Author's Note: Please remember that this is an A/U story, which means that I'm taking the liberty to change (or even omit) canon events as I see fit.

"NO!"

A high-pitched scream pierced the night. Chakotay sat bolt upright in bed and grabbed for the phaser on his bedside table. But it wasn't there. There was another scream quite close to him, not as loud but much more anguished this time. Shaking off the last cobwebs of sleep, he recognized his surroundings in the dim light filtering through the curtains. He was in his new home, on Earth. He no longer slept with a weapon handy; in fact, his personal hand phaser was tucked away at the very back of his sock drawer. And he wasn't alone.

"Computer, raise lights to five percent." The barest of illumination came on and he turned to Kathryn, now able to make out her features in the darkness. Her face was contorted in pain, and she was shaking violently. Her mouth opened as if for another scream, but a strangled sob came out instead. Chakotay reached out and lightly shook her shoulder. "Kathryn? Kathryn, wake up."

She twisted away from him, her hands coming up in a defensive posture, and when he grasped her wrists, she fought back with surprising strength, clawing at his arms to break free. "Alex... Alex, no! Nooooo..." When he finally managed to immobilize her arms, her cries turned into a drawn out moan as her resistance faltered.

Chakotay firmly wrapped one arm around her, trapping her hands between their bodies. With his free hand, he stroked her brow and spoke to her again, trying to wake her from what was undoubtedly a very bad nightmare. When her eyes finally fluttered open, they were clouded with confusion and pain. Again, she struggled against his hold and this time he released her, giving her space while she took in her surroundings and slowly came back to reality. There was another sob and she pressed a hand to her mouth to stifle it, turning away from him. After a moment of hesitation, Chakotay wrapped his body around hers from behind and just held her, offering comfort while she cried. He still didn't know what had caused all this, but it was clear that he wouldn't get any answers while she was still so distraught.

After several minutes, Kathryn's sobs grew quieter, and Chakotay gently nudged her. She turned in response, burying her face against his chest. He stroked her back and gradually felt the trembling of her body subside until, with a deep, shuddering intake of breath, she lifted her head and whispered, "I'm sorry."

He kissed her forehead. "What for?"

"For disturbing you. For... losing control like that."

"It's okay." He continued the slow strokes down her back. "Do you have nightmares often?" He hadn't noticed anything of the sort on Kelvaris, and she had also slept peacefully the night before, despite her troubled afternoon nap.

"No." She swallowed hard. "Not until recently."

He waited for her to elaborate, but she did not. Trying to keep any hint of jealousy out of his voice, he asked, "Who's Alex?"

A fresh wave of tears leaked from Kathryn's eyes, and Chakotay gently wiped them away with a corner of the blanket.

"Alex Gelnikov. A fellow crew member on the Al-Batani."

"Are you close to him?" The question dropped from his lips before he could stop it.

Kathryn looked up, and the small smile breaking through her tears told him that she had guessed his thoughts. "Not in any personal way. He's... He was my deputy."

"Assistant Chief Science Officer?"

She nodded.

Chakotay exhaled slowly, cursing himself for jumping to conclusions. "What happened to him?"

Kathryn's smile faltered and her breathing became ragged once more. In a voice choked with more tears, she whispered, "He was killed."

He drew her closer into him arms and felt her hot tears spill on his chest. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

It took a while before she could reply, hiccupping as she struggled for words. "Maybe... maybe I should. I was surprised that... you didn't ask sooner, anyway."

"About what?"

"About what happened... during my long away mission. I know you tried to reach me at least twice."

"I was asking you when we were at the beach," he gently reminded her. "But when you sidestepped my question, I figured that maybe it was classified. I didn't want to pry."

She was silent, snuggling deeper into his embrace. The flow of tears had stopped, but her breaths were still interrupted by the occasional hiccup.

Chakotay settled back into the pillows, keeping one of his arms around her while his free hand came up to brush the hair away from her damp face. "If you want to talk, I'm here."

He felt her shudder and press closer against him, taking another deep breath. Then, in a voice so soft that he had to strain to hear her, she began to talk, haltingly at first but more and more fluently as she went on.

