When they rose on Monday morning, Kathryn was as pale as the clouds outside and refused to eat more than a slice of toast with her single cup of coffee. Chakotay was worried about her, but he also firmly believed that he was doing the right thing. He walked her across campus to the building that housed most of Starfleet Headquarters' offices and kissed her goodbye after her firm promise to call if she needed him. She still looked pale, but also determined to weather whatever ordeal might await her.
For Chakotay, Monday mornings always started on the holodeck. When he arrived at the large double doors to the training facility, three eager cadets were already waiting for him, and a fourth came sprinting down the corridor just as Chakotay keyed in his access code. These four made up the first group of his 'Introduction to Piloting' class. They'd already mastered the basics of controlling a shuttle, and for today Chakotay had promised them their first stint at manning the helm of a starship. A small starship, to be sure – Saladin-class, an older model – but handling her would be quite different from flying a support craft.
As he called up the training program and assigned different roles around the bridge, Chakotay reflected back on his very first week as these cadets' flight instructor. He was an accomplished pilot himself, daring but not reckless, and had mistakenly assumed that the new recruits would be anxious for his guidance. Instead, he'd found that half the class already considered themselves experts at piloting, and were eager to show off their skills in front of their classmates. He'd used the first day for assessing everyone's skill level and assigning them to one of four groups – beginners, intermediates, wannabe experts and lastly those who really already knew what they were doing. All four groups trained back-to-back on Monday mornings, with only a few minutes break for Chakotay between each.
He went through the different flight exercises with his groups, showing them both standard maneuvers and also a few tricks which might save lives in battle situations. When the final group successfully managed to steer a Miranda-class ship through an asteroid field, he praised them for their control and quick reactions and left the training facility with a smile on his face and the sense of a job well done.
Kathryn hadn't called all morning, which Chakotay took as a good sign. On his way to the cafeteria, he passed through the famous SFA rose garden and waved hello to the elderly gardener, Boothby. Usually when he saw his former boxing coach, he would stop and talk for a few minutes, but today Boothby was showing several of his apprentices how to properly prune the roses. Since Chakotay was already late for his lunch with Kathryn, he continued on his way with a smile and a nod of his head.
This time of day, the cafeteria was exceedingly busy, and Chakotay let his eyes travel over the assembled cadets and Starfleet personnel. Still, he didn't notice Kathryn until she suddenly appeared right in front of him, an amused expression on her face.
"Hey stranger."
"Hey yourself." He resisted the urge to take her into his arms and kiss her. "I'm so sorry. I keep looking for you in a blue uniform; I'm just not used to seeing you in red yet."
A shadow flickered over her face but passed quickly. "Don't worry about it – I'm still adjusting to the change as well. Whenever I look into the mirror, I have to remind myself that yes, that's really me now."
He sensed the underlying doubt about her future in either of those Starfleet colors, but refrained from commenting for the time being. They chose their foods and found a table at the back of the room.
"How was the flight training?" Kathryn asked as soon as they'd settled down and started eating.
"Pretty good," Chakotay nodded between bites. "We only had one shuttle crash and an almost-collision with a freighter. Other than that, most of them came through unscathed."
"Well done, Professor." She raised her glass in a toast and he mirrored the gesture, smiling as their glasses clinked together.
Kathryn no longer looked as pale as she had that morning, and also seemed to have recovered her appetite. In fact, she looked downright cheerful as she twirled some spaghetti around her fork before devouring them with obvious enjoyment.
After taking another bite of his own meal, Chakotay ventured, "How did your morning go?"
"Better than expected," she replied without hesitation, then laughed when she saw Chakotay's surprise. "I know what you're thinking. You expected to find me distressed, either because I'd managed to get an appointment and it went terribly, or because I didn't get one and spent the morning wallowing in bad memories and feeling sorry for myself."
Chakotay chose his words carefully. "Not exactly, but close. I'm glad you're feeling better –"
"But you wonder why," she finished his sentence.
"I do." He grasped her free hand and held it tightly. "I worry about you. And after what you told me, I don't think you can blame me."
Her expression sobered. "I certainly can't. And I'm very glad to be here, spending my time with you and knowing that you'll listen when I need to talk. But you're right – it's not fair to dump all my problems on you..."
"I never said that," he protested, but she held up their joined hands to stifle his words.
"You said you may not be able to provide all the help I might need. You're not trained for that. But I met someone today who is."
"Who?"
"Lieutenant Commander Deanna Troi."
The name meant nothing to him. "Is she with the counseling department?"
