Chapter Four: Cartman

(NOTE: We know Rene Zellweger was not a famous actress during the time RENT is set, we just wanted to put her in the story)

(Lillian)

"Are you really a rapist?" I asked studying the guy Jane had identified.

He shook his head, "No Jane is just a psycho bitch."

"I hate you Roger the Raping Rapist," Jane shot back.

"I don't care," Roger sighed moving to sit on the couch.

"Well you should care," Jane said eyeing Roger. "I hated a someone once before and you know what happened to her?"

"No," he answered. "And I don't care.

"Oh well like I said before you should care," she replied. "Stephanie tell him what happened to Emily."

Stephanie let out a sigh and answered, "She conveniently died."

"Jane you killed someone," the Katies gasped together.

"I'm not surprised," I sighed. "Like Roger said she's one crazy psycho bitch."

"Hey!" Jane cried. "I never said I killed anyone she just conveniently died."

"How'd she die?" Mark asked finally speaking up.

"Fell off a bridge," Stephanie answered with another sigh.

"So beware Roger, you rapist you," Jane said once again turning her attention back to him. "You could be falling off a bridge in the very near future."

Roger rolled his eyes apparently unperturbed by Jane's threats. "Whatever you say."

"I see you still need some convincing of my awesome power," Jane sighed.

"What power?" I asked with a snort.

"Hey Lillian," she said turning to me. "Why don't you go take a long walk on a short pier? Any who back to making this filthy rapist fear me. I hated Renee Zellweger and look what happened to her."

"She won the Oscar?" Mark supplied weakly.

"Well yeah she did but I had nothing to do with that," Jane answered. "Stephanie tell 'em what happened to Renee Zellweger."

Stephanie sighed yet once again before answering. "She married Kenny Chesney."

"That's right!" Jane cried triumphantly. "Renee Zelllweger and Kenny Chesney's marriage was my own sick and twisted revenge plan. That was all me baby."

"You had nothing to do with their marriage," Roger sighed shaking his head.

"Fine," Jane said crossing her arms over her chest. "Doubt my power you loser, and by loser I mean rapist. I wouldn't be surprised if you conveniently died or got married to country singing sensation tomorrow. That's how mad my skills are."

"Jane you're freakin' insane!" the Katies cried together as always.

"That may be," Jane sighed but then seemed to lose her train of thought. "Um, I'm thirsty. I think I'm gonna go try and find a soda machine."

"Can we come too?" the Katies asked.

"Sure," Jane asked. "We can whore you two out for money to buy the soda."

"Hey," the Katies cried together. "Don't whore us out, whore out Stephanie!"

"Hey!" Stephanie cried. "Don't whore out me! Whore out that guy!" She pointed to Mark.

"Hey!" Mark cried. "First of all, my name is Mark. Second of all, do you think I'd get many customers?"

"Oh yeah," Jane answered with a nod. "You're looking at one right now." Jane tried to wink at Mark but really only ended blinking a couple times.

"Were you winking?" Mark asked.

"I can't close one eye without closing both of them," Jane answered.

"Okay," Mark nodded. "But anyway everything you just said was really creepy."

"Creepy is my middle name," Jane said and then blinked, well I guess she was really trying to wink but you never know with her.

"Was that one a wink?" Roger asked.

"No you stupid rapist," she answered. "I was blinking, my eyes are dry. Well anyway bitches I'm out, gotta go find me a soda."

"Can we please come?" the Katies asked. "Only you can't whore us out."

"Fine," Jane sighed. "You can come. There's an experiment I've wanted do."

"What experiment?" Stephanie asked.

Jane gestured to the Katies. "I want to see if I kill one of them the other one dies too."

"Okay then," Stephanie said with a nod. "Have fun with that."

"Jane you really wouldn't kill us would you?" the Katies asked following Jane out the door of the loft.

"Of course not," she answered. "I need you to make the money. Now put on your lipstick ladies, we're going to meet some customers."

"Jane is so fucking retarded," I sighed once she had left the room."

"Yet in a way she's a genius," Stephanie sighed.

"Well whatever I'm calling me mom."

"What?" she cried. "You can't call your mother. Are you insane?"

"I'm not insane," I answered. "I just want to see if she if she'll wire us some cash so we don't actually end up having to whore someone out."

"If you call your mother she'll call my mother," Stephanie said looking anxious. "And then I'll be screwed because my parents will freak and lock me away from the world. I can say bye bye to college."

"Would you parents really not let you got o college?" Mark asked.

She shrugged, "I don't know but I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't. My parents are insane, a lot like Lillian."

"I'm not insane!" I yelled. "And I'm calling my mother whether you like it or not, so ha!"

"No you're not!"

"Yes I am!"

"No you're not!"

"Yes I am!"

"No you're not!"

"Ow!"

"Ow?"

"I bit my tongue," I explained.

"Well you're not calling your mother," she insisted

"Yes I am!"

Stephanie opened her mouth to respond but Roger cut her off. "Please don't start that again you two."

"But she can't call her mother," she whined. "I'll get in trouble."

"Well screw you bitch," I said moving towards Mark and Roger's phone. "I'm calling her anyway."

"God damn you Lillian," she cried stomping her foot. "You need to respect my authority!"

My jaw dropped when I heard what she had just said. "Oh my God! Steph you are such a Cartman!"

"What?" she gasped. "I am not a Cartman. If anyone is a Cartman it's you!"

"No!" I yelled back. "You are the Cartman and you now it!"

"Who the fuck is Cartman?" Roger asked.

Mark shrugged, "I have no clue."

"Let's just watch them fight," Roger sighed.

"Uh okay."

"Lillian just admit it!" Stephanie shouted back at me. "You are one hundred percent the Cartman out of all our friends."

I have a feeling Steph and I might have completely broke out in all out fight with hair pulling, slamming each other into walls, you know the whole enchilada. But I guess we got lucky because apparently Jane and the Katies were finished getting their soda because they chose to waltz back into the loft at the moment.

"For the last time," Jane cried sounding aggravated. "I'm not fat, I'm big boned, you skinny bitch!"

Stephanie and I looked at each other for a moment before I spoke. "Maybe Jane's the Cartman."

"Yeah," she nodded. "Jane is definitely the Cartman."