A/N: Sorry, really sorry about the delay. A lot of stuff happened last week
and this week and if you don't count the fact that I've got an archaeology
presentation like in three days and nothing is done, I was very busy
sorting out things with people and with myself... Anyway, welcome back to
Fire'N'Ice, my dear beta-reader!!!!!! I missed you, but you already know
all this, right? And I smite people like ???, reviewing to say nothing.
Oh, and if you're looking for a good cutting story that is also a D/G, you'd like to check out Dragon And Fire Sprite by SoulUnFound, it's really good. And also Scars of the Black Rose by Dirt-is-Yummy, a faithful reviewer, he he he... And you should also check Silver and Cold by Mad Love Dreamer, it's awesome and should get a lot more reviews.
Oh, and I'm lame to beg like this, but I got only three reviews for my other HP story called More Than I Am... It's about Draco and his twin sister who's a squib, him being a Death Eater, war context and blah blah blah. Will you give it a chance? Please...
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Struggle 24
*Harry's pov*
Ron and I are eating breakfast and we enjoy it. Like always, might I add. Nothing steps between food and us. Only Hermione dared to hold us back from food and that was months ago. The day this mess started, the day Ron bullied his own sister, the girl he was so overprotective of.
"Hey, where's Malfoy?" suddenly asks Seamus. It seems that the bastard has become the centre of the world. Colin shrugs superiorly.
"Maybe he dug his goddamn blade in his non-existent heart", Ron offers while stuffing bacon in his mouth. Snorts and snickers welcome his comment and a pale Ginny shoots him a death glare while Hermione puts her hand on the redhead's arm to calm her down.
Suddenly, Ron yelps and it makes my toast fall in my tea. I sigh and turn to glare at him, but the glare immediately vanishes and let place to eyes wide with surprise. Both Ron's and Colin's hair has disappeared. They both have a pink and shinning bare skull and are whining over the loss of their hair. Ginny stifles a laugh, I see Hermione dive under the table to hide her laughter and Sophia malfoy-smirks graciously.
At this moment, Malfoy steps in the Great Hall, his eyes stuck to the ground in front of him. It's obvious that he's in his little world and sees nothing of the havoc at our table. Ron's skull changes shades from baby pink to bright vermillion, which just makes everybody laugh harder. With his flaring temper, Ron jumps from the bench and runs against Malfoy.
"It's you. I know it is, you sodding git, I'm gonna kill you."
Malfoy looks up in surprise and just has time to dodge Ron's fist. I look up to the staff table, but I spot Dumbledore put a soothing hand on McGonagall's shoulder. They're waiting and Dumbledore's eyes shine with a mischievous twinkle.
Furious that Malfoy avoided the blow, Ron turns and dives again at the Slytherin but something stops him abruptly. A ghost stands between him and Malfoy, but WHOSE ghost is comes quite a shock. The whole school breaks in whispers as they watch Hannah Abbott hover between Malfoy and Ron. She shakes her head and laughs.
"New hairdo Ron? Fabulous, really awe-inspiring."
The words 'Thank you, I'm flattered' appear on Ron's head and the school erupts again in laughter. Colin gets up and comes to face Hannah. "Do you mind? We've got some business to do with the freak over there," he spits, jerking his head toward the Slytherin.
'I'm the only freak here' appears on his bald head. Malfoy snickers and crosses his arms over his chest, waiting defiantly for Colin to come and explain a few things.
"Miss Abbott, why don't you tell our poor...er, victims, how long their heads will stay that way?" breaks in Dumbledore's amused voice.
Hannah plasters her best 'I'm innocent, how dare you even imply that I've got something to do with this' look and sighs. "Professor, I really don't see what you're talking about." Then she turns to Colin and Ron and smirks evilly. "It'll stay that way till some sense gets into your thick heads. And remember Colin, you're the only freak here, you betrayed your friend."
With that, she begins to float away. Moaning Myrtle pops out of nowhere and starts to twirl around the two bald guys and bows down in front of Malfoy who rolls his eyes and shakes his head. Peeves appears too, with a wand in his hand. He stares at it intensely with a depressed glint in his eyes then sighs and reluctantly hands it to Malfoy. "I had fun, but I guess that moron of Crabbe will need it..."
