All right you little minxes, there are well over a thousand hits on this story and there are fifteen reviews. Come on, now. Jubil, Allergic-to-Paradox, Kaytara, Boho Bella, Lauren, rattieroo, thepossessed, llama beans, Yin.Yang.Sisters, and SeraphOfMortality, I love you guys forever and ever.
The rest of you, I want reviews. Come on. Take the extra six seconds and make me happy. Please.
Whether or not you decide to review (cough) (cough) here is the eighth chapter. Rejoice! You know, when Monkey-Man is standing at the bow of the ship, there's a guy in the distance that shouts something that to my mind sounds like "one two three four" like the beginning of a Ramones song...only, I like Blitzkrieg Bop so I stuck it in. That is my blurb. Read now.
Achilles: (struts down beach with hands on hips, trying to be flirtatious)
Guys on boat: WOOO! YEAH! SHAKE THAT ASS!
Achilles: (wiggles ass and flicks hair back) You know you want me!
Guys on boat: CASSANDER! Yeah, boi! WOOO!
Achilles: God damn Cassander. That bitch is going DOWN. And I don't mean that in the way Agamemnon uses it. It is ON.
Cassander: (totally unconcerned) Bring it, yo.
Achilles: Oh yeah?
Cassander: Yeah.
Achilles: Your momma, that's what! Ooh, snap! (does snappy thing)
Cassander: (shrugs) (sloppy make out with Patroclus)
Achilles: It is OVER between us Cassander, you know that? OVER! It is SOOO OVER! (sobs) I want my MOMMY! Cos SHE can beat up YOUR mommy. Cos in canon, MY mommy's an IMMORTAL!
Cassander: Pff. Whatever, ho. Bee tee dubya, your sarong is soooo last season. Catch you on the flip side, yo, I've got archery practice. (snaps fingers)
Rest of male cast: (follows Cassander, drooling)
History teachers in audience: (wincing) (eyes twitch uncontrollably)
Achilles: Ma…hey…(shuffles awkwardly)
Mum: I wish those soldiers would stop throwing their condoms in the pool…
Achilles: (cough) Yeah…I'll speak to them about it…
Mum: Well, we all know what they say about soldiers.
Achilles: (nods)
Mum: So, anyway, I knew they would come for you.
Achilles: Look mum, I already said I'd talk to the soldiers about it; I'll get some slaves or something to clean the room afterwards…
Mum: (cough) I was talking about Odysseus trying to shanghai you into going to the party…I knew this would happen, long before you were born…they want you to shag in Troy.
Achilles: Well, yeah, you were at one of those parties and nine months later I popped out…so can I go? My chores are done and everything. (folds arms, trying to make biceps look bigger)
History teachers in audience: (squirm)
Mum: ….
Achilles: (rolls eyes) Like, Oh em gee, mother, like EVERYONE is like going like to like the like party, like oh em gee, like why like can't like I like go like too, like? Like? (thinks a minute) Like?
Mum: I'm making you another seashell necklace, like the ones you used to wear as a cross-dressing little boy. Now you're a cross-dressing man. Do you really all wear those leather miniskirts in battle?
Achilles: Well, yes, it allows for freedom of movement and--
Mum: Oh, cos I had a bitch of a time getting some of those stains out.
Achilles: (chokes) MOTHER!
Mum: Well if you're going to bleed all over your skirt, that's fine with me. You can ask for a tampon, you know, if it's really that bad.
Achilles: MOTHER! I am a man!
Mum: Yes, of course dear. You have boobs, for Medusa's sake.
Achilles: Pecs, mother. These are pectorals.
Mum: MM-hmm, sure they are. Now HECTOR, Hector's a real man. Sexy, strong, not a pansy-ass like you. I can't believe my son is such a slut. Honestly. I can't believe you want in on this party.
Achilles: Hector's going to be there.
Mum: He is? Mrrow. I may pop by.
Achilles: (hopping from one foot to other) Muuuummeeeee…tonight, can you decide?
Mum: Hmm…if you stay in Larisa, she'll eventually squeeze a few out and you'll have a family and god damn do I want grandkids! Grandkids are the gods' reward for not killing your own children (glare) and I certainly deserve a reward. If not grandkids, then send me Hector; he'll do quite nicely. Anyway, your family will love you but your social status will be shot and you will be regarded as a stable sensible pillar of the community who is trustworthy and reliable and a loving caring father and grandfather and your kids will not party but will be model citizens just like you.
