A/N: Hello everybody and sorry for the delay, last week's been hell. But
I'm not gonna ramble for a long time cuz before anything else, I want to
reply to ???'s review, who is clearly awfully prejudiced.
First of all, people write here not to get reviews, but because they love writing and it's an opportunity to share their work with people who can appreciate it. But as you're an anonymous reviewer, what do you know about that? Second of all, I don't deny that I'm a bad writer but I'm not seeking attention, I hate being in the light and there's nothing more comfy than shadows. Now, I can't say the same thing of you. You came back to see my reaction and even went to chapter 24 to see it, I think it's sick. Third of all, and probably most difficult thing to say, I certainly don't live off of cutting to get reviews. I bloody well know it's a serious issue, fuck, I know that. You want to know? This story is sometimes the only thing that doesn't make me cut again. You happy? I'm a FREAKING CUTTER. Is that what you wanted to hear? I'm trying to quit, and sometimes, writing Draco's cutting is the only way to avoid doing it to myself (though, thank God, I never got to his point). Don't review a story without even reading it and never judge people on the two lines of a summary. But thank you for being an ass, it's challenging to get reviews like yours, unconstructive as they can be. Cheers.
Mmmh... Now that this burst out is done, I want to thank all my other reviewers cuz this story really means a lot to me (and it's still an understatement) so yeah... Thanks, you're really the best.
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Chapter 25:
*Ginny's pov*
The last few days have been hell for Draco. Literally hell. And today is not going to improve things. When we boarded on the train this morning, I felt like my heart was going to explode with all this pain and worry. Now it's about lunch time but the knot in my stomach prevents me from even looking at my food, neatly packed in my bag. We're alone in this compartment, Draco and I. He's sitting on the other seat, facing me, he gazes outside in a careless way. I'm not sure he really sees the scenery unfolding in front of the train window. He's boiling inside; anger, pain and fear mix up and blend to form a midnight black ball inside his soul. And this ball grows and grows, draining his emotions, trying to make his shell shatter.
The same ball forms in my head, I can feel it, but the trouble is that my own problems come to add to its substance. When I closed the mind bond, Tom came back stronger and made sure Draco wouldn't push him away anymore. So I've got both of them in my head and it hurts like hell. I discreetly rub my temples in an attempt to soothe the ache but Draco nevertheless sees me.
"I'm sorry," he states in a soft voice. Then emptiness floods in my head, he's closed the bond. I swallow with difficulty as his presence frays and only makes things worse. Tom's nightmare occupies my entire mind, his voice echoes and his laughter makes me flinch. He wraps his cold fingers around my sanity and starts to squeeze, I feel possessed again, it makes me panic. I can't remember my old defence techniques against this aggression, I haven't needed them since I met Draco. My brain cells work frantically to find a solution but it's beyond my fingertips, I can't reach it.
I launch myself at Draco and cling to him. I beg him, I need him to open the bond again. My mind madly pushes against his wall in a vain attempt to break through it. And suddenly, Draco's tortured feelings are back, his night that is also my shelter. Tom is furious to be pushed in the background but Draco's stronger, he's alive and Tom is just a memory. I bury my face against Draco and progressively calm down, lulled by his steady heartbeat. I look up and meet his concerned grey eyes, I grin sadly.
"I shall inform you that you've just won a duel against Tom Jedusor," I stammer in a shaky voice.
"Why is he still here? How long has he been hurting you that way? How is it possible I never felt his presence before?" He's talking fast, worried and confused.
"He's been there for years and I was used to fight him, but you shunned him in the shadows the day our minds were linked. And he never had an opportunity to regain power till I stupidly closed the bond. Don't shut it again, please, I need you in my head," I whisper as I wrap my arms around his waist.
"And how on Earth do you think you're going to survive from this evening on? You have to find a solution without me because I don't know how long I'll still be here..."
At that, I break the hug and look at him fiercely. "How dare you say that?"
"Stop lying to yourself! You know very well that I might not come back, that he might kill me the same way as my mother! And I don't want you to be hurt, so GO AWAY, find someone else to help you, I can't," he spits in an irritated voice.
I never saw his anger directed at me and the feelings he stabs me with are stronger than all the words he can say. I get up and turn on my heel; I walk out and slam the door without looking back, making sure that he knows how cross I am. Deep down, I know that the worry and pressure the others constantly put on him explains why he felt the need to unleash this, but I feel hurt, and betrayed. Draco is someone unpredictable and the shock of him going from caring to pushing me away hits hard.
But still, his words haunt me. Do I lie to myself? Is he right? No, it's not possible, it's something I can't accept. My anger rises a bit more at his resignation. He has to fight, he has to live. He has to live.