"I told you that I'd run some training missions on the holodeck, to see how I'd do if I decided to switch from science to command." He nodded silently. "I used the scenarios that are aimed at fourth year cadets, and scored a high passing grade in every one. But it wasn't just that. I've always loved science, figuring out nature's mysteries and helping to improve technology. When I was fifteen, my bedtime reading was quantum mechanics."

Chakotay chuckled as he tried to picture a teenage Kathryn Janeway burying her nose in a physics book.

"But while standing on that holographic bridge, I felt like that was the place where I could really make a difference. I felt... powerful. Ready to take on the universe. And I finally understood what my father had been saying about the vessels he commanded being an extension of himself. It was only a training scenario, but I already felt myself bonding with the ship. As Chief Science Officer, I've spent my fair share of hours on the bridge, but this was different. And once I got out of the holodeck and went back to the science lab, I suddenly felt so... constricted. So limited in what I could hope to achieve. I knew then that I'd found my true calling after all."

Chakotay nodded, remembering the feeling well from his own training. To be standing on the bridge of a starship, to command its course and to have the people around him carry out his orders in the name of exploration of the unknown and protection of the innocent had also given him a sense of belonging and purpose, the likes of which he'd never felt while he was still on Dorvan.

"So I went to Captain Paris and told him I had decided to switch tracks. All he said was, 'I knew you'd come around eventually'. And that was it. The next day, I handed over the Science Department to Alex, replicated a new, red uniform and reported to the bridge. I expected to be sent straight to the holodeck for more training, but Captain Paris had a far more hands-on approach in mind." She paused for breath, now that her story was gaining momentum, and then continued. "Our First Officer had just been reassigned and her replacement wasn't due to arrive for another week, so he made me take her chair. For the next five days, I got a crash course in what it really means to command a starship, including a skirmish with some Ferengi smugglers and settling a dispute over mining rights on an asteroid."

"That must've been tough," Chakotay commented.

"Are you kidding?" Kathryn lifted her head to look at him, eyes shining brightly in the dim light. "I loved every second of it! At first I was worried that some of my fellow officers might see me as usurping the XO position, but instead everyone was really supportive. Then came my first away mission."

She drew a shaky breath, and Chakotay was struck by how the fire in her eyes suddenly died. Even her voice sounded dull and expressionless when she continued. "I've been on away missions before of course, dozens of them. But this was the first time that I was in charge of the whole operation. I formulated the mission objective, picked the team, the time, and the beam-down coordinates. Captain Paris approved each of my decisions and then wished me luck just before I headed to the transporter room."

"What was your objective?" Chakotay interrupted, sensing that Kathryn was slowly approaching the crucial part of her narrative.

"A planetary survey. Very straightforward. All the orbital scans had been completed and analyzed by the Brixton two months before, and we were the follow-up team. The Federation Council is very keen to establish a military outpost on an uninhabited planet near the Cardassian-Federation border, and we were supposed to scout three prospective building sites for the planned base."

She paused again and swallowed audibly, obviously having to force herself to continue. "At first, everything went as planned. We were a team of five − Alex Gelnikov and Bethany Tabbit from the science staff for the geological and botanical micro survey, Gresh Dazar, our tactical analyst, for suitability assessments, Taveki from security, and myself. We quickly ruled out the first site because recent volcanic activity had destabilized the rock formations in that area and already caused a number of small landslides. Our survey of the second site took longer but also yielded far more promising results. In fact, the conditions there were ideal for a planetary base with crew habitat and a small spaceport, including options of concealing some of the installations underground. When we repacked our gear, we were in high spirits. Only one site to go, and it seemed impossible that that third option would come even close in suitability, so we expected to be done soon. I signaled the Al-Batani, and they beamed us to our third and last destination.

"We materialized at the base of a high cliff. There was a cave entrance in the rock face which hadn't shown up on the initial survey, so naturally we decided to examine it. Due to some refractive elements in the rocks, our tricorders couldn't penetrate for more than a few meters, so I wanted to call for backup just to be on the safe side, but Gresh and Alex talked me out of it. I'd barely made the decision when they were already entering the cave."

Kathryn swallowed again. Chakotay felt her starting to tremble and hugged her tighter to his chest. "What happened?" he asked.