Achilles: Yeah, that sucks. Fucking conformists. So what happens if I go to Troy? Will there be boinking?
Mum: If you go to Troy, glory and sexy men will be yours. I will never have grandkids and I will be so pissed, you won't even be able to imagine. They will write stories about your debauchery for thousands of years, and over-excitable girls will post things about you on the internet, and you will be in many motion pictures. You'll probably drink yourself into unconsciousness one night and die. For your partying gloreh goes hand in hand with your doom, like you used to go hand-in-hand with Hector until that party. Whatever happened?
Achilles: Great, so yeah, there will be bangin' if I go to Troy?
Mum: DOOM!
History teachers in audience: (shake heads)
Achilles: Yes, got the doom bit down, but will I get down?
Mum: Doom, doom, doom! DOOM! There will be DOOM rained down upon the DOOMED heads of DOOMED enemies! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
History teachers in audience: (whimpering)
Achilles: Mother, am I going to polish spears, practice archery, swordfight, sleep with anyone, bang, boink, shag, fuck, screw, or in any other terms have mad hot man sex if I got to the party at Troy? Really, that's all I want to know.
Mum: (sings Doom Song) Doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom Doomy doomy doom doom doom doom doomy doomy doomy doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom
History teachers in audience: (outright sobbing)
Achilles: MOTHER!
Mum: There will be many weapons unsheathed at Troy…also there will be sex. Go forth and conquer, my son! (resumes singing Doom Song)
Achilles: (pumps fist in air) SCOOOOOORE! (squints off into the distance, trying to look majestic and thoughtful, but looks like he's getting kneed in the groin and is trying to bear it stoically)
Achilles: (pumps fist in air) SCOOOOOORE! (squints off into the distance, trying to look majestic and thoughtful, but looks like he's getting kneed in the groin and is trying to bear it stoically)
Patroclus: Sure, sure, announce it to the world…good gods, we need some tunes out here, this is sooo boring! (rigs up karaoke machine)
History teachers in audience: (convulsing on floor)
Man in distance: I said a-one, a-two, a-one two three four!
(drums)
Agamemnon: (picks up mic) (sings) Hey ho, let's go! Hey ho, let's go! Hey ho, let's go! Hey ho, let's go!
Myrmidons: Oi, who are you callin' a ho?
Agamemnon: No, not you, just Achilles.
Myrmidons: Okay.
(everyone sings) They're formin' in a straight line, dah, nah, They're goin' through a tight wind, dah, nah, the kids are losin' their minds, the Blitzkrieg Bop! They're pilin' in the back seat, dah, nah, they're generatin' steam heat, dah, nah, pulsating to the back beat, the Blitzkrieg Bop!
History teachers in audience: (dance)
Achilles; ENOUGHHHH! The Ramones are lame, yo. Let's put something else on. (grabs Kelly Clarkson CD) Shit, yeah!
History teachers in audience: (are miserable once more)
Patroclus: No way, man. I can't be with someone who don't dig the Ramones, man. I'm leaving you for Cassander, you dig?
Myrmidons: Uhh…yeah, us too.
Cassander: Shit, yeah! The Ramones are fuckin' sweet, man.
Achilles: Wait! (waves another CD around) I HAVE HILARY DUFF!
History teachers in audience: (have abandoned all hope at this point and are trying to get some sleep, poor overworked people that they are)
Everyone else: (ignores)
Achilles: Screw this. (messes with the sails) (puts on Kelly Clarkson/Hilary Duff/Britney Spears mix whilst everyone's trying to fix the sails)
Other ships: (move away from Achilles' ship)
Achilles: Ha! My cunning plan has worked!
Patroclus: Um, to get ahead of all the other ships?
Achilles: (cough) Yes. That. Of course.
Camera: (gets bored and wanders around, checking out the other ships in hopes of finding Cassander)
If you review, the next time anyone comes and steals your wife I will personally march across the Aegean and kick the thief's ass for you.
If you like guys, then...um...I suppose I could try kidnapping Hector for you?
Sweet Apollo (god of youth and beauty...heh...) but Cassander is hot...go watch Alexander. You can skip all the battle-y bits, nothing really happens other than close-ups of a sweaty Alexander and NO one wants to see that. Anywhoooo...yeah. I may or may not write another chapter today. You know what? Hell, I have nothing else to do. Why not.