Suddenly, Myrtle's shrill voice floats in the hall "Peeves, you stupid poltergeist HURRY UP, we've got other pranks to plan!"
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*Ron's pov*
I'm behind Mum's office door. I'm a bit ashamed that I spy on her and Snape, but it happened and well, no way to go back now. I was about to open the door and ask her to help me get my hair back when I heard Snape say Malfoy's name and I'm now listening to their conversation with my ear stuck to the wooden door.
"Dumbledore told me that Fudge was sending Draco home for Christmas, I can't believe he's that thick. Doesn't he see how it destroys that kid?" says Mum with a desperate edge in her voice.
"He doesn't want to see. Lucius bribed him, that's for sure. Zabini told me today that Draco cut himself to anaemia yesterday but refuses to speak." Answers Snape in his steady voice.
"Draco is a secretive kid, you know he never speaks, never lets go of anything, he's-"
Snape voice comes sharper "Look where it leads him! He gashes his body instead of talking to someone, how many cuts do you reckon he'll do before getting to the Manor? How many, Molly?"
"I don't know, ok!" she snaps as I hear a pounding noise.
A silence follows this statement and I take a few steps back and hide behind a statue. I see the doorknob turn and Snape's robes come in sight.
"Severus!" Shouts Mum. Snape's robes come to a stop. "What is important is that he's not alone anymore."
Snape comes out of the room and closes the door behind him. I can see worry written on his face, it's strange, the only thing seen there is usually a deep scowl. I've quite forgotten about my hair, to tell the truth. I really begin to wonder what's behind the name of Malfoy. Why suddenly so many people get involved in some unknown business. Ginny, Hannah Abbott and her team, Sophia, Zabini obviously. Even Hermione seems to know things, but me, I know nothing. And it can't stay that way.
..........
I'm now sitting outside the hospital wing, uneasy, embarrassed even. I don't know why I am, but I fear what I'll learn, I fear that it would turn my world upside down again. Maybe I'm gonna face my failure and stupidity behind this goddamn door, but I have to understand.
I squeeze my hands to ease the pressure building inside me, but it doesn't really help. Why such a little thing puts me in such a right state? I don't know, but again, I don't know anything anymore. Even Harry and Hermione say they don't recognize me and I'm conscious that they're right.
"Mr Weasley, what can I do for you?" I jump as I hear Mrs Pomfrey's curt voice and I see that she's standing in the doorway, her hands on her hips. I swallow my fears and doubts and I get up.
"I need to talk to you, if you have time, please." I bite my lip and look at my old shoes.
"Come in."
I step behind her and enter her office. She closes the door and goes to sit at her desk. I look around, I've never come in that room before. Bookshelves go up to the ceiling, they're stacked with medical volumes, vials and other strange objects. In a corner, crystal owls are lined up on a table, along with stuffed or porcelain ones. Who would have thought that Mrs Pomfrey had a soft spot for owls?
She gestures me to sit on the chair facing her and I obey, still very uncomfortable. She sees my uneasiness smiles warmly, she's really someone nice under her stern exterior.
"So, what do you want to talk about?" she asks in a soothing way. She doesn't laugh at my lack of hair, she doesn't give me a scold for my behaviour of these days.
I squirm a bit on my chair and lower my eyes to the wooden floor. "I wanted to ask you about...cutting." I look briefly at her, I'm relieved that the dreadful words have come out that easily.
"It's about Draco Malfoy, right?" I nod silently. "If you're worried that he might hurt your sister, the answer is no, he's only a danger to himself." I feel relieved and I want to leave, afraid to talk more with her but it seems that I can't move. Instead, words that I don't control come out of my dry mouth.
"Is he suicidal?"
"No, Mr Weasley, he isn't."
"Then why? Why does he do that freaky thing?"
She gets up and starts to walk around her desk. "Many people do it, it's neither freaky, neither rare. But it stays a secret exactly because of the reactions people have and you know what they are, right?" I wince as I see myself on top of Malfoy, punching him and calling him names, his blood on my hands. "Now, reasons for self-inflicted wounds are numerous and various: punishment, release, expression, way of existing... If you're interested, take that book."
She drops the small volume on the table but all I do is staring at it with intensity, I hardly dare touch it. I finally reach for it and tuck it in my tattered schoolbag. I mumble a thank you and stand up to leave.
