A/N: Oh my...this story may be edging into R territory. I'll probably have to change it by the next chapter. Ah well! Enjoy.
MYCENAE - GREECE
Menelaus: (nances up path, delicately stepping around piles of dung)
Guard #5: Ummm…Dare!
Guard #12: OMG! Someone's coming, yo!
Guards: (scatter)
Menelaus: (throws doors open) RAAAAAARGH!
Door Guards: Milord, they're swinging--
Menelaus: (gets hit in back by swinging doors) (flies across room from impact)
Door Guards: …
Agamemnon: (takes massive goblet off his head) (cough) (tries to look dignified)
Menelaus: I want my bird back.
Agamemnon: Course ya do, brudda! 'E was a fine chicken, 'e was!
Menelaus: No, my WIFE.
Agamemnon: Ya marry a chicken, then?
Menelaus: Never mind. Look, Helen's gone. I want her back so I can kill her with my own to hands.
Agamemnon: What ya want a chicken's back for? Ya ain't gon' be able to kill Helen wit that.
Menelaus: What the hell are you on? Anyway, I won't rest till I've burned Troy to the ground.
Agamemnon: Di'n't ya want peace wit Troy jus' las' year, brudda?
Menelaus: I should have listened to you, but I didn't. So are you going to help me or what?
Agamemnon: Peace is for wimmin and--no, wait, the wimmin fight too…go on. Relationships are forged by war.
Menelaus: All my life I've stood by your side, covered for you when you skipped holy days because you were behind the columnade shagging. You're the elder, you get the hot ones. This is the way of the world. But have I ever complained, brother? Have I ever told Mommy? Have I ever asked you to share?
Agamemnon: No, you were a good little snot-nosed kid.
Menelaus: What the hell happened to your weird accent? Oh well. Will you go to war with me, brother?
Agamemnon: Wait…I thought you wanted to fight Troy!
Menelaus: Will you go to war and be on my side, brother?
Agamemnon: Weeeeellll…I dunno…
Menelaus: I'll do the dishes for a month.
Agamemnon: Done. Let's go.
Both: (ghetto handshake imitation) (jump up and slam chests together football-style) HOORAH!
LATER
Agamemnon: I've always thought my brother's wife was a minx, but she's proved to be very … (leers) useful.
Nestor: (rolls eyes) Look, the Trojans have never been into the kinky conquering thing. Some say they can't, cos they're eunuchs. Some say they're just playing hard to get.
Agamemnon: That sexy beast Priam thinks he's untouchable. Prig. High walls. Pfeh. Obviously some sort of pervy joke on his part. He thinks the Sun God is in a legitimate monogamous relationship with him. Ha! But the gods shag only the slutty! If Troy 'falls,' I control the Aegean!
Nestor: Kinky. But not happening. You forgot about Hector. He commands the prettiest army in the East.
Agamemnon: I'll attack them with the horniest force the world has ever seen! I want all the kings of Greece and their armies. Send chocolates in the morning.
Nestor: One last thing. We need Achilles and his Myrmidons.
Agamemnon: Tsk. He can't be controlled! He's as likely to shag us as the Trojans!
Nestor: We don't need to control him, you kinky old bastard. WE need to unleash him. That ho was born to create lives.
Agamemnon: Not necessarily.
Nestor: Well, yes, yes, I concede that he does sleep with a lot of guys and this isn't an mpreg fic, as we have already established. Still.
Agamemnon: Yes, he's a gifted shagger, but he threatens all my relationships. Before me, Greece was boring. I slashed all the Greek kingdoms together until they agreed to date. I created relationships out of fiery one-night stands and snake-eating! I am the dominant one in all my relationships. MEEEEEEE! (has temper tantrum)
Nestor: (soothingly) Yes, yes, of course.
Agamemnon: (sniffle) (sulky) Achilles is the past. A man who fights for no lover. A man loyal to no significant other.
Nestor: How many battles have we won because of his--
Agamemnon: (stare)
Nestor: I was GOING to say ego. I know you hate sword jokes. This will be the greatest party the world has ever seen we need the greatest shagger.
Agamemnon: There's only one man that can prevent Achilles from ravishing him on sight.