Chapter 12

Severus breathed deeply and willed his body to relax as Lily traced the scars on his back with her soft fingers. Alarms were ringing in the back of his head, but he did his best to ignore them and used Occlumency to block the traumatic memories that threatened to engulf him. He was safe. The bastard was dead. No one would ever trash him again. Even if Lily tried to hurt him she could at worst scratch him and that would probably be arousing. It didn't feel as if she wanted to hurt him, though; despite her frustration her touch was gentle, just as careful as it had been handling his testicles or tracing his Dark Mark.

It felt nice, actually. The only other person he had ever allowed to explore his back so freely had been the Dark Lord, and that definitely hadn't been the same. His master's cold caresses were in a way more soothing and intimate, but Severus would choose Lily's warm touch every time even though he felt much more vulnerable with her.

She opted for using her bare hands rather than the rough cloth to wash him, and Severus was glad for that even though he had long developed a balm to restore the fibrotic mess that was his back to something resembling normal skin in everything except appearance. His scars no longer itched, nor felt tight or too sensitive, at this point they were just a visual and tactile reminder of how much his father had loved him, but it was still nice to feel how careful Lily was touching them. No doubt she was just afraid he would punish her if she hurt him, but Severus preferred to rest on the illusion that her gentleness was born from true care. He had felt like a child being caressed by the affectionate mother he had never had when she was washing his face, and now he felt as if Lily were trying to heal his wounds just with her magical touch, also like the caring mother he had never had. It was comforting and anguishing at the same time, because no matter how much he tried to deceive himself he knew that she didn't really care about him. No one really cared about him.

No one except perhaps the Dark Lord.

Lily took her time washing his back, her soapy fingers seeming to count and trace from end to end as many scars as she could discern in the multilayer mess. When she finally withdrew her hands and several seconds elapsed without her touching him again, Severus turned around and once more pulled her onto his lap, this time positioning her over his anxious erection. He probably should make her complete the task by washing his hair and feet, but he was eager to relieve her frustration —he felt bad for having left her unsatisfied twice in a row—, and in any case this exercise had not really been about washing him —although he thought Lily might one day appreciate to know that she had touched the Dark Lord's blood with her own hands— but about giving her the opportunity to explore his body. Severus didn't usually allow women to touch him —at most if they weren't restrained he might let them stroke his cock or grab his shoulders for support—, but Lily wasn't just any woman and he wanted things between them to be as equal as possible in their unequal situation. He wanted her to get to know his body as well as he was getting to know hers, in the hopes that the familiarity would promote some sort of intimacy between them and help Lily feel more comfortable with him.

Severus slid a hand along her jaw to press his fingers to the back of her neck, rubbing her chin with his thumb as he tried to remember why he shouldn't kiss her. How long would he be able to resist? It hadn't been so hard when he had thought she would prefer not to be kissed, but only some minutes ago she had looked at him as if she wanted to ravage his mouth, and even though Severus knew that that was just her sexual frustration getting the best of her he couldn't stop remembering how amazing it had felt to kiss her when he had made love to her and wondering how much better it would be if Lily didn't hold back.

"What happened to your back?" whispered those coveted lips. "Who did that to you?"

He wrenched his gaze from her mouth to meet her eyes, noticing that her previous arousal was gone. Of course now that he was ready to fuck her she was no longer in the mood, he thought with annoyance, Lily was a woman after all. But Severus could hardly expect her to see his back and not be shocked, and part of him wanted her to care about it —even as another part wished she hadn't seen it nor brought it up—, so he put his sexual intentions on hold while he addressed her curiosity.

"Who do you think?" he asked raising an eyebrow. Wasn't it obvious?

"Voldemort?" she guessed.

Severus was initially thrown by Lily's unexpected assumption, but indignation grew inside him as the suggestion that his master would shred his back to bloody pieces sank in. The Dark Lord might be a sadistic bastard, but he would never do that to Severus.

"Do not say the Dark Lord's name!" he spat, digging his fingers hard into her neck and jaw. "You will refer to Him as 'the Dark Lord' from now on, Lily, and if you ever have the honour to meet him again you will address him as 'my Lord', is that clear?"

Her eyes had widen in fear at his angry reaction, but her expression turned rebellious at his last words.

