A/N you must be sick of my apologizes and all, but what can I say? I'm
screwing up and I know it, but I have too much going on at the same time.
Anyway, since I'm stubborn and won't admit that I have too much, I'mma
continue to write this, he he he...
Anyway... hasn't been beta-read, cuz one... I was too lazy to send it to
Fire'N'Ice and two... really wanted to post it. So deal with me, if you can.
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Struggle 27
*Draco's pov*
I can hardly believe I am alive. And safe. Kinda. My head aches and my eyesight is a bit blurry but I know I'm at the Weasleys. I slowly roll on my side to look around. I'm in their living room, on a mattress. I'm warm and numb, I assume I'm under so many pain killers spells that I wouldn't even feel if someone stabbed me now.
I stay quiet, hardly moving. Carefully tucked in the blanket. I don't wanna see what he's done to me. I don't wanna know the damage he's inflicted on me. Even my arms, I keep them under the sheets. I feel like if I see the slashes, I'll just tear them open again.
Part of me regrets that I'm alive. I'm safe now, but for how long? And how long can I go on the way I do? I rely on Ginny and break her everyday a bit more, I'm such a burden to everybody. Snape came for me, but he shouldn't have. He could have been caught, he could have died for his betrayal. I don't exactly think I'm worth his waste.
I hear people arguing in another room. I recognize the voices, they're Mr Weasley's and Ginny's. He thinks I'm suicidal, that I did it myself. And Ginny's yelling at him that I'm not. I wonder now. Am I? I really wanted to die last night, and there are so many other times when I wished I would bleed endlessly. I don't value my life, does that make me suicidal? I guess so.
Mrs Weasley enters the action and shouts at them to be less noisy. Her husband continues to rant about me, my attitude. The danger I am to Ginny. I cringe as I hear all that, but the final blow kills me. His words endlessly ring in my head in the silence that follows his statement.
"She cut herself because of him yesterday! How freaky is that? How can you allow that Molly!"
His howling tears me apart, I just stop breathing, in shock. I finally lift my right arm and take a look at the soaked bandages. Damn you Father, couldn't you plunge the blade deeper? Ginny. God, why? Why did it happen?
I sit up. Father was right. A failure, such a failure. I scan the room to find anything sharp. Scissors on an armchair, with a knitting work. I crawl there. Each move an effort to drag my body forward. But I won't give up, no, I won't. My hand closes on the metal.
I rip the gauze and assault the scab on both my wrists. I clench my teeth as the wounds sting and bleed again. Suicidal. Yes, I am, I rub the scissors deeper, deeper. I wanna reach the arteries, right now. Just die, stop being a disease.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
*Ginny's pov*
I assume myself and I'm quite proud of it. I stand against Dad and I speak clearly. I'm not mentally ill and what I did is not what I am. I want him to understand that. I think he does, but I hate how he talks about Draco. Like he's the cause of any problem of Earth.
I know he's awake now and I just wait for Dad to stop his rambling so I can go and see him. But Dad is becoming angrier any minute, he's yelling now. He insults Draco, he blames him for my failure. And he shouted that. My eyes travel to where Draco is, I pray he didn't hear. I want to tell him and explain things myself, I don't want him to know that way.
His comment made Mom shut up. I see hurt in her eyes, because he doesn't understand and he doesn't trust me, or her for that matter. But I don't have much time to think about that, I feel there's something wrong. I swiftly walk to Draco, worried.
I go to where he's supposed to be, near the fire, wrapped in a warm blanket. But he isn't. My heart races as I scan the room, it explodes when I spot him. I rush and kneel in front of him, shoving the scissor out of his hand. I hear Mom gasp behind me but even shocked, she has the common sense to take out her wand to patch his wrists up.
I hold them tightly but he struggles, he's crying, he tries to get them out of my grasp. But I don't let go and let Mom work out a few spells. The scab covers the wounds again and I let go of him.
"What were you trying to do?"
He doesn't look at me, his eyes are fixed on the blood in front of him. He's mute and I know my attempt to make him speak will be useless so I try to reach his mind. Deep down, I already know. But I refuse to process this idea, I can't accept that.
