A/N: Ah, yet another chapter of this horrible mess. Yay! (rubs hands together) Let's get on with it, shall we? I think I'll bump the rating up now, save myself some trouble along the line. That is, I'll save myself from trouble, not save trouble for later. But anyways, here you go. The infamous Swordfighting Scene!

This was so much fun to write...I love this fic...Muffins and cyber cookies to everyone who reviewed!

PHTIA--GREECE

Achilles and Patroclus: ("sword fighting")

Audience: (snigger)

Patroclus: (giggles and nances away)

Achilles: AHHH! Where did he go?

Patroclus: (leaps out) (giggles) HA!

(they continue to "swordfight")

Achilles: Parry, parry, thrust! Never hesitate, sweetie pie. (throws Patroclus against rock)

Patroclus: EEK! (leaps off rock ninja style)

(they battle ninja style)

Achilles: Meh. Boring. Let's go back to… (leer) swordfighting.

(they "swordfight" yet again…)

Horses: (nance up path)

Patroclus: (pirouettes) Whee! (foreplay with wooden sword…the practice weapon…the one in his hand made from a tree…) Nervous? (flirtatious wink)

Achilles: Petrified. You're not supposed to be so butch. (wails) SCAWY! (curls into corner and sobs) (sulky sobbing)

Patroclus: (sulk) You're no fun when you're so whiny.

Achilles: You know what? (grabs Patroclus' arm, twists, shoves Patroclus against pillar)

Patroclus: Mmm, much better.

Achilles: (ravishes Patroclus)

Patroclus: People are coming! Quick, make this look innocent and non-incestuous!

Achilles: (continues ravishing)

Patroclus: That means stop groping me! (shoves Achilles away)

(they "swordfight" some more…)

Patroclus: You told me never to change sword hands.

Achilles: Well, that's just when you're with me. When you're with Hector, I don't really care how good you are. Screw Hector.

Patroclus: But you did, remember that one time at the party when you got really drunk and got up and--

Achilles: (whacks Patroclus in the windpipe) (shouts loudly) HA HA HA I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT, DEAR COUSIN OF MINE!

Patroclus: (falls onto hands and knees, wheezing)

Achilles: (kicks sword away) I WIN! (notices Patroclus on hands and knees) Ooh, good idea! (walks over to spear) I think I'll throw this at someone! (tries to throw spear at rabbit hopping by but narrowly misses Odysseus sixty yards away) Goddamnit!

Spear: Yay! I kick ass cos you can make even more spear jokes than sword jokes, cos the non-pointy bit of a spear is called the butt! Hahahaha! (hits tree)

Tree: WTF, yo!

Spear: Ow. (notices tree) Hey, sexy.

Odysseus: (pulls spear out of tree)

Spear: Goddamnit!

(Odysseus and Achilles exchange suspiciously friendly greetings, calling each other "friend" far too often than normal)

Soldier: "Friends," eh? Is that what they're calling it these days? (shrugs) Ah well. Tempora mutantur, as they say, eh?

Other soldier: What in hell?

Soldier: 'S Latin. Great people, the Romans.

Other Soldier: They haven't been invented yet!

Soldier: Says who?

History teachers watching movie: GLARING ANACHRONISM! GLARING ANACHRONISM! SO PAINFUL IT MUST BE POINTED OUT!

Other soldier: (points) That's who.

Soldier: (flips off History teachers in audience) Screw 'em. If glaring anachronisms ain't allowed, how come we've all been shagging Cassander, eh? Eh?

Rest of male cast: Well, yes, that's true. See, if we got rid of glaring anachronisms then we'd have to wait ages to shag Cassander, seeing as how he's not born for another couple hundred years.

Priam: DO we get to shag in the Elysian fields, then?

Commodus: (looks up from Maximus) Course we do! Not much point otherwise, then, is there?

Everyone: Well, yeah, he's got a point there…

History teachers watching movie: GLARING ANACHRONISM! GLARING ANACHRONISM! SO PAINFUL IT MUST BE POINTED OUT!