"Mr Weasley," she suddenly says as I'm opening the door. I pause with my hand on the handle and turn to look at the mediwitch. "This book might help you overcome your prejudice, but it won't tell you who Draco Malfoy is. To discover that, you'll have to go to him, there's no other solution. Have a nice evening and put some hat on, you're going to catch a cold."
I grin faintly and walk out of the hospital wing with a weight less on my shoulders and a key to my questions safely hidden between two rolls of parchment. Mrs Pomfrey's words echo in my head as I take the path to the common room. "Punishment, release, expression, way of existing..."
What is your secret, Malfoy?
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*Draco's pov*
I'm working in the common room when Zabini appears in front of me. His face is neutral but he's got a hint of pity in his eyes and it drives me crazy.
"Draco, you should see something."
I frown but stand up and follow him to the dorm. I stop dead in my tracks when I see the massacre. All my things have been piled in the middle of the room and someone set fire to them. Even my schoolbooks are spoiled, about three quarters of them are to throw away. What hasn't been burnt has been scribbled on. FREAK FREAK FREAK. Everywhere. Even on the wall behind my bed. The dark red paint has stained the sheets and the carpet. All my belongings are ruined, broken, I feel sick.
I dig my nails in my palm till I draw blood when I spot the shrivelled picture of my mother under a charms assignment. I turn on my heel and leave my destroyed possessions behind me. I go back downstairs with a careless attitude. I know they're all gathered in the common room, waiting for my reaction. I head to the corner in which I was sitting before and go back to my homework without even looking at them.
My writing is more nervous, I grip my quill tighter and the scratch of it on the paper is intensified, but other than that, no emotion shows. I keep it all inside, deeply buried and I start to build another wall in front of the others. I hear whispers behind me, they're disappointed in my lack of reaction.
I'm boiling inside, though. I'm hurt and I'm craving for my blade. But I won't go now. I'm gonna finish this stupid homework and act as if nothing had happened. Then I'll go to Binns and I'll hand it in immediately, before it's spoiled too. And after that, when everything else is done, then I'll kill my pain.
When all this is done, I sit on a step and roll up my sleeves. My arms are still bandaged from yesterday. The wounds are itching and I didn't want to take the gauze off, I didn't want to see what I had done to myself. As the gauze falls on the stone floor, I see it. HOME still stands out on my skin and I start to count the days till I have to take that stupid train. Three days. No, there must be a mistake! I frantically count them down again, it can't be that soon!
When I realise that it is indeed in only three days, my heart sinks lower. I close my eyes and rest my head on my knees. Fudge's speech turns in my head, I can hardly believe what he said. "You could have done it yourself." I could have whipped myself and hit myself to that point? I could have strangled myself that way? I think about my things, in the middle of my dorm. Burnt, stained, ripped apart, broken. Destroyed. Just like me.
I cut over my wounds of yesterday on my upper wrists. I circle my legs with my arms and put again my head on my knees. I start to rock back and forth while salty drops roll on my cheeks. I carve FREAK on my other arm, facing HOME and let the blood drip on the My knife falls from my weak hand and lands a few steps further down.
It calms me down and I soon stand up and pick up my knife. I tuck it into my pocket and wipe my tears away. Wallowing finished for now. I head for Snape's office and step in without knocking. He's in a grand conversation with Dumbledore and they stop immediately when they see me.
I stay near the door and announce emotionlessly that I won't be able to hand in my essay for next class. Snape frowns in annoyance, he doesn't treat me with pity like the others, I like the fact that he acts like I'm normal and not a poor victim of a wicked world.
"Why is that, Mr Malfoy?" he asks disdainfully.
"It lies in pieces in the middle of my dorm, along with all my belongings. Or maybe it's in ashes, I don't really know what has been ripped up and what has been burnt." I reply coldly as I stare insolently at him. I turn on my heel without a word to Dumbledore or a good-bye to Snape and walk out of the room.
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And on with the replies!!!!!!
Dirt-is-Yummy: Hey!!! I'm so happy to see so many reviews from you! I love your story and I'm glad you read mine! Yep, that 's why Draco's actually my fav, character: we know nothing of what is hidden. Blaise *shakes head* I'm French and in French, Blaise is only a guy's name so I never doubt it before reading fanfic. Thus I always see him as a guy. Thanks for your compliment, I put everything I have in this story and I'm very happy when I receive reviews like yours. And maybe my writing is better, but it won't stay that way. You're 13, and I'm 19, and your writing is gonna improve so goddamn much, you can't even imagine. Keep up the good work, it's really worth it.