"I will never call him that!" she exclaimed. "That bastard murdered my baby! And he tortured you, didn't he? How can you be okay with that? He's a monster, Severus, you need to see t-"

Severus pinched her nose and mouth with one hand and pushed her backwards until her head was completely submerged, holding her under the water for several seconds while she fought fiercely and pointlessly against his iron grip. It was good to see that she was no longer interested in drowning, but Severus was concerned about this new bout of defiance and feared what he might have to do to quench it.

It was a real challenge not to impale her when he pulled her upright and for a moment his cock was perfectly aligned to strike, but somehow he managed to refrain even though he probably should fuck her painfully to remind her who was in charge. Severus didn't want to do that again, though, and he would also hate to have to leave her frustrated as punishment so he really hoped she would not provoke him any further.

"That's enough, Lily," he said sternly once her drenched, terrified body was again sitting astride him. "I will not tolerate any insults to my master, and I don't want to hear you complaining about the death of your child anymore. You chose to fight in a war and to irresponsibly start a family while you did it. You chose to defy the Dark Lord and to marry an arrogant prick who couldn't protect his own wife and son. You chose the wrong side and the wrong man, and now you are facing the consequences." Severus wiped the water and tears from her face. "The Dark Lord did not kill your child because he enjoys murdering innocent babies, Lily, he simply eliminated a prophesized enemy before it could grow up to challenge him. Any leader who cared about preventing future wars would have done the same, or do you think Dumbledore the Righteous would have hesitated to smother the Dark Lord as a baby if there had been a Prophecy announcing he would grow up to take over the world?"

Lily was looking at him as if she didn't understand what he was talking about, the confusion in her anguished eyes making Severus suddenly suspect that she didn't know about the Prophecy. What had Dumbledore told her and Potter to make them go into hiding? Why did she think the Dark Lord had targeted her child? He considered to enter her mind to find out, but he didn't think he could take another immersion into her grief right now so he decided to confront the old man about it later instead.

"You have it all wrong, Lily," he continued. "The Dark Lord is not the monster you think he is. The scars on my back are not his doing, he would never hurt me like that. He was the only one who paid attention and suspected what my father had done to me, the only one who cared and made sure I never had to go back to my hell of a home. My master was there for me when no one else was, looking after me, helping me deal with the abuse, giving me opportunities in life..." Severus cupped Lily's beloved face, a lump forming in his throat at the miraculous sight of her eyes full of life and horror. "He spared you for me, Lily. The Dark Lord does not spare many people, and he had no reason to show you mercy after all the times you had defied him, but he let you live because I asked him to. That is how much he cares about me."

Lily's horrified shock at having her outrageous assumption corrected had worn off as he spoke, leaving only sorrow distorting her delicate features.

"Why didn't you tell me about your father?" she asked sadly, her eyes brimming with tears. "I cared about you, Severus. I would have helped you if I had known. I would have done anything for you."

"If you had cared, you would not have turned your back on me," he said coldly. "You would have been there for me when I needed you. I went to bed in pain and bleeding every night the summer after fifth year, Lily, wishing you would walk across town to check on me or at least write so I wouldn't feel so alone. And when I could finally get out of this house I waited for hours and days in our playground, hoping you would come and forgive me. You never did. You abandoned me and then went on to marry my worst enemy. That is how much you cared about me."

The dam broke, rivers of grief overflowing Lily's guilty face.

"I'm sorry," she whispered through her anguish, placing a hand over the one he was cupping her cheek with and leaning against it as she closed her wet eyes. "I'm so sorry, Severus, so sorry."

All Severus wanted to do was to hold Lily against his chest and tell her that he was more sorry than she could ever be, to take her back to the bedroom and make love to her slowly and tenderly until she cried from joy rather than sorrow and fell asleep feeling safe in his arms.

"You will be sorry," he said instead in a hard tone that didn't reflect the mush his heart had been reduced to, "if you ever disrespect my master again."

Lily's grief was briefly interrupted when Severus roughly removed her from his lap and forced her to turn around and on her knees, positioning her so her rump was up in the air over the surface of the water and her back and arms were stretched forward. Sobs shook her body again when he instructed her to hold on to the metal handle he had fixed to the wall for precisely this purpose —although he had not intended to take her this way tonight—, but she didn't protest nor made necessary to handcuff her to the bar.

His cock had withered during all the drama, but it perked up at the sight of Lily's wet backside, unlike his heart not caring at all that she was crying and even finding her defeat arousing. Severus felt ashamed for enjoying this, knowing that what he was about to do would be torment for Lily, but he chose to blame Dumbledore for the whole thing as he knelt behind her on the cushioned bathtub and finished adjusting her position to his satisfaction.

