Chapter 15
"I would have thought you of all people would have been able to spot at first sight someone corrupted by darkness, Albus," drawled Flamel, fixing his intense eyes on Severus again. "You must be going blind if you cannot see that this man is completely lost."
Severus remained outwardly calm and forced his features into an offended frown, but inside he was panicking. Had the ancient wizard performed some extra subtle Legilimency on him? Or had he simply read his face and seen the darkness in his eyes? Severus had been extremely careful with his expressions since he had walked into the office, but his emotions hadn't exactly been under control in the last few hours, and Flamel seemed to be inconveniently observant.
The Headmaster looked at him with concern, but to Severus' slight relief there wasn't mistrust in the blue eyes.
"Severus has always struggled with darkness," said the old man, "and he was lost for a while, but he found the right way over a year ago and has been committed to the fight for the light since then."
"Either he never really found the way, or he lost it again," said Flamel with certainty. "This man would have tortured and killed the three of us in the last half hour if he had thought himself powerful enough to do it, Albus, and I have no doubt that he will try to kill each of us separately eventually. You cannot trust him."
It was for stressful situations like these that Severus wore high-collared robes even though they made him look like a priest. Occlumency was useful to control facial expressions, but it couldn't directly control involuntary functions like heart beating, so the pulse visible on his neck could give him away before he managed to subdue the emotions that were causing the physical reaction. Keeping the emotions under firm control from the start in anticipation of stressful situations was safer, but in case something took him by surprize Severus always wore as much clothing as possible. And a good thing that was, because at this moment his frantic pulse no doubt would have betrayed his distress to Dumbledore if not for the high collar.
While his heart pounded against his chest and his blood rushed through his body in panic, Severus' face showed nothing but the irritation a non-treacherous version of himself would have felt if after enduring half an hour of Moody's mistrust and scorn he had had to deal with yet more annoying accusations from yet another person who judged him without knowing anything about him.
Dumbledore considered his expression for a moment before turning to Flamel.
"Like I said, Severus has always struggled with darkness. He has reasons to resent Alastor and me, and I'm sure more than once he has wished to deal with us like a Death Eater would, but he knows we are all on the same side so he won't do more than fantasizing about it. As to you, Nicholas, I'm guessing Severus, like many others before him including myself, couldn't help to feel tempted by the idea of eternal life and to covet your Philosopher's Stone. He's not a threat to you, though."
"Of course he's not," said Flamel dismissively, sounding supremely unconcerned by the possibility that anyone, let alone Severus, might steal his means for immortality. "I am not worried about myself, Albus. It worries me that you are failing to see what is in front of you. This man is not on your side. You cannot trust anything he reports about the enemy, and you should not lower your guard in his presence nor ingest anything he might have had opportunity to adulterate."
Severus stood rooted in place. He desperately wanted to get out of here and run to pick up Lily on his way to Headquarters, but he knew that he would be dead or unconscious before he finished drawing his wand, and Dumbledore must have mentally locked the door again so it would be impossible to escape without killing the old fool.
"This is precisely why Severus is so valuable," argued the Headmaster. "If you, Nicholas, as perceptive as you are, cannot guess his true allegiance, Lord Voldemort never will."
Flamel sighed and raised his eyes to the ceiling as if praying for patience.
"Have you ever duelled this wizard, Albus?" he inquired, looking at Albus Dumbledore as if he were a child who needed to be explained the most basic facts about human nature. When he received a negative answer, the perennial alchemist continued, "If you had, you would know that he fights like his master. Not only their styles and spell repertoires are remarkably similar, they think alike, which leads me to believe that they are not only master and servant but also mentor and disciple. It is also evident by the protectiveness the so called Dark Lord Voldemort exhibited last night that this is not just any vassal, but a particularly valued one, just as it is evident by Mr. Snape's instant obedience under stress that he trusts his liege instinctively. They have a much stronger bond than you think, Albus."
"Their bond was strong once," conceded Dumbledore, "so naturally it left a deep mark in Severus, patterns of thought and behaviour that will likely remain with him all his life. But the bond was broken some time ago, Nicholas, at least from Severus' side."
"That sort of bond is not so easy to break, Albus," insisted Flamel, "especially when it's forged in darkness. Not many things can turn a man against his master and mentor."
