Yet another chapter. The size line and Helen's "get more coffee, it's horrid" line are from Blackadder. Sadly, I did not make those up. They work, though. And I just have to say that it is totally not fair that Helen still looks so freaking hot when she's bawling her eyes out. I mean, any normal person would be a mess but she manages to make it look sexy. WTF? I guess it comes from being the daughter of Zeus, skanky sneaky gi--er, god. (No 'fense meant, sir, no 'fense meant...)
I freaking love this movie...it is right up there with Alexander...so bad it's good. You know what would be hot and totally fabulous? Hector/Hephaestion, that's what. Actually, Hector/Andromache is one of the few het pairings I absolutely love. They are just so cute together. It's also one of the only canon pairings I absolutely love from like any fandom. They're just so friggin adorable! Andromache looks uber anorexic in Troy, though, has anyone else noticed? Whenever my mum watches it with me and Andromache comes on mum is like "Go get yourself a cookie! That baby weighs more than you do!" I love my mum. She nicknamed the orc captain in RotK Potato-Head. She talks about Terry Pratchett with me and bought me Darkly Dreaming Dexter, which is now one of my favourite books and which you all should totally read.
But I digress. Here is the chapter. Unless I get distracted, the next one will be up within the hour. Kisses to all and sundry.
Helen: Damn, I shouldn't wear so much jewellery. (tries to wrench tiara out of her hair) GAH IT IS CAUGHT!
Paris: (comes in) (locks door) (still humming MI song off-key)
Helen: You shouldn't be humming that song.
Paris: (in what he obviously considers a sexy voice) But you like it. You said so last night.
Helen: Last night I was drunk.
Paris: And the night before?
Helen: I have drunk many people under the table this week. Including you, my darling pretty nancy boy. Now shoo. I am trying to brush the stray bits of gold out of my hair.
Paris: (tries to be poetic) Ah, but all of your hair is as gold!
Helen: (still brushing furiously) No, you gorgeous twit, there are golden discs stuck in my hair, shiny and lovely and perfect though it otherwise is. Stupid jewellery fetish my husband has.
Paris: (comes up behind Helen)
Helen: Can you not take a hint?
Paris: Er… (Grabs Helen's neck)
Helen: Meow.
Paris: (starts fondling Helen's neck)
Helen: (purrrrrr)
Paris: (accidentally starts strangling Helen)
Helen: GNGHHH (claws at neck) (tries to breathe)
Paris: Ooh, sorry. That noise you made was sexy though.
Helen: What, when I was gasping for air?
Paris: Umm…
Helen: (rolls eyes)
Paris: Well, fine! Do you want me to go? Is that it? Huh? Huh? Menelaus wants me too, you know.
Helen: Ew.
Paris: Yeah. I know.
Helen: (strips)
Dress: FREEDOM!
Paris: (stare)
Helen: (presses self against Paris) OH EM GEE! Holy fuck, that's cold! Take your goddamn armour off! Bloody fuck, that's freezing!
Paris: (Passionately makes out with Helen)
Helen: It chafes too, goddamnit! (strips Paris) Mmm, much better. (resumes passionate makeout)
--MEANWHILE DOWNSTAIRS--
Hector: (fending off drunken advances from everyone and their brother) What the hell is taking Paris so long? (avoids another drunken letch)
Men: (singing drunkenly)
Drunken Letch #23: (throws up on Hector's sandals)
Hector: I am going to kill that kid. (walks past Menelaus)
Menelaus: (sucking face with dancer) Wait…you're not a guy!
Dancer: (giggle) I used to be!
Menelaus: Uhhh…ok! Whatever! I'm drunk, so everything is fine and dandy! (resumes sucking face with dancer)
BACK ON THE RANCH
Paris: I have a pretty necklace! See? (puts on necklace)
Helen: Get more coffee! It's horrid! Change it! Take me roughly from behind! No, not like that, like this! Trousers off! Tackle out! Walk the dog! Where's my presents!
Paris: (flustered) All right, all right, which one do you want me to do first?
Helen: I want a prezzie!
Paris: Here, here! (hands over ring)
Helen: It's a tiny titchy ring. I want a big prezzie!
Paris: Size isn't important. It's not what you've got, it's where you stick it.
Helen: I WANT A PREZZIE OR I'LL DRAG YOU DOWN TO MENELAUS!
Paris: All right, all right! I'll take you to Troy with me.
Helen: (claps hands) Ooh, goody! Really?
Paris: Umm, yeah. If you come with me, there's kinda gonna be a bit of trouble. Men are kinda sorta gonna hunt us--
Helen: Ooh. Kinky.
Paris: (cough) The gods will curse us.
Helen: Hmm…Zeus is my father, so I don't know if that's kinky or creepy…Ah well! Incest does run in the family, after all.
Paris: Yeah, I guess. Can we shag again?
Helen: How much time until the ship leaves?
Paris: I think it leav--
Helen: Ok, we'll shag.
(they shag each other rotten)