???: dunno why I care enough to answer this particularly interesting review. I honestly don't give a damn if it's original or not, it's just life and that's it. Are you gonna send that sort of reviews to anyone posting a story about cutting? You're really are a Colin Creevey, but you don't know how much of a low thing this is since you didn't even bother read the first line of my fic. Cheers and keep up the great reviews, they're just amazingly constructive.
MidnyteRogue: Well, I'm very happy you gave my fic more than one chapter as a chance. I know the first chapters are really bad, but I'm gonna work on them again when the story is completed, or maybe even before. It was actually the first time I really wrote something like that in English and I like to believe that I've improved since I started. Anyway, I'm also very happy you like my replies to reviews, this means a lot to me. I more than appreciate the time people spend writing reviews and I met my now best friend, beta and twin sis through reviews. And good luck with your writing, your muse will come back! Thanks for putting me on your fav list and let's bring down the Umbridge plague, muahahaha...
LPI3: I continue and I thank you for the review. Glad to hear you hate Colin, trust me, you're not the only one... but this chapter is funny, Colin gets pranked! Ain't it great?
Viraten: disturbing in a negative, neutral or positive way? I don't know how you see self-harm and I don't know how you write it. I read the first chapter of your story to have an idea and it was disturbing to me, go figure. Thanks for giving it a chance, as unusual as it seems to be.
Drxd: Fudge is mean and on top of everything, the biggest moron on Earth... He's so weak and so easy to lie to. Such a naïve simpleton, it's a wonder how he ever got into the minister chair... And I don't really want Draco and Ron to be friends, ever. It would be too weird.
Ohjuotaku: Glad to see that you're still as insane as ever... Yep, you're a master in incoherent rambling, I've got to bow down to you. And Blaise's sarcasm rocks! Yep! I take your invitation gladly, reality is not fun, lunatics shall prevail.
SoulUnFound: thanks for the review, I hope you'll continue to read and review, this story means a lot to me, just like yours to you. I assume I already answered this review in my review to chapter 4 of Dragon and Fire Sprite and I say again not to worry about writer's block, it happens to everybody and one day, you'll just know what to write. I hope it's not too long, though, I'm in love with your story and again read it for like the sixth time this afternoon...
Helaine Janet Lo: hello little hyper Chinese girl!!!! 1. anger decuplates strength and even Ron couldn't stand against you. ". I'm not sure Colin has balls, to tell the truth. 3. I'd like to do that too, but for the sake of the plot, I won't. 4. don't forget me if you manage to sneak in Hogwarts. 5. you can be in this story if you want. you could be the mind voice of Lucius... ah.. noope, sorry, he's too dumb and empty to have one... Your review made me laugh. *sticks out tongue at you*
Goldenhorse: glad you loved this chapter, I was rather proud of it. Not so proud of this one, but I'm tired and over working so hell... and I want to know your new name! *twirl* Yep, people can be stupid and they should act differently... unfortunately, it's too often what happens. And I smite fudge with all my heart.
Luna-is-my-name: how so you almost cried? I wanted you to cry! *pout* *smirk* thanks, I love you for reviewing. Lol, my mom tends to be paranoid about anything, really. Wicca is just the top of the pyramid I guess.
Jewelkitten: So you know what they were up to, and he he he... you also know that Christmas vacation is coming soon...
Rubberduckie 713: Ahem. and when do you update????? Still waiting here! Well, so yep, your alter-ego has loads of fun, everybody loves her in college... they're all sad when she's not there.
Jhaylin: Yep, Blaise and Draco are friends...sort of. Let's say that they hold respect for each other and get along with their high sense of sarcasm...
JB-LIRIMAER: the best fic you've ever read on ff.net? Thanks! *smiles madly* I hope you continue to review! I'm not really satisfied with this chapter, but I've got holidays next week...guess it could use some work. And don't worry, I could NEVER stop writing this fic and I'm already whining over the fact that I'll have to post the last chapter one day... *shudder* scary scary thought.
