you to always move to occupy this position the moment I walk through the door," he continued coldly. "If you are not kneeling in this spot by the time I reach the bed I will punish you, do you understand?"

Tears flooded her eyes and her throat collapsed under her oppressing anguish. It was a hard blow to be confronted again to this cold Death Eater that thought herself her master after having waited the entire day for a gentle, warm, almost loving Severus. How could she have forgotten how he really was? Or could this be just a front to hide his vulnerability? Had Lily seen the real Severus last night, or had she imagined the love in his eyes?

She looked up at him from the floor.

"It doesn't have to be like this, Severus," she said sadly, meeting his icy eyes and wishing she could melt them with the force of her gaze. "We can be together for real, like last night."

Severus didn't immediately react to her words, and for a long moment Lily thought his hard mask would crumble, but when the ice in his eyes finally melted there wasn't any warmth behind it, only cold mockery.

"Last night I was merely proving a point, Lily," he sneered, his eyes glinting with triumph. "I told the Dark Lord that you have always wanted me, deep down, and that I would get you to admit it. He will be amused to hear it only took me a day." Severus came closer and treaded light fingers through her hair, sending a shiver down her spine. "Your willingness is appreciated, Lily, but you also need to remember your place. Starting the evening on your knees will help you get into the right frame of mind, if you happen to forget yourself during the day."

An unbearable hollowness filled her heart. Had last night been all an act to seduce her and prove that she was weak? Had Severus pretended to be vulnerable and loving so she would surrender and he could later brag and share a laugh with Voldemort and the other Death Eaters? Lily didn't want to believe it, but that horrible possibility seemed a lot more consistent with the cruel, twisted Severus she had been dealing with since she had woken up at Voldemort's feet. She felt so stupid! How could she have fallen so easily for his vulnerable act right after she had spent an eternity tied up naked in the dark following the incident in the bathroom? Maybe fear and shock and misery had rendered her weak and susceptible to deception?

Severus let go of her and stepped away again, the self-satisfied smirk on his face replaced by a frown when his eyes fell on the barely touched plate of food still on the night table.

"I left you a note indicating that you were to eat and drink everything on that table," he said sternly. "Were my instructions unclear?"

Lily ignored him. The combined coldness of the floor and Severus was making her wish he would just go away so she could crawl back under the blankets and cry in peace.

"I asked a question, Lily," said Severus in a dangerous tone. "I expect an answer. Were my instructions unclear?"

"No," she said, if only to get him to stop talking to her so harshly. "I did try to eat, I just couldn't-"

"Did you take the stomach soother I instructed you to take as soon as you woke up?"

"Yes, but-"

"Do you have some injury in your mouth or throat that renders you unable to chew or swallow?" interrupted her Severus.

"No, but-"

"Then I don't see why you couldn't ingest your food and keep it down," he cut her off.

"What about the fact that whenever I think of my dead husband and child my throat gets completely obstructed?" she snapped, irritated by his obnoxious attitude.

Before she even noticed that Severus had moved, one of his hands had closed around her neck and roughly pulled her to her feet.

"I will not tolerate that tone," he hissed, his face so close to hers that their noses brushed. "And unless you want me to punish you further for spreading your legs for Potter I advise you not to mention him or his spawn to me ever again."

Severus raised a challenging eyebrow at her, clearly daring her to talk back again. When she didn't, he released her and forced her down to her knees again, ignoring the tears that were rolling down her face. Lily remembered with sadness the days when just the sight of her tearful eyes would instantly fill him with remorse and make him dissolve in apologies.

"Dobby!" shouted Severus suddenly, and she was startled by the loud appearance of a house-elf only a few feet from her.

"Yes, sir!" said the creature in a high-pitched voice, bowing so low that the end of its long, thin nose touched the floor. It was wearing what seemed like an old pillowcase with rips for arm- and leg-holes. "What can Dobby do for Master Snape?"

"Just stand there, quiet," commanded Severus without even looking at it. "This elf has been charged with your daily care, Lily. It will provide you with regular meals, clean your room and watch over you to make sure you don't do anything foolish like trying to harm yourself again. It has been instructed to punish itself if you don't eat or drink what you need to stay healthy."

Lily saw that all the elf's fingers and the tips of its large bat-like ears were bandaged, and realized in horror that it had had to punish itself several times that day because she hadn't eaten everything in her plate.

"It will also punish itself if you neglect your personal hygiene and if you refuse to take whatever potions I leave for you," continued Severus in a lecturing tone. "If you attempt to harm yourself, it will stop you, restrain you, notify me, and then punish itself severely or be punished by me if I can spare the time. If this proves not to be sufficient for you to take proper care of yourself, I assure you I will find better incentives to offer you." Severus grabbed Lily's chin and forced her to meet his serious eyes. "And I give you my word, Lily, that if despite these precautions you ever manage to take your own life, I will torture and kill in your name one Muggle family for each day you force me to live without you."