"We were ambushed," she whispered. "At the time, I didn't even know by whom, it all happened so fast. The cave turned out to be a series of chambers, each one larger than a shuttle bay. Tricorder readings continued to be erratic, and I told myself that we'd head back in another couple of minutes. We had just entered the third chamber when suddenly there was weapons' fire everywhere. We dove for cover, but we weren't fast enough. Gresh got hit and fell. Bethany managed to pull him from the line of fire, but then she got hit as well. I told everyone to keep their heads down and tried to signal the ship, but there was no reply. Alex scrambled to reach Bethany, shouting for the rest of us to cover him. I tried to hold him back −" Her voice broke on a heaving sob and she turned her face into Chakotay's shoulder. He kept stroking her back and whispering soothing words, but it took several minutes before she was able to continue.

"A blast caught him in the face. I'll never forget it. His face was just... gone."

"And the rest of your team?" Chakotay asked.

"We were severely outnumbered, and they were coming at us from different directions. Only moments after Alex went down, I took a hit as well. I remember thinking, just before I passed out, that death wasn't quite as painful as I'd imagined."

Under different circumstances, this would have elicited a chuckle from Chakotay. Now, however, he kept quite still, wondering what other horrors Kathryn had had to endure.

"I learned later that Bethany lived just long enough to report what had happened. When we failed to check in, Captain Paris sent a search party to our last known coordinates. They found her and Alex, but there was no trace of the rest of us.

"When I woke up, I was actually surprised to be alive. I was alone in a cold cell, with no idea about whether the rest of my team had survived or who my captors were. But I found out soon enough."

"Who were they?" Chakotay forced himself to ask, his throat tight at the mere idea of Kathryn in captivity. His only consolation was that she was in his arms now, safe and sound.

"Cardassians," she replied, her voice as expressionless as before. "A scouting party, probably with the same objective as ours, only they'd got there first and thus were able to ambush us. Their ship had been hidden on the other side of the planet, away from the Al-Batani. By the time Bethany and Alex had been brought back aboard, the Cardassian vessel had already taken off. Captain Paris ordered a direct pursuit, but it took a while to locate their trail and follow it back to their base in a neighboring system. I still don't know how exactly the captain managed to free us. He wouldn't tell me any details, and I was in no position to remember."

Again, Chakotay felt his throat constrict. It wasn't just the emotionless way in which Kathryn was telling this part of her story which got to him; it was what she was not telling. The Cardassians were well-known for gleefully abusing their prisoners, and barely anyone had ever made it out of their hands alive. "How long until you were rescued?" he found himself asking almost against his will.

"Ten days," Kathryn replied, her eyes once again flicking up to his. Unexpectedly, her voice hardened. "I won't lie to you. It was brutal. Sleep-deprivation, moldy food – if there was any at all – and constant beatings among other... procedures... They kept torturing me for information I didn't have, so even if I had wanted to, I wouldn't have been able to tell them anything. By the time we were rescued, I just wanted to die." She paused for a moment. "When I woke up in Sickbay, the doctor told me that I'd actually tried to fend off my rescuers, because I'd thought they were Cardassians coming to interrogate me again. I still don't remember any of that."

Tears were gathering in Chakotay's eyes and he rapidly blinked them away. "I'm so sorry," he whispered, hugging her tightly. Somehow his distress seemed to give Kathryn new strength.

"I spent three days in Sickbay," she went on. "Gresh and Taveki were both released after one. They'd been tortured as well, but not as extensively. Then Captain Paris called me to his ready room. I thought he would berate me for my decision to explore the caves without backup, maybe even demote me and send me straight back to science. Instead, I received a commendation for valor under duress and a promotion, as well as some sage advice about how Bethany's and Alex' deaths were not my fault." A harsh laugh escaped her. "As if that third pip could bring them back to life! I tried to refuse it, but he pressed it into my hand and told me to go take my leave and seek some counseling while I was away, to work through what had happened." She closed her eyes, her energies spent. "So I left. And now I'm here."

"Now you're here," Chakotay echoed, his thoughts still in turmoil over everything she'd told him in the past hour. A lot of things made sense now − her weight loss and general exhaustion, as well as her mood swings and the nightmare. "Did you see a counselor yet?" About three years previously, Starfleet had begun to assign counselors to the larger ships of the fleet, particularly those on extended deep-space missions. However, many Starfleet crews still had to go without the benefits of a trained psychologist. Kathryn's next words confirmed his suspicions.

