A/N: God, Paris is so stupid...he really is...oh, how I love him. Heh. This is such fun to write! I'm so glad everyone likes it so much...this story has gotten the most hits out of anything else I've written. Yay!

Paris: A beautiful morning! (sings) Sailing, sailing, the wind is on our side. As is the Sea God!

Hector: You slept with Poseidon AGAIN?

Paris: (cough)

Hector: Sometimes the Gods bless you in the morning and curse you in the afternoon.

Paris: Oh, you've slept with Aires too? Possessive, that one. Absolutely mental. Good shag, though.

Hector: (ignores)

Paris: Do you love me, brother? Would you protect me against any enemy?

Hector: The last time you spoke to me like this was when you were drunk and thought I was someone called Cassander. The time before that you were drunk and had just slept with father's whore. Who have you screwed now? Besides yourself, obviously?

Paris: (cough) I…I have to show you something.

Hector: That sounds really creepy. Then again, incest does run in the family.

Paris: I've heard that before, somewhere. (shrug) Ah well! Come on below decks!

Hector: If you hit on me, I will pound your scrawny ass into the floor of the cargo hold.

Paris: I--

Hector: Not like that, you perv. As in I will beat the crap out of you if you try anything remotely sketchy.

Paris: You are made for fighting. It's not my fault the gods made me for loving.

Homer: Hmm…that is a good quote. I shall have to use it in my book.

Hector: Goddamnit, what the hell is your ex doing on the boat?

Paris: Which one?

Hector: Homer. Or something. The blind-y one.

Paris: For someone who's supposedly blind, he sure could--

Hector: I SO do not want to hear it. Now what did you want me to see?

Paris: (leads way to below decks)

Hector: Wow. We had a below decks?

Paris: Yeah. Funny, that.

Helen: (whips off dress)

Hector: …

Helen: Oops! (puts dress on) (whips off blanket)

Hector: What. The. Hell. Did. You. Do. You. Dumbass. Brother. Of. Mine.

Paris: I…kinda borrowed Menelaus' wife for a bit.

Helen: He has a massive hangover, though, one the size of Achilles'--

Hector: (cough) Ladies present.

Helen: EGO. I was going to say EGO. And I am a lady.

Paris: What? Oh, yeah.

Helen: Yeahhh…why did I leave my husband for you…?

Paris: Cos I shag like a minx.

Helen: Oh. Yes, that.

Hector: I hate to interrupt, but Paris and I need to have a little chat.

Helen: I'll just wait here, shall I.

Hector: By all means.

MEANWHILE, IN SPARTA--

Guard: So this is where his wife's bedchamber is. Damn. So who was that last night…?

Menelaus: (ignores)

Servant woman: It's not what it looks like!

Men: …

Servant woman: Er…yeah…you didn't see anything, did you…

Menelaus: Nooo, but is there anything you'd like to tell us?

Servant woman: About last night, I--

Menelaus: Where the fuck is my wife?

Servant woman: She kicked me out when that Trojan princess came in. She likes the girly-girls.

Guard: (discreet cough) That was a prince, actually.

Servant woman: Really? Damn.

Menelaus: Really? Damn.

Fisherman: Really? Damn.

Second Guard: (smacks forehead) Oh, yeah! Here, we found this fisherman, he says he saw your bint leave with the Trojan bint. Says he saw her board their ship.

Fisherman: That's not the only thing she boarded. Boarded that Trojan princess too, I'll wager. (chuckles lecherously)

First Guard: It was a guy. Am I the only one to notice this…?

Second Guard: Well, we can't all be shagging Prince Hector. Most of us were with his sister.

First Guard: That was his BROTHER.

Everyone else: (stare) (laugh) Hahaha! You had us going for a minute there.

Menelaus: So, anyway. Fisherman--

Fisherman: --or woman!

Menelaus: (concedes) or woman. Right, did my bird leave with anyone?

Fisherman: A couple of Trojan bastards. I turned to look at my nets for two seconds, and when I turn round, my boats' up on cement blocks, my radio's gone, and my son is pregnant!

Menelaus: …yeah…soooo…Trojans took her, right?

Fisherman: And another thing--

Menelaus: But my wife, the pretty one, she went away with the Trojans, yes?

Fisherman: Yeah, but now my son--

Menelaus: There will be no mpregs in this story! Throw the goddamn fisherman--

Fisherman: --or woman.

Menelaus: I DON'T CARE! Get my ships ready, boys--

Fisherman: --or girls.

Menelaus: Will you shut up! Anyway, we're going to see me brother.

Fisherman: --or sister.

Menelaus: Why are you so obsessed with women, Stan?

Fisherman: My name's Dennis. And I want to be one.

Menelaus: WTF?

Fisherman: I want to be a woman.

Menelaus: This is so screwed up. I'm leaving for Agamemnon's flat. Later, sux0rz!

Fisherman: So's your face.

Menelaus: You--screw you.

Fisherman: So--

Guard: (throws fisherman out window)

Menelaus: Thanks, mate. (Winks lasciviously) You get an extra bedtime kiss.

Guard: …………………

--BACK ON THE TROJAN SHIP--

Hector: Turn around. Take us back to Sparta.

Helmsman: (winks) So, gotten fond of Menelaus after all, eh?

Hector: I am not speaking to you either.

Helmsman: (shrug) Suit yourself. I'm easy.

Paris: Really? So am I. (leans in) (wraps arms around helmsman's waist) (whispers huskily) Maybe we have more in common.

Hector: PARIS! GET YOUR HORNY ASS UP HERE! We are having words, mister.

Paris: Yes, brother. (winks at helmsman) You can steer my tiller any day, cutie.

Hector: Paris, what did Dad say about screwing the soldiers?

Paris: Fine, fine. (sulk)

Helmsman: Actually, I'm technically not a soldier…

Hector: (GLARE)

Helmsman: (shuts up) (goes back to steering boat whilst sneaking glances at Paris' ass)

Paris: Wait, wait--

Hector: You freaking dumbass. You fool. You moron. You cretin. You idiot. You twit. You git. You berk. You eejit. You stupid sod. You daft bugger. You utter wanker. You gormless prat. You--

Paris: Yes, yes, I get it, I'm stupid. Moving on…?

Hector: Do you realise what you've done?

Paris: Yes! Wait, no. No I don't.

Hector: Do you know how many people our father shagged for peace?

Paris: But I love her!

Hector: That's what you said about whatsisname, Lysander, and those serving girls, and those serving boys, and that--

Paris: (cough) Your point?

Hector: Ugh. Your roam from town to town bedding everyone you come across and their brother.

Paris: Yeahh, about that--

Hector: You say you want to die for love? You know nothing about dying and you know nothing about love!

Paris: I never said--

Hector: Well, you SAY you don't want me to fight your battles for you, but you've really screwed up this time so I'm going to save your stupid ass so I don't get grounded again. TO TROY!

Helmsman: Goddamnit, make up your mind!