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*Draco's pov*
I'm mad at myself for having showered Ginny with anger. I don't know why I lost my temper like this, it doesn't happen often. Anguish takes over me when I think that maybe she won't have time to find another solution to deal with Tom. And I feel sad, so bitter that she never told me about her memories hurting her like this. I piled up mine on her and she never let me know about all this going on in her head.
I hurt her. God, I freaking hurt her! She gives me the chance nobody ever offered to me and I just snap at her. Culpability nestles in my chest, I'm aware that I don't deserve her and that I'm fucking lucky.
I take out my knife, my only other friend, the one that I can't hurt. I stare at my last belonging with a sad smile. Ginny and I spent these past nights trying to save some of my stuff; the result was lame, if not inexistent. Somehow, I don't really mind having nothing left. It's like a new page is turned and things that were holding me back to the past, to old Draco, are finally destroyed. I only have this knife to remind me of it, to draw the demons of my childhood on myself.
I draw blood from my wrists without even thinking. I spill the crimson and trace patterns with the tip of the knife. I draw a house, people, a cloud. They're childish drawings but the ink is devoid of innocence, the canvas is scarred and irregular; I laugh bitterly at the irony held in these doodles. I pick at the scab covering HOME and make it bleed again. Then I snap out of my trance and realize how late it is. We're nearly in London, my heart sinks and my laughter dies. Ginny hasn't come back, I can feel that she's still mad at me; I feel empty.
When the train comes to a stop, I gather her things and take them as well as mine. I don't know what I'm going to tell her, what is going to happen. I spot her alone, looking for her bag. I stop in front of her and hand her the backpack without looking at her and she takes it without a word. It's like a wall of ice grew between us and its cold burns. I spot my father, waiting for me near the entrance, looking superior. A sadistic grin graces his features when he sees me and I head toward my torturer with a steady pace, too ashamed to say anything to Ginny.
"Hurry up, we've got a lot of things to discuss tonight, and especially your nasty little habit, you freak. You're a disgrace to our name," he grits through clenched teeth, gripping his cane tightly. I try to breathe but it's jerky and hardly under control. Fear courses through my veins as I look back at Ginny one last time. Her mother has her arm around her shoulder and she bites her lip when she meets my gaze. I can see tears prickling her eyes but it's not anger that I feel coming from her, she's scared. For me. The ice melts.
........
When we arrive at the manor, a smothering silence envelops us. Only father's heels clacking on the marble of the hall can be perceived. The house is deserted. The realization dawns on me: I'll never hear Mother's light steps again. What I had tried to deny is thrown in my face like a fist. Father gestures me to my room. Well, my room is not exactly mine since I generally spend my time locked up in a dungeon, but officially, I've got a room, got to keep up the appearances.
I shiver as we step in the impersonal and chilly place. My nearly empty trunk is pushed in a corner, but it's the only hint that this room is occupied. I feel so lifeless and shallow when I'm in this room. Father leans against the doorframe and starts to tap his cane lightly against his thick soles, I can't help but notice that he's put on his heaviest shoes on. And when I think it's gonna land in my stomach...
"So, Draco... Not only do you feel the need to humiliate our family by associating with scum, you also have to use such a weak way as mutilation to get attention? Want to be a martyr? I can offer you that, you know," he drawls in a sly tone.
I cower a bit, I really have no clue of his plans, of what he wants to do to me tonight. He suddenly leaves his careless attitude and I find myself in front of a wild animal. I know the game is Hide and Seek now, I know I have about ten seconds to leave and then, he'll hunt me down and beat me till he's satisfied. I know the rules off by heart, it's the first game ever taught to me. He knocks on the wooden floor with his cane one loud time and I know the countdown has just begun. Adrenalin rushes through my body and my legs start to move as fast as they can.
I run down the stairs and try the main door. I know it's hopeless, the lock is always pushed, but it's a reflex that I always have, a tiny hope that refuses to die. I continue my race through the kitchens and the principal rooms, I now can hear his footsteps behind me. I was always a silent kid, used to walk carefully to avoid being spotted and my footsteps are hardly audible. But somehow, he knows. His killing instinct is stronger than silence. I end in the hall going to the dungeons, I realize my mistake. When I was younger, this door would always be open and I would be able to hide for a few hours, but we're now in a war, and war means prisoners and locks.
I scrape my hands on the iron door, desperately trying to find a way to open it, it's my only chance, it's too late to come back, he's already there, at the corner. I hide behind an armour suit but my ragged breath betrays me, I can see "game over" flash in front of my eyes.
"Cruciatus."
I hold back my screams as I feel the curse dash through me. Small veins explode everywhere in my body, forming bruises. My cuts reopen, the army is losing the fight. Ginny is still here and I try to stay next to her, where my mind is relatively safe, but it's so difficult. I can't stay really connected, my thoughts are like water in my hands, running, and I can't hold them back.