"Yes and no." Chakotay had finally let go of her hand, and they both continued eating while Kathryn explained. "Do you know Will Riker?"
Wondering where she was going now, Chakotay shrugged. "Not personally, but I've heard of him."
"He and I went to the Academy together." She looked up from her plate, smiling in a way that made Chakotay's insides tingle. "In our third year, he asked me out on a date."
He almost choked on a piece of salad. Will Riker had quite a reputation as a ladies' man. And even though this must have been about eight years ago, Chakotay still felt jealous. "And?"
"I turned him down." Kathryn was still smiling, clearly enjoying his surprise. "It was getting close to exam time, I was far too busy studying. But anyway, apparently I managed to bruise his ego in such a way that he kept pursuing me for years afterwards. Whenever we happened to be in the same solar system, I'd receive a message from him. Then one day those messages stopped, and shortly afterwards I ran into him during shore leave on Betazed – and he had a girlfriend! A local girl he was completely smitten with. The three of us spent some time together, and I liked her a lot. Her name was Deanna Troi."
Finally the story was beginning to make sense to Chakotay. "And she was in Starfleet, too?"
"Not initially." Kathryn had finished her meal and put down her fork, neatly arranging it on her empty plate. "From what I heard later, I gathered that they were engaged to be married but then broke up. I suppose that was when she decided that Starfleet might be the place for her, with or without him. She became a starship counselor and is currently assigned to the Enterprise."
Chakotay frowned. "Enterprise? Isn't that where –"
"Will Riker happens to be first officer," Kathryn confirmed, grinning. "I expect to hear some interesting gossip this afternoon."
"So you're meeting her for an appointment?" Chakotay had also cleared his plate and folded up his napkin after wiping his mouth.
"Yes. I ran into her outside the counseling department this morning, and when she heard why I was there she said she had some free time this afternoon. Apparently she attended a psychology conference in La Paz last week and then had some business here at headquarters before she returns to the Enterprise in a few days." Kathryn reached over to take Chakotay's hand again. "I can't tell you how glad I am that I met her. I don't know her well, but at least she's out in the field and has first-hand experience of away missions and first contact situations. My greatest fear was that I'd be stuck talking to someone who'd never left their comfortable office here on Earth."
"I'm glad too, and I hope that she'll be able to provide some new insights for you." He squeezed her hand, happy that her positive attitude had returned. "So what did you do with the rest of your morning?"
"Mostly I just walked around the grounds, remembering my cadet days and checking if everything still looks the same. And then I ran into Boothby." Her smile turned decidedly mischievous.
Chakotay suddenly felt nervous. "You know Boothby?" he replied as nonchalantly as possible.
"Who doesn't? When I was a cadet, he gave me roses every day for my dorm room and always had an open ear for my troubles. He was quite eager to talk to me because he'd seen me crossing the grounds this morning – in the company of someone he called 'The Black-Eyed Terror'." The mischievous smile deepened. "Care to tell me about this guy?"
Chakotay felt his ears growing hot and he coughed to hide his embarrassment. "That was a long time ago," he finally managed.
Kathryn's laughter rang out through the cafeteria. "That's what he said, too, but I just know that there's a story behind that name somewhere." She leaned close enough to whisper suggestively, "And I intend to find out, no matter what it takes." Her words sent a shiver of anticipation through his body.
Their private moment was interrupted when an Andorian officer appeared at their table, tray in hand. "Are you done?" he asked irritably. "There are no more free seats."
Not even the man's rudeness could shatter Chakotay's good mood at the moment. "We were just about to leave," he replied coolly as he and Kathryn gathered their plates. The Andorian grunted and slid into a seat.
The couple made their way to the exit, depositing their trays in the recycler as they went. "What time are you meeting Commander Troi?" Chakotay asked when they were standing back outside.
"At 1430 hours," Kathryn replied. "Don't you have another class this afternoon?"
"Not a class, just a meeting. Would you like to see my office?"
"Absolutely." She looped her arm through his and smiled brightly. "Lead the way, Professor."
Chakotay chuckled. "Could you please stop saying that? You make me feel old."
"Oh, but I happen to have evidence that you're quite virile for your old age," she smirked.
He was tempted to swat her but caught himself when he saw a group of cadets coming toward them. He knew several of them from his classes and returned their nods of greeting, also noting the covertly curious glances directed toward his companion.
They crossed a courtyard and passed two buildings housing holodeck training facilities and regular classrooms. Then Chakotay led Kathryn through two sets of glass double doors into the heart of Starfleet Academy – the administration building, where most staff offices were located. Even though he'd started working there several weeks previously, he still had moments where he felt like a shy first-year cadet again, uncertain of where he was allowed to be and what might be expected from him by his superiors.