REVIEW!!!!!!! I love when you review, I love you guys sooooo much! And I need it now, cuz my week is horrible, I can't wait to be Friday and over with the stupid archeo seminar, whatever the result is. So BRIGHTEN MY DAY!
Oh, and if you're looking for a good cutting story that is also a D/G, you'd like to check out Dragon And Fire Sprite by SoulUnFound, it's really good. And also Scars of the Black Rose by Dirt-is-Yummy, a faithful reviewer, he he he... And you should also check Silver and Cold by Mad Love Dreamer, it's awesome and should get a lot more reviews.
Oh, and I'm lame to beg like this, but I got only three reviews for my other HP story called More Than I Am... It's about Draco and his twin sister who's a squib, him being a Death Eater, war context and blah blah blah. Will you give it a chance? Please...
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Struggle 24
*Harry's pov*
Ron and I are eating breakfast and we enjoy it. Like always, might I add. Nothing steps between food and us. Only Hermione dared to hold us back from food and that was months ago. The day this mess started, the day Ron bullied his own sister, the girl he was so overprotective of.
"Hey, where's Malfoy?" suddenly asks Seamus. It seems that the bastard has become the centre of the world. Colin shrugs superiorly.
"Maybe he dug his goddamn blade in his non-existent heart", Ron offers while stuffing bacon in his mouth. Snorts and snickers welcome his comment and a pale Ginny shoots him a death glare while Hermione puts her hand on the redhead's arm to calm her down.
Suddenly, Ron yelps and it makes my toast fall in my tea. I sigh and turn to glare at him, but the glare immediately vanishes and let place to eyes wide with surprise. Both Ron's and Colin's hair has disappeared. They both have a pink and shinning bare skull and are whining over the loss of their hair. Ginny stifles a laugh, I see Hermione dive under the table to hide her laughter and Sophia malfoy-smirks graciously.
At this moment, Malfoy steps in the Great Hall, his eyes stuck to the ground in front of him. It's obvious that he's in his little world and sees nothing of the havoc at our table. Ron's skull changes shades from baby pink to bright vermillion, which just makes everybody laugh harder. With his flaring temper, Ron jumps from the bench and runs against Malfoy.
"It's you. I know it is, you sodding git, I'm gonna kill you."
Malfoy looks up in surprise and just has time to dodge Ron's fist. I look up to the staff table, but I spot Dumbledore put a soothing hand on McGonagall's shoulder. They're waiting and Dumbledore's eyes shine with a mischievous twinkle.
Furious that Malfoy avoided the blow, Ron turns and dives again at the Slytherin but something stops him abruptly. A ghost stands between him and Malfoy, but WHOSE ghost is comes quite a shock. The whole school breaks in whispers as they watch Hannah Abbott hover between Malfoy and Ron. She shakes her head and laughs.
"New hairdo Ron? Fabulous, really awe-inspiring."
The words 'Thank you, I'm flattered' appear on Ron's head and the school erupts again in laughter. Colin gets up and comes to face Hannah. "Do you mind? We've got some business to do with the freak over there," he spits, jerking his head toward the Slytherin.
'I'm the only freak here' appears on his bald head. Malfoy snickers and crosses his arms over his chest, waiting defiantly for Colin to come and explain a few things.
"Miss Abbott, why don't you tell our poor...er, victims, how long their heads will stay that way?" breaks in Dumbledore's amused voice.
Hannah plasters her best 'I'm innocent, how dare you even imply that I've got something to do with this' look and sighs. "Professor, I really don't see what you're talking about." Then she turns to Colin and Ron and smirks evilly. "It'll stay that way till some sense gets into your thick heads. And remember Colin, you're the only freak here, you betrayed your friend."
With that, she begins to float away. Moaning Myrtle pops out of nowhere and starts to twirl around the two bald guys and bows down in front of Malfoy who rolls his eyes and shakes his head. Peeves appears too, with a wand in his hand. He stares at it intensely with a depressed glint in his eyes then sighs and reluctantly hands it to Malfoy. "I had fun, but I guess that moron of Crabbe will need it..."
Suddenly, Myrtle's shrill voice floats in the hall "Peeves, you stupid poltergeist HURRY UP, we've got other pranks to plan!"