Father lifts the curse, disappointed that I wasn't as noisy as he wanted, and crashes his foot in my stomach. His combat boots break my ribs, put my lungs on fire, I cough up black blood; I nearly pass out from the lack of air. Now I expect him to use his cane, but he doesn't. No, he sits on top of me and digs in my pockets. God, he retrieves my knife, what is he gonna do? He laughs and opens it, passing his hand on the edge to test its sharpness; it seems to convince him. He turns me on my stomach and lifts my shirt. I feel the cold blade on my back and I understand what his new move is. I begin to struggle, I know the blood loss can kill me. He adds pressure on me and the pain refrains me from moving. Burying my face in my trembling hands, I cry and beg him to stop, I'd gladly suffer another Cruciatus instead of this.
He runs the knife on my skin; I feel the searing gashes open under the sharp edge, the blood dripping on my sides. After seven or eight slashes, something stops him. He spins me around again and sits on my stomach. I see his eyes travel down my arms, taking in the number of cuts, the patterns and the words. The drawings haven't disappeared yet and he smirks when he sees them. He pins my right arm to the floor and his grey eyes bore into mine.
"Another martyr, victim of his weakness and worthlessness. Failure," he whispers.
The words engrave themselves in my mind as he slashes my wrist. Not the kind of cuts I would do as a self-injurer. Those are real suicide cuts, the ones that can bleed endlessly. I scream, sob and beg as he does the same thing to my other arm. He then drags me up to my room, laughing as my head hits every marble step. He throws me against a wall and leaves me here locked up.
I curl up on the floor and try to stop the blood. I squeeze the wounds on my wrists with all my strengths but it seems that I can't stop the flow. I soon find myself sitting in a puddle of my own blood. My back is sore, my wrists hurt like hell. I feel dizzy, tears are pouring down my face; I know I'm gonna die and nobody can save me. My last thought goes to Ginny as I black out. I finally understand what she means to me, how much I care for her. Because she's still here with me when anybody else would have left.
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*Molly's pov*
Never a Christmas Eve was that strange. Ron and Ginny have finished school only yesterday and arrived tonight. The twins already scold at their sister and Arthur ignores her completely. Ron's just weird. Seeing him bald is strange enough, but he says nothing. He only talks to Harry and sometimes to Hermione but that's all. No plotting against Draco with the rest of his brothers, nothing.
This year is a big family dinner. I hate those. I hate having my parents plus Arthur's here, my sister and her husband, their kids, Arthur's alcoholic brother. They're all so excited and happy and I'm driving myself crazy over the cooking. Severus is the only one who seems to have his head on his shoulders. He watches Ginny with worry but helps me nevertheless. I don't regret having invited him and I'm pleased that he accepted, though the negotiations were long and difficult. Ron's face was simply priceless when he saw him here.
We finally sit around the decorated table. The food is delicious, thanks to Severus who added a few ingredients of his, but tension dulls the happiness. My parents and Arthur's have already seen that Ginny is different. She used to be such a chatterbox, but tonight, she's silent. She picks at her food and has her eyes locked on her plate. Of course, my mom has to open her mouth...
"Ginny dear, what's wrong? You look awful, you seem to be very tired and silent. It's Christmas, darling. Peace in the world and happiness everywhere. Oh, or maybe you're in love... That's so sweet..."
"I bloody well hope not," retorts Ron in a disgusted voice. Ginny lifts her eyes and sends him a lightening bolt. He ignores it and goes on. "Granny's right though. You're spoiling the evening and if you want to be all dark and bitchy, I advise you to floo to Malfoy Manor," he spits.
Ginny drops her fork and it lands with a clattering sound on the hardly touched plate. She throws her towel on the table and gets up briskly. I try to calm things down a bit.
"Ginny, please sit down, I want you to stay."
"And I don't. I can't bear it any longer and I know what you all think of Draco, so shut up, I don't want to hear it anymore," she counters coolly. She spins around, her copper hair flying around her face and runs up the stairs. I hear her door slam so loudly that all the walls shake. I offer Ron a deep scowl and hear Severus sigh next to me. My mom is trying to understand what is going on and Arthur acts as if nothing was happening, I feel sick.
A few minutes are spent eating in silence when Ginny's scream echoes throughout the house. It's not a shriek of alarm or a surprised shout; no, it's a real scream of torture, of suffering. I knock everything over as I rush up the stairs, followed by a crowd. Ginny's door is locked and I have Charlie smash it. Ginny's rolling on her carpet, holding her head and screaming. She coughs up blood on the cream carpet, spasms shake her. Convulsions become stronger and I vaguely hear Severus mumble something about Cruciatus. It doesn't take me long to know what is happening and I kneel next to Ginny, cradling her in my arms.
"Angel, you have to close your mind bond with him, you have to. Do you know how to do it? Ginny, it's important!" My voice is more and more tainted with emergency; I can't bear the sight of my daughter being in such a state of pain. I'm about to repeat my words when she finally manage to speak.