"No. There were none on the Al-Batani or the transports I took to get here. And anyway, I just wanted to get away from it all. I kept thinking of you." She looked up again, more animated than before but also visibly exhausted. "I'm sorry I didn't call you, but to be honest I just didn't feel up to the challenge. I was sure I'd lose what little composure I had if faced with you across a comm line. But all through the trip, it was the thought of being with you again which kept me going. If I could just get here, somehow everything would be alright..." She trailed off on a yawn.

Chakotay kissed the top of her head and smoothed one hand over her hair, settling her comfortably against his shoulder. "Sleep now," he said, hoping that the rest of the night would pass without any more nightmares. "We'll talk more tomorrow."

He felt her nod slightly before she relaxed against him, one arm tightly wrapped around his waist. Soon her breathing deepened and slowed. Yet sleep was not coming so easily for Chakotay. He lay awake for a long time, thinking about what Kathryn had told him and what grisly details she might still have left out.

In addition, his thoughts also turned to his family. Dorvan V was a border colony, located quite close to Cardassian territory. There had always been some dispute about where exactly the border ran, but since up until now the Cardassian Union's desire for expansion had mostly been fulfilled elsewhere, no one in his tribe had placed much importance on exact specifications. They considered themselves Federation citizens, and the Federation considered the planet part of its territory. But if Kathryn's assumption was correct and the Union was suddenly looking for new targets, it probably wouldn't take long for them to set their sights on the Dorvan system.

Kathryn sighed in her sleep, interrupting his bleak musings. Chakotay hugged her tightly, pressing another kiss to her hair. She didn't wake, and so he pushed his troubled thoughts aside and listened to her breathing until the comforting sound finally managed to lull him to sleep as well.

-==/\==-

They both woke very late the next morning, sleepily shifting positions several times and continuing to doze in the comfort of each other's arms. When Chakotay finally opened his eyes, he found Kathryn looking at him from across his pillow.

She reached out a hand and cupped his cheek, tracing his lips with her thumb. "Good morning."

"Good morning to you, too." He smiled and turned his head to press a kiss into her palm. "How did you sleep? Any more dreams?"

"None. Your presence must have scared the bad ghosts away." The hint of a smile flitted over her face.

He chuckled, closing his eyes as she started running her hand through his hair and to the back of his neck. Their lips met in a tender kiss, unhurried and lazy on this late Saturday morning.

"You didn't ask," she said quietly when they broke apart.

Chakotay kept his eyes closed, concentrating on the path her hand was tracing down his torso. "Ask what?"

The hand paused, coming to rest at his waist. "You know what."

He exhaled heavily and opened his eyes. "I'm not sure I want to know. I..."

"They didn't," she interrupted him, looking him straight in the eye as if to make absolutely certain he understood. "They did a lot of things, but they didn't rape me."

Chakotay exhaled again. "I'm glad. I'm glad that you didn't have to go through that, on top of everything else." He raised his hand to tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear and tried not to imagine what her face must have looked like after ten days of being held captive and tortured by Cardassians. "But I want you to know why I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to know. Not because I don't care, but because no matter what happened, I would still love you." Belatedly realizing what he'd said, Chakotay held his breath. He hadn't planned this, and now he wasn't sure how she would react to his inadvertent declaration of love.

Kathryn blinked, letting his words sink in. Then a smile broke over her face, and Chakotay thought he would faint with relief. "You love me?" she inquired, eyebrows raised in mock-seriousness.

He shrugged, grinning. "Can't help it. You happen to be utterly irresistible."

"I could say the same about you." She raised herself up to lean over him, her long hair tickling his chest.

When she moved to kiss him, he held her back. Now it was his turn to play. "Which part?"

Confused, she asked, "Which part of what?"

"Do you mean to say that I'm irresistible as well, or..." He let the question trail off.

Kathryn smiled impishly. "You are. Incredibly, utterly and undeniably irresistible." She leaned in, softly brushing his lips with hers before whispering, "And I do love you, too."

No more words were necessary after that.

-==/\==-