A little Deception
Note: Since just about every Gakuen Alice fic out there seems to be Mikan/Natsume, I figured I'd contribute to the Mikan/Hotaru relationship. I'm surprised there aren't any, considering that Hotaru is the one Mikan likes. So, I'll give you all a little drabble or two, and if I find the time and the motivation, an actual story.
Rating: PG-13
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Mikan
I've always known, ever since I was really small, I knew. It wasn't really knowing. I had no words for what it was. It was there though, that I know. Something changed though when I met her. It...woke up. I still had no words for it, no name. All I knew was that seeing her gave made me happy. Happier than any other person made me. I longed to see her smile, to see her laugh.
She pushed me away. Tried to anyway. I was too selfish to leave her alone. I wanted to be with her, so I made sure I was. The craziest thing I'd ever done was run away to find her.
It had hurt so much when she left, and even more when she barely sent me any letters. To me, the letters were her feelings for me. I was barely worth writing to. It's almost laughable, the way my mind came up with the idea that she was being held against her will. I wanted to believe it though. That gave me a reason as to why she wasn't writing. So left to save her.
And bizarrely, it turned out that I had an Alice. I didn't really care. I'd never noticed anything like that about myself before. To me, having an Alice meant being able to be with Hotaru.
Andso I got to stay by her side.
She never seemed to notice my feelings. One time I thought she knew. She said she understood them, my feelings, but after saying that, she never mentioned it again, never even acknowledged they existed. She probably thought I was confusing my 'admiration', or that they were childish feelings that would eventually go away.
Everyone seems to assume Natsume and I are secretly in love with each other. I keep quiet. To say no would bring in the questioning: Who do I like? Things like that. I do think though that he does have those feelings for me. I act naive, pretend not to notice. At least he's never mentioned them to me. I don't know what I'd say if he did. So I hurt him by pretending not to notice.
I never expected to change. I did, just not in the way others thought. I didn't grow out of it. Puberty happens. Before that, it had all been harmless crushes. Then came the desire. I was attracted to girls to a certain degree before then, but it was in a childish way. I loathed the locker room. Yeah, I noticed. Thankfully, no one knew that.
The academy wasn't really all that great at giving us a sex education. It was pretty much the whole 'a man ad woman make a baby' thing, and that if we didn't want to get pregnant or get a disease, we shouldn't have sex.
I feel so cut off from the real world.
I've had a few other crushes, but they've never been as strong or lasted as long as my love for her has.
Hotaru