It was as if Severus wasn't there as his allegiance and darkness were being calmly discussed by two wizards so powerful that they didn't even feel the need to keep a constant eye on him nor have their wands at hand in the presence of a possible enemy. Dumbledore's blind trust and continued defence had assuaged Severus's anxiety in some degree, but his anguish only intensified when he heard Flamel describing his relationship with his master. It was sort of reaffirming that a complete stranger who had only briefly interacted with Severus and the Dark Lord had immediately sensed the strength of their bond, and reassuring that Flamel thought the connection was mutual rather than unilateral as Severus had sometimes feared. It had always been a source of insecurity for him that his master had so many servants and favoured several of them as much as he favoured him, and over the last year he had come to convince himself that the Dark Lord had only made him believe he was special to secure his loyalty and earn his devotion, but he felt certain now that his master truly valued him above all the others and that made him regret even more not to have stayed with him. How long would it take the Dark Lord to break him out of prison? Or would the old bastard try to use Lily against him instead of sending him to Azkaban? Would he ever see her again? He cursed himself for not having given Dobby instructions to side-apparate her to Headquarters if Dumbledore ever tried to breach the wards. It would have been dangerous for Lily to be surrounded by Death Eaters, but he was reasonably sure that his master would not have allowed anyone to touch Severus' pet in his absence, and then Dumbledore would not have been able to hold her against him and she would have been waiting for him when he got out of prison.
"There is more to Severus than meets the eye, Nicholas," was saying Dumbledore. "He is a sensitive person, so pure of heart that darkness could never completely corrupt him. I'm sure you of all people will agree that if something can get between a man and his master is a woman, and there is one involved in this situation, one that I dare say Severus loves as deeply as you love Perenelle. In fact I believe that he would want eternal youth for the same reason than you strove for it."
Severus found himself again the object of Flamel's intense scrutiny, those historic eyes boring into his soul in a way that reminded him of Ollivander's creepy gaze. It didn't seem as if his soul had passed the test, though, judging by the wizard's unconvinced expression.
"Love can lead a man faster and deeper into darkness than anything else, Albus," said Flamel, fixing his hazel eyes on Dumbledore. "You know that well."
The Headmaster looked abashed and ashamed, the regret and grief in his eyes making Severus wonder if he had personal experience with love and darkness. A disturbing thought.
"It can also lead to the light," he said when he had recovered from his lapse. "It's what brought Severus to our side. Voldemort threatened the life of the woman he loves."
"And what happened to this woman?" asked the medieval wizard shrewdly. "Who holds her?"
Severus threw a warning glare at Dumbledore, certain that it would not help his case if Flamel knew that he was keeping Lily prisoner for sexual use and abuse, but of course the old man ignored him.
"Her husband and son were murdered recently. She was spared by Voldemort and given to Severus as a reward."
Flamel stared at Dumbledore incredulously for a long moment before shaking his head and turning disappointed eyes on Severus.
"So he owns the woman now," he drawled. "And you still think this man is on your side, Albus? Why would he betray a master who protects him, shares his power with him, and rewards him with his heart's desire? Why would he resist darkness? No wonder he's lost."
For the first time there was doubt in the Headmaster's eyes when he looked at Severus, his blue gaze betraying another kind of concern.
"Don't you dare doubting me now, Dumbledore," hissed Severus angrily, even though he knew he deserved the mistrust. "You forced me to accept her as a reward, you sent me back to the Dark Lord. If you're going to share my private matters with Flamel, why don't you spill the entire truth? Tell him that I wanted to defect and bring her to safety, that I tried to do the right thing, and instead of helping me you forced me to make a prisoner of her." Resentment was giving way to anguish, and Severus could feel his facade crumbling. "Admit that you forced me to beat and rape and break the woman I love to preserve my Death Eater cover, that you said I should enjoy it. Let's see who gets the harsher judgement."
Severus really wanted to see Flamel's reaction to that ugly revelation about his cold-hearted friend, but his turbulent emotions were dangerously out of control so as soon as the last word was out he turned his back to the two wizards to try and compose himself. It would be too embarrassing to break apart in front of the legendary Nicholas Flamel, and extremely reckless to lock eyes with any Legilimens while being so emotionally unstable. Of course in this damned office it was impossible to look in any direction without having one's face studied by some former Headmaster or Headmistress, but at least the nosy portraits were keeping their painted mouths shut and they would not be able to report to Dumbledore more than his facial expressions.
He felt as if he had holes all over his body and all his internal organs were being crucio'd. The feeling of wrongness in his gut that he had been doing his best to ignore the entire week and especially the last few hours had become unignorable, and his stomach seemed in the process of dissolving in acid and guilt. His liver burned with rage at the whole universe but especially at Dumbledore and himself, and his heart was a devastation of loss, grief and fear. It was all wrong. He didn't want things to be like this, and it wasn't fair, it wasn't fair that everything in his life was so hard and painful and ugly. It was unfair that he couldn't be with Lily for real, that the only person who cared about him was a psychopath incapable of love, that he would be sent to Azkaban to relive everything that his father and the bloody Marauders had done to him.
"I would appreciate if you could leave us, Nicholas," said Dumbledore's voice behind him after several quiet minutes. "I need to talk to Severus alone."
"I don't think so, Albus," said Flamel, his voice hard and cold.
"Please, Nicholas. Your presence will not help now, you can lecture me later."
