YOU MUST KNOW that Tony's thoughts [are in italic square brackets]. And Loki's {are in italic curly brackets}. Anyone else's 'are in italic single quotations'. Carry on.

PS: This story is an extremely slow burn. Don't expect them to jump into bed any time soon.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but what you haven't seen happen in the movies.

[Boy has it been a funny couple of months…Where do I even start?

How about the time I found out aliens were becoming a trend? Oh and Norse Gods.

Yeah. That sounds about right.

I – don't even get me started on – you know what? I don't even know what to say. I mean, what can you say in situations like this? It isn't exactly textbook.

Okay, so let's skip the 'how-the-fuck' part, and just skim through what happened.

I joined a boy band.

Yeah. Not your typical, though – and there is a girl, so it doesn't really qualify as a boy-band.

Let's do a headcount here. There's yours truly: genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist – I don't care how old that's getting. Doesn't stop being true.

There's Nat, super sexy-super scary combo. There's her joined-at-the-hip partner, Clint. Lord of the Rings' Legolas IRL, just not as pretty.

There's Thor. Yes, mythological God of Thunder and all that shenanigans. I'm jealous of the hair, honestly. He could really make something out of a shampoo commercial.

There's my personal favorite: Brucey. You'd know him better as the 'incredible' Hulk, and by incredible, I mean 'holy mother of god, what is that thing?!'

And finally, there's the Cap, dear-old dad's wish-be son. Don't even get me started.

So you know how there's the good guys and the bad guys? We sorta qualify as the 'good' guys in this scenario, although – honestly – we look more like a bunch of kids in Halloween costumes.

Except me. I look awesome. Always.

Anyways, then there's the bad guy. Thor's the good brother; he's the bad brother, black sheep of the family – except, he happens to take on the role of a certain Wizard from Oz, with Voldemort tendencies. Totally batshit crazy, power-hungry emo – That sorta guy.

Loki.

According to Norse mythology, he's supposed to be Thor's uncle. He's not, so I'm inclined to believe that most of the stuff I read about him was horseshit, some of which I hope actually is, because damn! That. Is messed up.

So, Reindeer Games here comes down to my planet. Starts a war in my city, breaks into my house, AND throws me out of my own goddamn WINDOW!

So excuse me, Thor, if I'm not buying the whole 'oh, but he wasn't himself' cover story.

I mean, yes, maybe he seemed a little off his rocker, but considering his reputation, isn't that the norm?

According to Thor, it isn't. But then again, according to Thor, Loki – adopted or not – is just his kid brother, who enjoys the occasional display of tricks up his sleeves.

…Yeah, what happened in Manhattan wasn't a parlor trick.

So, he comes down here, months later, tells us that 'no,' he was sure something was wrong with Loki.

…Like. You don't say.

*sigh* It's hard not to listen when he's giving you puppy dog eyes. Ugh.

So, apparently, before he decided to engage in onset war, Loki was actually supposed to be dead. That's what you're inclined to think when he's been missing for over a year.

So where was he? Where'd he get an army? How did he end up leading one? Why Earth?!

Those were the same questions Thor'd seemingly been asking him, not that he was getting much in return save some manic laughter.

Speaking of, Thor mentioned something about thinking Loki had been manipulated into the war. That's ironic.

He did say something about Loki laughing off Asgardian Justice, which was "not to be slighted. It is a monstrous form of art," that was apparently – and according to Loki himself – nothing compared to what he'd been through.

That was all Thor had. Loki didn't give him any more information. Nothing about exactly what he went through. Nothing about where he was kept – cause he was obviously taken prisoner. And nothing whatsoever about who was responsible.

You can imagine how much that freaked everyone out. If any of it was true, anyways.

I mean. Breaking down a god – Loki or not. Whoever could pull that shit off…didn't sound like someone I'd shake hands with.

So anyways, I tell Thor to get Loki a therapist. He pulls that 'a what now?' face he ever-so-often does, and I have to explain. "That is an excellent idea!" and he's off.

…If he didn't know what a therapist was, I doubt he can find one on Asgard.

Can't believe I just said Asgard. In my head, it looks like candy land.

Maybe it is.

But we're getting off point.

Somebody tell me who the fuck told Thor it was a good idea to bring his crazy-ass brother

back

down

here!]