They took the lift up to the fourth floor and walked down a brightly lit corridor whose walls were covered with electronic notice boards detailing class syllabuses and assignment deadlines. Three doors down from the far end, Chakotay stopped to key in his code and then motioned for Kathryn to precede him into his office.
She looked around, taking in the desk with its computer terminal, an array of PADDs and a drooping potted plant, the shelves which housed two starship models, a small box of unknown contents and a whole lot of empty space, as well as the pictures on the walls showing landscapes on different planets around the Federation.
Chakotay waited patiently until Kathryn turned to him, a small frown creasing her forehead. "It's a nice enough room, but somehow it feels a little... empty. And I don't just mean the shelves."
He shrugged and nodded at the same time. "I know what you mean. It's not really my place yet. I don't have a lot of stuff, and the little I have went into decorating my apartment. Besides, I was so busy drawing up my teaching schedule and just generally getting a feel for the place and my new position that changing the setup of this room didn't seem important." He gestured at the walls. "These pictures were left by my predecessor; I kept them because they added some color. But there's one thing I put up myself..." He dropped his voice to a soft whisper. "Turn around."
She did, coming to face the wall beside the door, the wall he saw whenever he looked up from his place at the desk.
A large framed image covered most of the space above a battered-looking couch. It was a landscape panorama, taken from a slightly elevated point of view. Wide lawns dotted with trees swept down toward a small seaside village comprised of neat, colorfully painted cottages. Behind them, a dark green ocean extended toward the horizon, and the bright blue sky was dotted with several dark shapes resembling seagulls. Off to the side of the village, a wide stretch of sand extended beyond the edge of the picture.
Kathryn's sharp intake of breath told him that she had recognized the location – Kelvaris. He'd taken the picture on the exact same spot where he'd kissed her the night of their first real date.
He stood behind her, his hands at her waist, his body leaning into hers until he was enveloped by her fragrance. "Every time I look at it, I think of you," he breathed into her ear while his hands slowly slid higher, cupping her breasts and feeling their warm softness through her layers of clothing.
She craned her head around, turning just far enough so her lips were within easy reach of his. "You must not get very much work done then," she quipped breathlessly.
"That's why I didn't have time for any further decorating," he murmured. A slight dip of his head was all that was needed to bring their mouths together.
The kiss deepened as her body pressed into his, still with her back to his front. All rational thought vanished and he lost himself in the softness under his hands and the moist warmth of her mouth, completely overwhelmed by finally living the daydream he'd indulged in many, many times since hanging the Kelvari landscape on his wall. He felt more than heard her moan, the vibration moving from her to him in radiating waves, making his skin tingle. When she reached behind her to touch him, he was forced to break the kiss to gulp in some air, but then turned her around and captured her mouth again, plunging his tongue inside to duel with hers. Each stroke of her hand sent electric sparks through him until his knees felt weak enough to buckle.
The couch was only two steps away. With supreme effort, Chakotay managed to twist around and sink backwards into the cushions, pulling Kathryn with him. She stretched out atop his body, showering his face with tiny kisses as her pelvis ground against his, nearly driving him insane with want. His hands slid up into her hair to hold her head in place just long enough to groan out her name before pulling her down to him once more.
The sound of the door chime put an abrupt stop to their mutual efforts of kissing each other into oblivion. Kathryn pushed herself up on one trembling arm, causing Chakotay to gasp with the shift in weight. Her face was flushed a deep pink, her hair was a mess, and her eyes were still dark with passion. "One of your students?" she whispered hoarsely.
"Maybe. I don't have office hours today though."
The chime sounded again. Kathryn suddenly started to giggle and buried her face against Chakotay's neck to muffle the sound.
He couldn't help smiling but at the same time hoped that his would-be visitor wouldn't hear anything and would be on his or her way. When two minutes had passed without another sound from the door, he started breathing a little easier. "What's so funny?" he rumbled in Kathryn's ear, trying – and failing – to keep the smile out of his voice.
She shifted up again and brushed loose strands of hair back behind her ears. "I've been caught necking on campus before, but never at a professor's office. Would you get into trouble?" she asked, her expression suddenly worried.
"I don't think so. We're both of age and you're not a cadet, so I don't see that we're breaking any regulations."
"That's good to know." She laid her head down on his chest and he loosely wrapped his arms around her back. The previous heat and urgency had passed, and since they both knew that she would have to leave soon, they simply enjoyed each other's closeness for a few minutes more.