No one spoke nor moved for another long moment, but finally Flamel seemed to accept the dismissal, judging by the rustle of medieval robes and the dull clunking of boots across the room. The centenarian wizard came to a stop next to Severus on his way to the door, though.
"Mr. Snape," he said, the melodic quality of his voice and lack of French accent for the first time registering in Severus' brain and idly making him reflect that descriptions and illustrations in history books could never really prepare anyone to meet Nicholas Flamel. Both the voice and the eyes had taken Severus by surprize, and it had been those two things what had allowed him to assimilate the mythical figure as a real person.
He reluctantly turned his head now to meet those ancient eyes again, verifying that the effect of that penetrating gaze was stronger the closer they were. At this distance Severus could note the exact colour of Flamel's eyes, and he could see just how old they were. And for the first time he saw compassion in them.
"Remember that you always have a choice," said the ageless wizard. "Do not let Albus convince you otherwise."
Severus shook his head, skeptical, but he didn't say anything in response.
"And Mr. Snape..." added Flamel, "You could live a thousand years with the woman you love, but you would never be happy if she didn't choose to be with you. Remember that too."
Anguish threatened again with bringing down Severus' mental shields, but he didn't care. Flamel didn't seem to need Legilimency to see everything of importance inside him. Severus hoped he could also see that he was ashamed of having entertained the idea of taking his wife hostage to trade her for the Elixir of Life. He envied Flamel for being able to live in peace and happiness with the woman he loved forever, and he resented not to have access to the same himself, but Severus had no right to the alchemist's creation nor held any personal grudges against the man that could justify taking something of his.
"I will owl the counter-curse to Albus," said Flamel in a more businesslike tone as he turned to leave. "If you decide to return to your master, tell him that I wish him a swift recovery."
"Nicholas is right, Severus," said the Headmaster behind him once they were alone. "You do have a choice in all this, and I will respect whatever choice you make."
Flamel's departure had left Severus drowning in shame, anguish and confusion, but anger flared inside him and pushed everything else to the back of his mind as he turned to face the manipulative bastard.
"Do you think me a fool, Dumbledore?" he spat. "I don't even have the choice of leaving this bloody office. Or are you going to tell me that the knob will turn if I try to open the door?"
"It will not turn," admitted the old man. "Not until we finish talking. Once we're done, however, you will be free to leave this office and to choose where to go and what to do."
"What if by the time we finish talking you're convinced that I am a traitor?" challenged him Severus. "What if you decide that I'm nothing more than a nasty Death Eater after all? Somehow I doubt I will be given the choice not to go to Azkaban."
"If by the end of this conversation you decide that you want to rejoin the dark side, you will be free to go back to Voldemort," assured him Dumbledore. "I will not stop you."
"Right," said Severus skeptically. "You would just send the Dark Lord an owl telling him all about my betrayal, perhaps attaching a few compromising memories. Or you would go ahead of me and take Lily hostage to secure my allegiance. It's not much of a choice if I only have one option to choose from, Dumbledore."
The old man shook his head sadly.
"You confuse me with Voldemort, Severus. But I am not him. I would never send a message with the sole purpose of condemning a man who betrayed me to a horrible death, I am not vindictive. You should also know that I would never hold the families or loved ones of the enemy as hostages, the fact that the children of Death Eaters are safe under my protection and are allowed to return home for holidays is proof of that."
"I am not just any Death Eater, though," said Severus. "I'm your precious spy that you must keep in position at any cost. You condemned a woman to sexual slavery to preserve my cover; holding her hostage to ensure my loyalty would be tame in comparison. And why should I expect any different from you when you have already proven that you're not better than the Dark Lord?"
Dumbledore sighed.
"If you want to change sides again, you are free to do so, Severus. I will not retaliate, and I will not try to take Lily from you."
"Of course," drawled Severus coldly. "I should have known that you would not move a finger to protect her from me. Is that why you didn't storm Spinner's End this morning? You must have considered the possibility that I had died or turned traitor, and yet you didn't even try to rescue Lily. You never meant to extract her if she was in danger, did you? Admit it!"
"Just a moment ago you feared I would extract Lily to use her as a hostage against you, Severus," said the Headmaster, looking at him with concern. "Paranoia is making you irrational."
"It's not paranoia if I really have a cold-hearted bastard trying to manipulate me!" yelled Severus. "A bastard who thinks I'm scum and who doesn't give a shit about Lily! You think I will believe for a second that you would allow me to go back to the dark side if you didn't have a way to control me or at least destroy me? I could be as dangerous as the Dark Lord if I surrendered completely to the darkness, Dumbledore, the light side certainly would not stand a chance against the two of us together, nothing would be able to stop us!"
He knew that he was giving himself away, but he didn't care. Thanks to Flamel, Dumbledore already suspected that Severus had lost the way and turned traitor, he might as well be witness of the darkness he had conjured by sending him back to the Dark Lord and forcing him to keep Lily as a pet.