She stared at him, horrified. Of all the threats Severus could have issued, he had come up with the lowest, dirtiest one, and Lily realized in despair that it would work perfectly on her, forcing her to stay alive and choke down every meal to the last crumb so as to not carry on her conscience that poor elf's self-inflicted pain or the deaths of innocent families. It was this cruel threat, more than anything else Severus had done or said in the last two days, what made her fully assimilate the fact that he was a Death Eater with no compunctions nor moral restraints whatsoever for whom coercion, torture and murder were everyday methods to get what he wanted. How could she have been so naive as to think that he could or deserved to be saved?

Despite being already too shocked at this point for anything to make too strong an impression on her, Lily shuddered and her stomach sank when, after the elf had been dismissed, she saw Severus extract from a pocket of his robes a bunch of heavy, clanking chains. What was he going to do to her? How could she have been so naive as to think that he would want to make love to her again? Not that she would willingly do anything with him now, of course, there was no way she was going to make that shameful, stupid mistake again. She remembered that it had been her plan to get him to lower his guard or to persuade his heart that it wasn't necessary to keep her locked up, but the idea of willingly having sex with this Severus revolted her and she no longer thought her seduction plan would work anyway.

"Remove your nightshirt and get on the bed," commanded Severus, the chains jingling threateningly in his hands.

Lily climbed to her feet, but she didn't move to obey. She was angry with herself for having been weak and stupid, and for having made things too easy for him so far, and she felt the need to do something to restore her self-respect in some degree.

"What if I don't?" she challenged, raising her chin defiantly. "Will you hit the elf with those chains? Is that how it's going to be if I don't follow every single instruction to the letter?"

"No, Lily. I will only transfer the punishment to others if you seem not to care enough about yourself, to motivate you to stay healthy and not endanger your life. For all other infractions I will punish you, rest assured. Now remove your nightshirt and get on the bed, I won't say it again."

Lily's throat, chest and liver burned with anguish and helplessness. It was a relief to hear that the elf would only be punished if she neglected her health, but not so much that Lily would be punished for all other infractions she committed. Would Severus hit her with the chains if she didn't obey? Would he crucio her? He couldn't do that without a wand, could he? If that were possible no doubt Voldemort would go around torturing people just by staring at them with his disturbing red eyes. Nothing would stop Severus from going to fetch his wand and crucio her, though...

Her heart beat so hard that she felt as if it were trying to get out of her chest and make a run for it as she finally turned around and climbed onto the bed. Only instead of getting naked and waiting passively to be fucked —as instructed— Lily crawled across the bed and climbed off on the other side, turning around once her feet touched the floor and again looking at Severus defiantly. Come and get me, you domineering bastard.

"These chains are for your enjoyment, Lily, I do not intend to hurt you," said Severus as he calmly began walking around the bed. "That might change if you make me chase you."

Lily didn't care. When he turned around the last poster, she quickly jumped on the bed and ran over it, hitting the floor on the other side and flying across the room to throw herself at the desk drawer where Severus had put his wand earlier. The damned thing didn't open, though, and Lily realized in terror that he must have locked it wandlessly. She risked a glance over her shoulder and saw that Severus was approaching her with frighteningly calm steps, although at least he was no longer holding the chains. Terrified, she focused again on the drawer and tried to will it open, even shouting a few incantations out loud as she tried to reach for her magic or prise it open with her fingernails.

When Severus reached her, the drawer was still stubbornly closed and Lily knew that she was doomed, but she still didn't surrender. Instead she fought with tooth and nail, like she should have fought from the moment Severus had first struck her in the circle of Death Eaters. Like she should have fought Voldemort when he was trying to kill her baby instead of begging for mercy like an idiot. Without magic she was in severe physical disadvantage against a man so much stronger and bigger than her, but she went so wild that she at least managed to slap his sick face hard enough to dislocate his jaw before he overpowered her.

"Enough, Lily!" roared Severus, capturing the last offending arm and blocking another attempt to kick him in the nuts. "You're forcing me to hurt you, is that what you want?"

"I don't bloody care!" she snarled, struggling to free her arms and wishing she could get close enough to bite him. "Do whatever you want, but don't fool yourself. You will never be half the man that James was!"

Her reckless courage withered and fear twisted her gut when she saw the dark expression that contorted Severus' pale features. Rage and hatred suffused his face making it look almost inhuman, and his fingers closed around her throat so hard that for an endless, agonizing moment Lily felt certain that he was going to strangle her to death. Just when she was getting dizzy, however, the pressure suddenly disappeared and she felt herself roughly mandhandled and slammed facedown over the desk. Lily tried to fight again, but Severus had clearly lost patience with her and was now using his full strength and weight against her, one hand holding her flat over the hard surface while the other worked on freeing his erection from his trousers and pulling up her nightshirt.

Lily cried out in pain when Severus' brutal member suddenly impaled her without the slightest preparation, the violation hurting a lot more than the first time he had raped her. Fingers buried in her hair and closed in a fist, pulling her head backwards while the unwelcomed object inserted inside her began to ruthlessly rub her complaining walls, the edge of the desk painfully digging in her upper thighs with each angry thrust. She bristled and flailed and kicked, but all she achieved was to be more stringently restrained with her arms pinned behind her back, her feeling of powerlessness absolute as Severus intensified the ferocity of his assault.

He raped her for what felt like hours, until Lily had no fight left in her and she felt completely broken.