Then Kathryn's head snapped up. "What time is it?"
Chakotay craned his head to see the clock above the shelves. "Fourteen oh eight."
She disentangled herself from his arms and sat up. "I should get ready for my meeting with Counselor Troi." Pulling on a strand of hair, she sighed. "You wouldn't happen to have a brush lying around?"
"I'm afraid not." Chakotay pulled himself up as well and smoothed his hand over the tight bun he disliked so much. With the loose wisps framing Kathryn's face it didn't look so bad, but he still preferred her hair down. "Why don't you braid your hair anymore? That bun looks really uncomfortable."
"It is," she confirmed while pulling out pins one at a time and using them to refasten the wayward strands. "But it's a question of authority."
Perplexed, Chakotay looked from her hair to her eyes. "How so?"
"If you want people to listen to you, you can't afford to distract them with your appearance," Kathryn explained, sounding as if she were quoting from a book. "Long hair and bright make-up tend to capture too much attention that should better be focused elsewhere."
Chakotay gaped at her. "Says who?"
"'Command Officers' Book of Unwritten Etiquette'. I found it in the ship's library," Kathryn shrugged.
"And you believe that?"
She shrugged again. "I figured it was worth a try. Besides, it gives me an additional few centimeters of height. These heels are already bad enough." She held up one booted foot and he found himself staring at heels almost twice as high as the ones he remembered peeling off of her on Kelvaris.
"And I thought my memory was off," he mused, shaking his head as he thought back to their meeting at the transport station and how she'd seemed taller than expected. Then he turned back to her and gently grasped her arms. "Kathryn, you don't need all that."
She was silent, twisting a pin in her hands. When she looked back up, her expression was deadly serious. "I do. Maybe I won't always, but for now I do. It's become my armor, my way of shielding myself. When I'm off duty, I can shed the pins, the boots, the uniform, and be myself. But out there, on the bridge of a starship, I need these physical changes to remind me and others of my position and my power. Changing from science to command wasn't just a matter of changing the color of my uniform. It was a matter of reevaluating my goals and priorities. As a science officer, most of the time I followed orders. If I hope to be a captain someday, I will have to learn to give those orders – even if it means putting someone else's life on the line."
Chakotay's tone was as serious as hers. "It sounds to me as if you've already made your decision."
"No." She visibly slumped and some of the spark left her eyes. "On a good day, I hope that I can rediscover the courage and excitement that I felt the first time I sat down in the first officer's chair on the Al-Batani's bridge. On a bad day, however, I just want to run as far away from there as possible and hide in a quiet little corner here on Earth." She sighed. "Maybe I should apply for a teaching position, too."
The thought of working with her, side by side, at the Academy momentarily made Chakotay's heart skip, but he quickly forced his mind back to reality. "Do you really think you'd be happy here?" he asked.
She looked at him for a long moment, her eyes briefly flicking to the Kelvari landscape on the wall and then back to his face. "I don't know. Maybe," she finally whispered, and he knew it was as honest an answer as he was going to get.
Maybe they could be happy together, sharing a life of teaching and instructing, and building their private little haven in their spare time. Maybe they would get married, have children, and live happily ever after. But it was just as possible that one or both of them would eventually tire of a planet-bound existence and would feel the pull of distant stars again. They were both wanderers, explorers with impeccable service records, with wide open career opportunities that weren't limited to one world, or even one solar system. And they were still too young and too impulsive to set down permanent roots.
"I understand," Chakotay said, brushing his lips over Kathryn's cheek.
She kissed him sweetly. "And I love you for that."
She then left his office to visit the bathroom two doors down the corridor and returned a few minutes later with freshly applied lipstick and not a hair out of place.
"Ready for your appointment?" Chakotay asked and received a brisk nod in reply.
"I'll meet you back home for dinner," Kathryn promised before she left, and he resisted the impulse to ask what she had planned for the rest of her afternoon.
Chakotay knew she was quite capable of taking care of herself, and that she knew she could call him anytime. He needed to give her some space instead of clinging to her like a lovesick adolescent.
But when he settled at his desk and tried to prepare for his afternoon meeting with the lead holo-programmer for flight simulations, all he could think of was the haunted look in Kathryn's eyes when she'd explained about hairpins and high heels and how she had to be a different persona while on duty. If she decided to remain in Starfleet, he could only hope that Officer Janeway would not permanently usurp the place of the Kathryn he knew and loved.
-==/\==-