I know he didn't slit his wrists last night. There was so much panic, if he had wanted it, he wouldn't have been in that state. The state he is in now. But who would believe me, especially now that he really attempted it?
I let the scissors fall on the carpet and hide my arm behind my back as I see his eyes locked on the bandage. He knows. He overheard and he feels guilty. Oh my God, don't tell me he's done that because of me.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
*Molly's pov*
Draco attempted suicide this morning. Attempted suicide. I'm still shaking from what happened, I feel like crying endlessly. Ginny hasn't left him since then, but he refuses to speak. The silence is overwhelming, oppressing.
Of course, everybody knows. Everybody always knows everything in this house. Arthur is furious, but I know he hides the fact that he hates being helpless. Severus went for a walk and hasn't come back yet. He was so shaken, it was terrible to see him like that. The boys act normal, though quiet. Ron's hair is back but he's really down now since he sees how much of a bastard he's been.
The extended family left. My mother ranted over and over that I am irresponsible and should care about whom my kids see if I don't want to end with delinquents in the family. I told her to get out of my house, she didn't really appreciate that particular outburst.
I'm cooking dinner, vainly trying to get my mind off Draco. And his father. I don't understand how someone can harm their own kids that way. Ginny says Draco didn't cut up his wrists yesterday and I believe her... but then, it means Lucius did it. If Severus hears that, the guy is dead. Which wouldn't be a waste anyway.
And there's Ginny. Arthur blames me for having let her cut herself. But I saw that look in her eyes. I saw it so often in Narcissa's, after her father had had a go at her. I saw it so often in her tortured blue eyes. Ginny already has her share of pain, she couldn't possibly take someone else's on her shoulders without consequences. Hard consequences.
I hear the door slowly close behind me and spin around to see who it is. Severus is there, looking vacantly at the brick tile, soaked with rain. I take his arm and drag him to a chair, he looks distressing. I help him remove his cloak and sit next to him.
"How did it happen Molly? How did I see nothing at all? How did Lucius manage to break him that far? I want to kill Lucius, right now. Make him pay, for everything he did," he articultates slowly, with a strangled voice.
"It wouldn't change anything Severus. Thinking about the past is worth nothing, it just brings pain and remorse. Draco needs us and if we blame ourselves, we can't help him."
I feel like an hypocrite, saying words I don't believe in. But I know people expect this kind of words so I say them anyway. I feel like Severus, but I know his guilt is worse. He was there from the beginning, it must be horrible to discover the hidden face of things after such a long time.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
*Lucius' pov*
Draco has disappeared. Someone came for him. I know it, he wasn't in a state to run away without help. Little bastard. Always has to ruin everything, doesn't he? Brings me nothing but trouble, I hope he dies from his wounds. Would save me energy, and it's not like I can't find another toy somewhere. Plenty of muggles would do the trick. Not as interesting as my own son, but yet, would do the trick.
I smirk at the thought, but it disappears quickly as Voldemort calls my name. what am I going to tell him? I'm on for a punishment. Draco's fault... If I find him, he'll pay for that.
"So you failed again, Lucius. Can't even manage to keep your son under watch? This is pathetic, even that wretch of Arthur Weasley is better at it than you. So, what happened? And I want all the details," he drawls, twirling his wand between his fingers.
I feel my blood freeze at that. I can't lie to him. So I explain it all, my eyes fixed on his wand. It slows down as I unfold the previous evening. Then it stops and is pointed in my direction. I close my eyes as the Cruciatus finds its way through my body.
I'm on my knees when it stops, humiliated. He stands up and walks in m direction.
"If I recall correctly, slitting his wrists to kill him wasn't in the plan. But you always have to add a little twist of your own, right? You have three weeks to find him. And the girl too. I want both of them alive. You understand the difference between dead and alive?" he ends sarcastically.
I nod silently and stand up gingerly. I try to regain as much composure as I can to walk with decent pride out of the room. My hand closes harder on my cane. Alive doesn't mean I can't have a go at him. And why not at the little bitch too.