"I want to hear you say it, Lily," he commanded as he ran a hand lathered with soap up and down her spine. "Say 'I will never disrespect the Dark Lord again'."

She remained stubbornly silent, the tension in her lower back and the trembling of her strained shoulders indicating that she was expecting to be raped at any moment as punishment for her disobedience.

"You will say it before I'm done with you, Lily," he assured her, twisting the fingers of one hand into her hair before slithering his left hand down her spine and between her buttocks, one of his soapy fingers diving into her cleft to knock at her back door. Lily clenched her cheeks tightly and recoiled in terror when she felt the light pressure on her anus, her excessive reaction strongly suggesting that her arse had remained unbuggered so far. Thrilled by the thought that there was one part of Lily that Potter had not managed to claim, Severus held her firmly by the hair and pushed his finger once more against her terrified sphincter, forcing his way in just enough to make her squirm and whimper.

"My cock is a lot thicker than this, Lily," he said. "Without adequate preparation and lubrication this will be extremely painful and you will bleed from your arse for days afterwards. It doesn't have to be that way, though. Say 'I will never disrespect the Dark Lord again'."

"Please, Severus," implored Lily. "Please..."

She cried in pain when he inserted another dry finger.

"Stop, please!" she begged. "I will never... I will never disrespect him- the Dark Lord again," she finally spat out, dissuaded in mid-phrase from changing the wording by another painful prod of Severus' fingers. "Please, Severus, don't... don't do that to me, please..."

"Say it again," he commanded. "Make me believe that you mean it!"

"I... I will never disrespect the Dark Lord again," sobbed Lily. "Please..."

Severus carefully withdrew his fingers from her and released her hair, stroking the back of her neck soothingly while she cried. He hated to do this to her, but he would do whatever he had to to make sure Lily survived her next encounter with the Dark Lord and ideally walked out of it unscathed.

"If you ever meet the Dark Lord again, you will fall to your knees before him and respectfully greet him as 'my Lord'," he instructed while he summoned the lubricant to coat his fingers with it. "You will not speak unless you are given leave to do so, and you will obey any orders he gives you as you would obey mine." He began to rub gentle circles around her tense sphincter. "If the Dark Lord commands you to kiss his boots, you will do so, Lily. You will undress if he says so, stay still if he touches you, open your legs for him if he wants to fuck you. Say that you understand, Lily."

"You... you said that you don't share," said Lily in panic instead.

"That doesn't apply to the Dark Lord," informed her Severus. "My master is entitled to everything that I own including you. Say that you understand, Lily."

When she refused to comply, he slid one slick finger into her anus again, and a second, and a third...

"I understand!" she cried at last.

"What will you do if you ever meet the Dark Lord again?" he demanded, withdrawing one of the extra fingers to reward her compliance. "Tell me, Lily."

"I will... kneel before him," she said through her teeth, "and greet him respectfully."

"How will you greet him? Say it, Lily!"

"M-my Lord."

"Say it again!"

"My Lord!"

"Again!"

Severus made her repeat all the instructions several times while he relentlessly worked on her sphincter, his cock dripping and jerking madly in anticipation.

"The Dark Lord spared you and returned you to me," he said as he fucked her arse with his fingers, his other hand rubbing her clitoris between her legs. "He gave you another chance at life, Lily. Say 'the Dark Lord is merciful'."

"Please, Severus..."

He roughly forced another finger inside her, making her cry in pain again.

"Say it, Lily!" he growled. "The Dark Lord is merciful!"

"The Dark Lord is merciful!" she wailed.

"Grab the bar firmly," he instructed as he withdrew his fingers and lubricated his cock with his right hand.

Lily flinched when he buried himself inside her in one brutal motion, but Severus felt her relax around him almost immediately when she realized that he had not inserted his sizeable cock into her arse but into her standard entrance, which felt like a swamp after all the stimulation and didn't really require extra lubrication. He admittedly would have preferred to bugger her tight arsehole, but he could wait to claim that until she was ready for it, and her cunt felt so wonderfully welcoming that he quickly forgot why he would want to be anywhere else.

"Say it again, Lily," he commanded as he began to move, angling his cock downwards to thoroughly rub her front wall with each thrust. "The Dark Lord is merciful."

"The... the Dark Lord is merciful," repeated Lily in defeat.