Achilles: (coughs) Moving on. (Drags Patroclus forward in particularly kinky way) This is Patroclus, my cousin.

Odysseus: "Cousins," eh? Is that what they're calling it these days? (shrugs) Ah well. Tempora mutantur, as they say, eh?

Author: Let's not go through that bit again, shall we? Move on to the innuendo.

Odysseus: (gives introductions, providing back-story as to how Achilles', ahem, 'cousin' is staying with him) Now you're learning from Achilles himself, eh? Kings would kill for the honour, but Achilles is so easy they don't have to.

Achilles: (with pride) Yep, I'm the biggest slut this side of the Aegean!

Odysseus: Erm…yeah… (awkward) That's kinda sorta what I'm here for. We need to talk.

Achilles: He's icky. I'm not "fighting" for him.

Odysseus: I'm not asking him to fight for him. I'm asking you to "fight" for the Greeks.

Achilles: What, all of them? Okay, I suppose, but I had better get as much wine as I can drink without passing out at this party you're planning. But why? Are the Greeks tired of "fighting" each other?

Patroclus: (smiles My-boyfriend-just-made-a-funny-joke smile)

Odysseus: For now.

Achilles: The Trojans never snubbed me.

Odysseus: They snubbed Greece.

Achilles: They snubbed one Greek. Menelaus is icky. What business is that of mine?

Odysseus: Your business generally consists of shagging any male humanoid with a pulse.

Achilles: Is it? The man has no prettiness.

Odysseus: Let Achilles put out for prettiness, let Agamemnon put out for power, and let the gods decide which man to bang.

Patroclus: I wanna shag the Greeks! (leaps on Achilles again) GREEKS ARE TEH SMEX!

Odysseus: "Fight" for me. You know how wild these things can get for unattached blokes. My wife will feel much better if she knows you're by my side, hell, I'll feel much better.

(Achilles and Patroclus are, yes, you guessed it, sword fighting. Again.)

Achilles: (smacks Patroclus on the ass with his sword)

(they leap on each other and snog passionately)

Odysseus: There will be boats and camp-outs on the beach. There may even be s'mores.

Patroclus: Prince Hector. Is he as good a "warrior" as they say?

Odysseus: Everyone says he's the best of all the Trojans. (sidelong glance at Achilles) Some say he's better than all the Greeks, too. Even if your "cousin" doesn't come, we'd love it if you did. (leers) We could always use a strong arm like yours. (eyes Patroclus appreciatively) The rest of you too. (feels Patroclus up) You'd have to ask your, ahem, ask your cousin about the Hector thing, though. I seem to remember that at that one party--

Achilles: (tries to whack Odysseus across windpipe) HA HA HA OLD FRIEND, WHATEVER ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!

Odysseus: (ducks)

Achilles: And stop playing your tricks on my cousin! He, unlike me, isn't into that sort of thing. (waggles eyebrows suggestively)

Odysseus: You have your "sword," I have my tricks. We play with the toys the gods give us. Especially that one you and Hector were playing with, remember when you--

Achilles: I WAS DRUNK AND STONED OFF MY ASS, OKAY?

Odysseus: (to Patroclus) No he wasn't… (louder) Anyways, I'll be off then. Just so you know, Achilles, this "war" will never be forgotten. Nor will the men who shag in it. Boats leave in three days. Be there or be square, man! Peace out. (leaves dramatically)

Achilles: (tries to look thoughtful and insightful but ends up looking like a monkey in the middle of doing a massive fart)

Patroclus: (got bored while the 'men' were talking and wandered off to "archery lessons" with Cassander)

Remember, reviews make the chapters come faster! And there's no way in hell I'm finishing before the end of August, seeing as how today's the twenty-fourth and I'm on the seventh chapter...but who knows? If I get enough reviews my muse may be appeased enough to crank out a dozen chapters or so in the next day or two. (hint hint) Bonus points to whoever knows the movie I nicked the title from.