"No, don't wanna to. Can't leave him... Can't. Needs me, love him."
"I know, but you have to. Professor Snape has just left to find him, he's going to bring him here soon, ok?"
She coughs up a bit more and shakes her head. Her hand grabs mine and squeezes it tightly, her eyes are shut. Then she shakes herself out of my hug and starts to crawl to her desk. I stay still on the carpet, waiting to see what she's doing. I look up briefly at the rest of the family, all next to the door, looking at her horrified and terrorised. Ginny reaches her desk and struggles to get up. Her trembling hands finally manage to open the top drawer and I see her take out some scissors. She collapses again, moaning in pain and crying, her head against the side of her bed, and looks at me sadly.
"Sorry Mom, got to take that pain out," she sobs. I see the metal shine softly and I understand. My daughter is going to hurt herself and I can't do anything, I know it's her only way out, I saw that kind of situations so often with Narcissa. And I cry with her as I prevent the rest of the family from running to her and making her stop. I see a lone tear roll on Ron's cheek, I go to him and hug him, praying that Severus gets to Draco soon enough to save him.
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And Fire'N'Ice is back! *twirl* WELCOME!
Wow. Really, wow. My stomach is so clenched, I'm surprised I'm breathing. Holy Shit. My Draco. My poor, poor Draco. I hate Lucius so much I want to throw up and kill him at the same time *shudder* An Ginny, ahhhhhhhhh. So much pain. Awesome job, I think I'mma have nightmares tonight, lol. You did the tension so well. Ah. This got me in the perfect mood. I'mma send this right away, to make sure Hotmail doesn't go screwy.
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And now, on the replies to the other reviews!!!!!!
Luna-is-my-name: last chapter wasn't amazing, I wrote it quickly and blah, I'm not very satisfied. But I hope you like this one, though... Why would you start to cut cuz you're in Wicca? I don't really see the link, but well, try to understand parents...*shakes head*
Fire'N'Ice: Of course nobody smites your twin... See how I handled it, huh? Tell me you're impressed and bow down, he he he. Lol, I see your line "your dad just called" and I know have a yearning to twirl! OMG, this reminds me I've to phone the embassy! ARGH, done and it's ringing in an empty office. I smite them. And this afternoon or tomorrow, I'm gonna drag my mom to have info about planes. *smirk* just to see her reaction.
Rachie: feel ashamed all you want, I admire people who catch up 24 chapters and still aren't stuffed enough to give me such a nice review. Glad, or sorry, that you relate but thanks for the compliment, I hope you'll continue to read and review!
Devilsfire: You've got a new name! *twirl* It's pretty and a lot more better! Suits you, Goldenhorse was great, but the imagery was a bit childish. this is perfect. Thanks, I already can't believe how many reviews I got! Thanks, the presentation went perfectly, and I'm now officially a master at procrastination since I prepared my part from a German article during the part of my friend... Such a rush.
Jhaylin: but Draco is a wonder, dear... Don't know how he managed either, but as he says in this chapter, he doesn't really mind since it's sort of purifying. Not that he's gonna thank the Slytherins anyway..... Bastards.
RogueBHS: Glad you got your muse back! I didn't take your review personally when you said about being a bit cold about the first chapters, I was glad cuz it's been a long time that I want to rework on them, but I'm gonna keep the text, just sharpen it a bit. Lol, yeah, your'e weird, I stick to D/G, but H/Hr... not for me.
Silvamagic: Thanks! *twirl* I love my story too, he he he *bighead mode* Mmh... who could have burnt all his things in the Slytherin quarters? Certainly not that coward of Creevey. Nuisance.
Drxd: Yeah... trying. I bow down in front of Ron for trying, but trying is not everything. *smirk*
Jewelkitten: thanks, I always hope I can keep him a bit in character. Hope you'll continue to enjoy.
Terin Kail: see how right you were to be scared for Draco? *evil grin* Whoa, thanks for the compliment, it means so much!
Dirt-is-Yummy: Happy Birthday... Very late, I know. Don't be that thankful, I only recommend fics that I really love and that have potential. I've read a bunch of stories about cutting, and they're all original in their feelings. I think cutting stories dwell a lot on that side and emotions coming for them are fairly different. It doesn't annoy me that people think cutting is unoriginal and such, but it annoys me when they judge without reading. For the Slytherins who burnt his things, they don't see him as human, so well, no feelings, nothing. Lol I do that too, laughing or crying alone in front of the computer... Don't bother, they all think we're weirdos. Eavesdropping can come in handy *smile*. Fuck, I KNOW you're not suicidal! You don't sound like you are. And about cutting, don't worry, one day, you'll have a good reason to stop, one day, you'll just know it's the time to quit and you'll do it.