Severus slid his left thumb down her cleft to put pressure on her anus again, knowing that it would turn her on even if she was ashamed by it, and clasped her shoulder with his other hand to make sure she didn't hit her head against the wall or tub if her shaking arms gave out while he rammed into her.

"The Dark Lord spared your life, Lily," he said again as he fucked her. "I want to hear you acknowledge it."

"The Dark Lord... spared my life," she gasped between thrusts.

"He let you live even though you defied him. Say it!"

"He let me live... even though I... defied him..."

"The Dark Lord is magnanimous. Say it!"

Severus tormented her in that position for some time, feeling disturbingly as if he were the Dark Lord breaking Bellatrix, before stopping and instructing her to let go of the handle. Without withdrawing from her, he pulled them both backwards and sat on his knees, arranging Lily over him so she was firmly lodged on his cock with her knees spread out at his sides. His movements would be more limited in this position, but he had her clitoris, breasts and neck within easy reach now and it felt much more intimate even if Lily was still facing away from him, not to mention that it was arousing to fuck her under the hot water.

He spent several seconds just enjoying the perks of the new position, nuzzling her neck, warming up her breasts, running his fingers along her stretched opening and barely believing that it was his own cock stretching her, before beginning to move slowly, feeling their physical connection with his hand as he verified that the lubrication was perfect.

"You belong with me, Lily," he murmured into her ear, further aroused by the sound of her agitated breathing and the feel of her hard nipples under his fingers. "You know it's true, I want to hear you admit."

"I..." Lily gasped when Severus pulled aside her head and bit her neck. "I belong with you."

"You are mine," he said huskily, holding her firmly by the neck while he rubbed her clitoris in coordination with the thrusts of his rolling pelvis . "Say it."

"I'm... yours... Severus," breathed Lily, seeming to lose coherence with his every movement. "Please..."

It wasn't clear if she was begging for sexual release or for him to shut up and finish quickly so she could be rid of him, but it amounted to the same thing and Severus was more than willing to comply, so he didn't say anything else and focused on the enjoyable task of working her body towards climax. As it happened, though, Lily was so aroused and seemed to have lost herself so completely that she began to roll her pelvis as well, mindlessly fucking herself against his hand and cock and taking control of the situation without even realizing. She absolutely owned him as she used him for her own pleasure, forcing him to adjust his movements to her rhythm, and when Severus came hard after her he felt he was doing it at her glorious command.

As soon as it was over, Lily's body went completely limp, and Severus was sure that she would have fallen facedown into the water and drown if he hadn't been there to catch her. Feeling still light-headed and breathless after his mind-blowing orgasm, he held Lily against him for a long, peaceful moment before carefully slipping out of her and finally getting them both out of the bathtub. She clung to him like a drowsy child to a father —not that Severus would know how that felt— while he retrieved his wand from the cabinet and carried her back to the bedroom, and a few minutes and spells later she was dry, wearing his old nightshirt again, and dead to the world under the blankets.

Severus cast a charm on the window to block the morning light and dressed himself with some clean robes he found in the wardrobe before going to sit at the edge of the bed. This night had definitely not gone how he had originally planned it, not at all. None of his visits to Lily went as planned, and so far they all had left him drained, feeling disgusted with himself and with a deep sense of loss despite his sexual satisfaction. In general things were going remarkably well, Lily proving to be a lot easier to handle and subdue than he had expected, learning quickly and responding to discipline like a Hufflepuff more often than like a Gryffindor, but what Severus was doing to her was sick and it drowned him in despair to feel this precious second chance with her, his one opportunity to win her forgiveness and her heart, slipping further away from him with each despicable thing he did and said to her.

After all these years it felt good to finally get out of his chest all his grievances and to let Lily know how much her abandonment and betrayal had hurt him, to hear her say that she was sorry and to confirm that she had never suspected that his father hurt him, but this wasn't how Severus had wanted to address their issues. Granted, this fucked-up situation promoted a healthy level of honesty and bluntness that he probably wouldn't have permitted himself if they had ever met to talk like civilized people, but it also forced him to let out anything good he might have to say for himself. Severus desperately wanted Lily to know that he had improved as a person, that despite still being terribly flawed and easily tempted by darkness he had worked hard to be better, less selfish, more deserving of her, but instead he had to show her the worst version of himself that he could have grown to be, a man who had allowed anger and hate to completely consume him and corrupt his love for her. He also could not afford to be fair and give her the opportunity to freely speak her mind, and he couldn't trust anything she said under these circumstances, so it felt as if he wasn't dealing with the real Lily either. It was despairing to be so close to her, to have complete control over her body, and still feel her out of his reach.