"I know how valuable you are to Voldemort, Severus," said the Headmaster gravely, looking at him as if he had just realized that he was in the presence of another dark lord in the making, "and how much damage you could do if you embraced darkness completely. But I don't think you really want to do that. In fact I think that you're afraid of yourself, and that this is a cry for help-"
"I know better than to come to you for help," spat Severus with venom. "This is just me, trapped."
"You are not trapped, Severus. You will be allowed to leave when we finish talking, and you will be free to rejoin Voldemort and keep Lily with you if that is your choice. That doesn't mean that I don't care about Lily," he clarified. "I do care, but since you have already claimed her and no one alive loves her like you do as far as I'm concerned she is yours to decide what to do with her. I also believe that our original arrangement is no longer valid, given that I failed to protect Lily as I had promised to do in exchange for your services as a spy, so you are no longer obligated to work for me and you are even entitled to some compensation. The least I can do is to allow you to rejoin your original side if that is what you wish to do, and to keep silence about the betrayal I demanded from you this past year."
Severus looked at Dumbledore suspiciously. What was the old man playing at? Was he trying to get Severus to confess that he wanted to change sides? Or was this some sort of reverse psychology? He did feel that it would be fair to be compensated for all the spying he had done in exchange of an unfulfilled promise, but there was no way that the controlling Headmaster truly meant to allow him to rejoin the dark side and take Lily with him, so this must be a test. Severus certainly could not trust the bastard not to owl his execution order to the Dark Lord if he chose 'wrong', and apparently Lily would not be rescued so she would pay for his past treachery too.
"I mean it, Severus," said the Headmaster seriously. "The choice is yours, just as it was your choice to accept Lily as a reward to preserve your cover."
"That was not my choice!" snapped Severus, instantly losing whatever calm he had managed to restore. "You forced me to do that, you sick bastard, don't you dare washing your hands now! I had chosen to defect, and you didn't let me! I told you that there was still darkness inside me, and you shrugged it off! I was trying to be better, and you... It was you who corrupted me, Dumbledore, not the Dark Lord, you! I tried to make the right choice, I tried..."
I tried to leave Him.
Severus turned around again and leaned over one of the spindle-legged tables, resisting with difficulty the urge to smash an annoying silver trinket that whirred provocatively on his face. His hands were shaking with repressed fury, and he was having trouble breathing, he felt on edge and out of control, in desperate need of his master. The Dark Lord always knew how to help Severus, what to give him, when he needed to dominate or be dominated, and he no doubt would know what to say or do now to subdue or channel his emotional turbulence.
Soft steps behind him warned him of Dumbledore's approach, but he was taken by surprize when the old man unexpectedly laid a hand on his back.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" he snarled, violently swirling around to shake off the unauthorized touch as well as the horrible flashback that it had triggered.
Everything happened too fast. Severus pulled out his wand by reflex as he turned, Dark Magic filling his heart and spreading through him, but before any curse could escape his lips he found himself disarmed and his eyes were captured by Dumbledore's powerful gaze.
His back hurt. And the bastard wasn't done yet, he knew, he had only landed about ten strikes so this was just beginning. Severus wished for his wand again, but he knew that he would be expelled and possibly sent to Azkaban if he did half the things he wanted to do to his father with a wand so it was better not to have access to it.
He winced and felt another wave of rage and powerlessness when the disgusting Muggle took firm hold of his hair and pulled hard. His father hated his long hair because it made Severus look 'like a bloody ponce', but he certainly made use of it when he wanted to drag him around or smash his head against something.
"You think yourself so special, don't you?" drawled the bastard in his nastier tone. "Just like your whore of a mother. But you're nothing without that bloody stick." Severus panicked when his trousers were roughly pulled down. It wouldn't be the first time his backside was acquainted with his father's belt, but he had a nauseating feeling that that's not what the sick bastard intended to do to him this time. "You will learn your place, boy, just like she did."
Horror overwhelmed him and he desperately tried to reach for his magic when he heard the unmistakable sound of a zipper being pulled down, but his magic didn't seem to be anywhere, and he couldn't do anything with his hands tied up, and his father was ignoring all his threats and entreaties, and the grip on his hair tightened as something hard pushed between his buttocks and-
"NO!" he roared, vigorously expelling the intruder from his mind with a combination of wandless magic and mental resolve. The nosy Headmaster staggered, and next thing Severus was ruthlessly pushing his way into Albus Dumbledore's mind in retaliation.
A rush of excitement and admittedly fear went through Albus when he felt the head of Gellert's slick cock slowly pushing against him. He felt some pain when his tight ring of muscle was breached, but Gellert paused to let him adjust and soon Albus was anxiously craving for more, wanting to know how it would feel to be filled to the brim, to be possessed...