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After all this... I've got only one thing to say... REVIEW! And have a nice week. (I'm on vacation, I'm on vacation!!!!!! *twirl*) *regains composture* sorry about that... *sheepish grin*
First of all, people write here not to get reviews, but because they love writing and it's an opportunity to share their work with people who can appreciate it. But as you're an anonymous reviewer, what do you know about that? Second of all, I don't deny that I'm a bad writer but I'm not seeking attention, I hate being in the light and there's nothing more comfy than shadows. Now, I can't say the same thing of you. You came back to see my reaction and even went to chapter 24 to see it, I think it's sick. Third of all, and probably most difficult thing to say, I certainly don't live off of cutting to get reviews. I bloody well know it's a serious issue, fuck, I know that. You want to know? This story is sometimes the only thing that doesn't make me cut again. You happy? I'm a FREAKING CUTTER. Is that what you wanted to hear? I'm trying to quit, and sometimes, writing Draco's cutting is the only way to avoid doing it to myself (though, thank God, I never got to his point). Don't review a story without even reading it and never judge people on the two lines of a summary. But thank you for being an ass, it's challenging to get reviews like yours, unconstructive as they can be. Cheers.
Mmmh... Now that this burst out is done, I want to thank all my other reviewers cuz this story really means a lot to me (and it's still an understatement) so yeah... Thanks, you're really the best.
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Chapter 25:
*Ginny's pov*
The last few days have been hell for Draco. Literally hell. And today is not going to improve things. When we boarded on the train this morning, I felt like my heart was going to explode with all this pain and worry. Now it's about lunch time but the knot in my stomach prevents me from even looking at my food, neatly packed in my bag. We're alone in this compartment, Draco and I. He's sitting on the other seat, facing me, he gazes outside in a careless way. I'm not sure he really sees the scenery unfolding in front of the train window. He's boiling inside; anger, pain and fear mix up and blend to form a midnight black ball inside his soul. And this ball grows and grows, draining his emotions, trying to make his shell shatter.
The same ball forms in my head, I can feel it, but the trouble is that my own problems come to add to its substance. When I closed the mind bond, Tom came back stronger and made sure Draco wouldn't push him away anymore. So I've got both of them in my head and it hurts like hell. I discreetly rub my temples in an attempt to soothe the ache but Draco nevertheless sees me.
"I'm sorry," he states in a soft voice. Then emptiness floods in my head, he's closed the bond. I swallow with difficulty as his presence frays and only makes things worse. Tom's nightmare occupies my entire mind, his voice echoes and his laughter makes me flinch. He wraps his cold fingers around my sanity and starts to squeeze, I feel possessed again, it makes me panic. I can't remember my old defence techniques against this aggression, I haven't needed them since I met Draco. My brain cells work frantically to find a solution but it's beyond my fingertips, I can't reach it.
I launch myself at Draco and cling to him. I beg him, I need him to open the bond again. My mind madly pushes against his wall in a vain attempt to break through it. And suddenly, Draco's tortured feelings are back, his night that is also my shelter. Tom is furious to be pushed in the background but Draco's stronger, he's alive and Tom is just a memory. I bury my face against Draco and progressively calm down, lulled by his steady heartbeat. I look up and meet his concerned grey eyes, I grin sadly.
"I shall inform you that you've just won a duel against Tom Jedusor," I stammer in a shaky voice.
"Why is he still here? How long has he been hurting you that way? How is it possible I never felt his presence before?" He's talking fast, worried and confused.
"He's been there for years and I was used to fight him, but you shunned him in the shadows the day our minds were linked. And he never had an opportunity to regain power till I stupidly closed the bond. Don't shut it again, please, I need you in my head," I whisper as I wrap my arms around his waist.
"And how on Earth do you think you're going to survive from this evening on? You have to find a solution without me because I don't know how long I'll still be here..."
At that, I break the hug and look at him fiercely. "How dare you say that?"
"Stop lying to yourself! You know very well that I might not come back, that he might kill me the same way as my mother! And I don't want you to be hurt, so GO AWAY, find someone else to help you, I can't," he spits in an irritated voice.
I never saw his anger directed at me and the feelings he stabs me with are stronger than all the words he can say. I get up and turn on my heel; I walk out and slam the door without looking back, making sure that he knows how cross I am. Deep down, I know that the worry and pressure the others constantly put on him explains why he felt the need to unleash this, but I feel hurt, and betrayed. Draco is someone unpredictable and the shock of him going from caring to pushing me away hits hard.
But still, his words haunt me. Do I lie to myself? Is he right? No, it's not possible, it's something I can't accept. My anger rises a bit more at his resignation. He has to fight, he has to live. He has to live.
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*Draco's pov*
I'm mad at myself for having showered Ginny with anger. I don't know why I lost my temper like this, it doesn't happen often. Anguish takes over me when I think that maybe she won't have time to find another solution to deal with Tom. And I feel sad, so bitter that she never told me about her memories hurting her like this. I piled up mine on her and she never let me know about all this going on in her head.