I see something move behind a statue. A ghost, a girl. Cold rushes through my body as my eyes meet her foggy white ones. But I dismiss her and walk quicker. I don't want to pay attention to her. She's probably one of the numerous girls I killed and she thinks she can harm me.
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golden essence: thanks for the compliment... well, don't worry, the bastards always pay in the end. Sorry for the kinda cliffie, but it was a revenge, for all the authors who constantly let me hang to cliffies, njark.
DrAcO-lUvEr2258 : I'm really really really sorry for not having updated earlier. I'm so happy you love me story! And thanks for the compliment. There's a lot better, but I'm quite proud of it, never thought I would be able to write anything at all.
FinalFantasyChick178: heya Anna. Told you you wouldn't want to waste your time with that. How was egg hunting with Kinsley? Lol
Telly: hello there, former Vaness. Kinda a surprise. Thanks for the insane review, lol. I'm glad you're back and still can enjoy this story! Yeah, Ron was really a lot biased, a real bastard. Getting better now.
Silentchill13: hope you stil enjoy, even if I'm really late on the update... anyway, thanks for the compliment, it means a lot.
Rubberduckie713: yeah, well, a gang of Hannah loose in the streets rather freaks me out... don't wanna have nightmares, thanks... Hannah duckie says hi and waves. The ??? reviewer explained the why of the review. I can understand, but there are other ways to find out if I was a cutter or someone using cutting to have fun. And my friends at school don't know. Don't think they'll ever know. Lol, hope you continue to enjoy.
Jhaylin: yup, it's saaaaad. Dramatic... it's called a angsty pathetic teenager writing a story cuz she has no life, lol.
M.J.: hey there... welcome. I'm sad it reminds you of yourself. I'm sad to see how many we are in this shit. Thanks, I hope my writing gets better anyway. Yeah, power to the twisted people. We're gonna rule the world.
Lifes A Bitch and so am I: well, he's alive... for now... and to hurt me, you'd have to know where I am, he he he... anyway... welcome, you crazy.
Damia – Queen of the Gypsis: well, hope you read your notes to self.
Viraten: nice theory you offer here, kinda cold but yeah... interesting and not totally wrong. Sorry, I know, last chapter wasn't really interesting, this one isn't either, deal with me.
Tainted-Eve: yeah. The hardest part, you can say it. And it's not finished... but at least, Ron is growing brains, lol.
RogueBHS: well, I'm not often online lately, or when I am, it's to end up crying so well... anyway, hope to talk to you soon, lol. Filch's dream is an interesting one. To say the least...
CrashCart9: yes, he can... and Ron is growing brains, so be happy, lol. Ooo... but wait... you reviewed my poetry didn't you? Your name reminds me of something. Thanks anyway, lol. English is not good but will get better, and I WILL write more, don't worry.
Leona Woodbridge: Whoa!!!! Finally someone who likes my pov changes!! Thanks thanks thanks! Lol. Hope you will continue to read.
Drxd: my dear, you'll have to wait to know. *cough* ok, I don't know myself... I may ask the readers once...
Dirt-Is-Yummy: ditto to your story my dear... Grrr... Chris beat me at checkers. *sob* Ron will be ok from now on. We still have Colin to entertain us. Yeah, Ginny hates them, and Draco too. Lucius has to die, you're right... but rowling never listens to us *sob* Hope to talk to you soon.
Devils_fire: thanks for compliment. Yeah, ??? explained the reason of the review. Reason that is stupid but whatever. I hope I manage to make you cry once, lol.
Sazzy7: lol, what a hyper review! Yeah, Lucius will have to pay... the moron, the bastard... grrrrrr... you have my support in your cruisade against him.
XxDrAcOs-XO-AnGeLxX143 : yup yup yup... you read it right... *sob* i nearly cry at such a thought... Poor little Draco. Lucius will have to pay... grrrrrrr
Luna-is-my-name : i know, kinda boring. I'm going through writer's block lately. I have to work out an interesting thing for once. I told my parents I cut about three weeks ago. They take it better cuz they know I've quit now. But it wasn't really out of free will that I told them... I dunno, I just knew I couldn't go on that way. Not to sound condescending or whatnot, but please, stop now when you're not addicted. It's really hell afterwards :(
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::: REVIEW!!!!!! I'll try to get over that stupid writer's block and produce something worth your time... I promise.