"Are you all right, Albus?" asked Gellert with concern, his foreign accent as usual a huge turn on. "I can stop if-"
"No," cut him off Albus, sounding as desperate as he felt. "I want you now."
Gellert chuckled and continued slowly sliding his cock forward until he was finally buried to the hilt inside him. For a long moment they remained still, breathing hard while they processed their physical connection, their union. Albus felt amazingly occupied, whole, his heart brimming with emotion while his cock throbbed with need, the feeling of rightness stronger than ever.
"This is going to be great," murmured Gellert euphorically as he backed up and slowly pushed his way in once more. "We are the perfect match, Albus."
"Perfect," agreed Albus breathlessly. "You're perfect, Gellert."
Gellert chuckled again and reached for his cock, rubbing the dripping head with his thumb.
"No one will be able to stop us, Albus," he said huskily, sliding his hand up and down his shaft in coordination with his slow, deep thrusts. "We will rule the world together."
"Side by side," gasped Albus when Gellert hit a sweet spot inside him with his perfect cock.
"Forever," vowed Gellert as he began to ram harder and faster into him.
Severus withdrew from Dumbledore's mind voluntarily, not wishing to hear the disturbing things that those two might whisper to each other while they climaxed. As he tried to squash his involuntary arousal, he noticed that the Headmaster was extremely pale, and for a very tense moment Severus feared that he would curse him or try to obliviate him, but to his relief the old man just sighed sadly before turning his back to him.
"You look as if you haven't slept at all, Severus, why don't you sit down?" he said as he settled in his own chair behind his desk again. "And I'm guessing you haven't eaten anything either, shall I call for-?"
"I'm fine," snapped Severus. After a brief hesitation, however, he went to sit in his usual place, feeling deeply unsettled and disoriented. He accepted his wand back with surprize and suspicion when the Headmaster handed it to him over the desk, and sat there in silence while he tried to process the revelation that the white-bearded wizard in front of him not only had been young and sexually active at some point in time but had been romantically involved with Gellert Grindelwald, the dark wizard he had famously defeated.
"As you might have inferred," spoke Dumbledore after a few quiet minutes, "I have some personal experience with sacrifice too, Severus. Bringing down Gellert and condemning him to a lifetime in Nurmengard was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, part of me still regrets it even though there is no doubt that he had to be stopped." He sighed sadly again. "Of course your situation with Lily is very different, but I suspect you might be similarly conflicted in regards to Voldemort."
Severus tensed.
"I'm hardly besotted with the Dark Lord, Dumbledore," he drawled. "And unlike you I don't enjoy being buggered."
"You two are bonded, however," said the old man, "and I believe Nicholas is right in that your bond is still binding and stronger than I had thought. I'm guessing the fact that your master kept his promise and spared Lily for you has restored your faith in him and made you feel guilty about betraying him, especially if as I suspect Voldemort has filled the role of protector and caretaker that your father-"
"Do not mention my father!" snapped Severus. "You have no right to know anything about that, Dumbledore, since you never cared to check if your students were safe living with filthy Muggles and you only stumbled upon that private bit of information breaking into my mind without permission. I'm still waiting for an explanation and apology for that, by the way, unless you were lying when you claimed to be better than the Dark Lord."
At last there was guilt and regret in those old blue eyes.
"I apologize, Severus," he said formally. "I was hoping to find out what happened last night so I could help you sort out your confusion, but I shouldn't have intruded into your mind without your consent."
"Damn right," spat Severus. "If you want to know something you will have to ask, Dumbledore, and deal with the frustration if I'm not in the mood to answer or share memories. You would certainly be wise never to try Legilimency on me again, because I promise you that next time I will break your mind in retaliation."
The Headmaster didn't seem affected by the threat, but no doubt he would heed the warning since he couldn't have failed to notice that while he had only managed to access the surface of Severus' mind —and only because he had been vulnerable and distracted by his flashback—, Severus had latched onto a thematically-related memory hidden deep inside the old man's brain. He could have easily accessed and messed with Dumbledore's entire mind from there, in fact part of Severus was berating himself for not having used the opportunity to turn the cold-hearted bastard into a vegetal.
"What happened last night, Severus?" asked the Headmaster after a tense pause. "The raid didn't take more than an hour, but you were gone the entire night and plainly something else happened to affect you this deeply."
"You don't think slaughtering an entire town is enough to affect me?" asked Severus coldly. "Perhaps you're right, it's not as if I care about any filthy Muggles. Let's see, what else happened last night? I suppose all the rape, coercion, torture and child sacrifice might have affected me as well, although I rather enjoyed the whole thing. It's what scum like me is good for, after all."
"You are not scum, Severus," said the old man sternly, a worried frown appearing on his forehead. "Did you have to kill a child?"