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*Ron's pov*
I'm behind Mum's office door. I'm a bit ashamed that I spy on her and Snape, but it happened and well, no way to go back now. I was about to open the door and ask her to help me get my hair back when I heard Snape say Malfoy's name and I'm now listening to their conversation with my ear stuck to the wooden door.
"Dumbledore told me that Fudge was sending Draco home for Christmas, I can't believe he's that thick. Doesn't he see how it destroys that kid?" says Mum with a desperate edge in her voice.
"He doesn't want to see. Lucius bribed him, that's for sure. Zabini told me today that Draco cut himself to anaemia yesterday but refuses to speak." Answers Snape in his steady voice.
"Draco is a secretive kid, you know he never speaks, never lets go of anything, he's-"
Snape voice comes sharper "Look where it leads him! He gashes his body instead of talking to someone, how many cuts do you reckon he'll do before getting to the Manor? How many, Molly?"
"I don't know, ok!" she snaps as I hear a pounding noise.
A silence follows this statement and I take a few steps back and hide behind a statue. I see the doorknob turn and Snape's robes come in sight.
"Severus!" Shouts Mum. Snape's robes come to a stop. "What is important is that he's not alone anymore."
Snape comes out of the room and closes the door behind him. I can see worry written on his face, it's strange, the only thing seen there is usually a deep scowl. I've quite forgotten about my hair, to tell the truth. I really begin to wonder what's behind the name of Malfoy. Why suddenly so many people get involved in some unknown business. Ginny, Hannah Abbott and her team, Sophia, Zabini obviously. Even Hermione seems to know things, but me, I know nothing. And it can't stay that way.
..........
I'm now sitting outside the hospital wing, uneasy, embarrassed even. I don't know why I am, but I fear what I'll learn, I fear that it would turn my world upside down again. Maybe I'm gonna face my failure and stupidity behind this goddamn door, but I have to understand.
I squeeze my hands to ease the pressure building inside me, but it doesn't really help. Why such a little thing puts me in such a right state? I don't know, but again, I don't know anything anymore. Even Harry and Hermione say they don't recognize me and I'm conscious that they're right.
"Mr Weasley, what can I do for you?" I jump as I hear Mrs Pomfrey's curt voice and I see that she's standing in the doorway, her hands on her hips. I swallow my fears and doubts and I get up.
"I need to talk to you, if you have time, please." I bite my lip and look at my old shoes.
"Come in."
I step behind her and enter her office. She closes the door and goes to sit at her desk. I look around, I've never come in that room before. Bookshelves go up to the ceiling, they're stacked with medical volumes, vials and other strange objects. In a corner, crystal owls are lined up on a table, along with stuffed or porcelain ones. Who would have thought that Mrs Pomfrey had a soft spot for owls?
She gestures me to sit on the chair facing her and I obey, still very uncomfortable. She sees my uneasiness smiles warmly, she's really someone nice under her stern exterior.
"So, what do you want to talk about?" she asks in a soothing way. She doesn't laugh at my lack of hair, she doesn't give me a scold for my behaviour of these days.
I squirm a bit on my chair and lower my eyes to the wooden floor. "I wanted to ask you about...cutting." I look briefly at her, I'm relieved that the dreadful words have come out that easily.
"It's about Draco Malfoy, right?" I nod silently. "If you're worried that he might hurt your sister, the answer is no, he's only a danger to himself." I feel relieved and I want to leave, afraid to talk more with her but it seems that I can't move. Instead, words that I don't control come out of my dry mouth.
"Is he suicidal?"
"No, Mr Weasley, he isn't."
"Then why? Why does he do that freaky thing?"
She gets up and starts to walk around her desk. "Many people do it, it's neither freaky, neither rare. But it stays a secret exactly because of the reactions people have and you know what they are, right?" I wince as I see myself on top of Malfoy, punching him and calling him names, his blood on my hands. "Now, reasons for self-inflicted wounds are numerous and various: punishment, release, expression, way of existing... If you're interested, take that book."
She drops the small volume on the table but all I do is staring at it with intensity, I hardly dare touch it. I finally reach for it and tuck it in my tattered schoolbag. I mumble a thank you and stand up to leave.
"Mr Weasley," she suddenly says as I'm opening the door. I pause with my hand on the handle and turn to look at the mediwitch. "This book might help you overcome your prejudice, but it won't tell you who Draco Malfoy is. To discover that, you'll have to go to him, there's no other solution. Have a nice evening and put some hat on, you're going to catch a cold."