I hurt her. God, I freaking hurt her! She gives me the chance nobody ever offered to me and I just snap at her. Culpability nestles in my chest, I'm aware that I don't deserve her and that I'm fucking lucky.
I take out my knife, my only other friend, the one that I can't hurt. I stare at my last belonging with a sad smile. Ginny and I spent these past nights trying to save some of my stuff; the result was lame, if not inexistent. Somehow, I don't really mind having nothing left. It's like a new page is turned and things that were holding me back to the past, to old Draco, are finally destroyed. I only have this knife to remind me of it, to draw the demons of my childhood on myself.
I draw blood from my wrists without even thinking. I spill the crimson and trace patterns with the tip of the knife. I draw a house, people, a cloud. They're childish drawings but the ink is devoid of innocence, the canvas is scarred and irregular; I laugh bitterly at the irony held in these doodles. I pick at the scab covering HOME and make it bleed again. Then I snap out of my trance and realize how late it is. We're nearly in London, my heart sinks and my laughter dies. Ginny hasn't come back, I can feel that she's still mad at me; I feel empty.
When the train comes to a stop, I gather her things and take them as well as mine. I don't know what I'm going to tell her, what is going to happen. I spot her alone, looking for her bag. I stop in front of her and hand her the backpack without looking at her and she takes it without a word. It's like a wall of ice grew between us and its cold burns. I spot my father, waiting for me near the entrance, looking superior. A sadistic grin graces his features when he sees me and I head toward my torturer with a steady pace, too ashamed to say anything to Ginny.
"Hurry up, we've got a lot of things to discuss tonight, and especially your nasty little habit, you freak. You're a disgrace to our name," he grits through clenched teeth, gripping his cane tightly. I try to breathe but it's jerky and hardly under control. Fear courses through my veins as I look back at Ginny one last time. Her mother has her arm around her shoulder and she bites her lip when she meets my gaze. I can see tears prickling her eyes but it's not anger that I feel coming from her, she's scared. For me. The ice melts.
........
When we arrive at the manor, a smothering silence envelops us. Only father's heels clacking on the marble of the hall can be perceived. The house is deserted. The realization dawns on me: I'll never hear Mother's light steps again. What I had tried to deny is thrown in my face like a fist. Father gestures me to my room. Well, my room is not exactly mine since I generally spend my time locked up in a dungeon, but officially, I've got a room, got to keep up the appearances.
I shiver as we step in the impersonal and chilly place. My nearly empty trunk is pushed in a corner, but it's the only hint that this room is occupied. I feel so lifeless and shallow when I'm in this room. Father leans against the doorframe and starts to tap his cane lightly against his thick soles, I can't help but notice that he's put on his heaviest shoes on. And when I think it's gonna land in my stomach...
"So, Draco... Not only do you feel the need to humiliate our family by associating with scum, you also have to use such a weak way as mutilation to get attention? Want to be a martyr? I can offer you that, you know," he drawls in a sly tone.
I cower a bit, I really have no clue of his plans, of what he wants to do to me tonight. He suddenly leaves his careless attitude and I find myself in front of a wild animal. I know the game is Hide and Seek now, I know I have about ten seconds to leave and then, he'll hunt me down and beat me till he's satisfied. I know the rules off by heart, it's the first game ever taught to me. He knocks on the wooden floor with his cane one loud time and I know the countdown has just begun. Adrenalin rushes through my body and my legs start to move as fast as they can.
I run down the stairs and try the main door. I know it's hopeless, the lock is always pushed, but it's a reflex that I always have, a tiny hope that refuses to die. I continue my race through the kitchens and the principal rooms, I now can hear his footsteps behind me. I was always a silent kid, used to walk carefully to avoid being spotted and my footsteps are hardly audible. But somehow, he knows. His killing instinct is stronger than silence. I end in the hall going to the dungeons, I realize my mistake. When I was younger, this door would always be open and I would be able to hide for a few hours, but we're now in a war, and war means prisoners and locks.
I scrape my hands on the iron door, desperately trying to find a way to open it, it's my only chance, it's too late to come back, he's already there, at the corner. I hide behind an armour suit but my ragged breath betrays me, I can see "game over" flash in front of my eyes.
"Cruciatus."
I hold back my screams as I feel the curse dash through me. Small veins explode everywhere in my body, forming bruises. My cuts reopen, the army is losing the fight. Ginny is still here and I try to stay next to her, where my mind is relatively safe, but it's so difficult. I can't stay really connected, my thoughts are like water in my hands, running, and I can't hold them back.