He swallowed his anguish as he watched her sleep, wondering what was going on inside her mind and heart. What did she feel about him? It was easy to deceive himself into thinking that Lily wanted him when she was aroused and climaxing around his cock, but the harsh reality crashed over him once he cooled down and remembered that she hadn't chosen to be with him. Her body reacted strongly to him, but Severus only had to look into her eyes full of tears and remember all the terrible things he had done to her to know that her arousal didn't mean anything except that she was made of flesh. Lily had seemed to want him just now in the bathtub, but she had been coerced to say those things and she had pretty much used him as a sex toy to masturbate so it didn't really count as willing intercourse. The only time she had actively engaged in sex with him without direct coercion had been when they had made love the first night here, and for all he knew she might have been pretending she was with Potter during the act. That would explain her fervour, and also her horrified reaction when she had opened her eyes at the end and realized it was Severus inside her instead. The idea that Lily might not have really been with him while they shared that perfect moment of connection made him want to cry and break things at the same time, to obliviate all memories of Potter from her mind or give her Amortentia to make sure she was thinking of him while they were together.

He took a deep breath and tried to clear his mind and heart. It was exhausting to be so emotionally conflicted all the time, and despairing not to be able to seek comfort in the arms of the woman he loved. He eyed longingly all the empty space in the large bed, assaulted by a desire to cuddle Lily under the blankets and wondering if staying to sleep with her was something he could ever afford to do. Even if he could afford it, though, Severus could not afford to sleep at all right now, he shouldn't even have come to fuck her and take a bloody bath with her in the middle of such a serious crisis. The fact that he had was evidence of how much having Lily always available and waiting to be fucked in his bed was affecting him, something that he definitely could not afford. His master was all for indulging sexual urges and he would no doubt approve of what Severus was doing to Lily, but he would not hesitate to intervene and take away the source of his distraction if he thought his spy was having trouble prioritizing more important things than his cock.

Severus buried his hands in his unwashed hair, which felt dirtier than usual with the addition of sweat and dried blood to his natural grease. He was supposed to be in control of this situation, but he didn't feel in control. He kept allowing his emotions and impulses to rule him, doing things for the wrong reasons, blurring the lines between his dark persona and his real self. Severus had little hope that Lily would ever forgive him for anything, but he was concerned by how fast the list of things he had trouble forgiving himself for was growing. Any and all despicable acts helped his cover, yes, but he feared he was using that excuse to do whatever he wanted with Lily even if it wasn't really necessary. He certainly hadn't been thinking about his cover when he had assaulted her sleeping body and fucked her like a disgusting caveman, that had just been him in desperate need of a woman after all the stress and death of the night. And while most of the things he had coerced her to repeat while he fucked her in the bathtub had been necessary —Lily really needed to learn to respect the Dark Lord—, his motives for making her say at the end that she belonged with and to him were muddier. It was becoming more and more apparent with each visit that he couldn't trust himself to do this, but Severus felt it was too late to back out, and after last night he couldn't even trust himself to want to put an end to Lily's suffering.

He was distracted from his turbulent thoughts by a sudden disturbance of the wards. Praying to Merlin, Salazar and Morgana that the visitor wasn't Bellatrix, Severus rushed out of the room gripping his wand tightly, but he relaxed when a terrified house-elf intercepted him in the hallway and informed him that 'master Lucius' was at the door. Taking pity on the creature, he ordered it to occupy itself cleaning the main bathroom spotless while its true master was in the house and gave it further instructions concerning Lily before making his way downstairs.

Lucius looked like shit. Of course Severus must look much worse, but he always looked like shit while it was a rare sight that of Lucius Malfoy with his hair ruffled and dark circles colouring the fair skin under his strained eyes. It was good to see him alive and free, though, knowing that not everyone involved in the Yorkshire raid had been so fortunate.

"So Bellatrix is right," drawled his aristocratic friend as he walked through the doorway. "She says from now on anyone looking for you should check between your Mudblood's legs first. I bet Dumbledore would be interested to know that."

There was a threatening edge to Lucius' tone that Severus didn't like, at all, so he didn't say anything in response as he closed the door and resettled the wards.