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Struggle 27
*Draco's pov*
I can hardly believe I am alive. And safe. Kinda. My head aches and my eyesight is a bit blurry but I know I'm at the Weasleys. I slowly roll on my side to look around. I'm in their living room, on a mattress. I'm warm and numb, I assume I'm under so many pain killers spells that I wouldn't even feel if someone stabbed me now.
I stay quiet, hardly moving. Carefully tucked in the blanket. I don't wanna see what he's done to me. I don't wanna know the damage he's inflicted on me. Even my arms, I keep them under the sheets. I feel like if I see the slashes, I'll just tear them open again.
Part of me regrets that I'm alive. I'm safe now, but for how long? And how long can I go on the way I do? I rely on Ginny and break her everyday a bit more, I'm such a burden to everybody. Snape came for me, but he shouldn't have. He could have been caught, he could have died for his betrayal. I don't exactly think I'm worth his waste.
I hear people arguing in another room. I recognize the voices, they're Mr Weasley's and Ginny's. He thinks I'm suicidal, that I did it myself. And Ginny's yelling at him that I'm not. I wonder now. Am I? I really wanted to die last night, and there are so many other times when I wished I would bleed endlessly. I don't value my life, does that make me suicidal? I guess so.
Mrs Weasley enters the action and shouts at them to be less noisy. Her husband continues to rant about me, my attitude. The danger I am to Ginny. I cringe as I hear all that, but the final blow kills me. His words endlessly ring in my head in the silence that follows his statement.
"She cut herself because of him yesterday! How freaky is that? How can you allow that Molly!"
His howling tears me apart, I just stop breathing, in shock. I finally lift my right arm and take a look at the soaked bandages. Damn you Father, couldn't you plunge the blade deeper? Ginny. God, why? Why did it happen?
I sit up. Father was right. A failure, such a failure. I scan the room to find anything sharp. Scissors on an armchair, with a knitting work. I crawl there. Each move an effort to drag my body forward. But I won't give up, no, I won't. My hand closes on the metal.
I rip the gauze and assault the scab on both my wrists. I clench my teeth as the wounds sting and bleed again. Suicidal. Yes, I am, I rub the scissors deeper, deeper. I wanna reach the arteries, right now. Just die, stop being a disease.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
*Ginny's pov*
I assume myself and I'm quite proud of it. I stand against Dad and I speak clearly. I'm not mentally ill and what I did is not what I am. I want him to understand that. I think he does, but I hate how he talks about Draco. Like he's the cause of any problem of Earth.
I know he's awake now and I just wait for Dad to stop his rambling so I can go and see him. But Dad is becoming angrier any minute, he's yelling now. He insults Draco, he blames him for my failure. And he shouted that. My eyes travel to where Draco is, I pray he didn't hear. I want to tell him and explain things myself, I don't want him to know that way.
His comment made Mom shut up. I see hurt in her eyes, because he doesn't understand and he doesn't trust me, or her for that matter. But I don't have much time to think about that, I feel there's something wrong. I swiftly walk to Draco, worried.
I go to where he's supposed to be, near the fire, wrapped in a warm blanket. But he isn't. My heart races as I scan the room, it explodes when I spot him. I rush and kneel in front of him, shoving the scissor out of his hand. I hear Mom gasp behind me but even shocked, she has the common sense to take out her wand to patch his wrists up.
I hold them tightly but he struggles, he's crying, he tries to get them out of my grasp. But I don't let go and let Mom work out a few spells. The scab covers the wounds again and I let go of him.
"What were you trying to do?"
He doesn't look at me, his eyes are fixed on the blood in front of him. He's mute and I know my attempt to make him speak will be useless so I try to reach his mind. Deep down, I already know. But I refuse to process this idea, I can't accept that.
I know he didn't slit his wrists last night. There was so much panic, if he had wanted it, he wouldn't have been in that state. The state he is in now. But who would believe me, especially now that he really attempted it?