Father lifts the curse, disappointed that I wasn't as noisy as he wanted, and crashes his foot in my stomach. His combat boots break my ribs, put my lungs on fire, I cough up black blood; I nearly pass out from the lack of air. Now I expect him to use his cane, but he doesn't. No, he sits on top of me and digs in my pockets. God, he retrieves my knife, what is he gonna do? He laughs and opens it, passing his hand on the edge to test its sharpness; it seems to convince him. He turns me on my stomach and lifts my shirt. I feel the cold blade on my back and I understand what his new move is. I begin to struggle, I know the blood loss can kill me. He adds pressure on me and the pain refrains me from moving. Burying my face in my trembling hands, I cry and beg him to stop, I'd gladly suffer another Cruciatus instead of this.
He runs the knife on my skin; I feel the searing gashes open under the sharp edge, the blood dripping on my sides. After seven or eight slashes, something stops him. He spins me around again and sits on my stomach. I see his eyes travel down my arms, taking in the number of cuts, the patterns and the words. The drawings haven't disappeared yet and he smirks when he sees them. He pins my right arm to the floor and his grey eyes bore into mine.
"Another martyr, victim of his weakness and worthlessness. Failure," he whispers.
The words engrave themselves in my mind as he slashes my wrist. Not the kind of cuts I would do as a self-injurer. Those are real suicide cuts, the ones that can bleed endlessly. I scream, sob and beg as he does the same thing to my other arm. He then drags me up to my room, laughing as my head hits every marble step. He throws me against a wall and leaves me here locked up.
I curl up on the floor and try to stop the blood. I squeeze the wounds on my wrists with all my strengths but it seems that I can't stop the flow. I soon find myself sitting in a puddle of my own blood. My back is sore, my wrists hurt like hell. I feel dizzy, tears are pouring down my face; I know I'm gonna die and nobody can save me. My last thought goes to Ginny as I black out. I finally understand what she means to me, how much I care for her. Because she's still here with me when anybody else would have left.
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*Molly's pov*
Never a Christmas Eve was that strange. Ron and Ginny have finished school only yesterday and arrived tonight. The twins already scold at their sister and Arthur ignores her completely. Ron's just weird. Seeing him bald is strange enough, but he says nothing. He only talks to Harry and sometimes to Hermione but that's all. No plotting against Draco with the rest of his brothers, nothing.
This year is a big family dinner. I hate those. I hate having my parents plus Arthur's here, my sister and her husband, their kids, Arthur's alcoholic brother. They're all so excited and happy and I'm driving myself crazy over the cooking. Severus is the only one who seems to have his head on his shoulders. He watches Ginny with worry but helps me nevertheless. I don't regret having invited him and I'm pleased that he accepted, though the negotiations were long and difficult. Ron's face was simply priceless when he saw him here.
We finally sit around the decorated table. The food is delicious, thanks to Severus who added a few ingredients of his, but tension dulls the happiness. My parents and Arthur's have already seen that Ginny is different. She used to be such a chatterbox, but tonight, she's silent. She picks at her food and has her eyes locked on her plate. Of course, my mom has to open her mouth...
"Ginny dear, what's wrong? You look awful, you seem to be very tired and silent. It's Christmas, darling. Peace in the world and happiness everywhere. Oh, or maybe you're in love... That's so sweet..."
"I bloody well hope not," retorts Ron in a disgusted voice. Ginny lifts her eyes and sends him a lightening bolt. He ignores it and goes on. "Granny's right though. You're spoiling the evening and if you want to be all dark and bitchy, I advise you to floo to Malfoy Manor," he spits.
Ginny drops her fork and it lands with a clattering sound on the hardly touched plate. She throws her towel on the table and gets up briskly. I try to calm things down a bit.
"Ginny, please sit down, I want you to stay."
"And I don't. I can't bear it any longer and I know what you all think of Draco, so shut up, I don't want to hear it anymore," she counters coolly. She spins around, her copper hair flying around her face and runs up the stairs. I hear her door slam so loudly that all the walls shake. I offer Ron a deep scowl and hear Severus sigh next to me. My mom is trying to understand what is going on and Arthur acts as if nothing was happening, I feel sick.
A few minutes are spent eating in silence when Ginny's scream echoes throughout the house. It's not a shriek of alarm or a surprised shout; no, it's a real scream of torture, of suffering. I knock everything over as I rush up the stairs, followed by a crowd. Ginny's door is locked and I have Charlie smash it. Ginny's rolling on her carpet, holding her head and screaming. She coughs up blood on the cream carpet, spasms shake her. Convulsions become stronger and I vaguely hear Severus mumble something about Cruciatus. It doesn't take me long to know what is happening and I kneel next to Ginny, cradling her in my arms.
"Angel, you have to close your mind bond with him, you have to. Do you know how to do it? Ginny, it's important!" My voice is more and more tainted with emergency; I can't bear the sight of my daughter being in such a state of pain. I'm about to repeat my words when she finally manage to speak.
"No, don't wanna to. Can't leave him... Can't. Needs me, love him."