"Bellatrix bid me to tell you that she will castrate you if you don't drag your cock back to our master's bedside before he wakes up, by the way," added Lucius, beginning a lazy stroll around the tiny living room.

"It sounds like she's back to her normal, charming self," observed Severus, remembering the hysterical wreck she had been when he had last seen her. "I assume that means our Lord remains stable?"

"Yes," confirmed Lucius, stopping by the hidden door that led upstairs and turning to fix his calculating grey eyes on him. "Everyone is still freaking out, though, and talking about Flamel... I'm starting to think that you're the smartest amongst us, Severus. You can't lose if you play for both sides, can you? No matter who wins the war you will land on your feet... as long as no one spills your darkest secrets to the winner, that is."

Again the threatening edge. Severus held Lucius' cold gaze for several seconds, trying to figure out what exactly he was being accused of, before moving to pour himself a drink, well aware that it was morning and he shouldn't be drinking but feeling that he would need it to get through this conversation.

"Considering that the Dark Lord will win the war and that he already knows all my darkest secrets, I would say yes, I will land on my feet and at the top," he said over his glass of Scotch. "Why don't you just spit out what you came to say, Lucius? I don't have all day, Dumbledore must be waiting for me and I have to check on our Lord before going back to Hogwarts."

"I came so you can give me one reason why I shouldn't tip off the old Mudblood-lover about the delectable member of the Order of the Phoenix that you keep naked and tied up to your bed," said Lucius in a definitely threatening tone. "Such information would probably be enough to negotiate immunity and make sure I'm the one to land on my feet. So tell me, Severus, why shouldn't I sell you out?"

Severus emptied his glass and cursed Lucius internally while he refilled it. The moron was begging to be killed. This went beyond dangerous doubts, Lucius was speaking out right treason now, and he clearly thought Severus was treacherous enough himself to be safe to say such things to him. Did this mean that he didn't intend to go back to the Dark Lord? Was he trying to coerce Severus into interceding for him with Dumbledore?

"Our master would be highly displeased if my position as a spy were compromised," he said finally. "I would think that's reason enough."

"I think he would be more displeased if he knew that you are playing both sides," said Lucius.

"Am I, though?" drawled Severus. "What makes you think that?"

"You tipped off the Order about Yorkshire," accused Lucius. "I saw you come down from the owlery last night, and it was as if they were waiting around the corner so fast the bastards got there. You warned Dumbledore about the raid, don't deny it!"

"I don't deny it," said Severus calmly. "However-"

"I was almost captured!" snarled Lucius, knocking over all the books from a shelf in a fit of rage. "I lost my giant and almost my entire team in Yorkshire! Crabbe and Goyle were taken alive, they are being interrogated as we speak!" He smashed a lamp with his cane. "Bellatrix and Evan didn't have any trouble, though, their raids went smoothly, in and out without a single casualty. I get that you had to give the old fool something, Severus, but I can't believe that you would choose to sell me out instead of Bellatrix. I thought we were friends! You were pissed off about your Mudblood, I know, but I gave you the fucking elf you asked for, and I convinced the Dark Lord to let you torture Bellatrix in retaliation. That's what friends do!" Lucius closed the distance between them and poked his chest with one of his delicate fingers. "You will keep me out of Azkaban, Severus. If not because you owe me, because I will reveal your duplicity to both Dumbledore and the Dark Lord if you don't."

Severus contemplated Lucius' unhinged expression for a long moment before brushing away his hand and turning his back to him.

"Pour yourself a drink and sit down, Lucius," he said sternly, sitting in his father's armchair and conjuring a non-Muggle seat for his stupid friend with a wave of his wand. Lucius hesitated, but he eventually did as instructed and waited in dignified silence while Severus considered how to handle this dangerous situation.

No doubt there were many panicking and considering to change sides right now, frightened by the Dark Lord's vulnerability and by the sudden appearance of another powerful player on the board, but he would have expected Lucius to be smarter than this. He had risked everything on the barely founded conviction that Severus was a double traitor who for some reason would be willing to help Lucius instead of selling him out again or simply killing him to eliminate the threat of exposure. Clearly he was too stressed-out and afraid for rational thinking.