"I just kidnapped, imperiused and poisoned a baby, no big deal, Dumbledore," said Severus dismissively. "All by my own initiative, I might add, I didn't have to do it. The Dark Lord was so pleased when he found out that he gave me leave to fuck the mother, which I plan to do as soon as I can spare the time. Do I disgust you?"
Dumbledore leaned back in his chair and studied him with a grave expression on his wrinkled face for a long minute.
"Nothing that you might say or do will make me feel disgusted nor convince me that you're scum, Severus," he said finally. "It is your own self-hatred that you are projecting."
"Don't lie to me, old man!" snapped Severus angrily, jumping to his feet to accuse the bastard from above. "You made clear how you really feel about me that night in the hilltop! I saw the abhorrence in your eyes and heard the contempt in your voice, you out right told me that I disgusted you, and all I was doing then was trying to protect the woman I love. I know that you don't have a better opinion of me than Moody has, you just pretend otherwise because you need scum at your service, don't deny it!"
The Headmaster was shaking his head, sorrow and regret plain in his bright eyes.
"I didn't know you back then, Severus," he said in an almost pleading tone. "That night I saw nothing more than a greedy Death Eater, I did not know what you were capable of yet."
"Of course," spat Severus. "I'm sure if you had known then that I was an expert Occlumens you would have concealed your contempt!"
"I'm not talking about your mental abilities, Severus," said Dumbledore gently, "but about your capacity for compassion. I did not know that night that you were capable of true love and remorse, I learned that later on. Clearly I still have a lot to learn about you —you certainly are not a person easy to get to know—, but it is simply impossible for me to feel disgusted by you after the glimpse I've had of your heart. It actually breaks my heart to see you hurting yourself."
"I'm hurting others, you old fool, not myself!" growled Severus, annoyed by the tears that were rolling down the Headmaster's face making harder to hate him.
"All this resentment hurts yourself, Severus," said Dumbledore sadly. "I wish you could find in your heart to forgive me for not having seen you before. I would have tried to protect you if I had known that you were not safe at home during the holidays, I assure you, if you had just asked for help-"
"Why would I have asked for help to you of all people?" spat Severus, fury and anguish overflowing his heart. "You never helped! You never did anything to stop Potter and Black, not even after Black almost killed me! You protected Lupin, a bloody werewolf, but never me!"
"I never realized that you needed protection, Severus," said Dumbledore, also sounding anguished. "I failed to see what was going on in my own school, I admit, I still don't know exactly what happened between you, James and Sirius, all I can say is that I never saw you like a victim, on the contrary. I only ever heard reports of aggressiveness and insolence from your teachers, and as far as I know you never reported any-"
"I don't want to hear your lame excuses!" yelled Severus. "It's too late, nothing will change what happened. Just... don't!"
He didn't want to hear how his life could have been different if only he hadn't been so damned proud and he had asked for help before. He still wasn't convinced that someone would have helped, but it was torture to consider the possibility. And he didn't really want for things to have happened differently, since he wouldn't be the person he was now if he hadn't gone through all that and joined the Dark Lord, and despite all his darkness and shit he felt more himself now than he had felt at fifteen. Stronger. It also pissed him off that Dumbledore was acting all sorrowful and compassionate when he was actually a cold-hearted bastard who didn't give a damn about Severus.
"You're not going to fool me with your kindly old wizard act, Dumbledore," he said coldly. "I know that you don't care about me, you're just using me. All this talk is not to help me, is to ensure the loyalty of your only spy and help your bloody cause!"
"I can care about the greater good and about individual people at the same time," said the Headmaster. "Caring makes harder for me to make the hard decisions, but I can't help it. I do care about you, Severus, and about Lily."
"You don't! If you cared, you wouldn't have forced me to do what I'm doing to her; you wouldn't have sacrificed our lives and potential relationship as if we were less deserving of happiness than everyone else; you wouldn't have corrupted me when I was trying so hard to be better!" Severus was breathing hard, shaking, desperately struggling to stay firmly angry instead of breaking apart. "At least I admit that I'm scum, Dumbledore, but you? You think yourself so bloody noble and incorruptible, but you enjoy having power and controlling people too, you truly were a perfect match for that megalomaniac. No wonder the Dark Lord despises you, I bet your beloved Grindelwald also ended up despising you for believing yourself better and for being too afraid to come out of the closet and show your true self to the world!"
Severus was spitting words with utter loathing by that point of his verbal onslaught, and he still had a lot of cutting things to add, but the sight of Dumbledore's pale, grief-stricken old face made him waver, and when the damned phoenix let out a soul-piercing wail and flew to perch on its master's knee he just couldn't say another word. For a moment he felt terribly guilty and remorseful for deliberately hurting an elderly man who had sacrificed the person he loved and his own happiness for a selfless cause, but he forced his heart to harden when he realized that his emotions were being manipulated by a few crocodile tears and a stupid bird.
After some internal struggle, he sat down again and waited in silence while the Headmaster absently stroke the phoenix, sighing every few seconds as if he were exhausted of living and keeping his eyes away from Severus while he composed himself.