I let the scissors fall on the carpet and hide my arm behind my back as I see his eyes locked on the bandage. He knows. He overheard and he feels guilty. Oh my God, don't tell me he's done that because of me.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
*Molly's pov*
Draco attempted suicide this morning. Attempted suicide. I'm still shaking from what happened, I feel like crying endlessly. Ginny hasn't left him since then, but he refuses to speak. The silence is overwhelming, oppressing.
Of course, everybody knows. Everybody always knows everything in this house. Arthur is furious, but I know he hides the fact that he hates being helpless. Severus went for a walk and hasn't come back yet. He was so shaken, it was terrible to see him like that. The boys act normal, though quiet. Ron's hair is back but he's really down now since he sees how much of a bastard he's been.
The extended family left. My mother ranted over and over that I am irresponsible and should care about whom my kids see if I don't want to end with delinquents in the family. I told her to get out of my house, she didn't really appreciate that particular outburst.
I'm cooking dinner, vainly trying to get my mind off Draco. And his father. I don't understand how someone can harm their own kids that way. Ginny says Draco didn't cut up his wrists yesterday and I believe her... but then, it means Lucius did it. If Severus hears that, the guy is dead. Which wouldn't be a waste anyway.
And there's Ginny. Arthur blames me for having let her cut herself. But I saw that look in her eyes. I saw it so often in Narcissa's, after her father had had a go at her. I saw it so often in her tortured blue eyes. Ginny already has her share of pain, she couldn't possibly take someone else's on her shoulders without consequences. Hard consequences.
I hear the door slowly close behind me and spin around to see who it is. Severus is there, looking vacantly at the brick tile, soaked with rain. I take his arm and drag him to a chair, he looks distressing. I help him remove his cloak and sit next to him.
"How did it happen Molly? How did I see nothing at all? How did Lucius manage to break him that far? I want to kill Lucius, right now. Make him pay, for everything he did," he articultates slowly, with a strangled voice.
"It wouldn't change anything Severus. Thinking about the past is worth nothing, it just brings pain and remorse. Draco needs us and if we blame ourselves, we can't help him."
I feel like an hypocrite, saying words I don't believe in. But I know people expect this kind of words so I say them anyway. I feel like Severus, but I know his guilt is worse. He was there from the beginning, it must be horrible to discover the hidden face of things after such a long time.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
*Lucius' pov*
Draco has disappeared. Someone came for him. I know it, he wasn't in a state to run away without help. Little bastard. Always has to ruin everything, doesn't he? Brings me nothing but trouble, I hope he dies from his wounds. Would save me energy, and it's not like I can't find another toy somewhere. Plenty of muggles would do the trick. Not as interesting as my own son, but yet, would do the trick.
I smirk at the thought, but it disappears quickly as Voldemort calls my name. what am I going to tell him? I'm on for a punishment. Draco's fault... If I find him, he'll pay for that.
"So you failed again, Lucius. Can't even manage to keep your son under watch? This is pathetic, even that wretch of Arthur Weasley is better at it than you. So, what happened? And I want all the details," he drawls, twirling his wand between his fingers.
I feel my blood freeze at that. I can't lie to him. So I explain it all, my eyes fixed on his wand. It slows down as I unfold the previous evening. Then it stops and is pointed in my direction. I close my eyes as the Cruciatus finds its way through my body.
I'm on my knees when it stops, humiliated. He stands up and walks in m direction.
"If I recall correctly, slitting his wrists to kill him wasn't in the plan. But you always have to add a little twist of your own, right? You have three weeks to find him. And the girl too. I want both of them alive. You understand the difference between dead and alive?" he ends sarcastically.
I nod silently and stand up gingerly. I try to regain as much composure as I can to walk with decent pride out of the room. My hand closes harder on my cane. Alive doesn't mean I can't have a go at him. And why not at the little bitch too.
I see something move behind a statue. A ghost, a girl. Cold rushes through my body as my eyes meet her foggy white ones. But I dismiss her and walk quicker. I don't want to pay attention to her. She's probably one of the numerous girls I killed and she thinks she can harm me.