"I know that you would never threaten me nor question my loyalty if you were in your right mind, Lucius," said Severus at last, "so I will assume that shock and sleep-deprivation have made you say things you don't really mean. You certainly would never consider to make a deal with Dumbledore if you were thinking clearly, it is evident that your judgement has been clouded by fear. But there is no reason to fear. The Dark Lord is very much alive, and he will win this war. Some of us might die or be captured before that happens, but those who die will do so for a cause worth dying for, and those captured will protect the rest of us with their silence until they can be rescued." His words were clearly making Lucius uneasy, but there was still resentment and stubborn suspicion in his eyes. "Why do you think you were assigned the smallest giant and a team composed by low-ranked Death Eaters and no new recruits, Lucius? It was the Dark Lord's decision to tip off the Order about Yorkshire, not mine, I just delivered the message to Dumbledore per his instructions. Our Lord had to strategically sacrifice a few pieces to protect and strengthen my position as a spy, and he arranged it so no one too young would be sent to Azkaban and you would be the only valuable loss, clearly assuming that you could survive some time in prison. I was not told why he decided to sacrifice you instead of Evan or Bellatrix (although we can guess why he would not want to part with her), but unless there is some reason why our master should be displeased with you I would advise you not to take it personally."

Lucius' face was set in a stony mask, but Severus could smell the fear, and he could see in his eyes that he had realized the grave mistake he had made by sharing his treacherous thoughts with the Dark Lord's most loyal subject.

Severus stood up and looked down at his fellow Death Eater, who until this day had been his equal but had just become his subordinate.

"We are friends, Lucius," he said. "And it is my duty as your friend to make sure that you don't do anything stupid while you're mentally confused, so I will escort you back home now and take Narcissa and Draco with me so you can have some proper rest. They can stay with Bellatrix in Headquarters for a few days, I'm sure she will appreciate the company while our master recovers, and you could use some time alone to get your head straight."

Lucius' eyes widened in panic at the obvious threat to his wife and son, and for a tense moment he seemed to seriously consider drawing his wand, but apparently he knew that he didn't stand a chance against Severus and that he would only make things worse if he tried to fight because instead he fell to his knees in front of him.

"Please, Severus," he implored. "leave them out of this. You gave me your word once that you would protect my family."

"That is what I'm doing, Lucius," said Severus, not sure whether it was more shocking to see the proud Malfoy begging at his feet or kneeling on a muggle carpet. "I'm protecting your family from yourself. Do not fear, Narcissa and Draco will be safe as long as you remain loyal."

Severus felt monstrous for doing this, knowing that he could not really ensure Narcissa and Draco's safety while they were at Headquarters under the Dark Lord's control, but his moronic friend had left him no choice. Lucius' situation was so dire that he would most likely try to desert and seek Dumbledore's protection if given the chance, and Severus could not allow that for several reasons, the main one, to his shame, not having anything to do with protecting Lucius' family.

As he stood impassively over his only friend, affecting complete indifference to the anguish and entreaty in his unusually human eyes, Severus felt afraid of himself. More and more every day he found himself acting and talking in ways that reminded him too much of the Dark Lord, and it frightened him how natural it felt to behave —or be— like him. He had learned so much from his master about power and subjugation, and he was so used to intimidate, coerce and terrorize people, to exert control over students, women and fellow Death Eaters alike, that sometimes he feared he was becoming a second version of the Dark Lord.

Situations like this one with Lucius, or with Lily, where he was making the terrible decisions all on his own without anyone directing him nor overseeing him, made him particularly mistrust himself and question how much he was doing it because he had to and how much because he wanted to. Which led to his next shameful fear: Severus knew that he would miss the power and immunity that he enjoyed being a high-ranked Death Eater if the Dark Lord was ever defeated, and he feared the changes that would come with peace. He craved for a normal life with Lily, yes, a quiet existence with healthy love and innocent occupations, without anger nor pain, but he wasn't looking forward to a world where he couldn't bend rules nor force wills with impunity, where he couldn't torture or kill the people that bothered him, and where Lily would be free to leave him.

It troubled him that he hadn't even hesitated last night to do everything he could to keep the Dark Lord from bleeding out instead of taking advantage of what had probably been the best chance anyone had ever had of killing him. No doubt Bellatrix or a dozen others would have murdered Severus on the spot if he had helped their master die faster instead of assisting him, but how many lives would have been saved? Lily would have probably died a horrible death at Bellatrix's hands in that scenario, but Severus could not honestly say that that had been the reason why he had saved the Dark Lord's life last night.

At that moment he had just been unable to accept the idea of losing his master.