"I know I might seem cold sometimes," said the old man finally, still not looking at him. "Life has undoubtedly hardened me, and, after having made such a painful personal sacrifice for the greater good, asking sacrifices from others hasn't weighted as much in my conscience as perhaps it should. I have never forced anyone to make sacrifices against their will, though. Everyone has a choice, Severus, and you are not an exception to that no matter how strategically important your position as a spy is." Dumbledore sighed again and looked up. "Nicholas' advise to you was not entirely uncalled for, however. As Headmaster and leader of the Order of the Phoenix I constantly have to lay down rules, organize resources and assign tasks, and I'm sure you will agree that to coordinate so many people it is necessary to be assertive and authoritative. You in particular, Severus, hardly ever listen or take into account anything I suggest unless it is formulated as an unquestionable order, and even those orders you often resist out of mere rebelliousness, so it shouldn't surprize you that I must handle you with a firm hand and leave as little room as possible for objections when I assign you a task."
Dumbledore paused and looked at him with raised eyebrows, as if daring him to deny that he was rebellious and uncooperative, but of course Severus couldn't deny it so he said nothing. The only person he had ever obeyed without resistance was the Dark Lord, and even his master sometimes had to be extra-firm and clear with him to make sure he didn't go rogue and used some loophole to fuck, torture or kill unauthorized people.
"It is usually unwise to expressly tell you that you have the option of refusing," continued the old man, "so I often don't, but you should know that you always have the option of not doing what I ask you to do, Severus. I might give you orders, but ultimately it is your decision whether to follow them or not, and if you choose not to I will respect your choice. At most I will force you to listen to my arguments and to make an informed decision-"
"You mean you will lock me in this office and manipulate me until I agree to do whatever you want me to do," spat Severus.
"If after considering my arguments you agree to do as I suggest I assume that you found merit in the arguments and arrived on your own to the same conclusion I did, Severus, I wouldn't call that manipulation." Dumbledore sighed. "But like I said, I don't always clarify all your options, so perhaps your decisions are not as informed as they should be and as a result you feel you're being forced to do what I ask of you. Which you are not. It must be your choice to fight against the darkness, both the one inside you and the one in the world around you, and only you have the right to decide what you are willing to sacrifice. I will never coerce you to do or not do anything. You don't see it, Severus, but you have all the control and power of decision in this situation, and you have more options than you think. I certainly couldn't have stopped you if you had chosen to free Lily instead of accepting her as reward to preserve your cover."
"Perhaps you couldn't have stopped me, but you would not have helped either," said Severus resentfully. "And without your help and protection Lily and I probably wouldn't have survived the week. For all I know you would have sent me to Azkaban if I had blown my cover, it's not as if you would have any use for me if I couldn't spy anymore."
Dumbledore looked at him with sadness as he shook his head.
"I would have helped you, Severus," he said. "In fact that is still an option. If you don't think you can do this without losing yourself, we can call it off right now. We'll go with your original plan: bring Lily to Hogwarts, arrange for Poppy to amputate your arm, put Spinner's End under a Fidelius, whatever it takes to protect you both from Voldemort's rage. You are most useful to the cause as a spy, Severus, but if you could no longer contribute that way at the very least you would still have value as Potions Master. Even if you could do no more than hide for the rest of the war, you would be worth protecting."
Severus felt a lump form in his throat. His chest tightened, and suddenly it was as if a dark veil had been lifted from his heart and he could feel properly again. As if the last five days hadn't happened and he were again sitting in Dumbledore's office after having raped Lily for the first time, desperate to bring her to safety and beg for her forgiveness, determined to do the right thing even knowing that she probably would never want to see him again. He was back in that moment, being the best version of himself he had ever been, only this time the old man was offering him the support and help he had hoped for back then, together with the assurance that he would be protected if he couldn't work as a spy anymore. Severus felt like crying at the thought that this dark nightmare could end today. He could floo to Spinner's End right now and free Lily, tell her everything and bring her to Hogwarts, where she would be safe from the Dark Lord and from Severus...
The walls of his chest seemed to close around his heart as images of everything that he had done to Lily since Halloween saturated his brain, filling him with dread. Just hours ago he had assaulted her in her sleep and then fucked her arse with his fingers while he coerced her to express gratefulness and respect for the man who had murdered her baby and stuck it in a jar. She was never going to forgive him for that, and if she ever learned that Severus had saved the Dark Lord's life instead of trying to kill him...