I grin faintly and walk out of the hospital wing with a weight less on my shoulders and a key to my questions safely hidden between two rolls of parchment. Mrs Pomfrey's words echo in my head as I take the path to the common room. "Punishment, release, expression, way of existing..."
What is your secret, Malfoy?
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*Draco's pov*
I'm working in the common room when Zabini appears in front of me. His face is neutral but he's got a hint of pity in his eyes and it drives me crazy.
"Draco, you should see something."
I frown but stand up and follow him to the dorm. I stop dead in my tracks when I see the massacre. All my things have been piled in the middle of the room and someone set fire to them. Even my schoolbooks are spoiled, about three quarters of them are to throw away. What hasn't been burnt has been scribbled on. FREAK FREAK FREAK. Everywhere. Even on the wall behind my bed. The dark red paint has stained the sheets and the carpet. All my belongings are ruined, broken, I feel sick.
I dig my nails in my palm till I draw blood when I spot the shrivelled picture of my mother under a charms assignment. I turn on my heel and leave my destroyed possessions behind me. I go back downstairs with a careless attitude. I know they're all gathered in the common room, waiting for my reaction. I head to the corner in which I was sitting before and go back to my homework without even looking at them.
My writing is more nervous, I grip my quill tighter and the scratch of it on the paper is intensified, but other than that, no emotion shows. I keep it all inside, deeply buried and I start to build another wall in front of the others. I hear whispers behind me, they're disappointed in my lack of reaction.
I'm boiling inside, though. I'm hurt and I'm craving for my blade. But I won't go now. I'm gonna finish this stupid homework and act as if nothing had happened. Then I'll go to Binns and I'll hand it in immediately, before it's spoiled too. And after that, when everything else is done, then I'll kill my pain.
When all this is done, I sit on a step and roll up my sleeves. My arms are still bandaged from yesterday. The wounds are itching and I didn't want to take the gauze off, I didn't want to see what I had done to myself. As the gauze falls on the stone floor, I see it. HOME still stands out on my skin and I start to count the days till I have to take that stupid train. Three days. No, there must be a mistake! I frantically count them down again, it can't be that soon!
When I realise that it is indeed in only three days, my heart sinks lower. I close my eyes and rest my head on my knees. Fudge's speech turns in my head, I can hardly believe what he said. "You could have done it yourself." I could have whipped myself and hit myself to that point? I could have strangled myself that way? I think about my things, in the middle of my dorm. Burnt, stained, ripped apart, broken. Destroyed. Just like me.
I cut over my wounds of yesterday on my upper wrists. I circle my legs with my arms and put again my head on my knees. I start to rock back and forth while salty drops roll on my cheeks. I carve FREAK on my other arm, facing HOME and let the blood drip on the My knife falls from my weak hand and lands a few steps further down.
It calms me down and I soon stand up and pick up my knife. I tuck it into my pocket and wipe my tears away. Wallowing finished for now. I head for Snape's office and step in without knocking. He's in a grand conversation with Dumbledore and they stop immediately when they see me.
I stay near the door and announce emotionlessly that I won't be able to hand in my essay for next class. Snape frowns in annoyance, he doesn't treat me with pity like the others, I like the fact that he acts like I'm normal and not a poor victim of a wicked world.
"Why is that, Mr Malfoy?" he asks disdainfully.
"It lies in pieces in the middle of my dorm, along with all my belongings. Or maybe it's in ashes, I don't really know what has been ripped up and what has been burnt." I reply coldly as I stare insolently at him. I turn on my heel without a word to Dumbledore or a good-bye to Snape and walk out of the room.
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And on with the replies!!!!!!
Dirt-is-Yummy: Hey!!! I'm so happy to see so many reviews from you! I love your story and I'm glad you read mine! Yep, that 's why Draco's actually my fav, character: we know nothing of what is hidden. Blaise *shakes head* I'm French and in French, Blaise is only a guy's name so I never doubt it before reading fanfic. Thus I always see him as a guy. Thanks for your compliment, I put everything I have in this story and I'm very happy when I receive reviews like yours. And maybe my writing is better, but it won't stay that way. You're 13, and I'm 19, and your writing is gonna improve so goddamn much, you can't even imagine. Keep up the good work, it's really worth it.