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golden essence: thanks for the compliment... well, don't worry, the bastards always pay in the end. Sorry for the kinda cliffie, but it was a revenge, for all the authors who constantly let me hang to cliffies, njark.
DrAcO-lUvEr2258 : I'm really really really sorry for not having updated earlier. I'm so happy you love me story! And thanks for the compliment. There's a lot better, but I'm quite proud of it, never thought I would be able to write anything at all.
FinalFantasyChick178: heya Anna. Told you you wouldn't want to waste your time with that. How was egg hunting with Kinsley? Lol
Telly: hello there, former Vaness. Kinda a surprise. Thanks for the insane review, lol. I'm glad you're back and still can enjoy this story! Yeah, Ron was really a lot biased, a real bastard. Getting better now.
Silentchill13: hope you stil enjoy, even if I'm really late on the update... anyway, thanks for the compliment, it means a lot.
Rubberduckie713: yeah, well, a gang of Hannah loose in the streets rather freaks me out... don't wanna have nightmares, thanks... Hannah duckie says hi and waves. The ??? reviewer explained the why of the review. I can understand, but there are other ways to find out if I was a cutter or someone using cutting to have fun. And my friends at school don't know. Don't think they'll ever know. Lol, hope you continue to enjoy.
Jhaylin: yup, it's saaaaad. Dramatic... it's called a angsty pathetic teenager writing a story cuz she has no life, lol.
M.J.: hey there... welcome. I'm sad it reminds you of yourself. I'm sad to see how many we are in this shit. Thanks, I hope my writing gets better anyway. Yeah, power to the twisted people. We're gonna rule the world.
Lifes A Bitch and so am I: well, he's alive... for now... and to hurt me, you'd have to know where I am, he he he... anyway... welcome, you crazy.
Damia – Queen of the Gypsis: well, hope you read your notes to self.
Viraten: nice theory you offer here, kinda cold but yeah... interesting and not totally wrong. Sorry, I know, last chapter wasn't really interesting, this one isn't either, deal with me.
Tainted-Eve: yeah. The hardest part, you can say it. And it's not finished... but at least, Ron is growing brains, lol.
RogueBHS: well, I'm not often online lately, or when I am, it's to end up crying so well... anyway, hope to talk to you soon, lol. Filch's dream is an interesting one. To say the least...
CrashCart9: yes, he can... and Ron is growing brains, so be happy, lol. Ooo... but wait... you reviewed my poetry didn't you? Your name reminds me of something. Thanks anyway, lol. English is not good but will get better, and I WILL write more, don't worry.
Leona Woodbridge: Whoa!!!! Finally someone who likes my pov changes!! Thanks thanks thanks! Lol. Hope you will continue to read.
Drxd: my dear, you'll have to wait to know. *cough* ok, I don't know myself... I may ask the readers once...
Dirt-Is-Yummy: ditto to your story my dear... Grrr... Chris beat me at checkers. *sob* Ron will be ok from now on. We still have Colin to entertain us. Yeah, Ginny hates them, and Draco too. Lucius has to die, you're right... but rowling never listens to us *sob* Hope to talk to you soon.
Devils_fire: thanks for compliment. Yeah, ??? explained the reason of the review. Reason that is stupid but whatever. I hope I manage to make you cry once, lol.
Sazzy7: lol, what a hyper review! Yeah, Lucius will have to pay... the moron, the bastard... grrrrrr... you have my support in your cruisade against him.
XxDrAcOs-XO-AnGeLxX143 : yup yup yup... you read it right... *sob* i nearly cry at such a thought... Poor little Draco. Lucius will have to pay... grrrrrrr
Luna-is-my-name : i know, kinda boring. I'm going through writer's block lately. I have to work out an interesting thing for once. I told my parents I cut about three weeks ago. They take it better cuz they know I've quit now. But it wasn't really out of free will that I told them... I dunno, I just knew I couldn't go on that way. Not to sound condescending or whatnot, but please, stop now when you're not addicted. It's really hell afterwards :(
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::: REVIEW!!!!!! I'll try to get over that stupid writer's block and produce something worth your time... I promise.