A week ago he had been somewhat rehabilitated, so he had had some hope that, once the whole necessary rape thing had been explained, Lily might have come to forgive him for taking the Prophecy to the Dark Lord if she had seen how hard he had worked to improve himself and contribute to the light cause. Now, though... Now he couldn't claim that he had been 'clean' for over a year, nor could he honestly say that he had done everything he could to take down the Dark Lord. Lily had abandoned him once for wanting to be a Death Eater, if she knew that this very morning he had been fantasizing with ruling the world forever by the Dark Lord's side Severus could definitely forget about another chance with her. She would never believe that she hadn't been dealing with the real Severus, that he hadn't meant all the things he had said to her nor that he hadn't wanted to rape her, hit her nor subjugate her. He couldn't even tell himself that he hadn't wanted to do all those things for real at some point over the last week, and he couldn't deny that part of him preferred this arrangement over the unpredictable affair that it would be to date a free version of her if she ever agreed to go out with him.
Severus leaned forward in his chair and buried his face in his hands to hide the turbulence in his eyes from the Headmaster. If he freed Lily now, it would be the end. This last relapse into darkness had extinguished any possibility between them in the light side, so the only way of not losing her was to keep her under his control in the dark side. Flamel's words reverberated inside his head, but he pushed them aside with annoyance. Lily would never choose to be with him in any side, so it was pointless to aspire to live happily ever after with a woman who had freely decided to be with him, and if the choice was between not having her at all and having her the way he had her now Severus could dispense with her consent. There had been a lot of drama and violence between them in the last five days, but things were bound to settle down eventually, and Lily was actually turning out to be a lot more receptive to him than he could have ever hoped for. If after everything he had done to her she still didn't hate him —and she didn't seem to—, perhaps she never would, and if he used pleasure and rewards well Severus might be able to make her fall for him and even get her to worship him like Bellatrix worshiped the Dark Lord. Lily definitely seemed to be a natural submissive (who would have thought?), and last night she had seemed to care about him, not to mention that she had thoroughly enjoyed his cock. And she might be pregnant already; if Severus brought her back to Hogwarts she would abort his possible child first thing, and he would never get another chance of being a father —he didn't want children from any other woman.
There was even a possibility that the Dark Lord might allow him to marry her at some point in the future, if not to indulge him because marrying her Severus would gain control over the Potter fortune. Lily definitely would be safer with him when the Ministry fell and Dumbledore was eliminated, which was bound to happen sooner rather than later, and it wasn't as if she had a life to go back to in the light side. Her family was dead, her house burned to the ground, and she truly would have to spend the rest of her life running or hiding like a rat if Severus let her go, while with him she would have protection, pleasure, children, a home and possibly even some degree of freedom some day. He certainly didn't intend to keep her locked up in a small room forever, he might give her freedom around the house soon if she behaved, and once the war was over he would be able to take her outside or at least move her to a manor with warded grounds.
And then there was his master. Severus hadn't felt so close to him last week as he felt now, he hadn't needed him so much nor had he trusted him with Lily, so the decision of defecting had been easy. Now, though... Now he felt certain that losing his master would cripple him. Perhaps if he had Lily to fill the void he would be able to survive that loss, but if he defected and gave her freedom he would be looking forward to a lonely life without any source of comfort. He would have nothing and no one, no woman, no master, no power, no freedom to go around without fear of being hunted down by a vengeful Dark Lord. Even if Severus still wanted to defect, now that he knew for certain that his master couldn't die or wouldn't stay dead he really didn't see the point of resisting him; the clever thing to do was to follow him, help him win the war, and built a life for himself and Lily in the new order.
"You are free to call this off at any moment, Severus," said the Headmaster, "but I think you agreed to do it in the first place because you understood that it was strategically necessary, and you believed, like I do, that Lily would have been willing to make the sacrifice. You agreed to do it because you wanted to contribute to the cause and help bring Voldemort down, both because you knew that's what Lily would want and because you too believed that he must be stopped." He made a pause. "You are now stronger and wiser than you were as a teenager, Severus, better equipped to fight against your inner darkness and to resist Voldemort's manipulations, but if the current situation is confusing you and making you lose yourself then I will support your choice of quitting. It is up to you."
I am better prepared to resist your manipulations, old fool, thought Severus derisively. Of course offering him options and power of decision was just a strategy to give him the illusion that he was free to choose what to do when in actuality the only choice that would open the office's door would be to continue spying for Dumbledore. For once, however, Severus was glad that the Headmaster cared more about his position as a spy than about him, since that would make the cold-hearted bastard easier to fool. It was also good that Dumbledore seemed to have forgotten that Severus was a Slytherin, not a bloody Gryffindor like him. Slytherins didn't do stupid things like aligning themselves with the loser side, or sacrificing their own happiness to protect filthy Muggles. In Dumbledore's place, Severus certainly would have never turned against his lover and partner in power; if it was exhilarating the idea of ruling the world side by side with the Dark Lord he couldn't imagine how much greater it would be to do it with a dark version of Lily. His perfect match.
Severus finally raised his carefully occluded face and met the light-blue eyes of his enemy.
Time for the old manipulator to be bested in his own game.