???: dunno why I care enough to answer this particularly interesting review. I honestly don't give a damn if it's original or not, it's just life and that's it. Are you gonna send that sort of reviews to anyone posting a story about cutting? You're really are a Colin Creevey, but you don't know how much of a low thing this is since you didn't even bother read the first line of my fic. Cheers and keep up the great reviews, they're just amazingly constructive.
MidnyteRogue: Well, I'm very happy you gave my fic more than one chapter as a chance. I know the first chapters are really bad, but I'm gonna work on them again when the story is completed, or maybe even before. It was actually the first time I really wrote something like that in English and I like to believe that I've improved since I started. Anyway, I'm also very happy you like my replies to reviews, this means a lot to me. I more than appreciate the time people spend writing reviews and I met my now best friend, beta and twin sis through reviews. And good luck with your writing, your muse will come back! Thanks for putting me on your fav list and let's bring down the Umbridge plague, muahahaha...
LPI3: I continue and I thank you for the review. Glad to hear you hate Colin, trust me, you're not the only one... but this chapter is funny, Colin gets pranked! Ain't it great?
Viraten: disturbing in a negative, neutral or positive way? I don't know how you see self-harm and I don't know how you write it. I read the first chapter of your story to have an idea and it was disturbing to me, go figure. Thanks for giving it a chance, as unusual as it seems to be.
Drxd: Fudge is mean and on top of everything, the biggest moron on Earth... He's so weak and so easy to lie to. Such a naïve simpleton, it's a wonder how he ever got into the minister chair... And I don't really want Draco and Ron to be friends, ever. It would be too weird.
Ohjuotaku: Glad to see that you're still as insane as ever... Yep, you're a master in incoherent rambling, I've got to bow down to you. And Blaise's sarcasm rocks! Yep! I take your invitation gladly, reality is not fun, lunatics shall prevail.
SoulUnFound: thanks for the review, I hope you'll continue to read and review, this story means a lot to me, just like yours to you. I assume I already answered this review in my review to chapter 4 of Dragon and Fire Sprite and I say again not to worry about writer's block, it happens to everybody and one day, you'll just know what to write. I hope it's not too long, though, I'm in love with your story and again read it for like the sixth time this afternoon...
Helaine Janet Lo: hello little hyper Chinese girl!!!! 1. anger decuplates strength and even Ron couldn't stand against you. ". I'm not sure Colin has balls, to tell the truth. 3. I'd like to do that too, but for the sake of the plot, I won't. 4. don't forget me if you manage to sneak in Hogwarts. 5. you can be in this story if you want. you could be the mind voice of Lucius... ah.. noope, sorry, he's too dumb and empty to have one... Your review made me laugh. *sticks out tongue at you*
Goldenhorse: glad you loved this chapter, I was rather proud of it. Not so proud of this one, but I'm tired and over working so hell... and I want to know your new name! *twirl* Yep, people can be stupid and they should act differently... unfortunately, it's too often what happens. And I smite fudge with all my heart.
Luna-is-my-name: how so you almost cried? I wanted you to cry! *pout* *smirk* thanks, I love you for reviewing. Lol, my mom tends to be paranoid about anything, really. Wicca is just the top of the pyramid I guess.
Jewelkitten: So you know what they were up to, and he he he... you also know that Christmas vacation is coming soon...
Rubberduckie 713: Ahem. and when do you update????? Still waiting here! Well, so yep, your alter-ego has loads of fun, everybody loves her in college... they're all sad when she's not there.
Jhaylin: Yep, Blaise and Draco are friends...sort of. Let's say that they hold respect for each other and get along with their high sense of sarcasm...
JB-LIRIMAER: the best fic you've ever read on ff.net? Thanks! *smiles madly* I hope you continue to review! I'm not really satisfied with this chapter, but I've got holidays next week...guess it could use some work. And don't worry, I could NEVER stop writing this fic and I'm already whining over the fact that I'll have to post the last chapter one day... *shudder* scary scary thought.
REVIEW!!!!!!! I love when you review, I love you guys sooooo much! And I need it now, cuz my week is horrible, I can't wait to be Friday and over with the stupid archeo seminar, whatever the result is. So BRIGHTEN MY DAY!