"I know, but you have to. Professor Snape has just left to find him, he's going to bring him here soon, ok?"
She coughs up a bit more and shakes her head. Her hand grabs mine and squeezes it tightly, her eyes are shut. Then she shakes herself out of my hug and starts to crawl to her desk. I stay still on the carpet, waiting to see what she's doing. I look up briefly at the rest of the family, all next to the door, looking at her horrified and terrorised. Ginny reaches her desk and struggles to get up. Her trembling hands finally manage to open the top drawer and I see her take out some scissors. She collapses again, moaning in pain and crying, her head against the side of her bed, and looks at me sadly.
"Sorry Mom, got to take that pain out," she sobs. I see the metal shine softly and I understand. My daughter is going to hurt herself and I can't do anything, I know it's her only way out, I saw that kind of situations so often with Narcissa. And I cry with her as I prevent the rest of the family from running to her and making her stop. I see a lone tear roll on Ron's cheek, I go to him and hug him, praying that Severus gets to Draco soon enough to save him.
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And Fire'N'Ice is back! *twirl* WELCOME!
Wow. Really, wow. My stomach is so clenched, I'm surprised I'm breathing. Holy Shit. My Draco. My poor, poor Draco. I hate Lucius so much I want to throw up and kill him at the same time *shudder* An Ginny, ahhhhhhhhh. So much pain. Awesome job, I think I'mma have nightmares tonight, lol. You did the tension so well. Ah. This got me in the perfect mood. I'mma send this right away, to make sure Hotmail doesn't go screwy.
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And now, on the replies to the other reviews!!!!!!
Luna-is-my-name: last chapter wasn't amazing, I wrote it quickly and blah, I'm not very satisfied. But I hope you like this one, though... Why would you start to cut cuz you're in Wicca? I don't really see the link, but well, try to understand parents...*shakes head*
Fire'N'Ice: Of course nobody smites your twin... See how I handled it, huh? Tell me you're impressed and bow down, he he he. Lol, I see your line "your dad just called" and I know have a yearning to twirl! OMG, this reminds me I've to phone the embassy! ARGH, done and it's ringing in an empty office. I smite them. And this afternoon or tomorrow, I'm gonna drag my mom to have info about planes. *smirk* just to see her reaction.
Rachie: feel ashamed all you want, I admire people who catch up 24 chapters and still aren't stuffed enough to give me such a nice review. Glad, or sorry, that you relate but thanks for the compliment, I hope you'll continue to read and review!
Devilsfire: You've got a new name! *twirl* It's pretty and a lot more better! Suits you, Goldenhorse was great, but the imagery was a bit childish. this is perfect. Thanks, I already can't believe how many reviews I got! Thanks, the presentation went perfectly, and I'm now officially a master at procrastination since I prepared my part from a German article during the part of my friend... Such a rush.
Jhaylin: but Draco is a wonder, dear... Don't know how he managed either, but as he says in this chapter, he doesn't really mind since it's sort of purifying. Not that he's gonna thank the Slytherins anyway..... Bastards.
RogueBHS: Glad you got your muse back! I didn't take your review personally when you said about being a bit cold about the first chapters, I was glad cuz it's been a long time that I want to rework on them, but I'm gonna keep the text, just sharpen it a bit. Lol, yeah, your'e weird, I stick to D/G, but H/Hr... not for me.
Silvamagic: Thanks! *twirl* I love my story too, he he he *bighead mode* Mmh... who could have burnt all his things in the Slytherin quarters? Certainly not that coward of Creevey. Nuisance.
Drxd: Yeah... trying. I bow down in front of Ron for trying, but trying is not everything. *smirk*
Jewelkitten: thanks, I always hope I can keep him a bit in character. Hope you'll continue to enjoy.
Terin Kail: see how right you were to be scared for Draco? *evil grin* Whoa, thanks for the compliment, it means so much!
Dirt-is-Yummy: Happy Birthday... Very late, I know. Don't be that thankful, I only recommend fics that I really love and that have potential. I've read a bunch of stories about cutting, and they're all original in their feelings. I think cutting stories dwell a lot on that side and emotions coming for them are fairly different. It doesn't annoy me that people think cutting is unoriginal and such, but it annoys me when they judge without reading. For the Slytherins who burnt his things, they don't see him as human, so well, no feelings, nothing. Lol I do that too, laughing or crying alone in front of the computer... Don't bother, they all think we're weirdos. Eavesdropping can come in handy *smile*. Fuck, I KNOW you're not suicidal! You don't sound like you are. And about cutting, don't worry, one day, you'll have a good reason to stop, one day, you'll just know it's the time to quit and you'll do it.
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After all this... I've got only one thing to say... REVIEW! And have a nice week. (I'm on vacation, I'm on vacation!!!!!! *twirl*) *regains composture* sorry about that... *sheepish grin*